There are a lot of things that Alphys has done in her life that she's not proud of. And by "not proud of," that means "is so mortified by and ashamed over that she would literally crawl into a hole and die if she didn't have a few people who would actually miss her and she would feel bad about leaving behind." Writing romantic stories about her friends is not one of them, but only because she hasn't been caught.
Oh, sure, it might be considered a little weird, and she would never ever ever actually SHOW her friends these stories, but actually writing them? It feels good. Spinning a tale about herself getting carried away in the sunset by Undyne... oooh, that left her blushing for ages. And there was the other one also about herself and Undyne where they found a magical treasure at the dump that transformed them both into destiny-bound magic warriors in super-cute mini-skirts, and another one about Undyne collapsing from the heat in Hotland and Alphys having to rescue her and take care of her and rub her down with a wet towel, which led to some really -
AHEM. Meanwhile, Mettaton may get on her nerves sometimes (she has the feeling it's mutual, but then, Alphys suspects she gets on all her friends's nerves and they're just too nice to say so), but he's a good friend when he isn't being kind of obnoxious and he occasionally makes time for her even when he's busy with all his TV shows and movies and so on and he still goes along with her ideas sometimes. So, well, she wrote a story about him getting to go a hot date with... himself, in his EX form. Alphys suspects that's how he'd be happiest, so that's what she made happen, even if it's only possible in a story she's buried on her hard drive.
And King Asgore. God, poor Asgore. All alone after those horrible things that happened to his children and how his wife left him... Alphys has one story she's especially proud of, involving his wife coming back and the two of them smashing the competition at the nose-nuzzling contest. It's so fluffy, she could've barfed sunrise rainbow clouds after writing it. She has a lot of stories like that. She also has stories of Asgore with, um, a certain Royal Scientist, and sometimes a certain Royal Scientist while she's also dating the Captain of the Guard BUT ANYWAY -
Her favorite pairing, her favorite, after herself and Undyne of course BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT, is Sans and... literally anyone who'll make him happy really but she is dead certain he always goes to Grillby's because he's got a thing for Grillby himself and THAT is so cute she could just scream into a paper bag. Maybe it's because she and Sans get each other on a level that the others don't, even if she spends more time with Undyne and Mettaton. They... well. She loves them, but Undyne and Mettaton can't get her; they like themselves too much.
And sure, her bond with Sans is a bond over memes and bad movies and being lazy/doing nothing because you're a literal garbage can, and he's the kind of guy who doesn't really... let others in, but he gets her way too well for him to not be hiding some dark secrets too. Alphys doesn't know what he's hiding, but she's certain it's got to be big.
And... she's okay with that. She's hiding a lot too, and she has a feeling he knows it, but he never tries to pry. That's really important to her. She hopes she's that for him, too. It's hard to know for sure since... they never ask each other personal questions. But as for her shipping, well, sure, he loves his pranks and puns, but fundamentally, he's a decent guy who loves his brother and, more importantly on a personal level, recognizes Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 2 for the trash that it is. He deserves to be happy.
Specifically, he deserves to be happy with Grillby, after hours, in an all-night cuddle-a-thon with bonus smooches. ...Alphys hasn't worked up the nerve to write anything more, uh, touching than that. She's not completely without standards. Yet.
That's part of the story she's writing today, anyway, which is a sweet hurt/comfort fic that she thinks suits Sans's hidden unhappy side well. She chews the ends of her chopsticks to suck off the last of the ramen flavoring as her claws clack at speed on her keyboard. This one is inspired. She can feel it. Smoldering eyes and gently quivering rib cages later, and she has completed a masterpiece. She leans back in her seat, indulging in an extremely rare moment of satisfaction at a job well done.
If only she could post it! But no, haha, hahahahaaahahaha, no no no. No, this is a nice and safe and above all harmless hobby that will stay harmless only so long as nobody ever knows about it.
She leans back in her chair and stares mournfully at the bottom of the pot of her instant ramen. There's still a couple scraps of noodles left, and she picks them out to chew on them. God, she wishes she could post this one. She's dead sure it'd get Sans to admit his feelings to Grillby WHICH SHE'S ABSOLUTELY SURE HE ACTUALLY HAS, unlike, say, herself and Undyne, who only likes her platonically, sigh.
Her text message ring tone chimes, jolting her back to reality. She flinches reflexively and nearly drops the pot and chopsticks both, then scrabbles to shove them back onto her overloaded desk to check who the call is from. She breathes a sigh of relief when she sees it's Sans - speak of the skeleton! - and clicks it.
hey. we still up for bad movie nite tonite? it reads.
OMG heck yeah! Wouldn't miss it for the world! she texts back, because she's feeling good about herself for once and it's such a rare and heady feeling that it spills over into her typing. She's so high on it that she adds, Why don't you bring some take-out from Grillby's when you come by ;) and sends it before she has time to question if that was really such a good idea.
ok, he texts back, which seems to cement that it was. Alphys nods to herself in the proud knowledge of a job well done (for once).
It won't take Sans long from there to come by the lab. She doesn't know how she does it, but for a guy who likes to kick back and take it easy so much, he is super-fast at getting around. She taps her chopsticks on her teeth as she peers at her now-completed story. Completed, but... lacking the polish of editing. It'd be best if she could get some peer review, but who would she show it to, honestly? She makes up her mind and copies the file to her phone so she can work on it casually over the night, then closes the version on her computer out so Sans won't accidentally catch sight of it. Wow, wouldn't that be mortifying.
She tucks her phone into the pocket of her lab coat and shuffles over to the fridge. She just had ramen but she knows perfectly well she's still gonna eat those burgers and fries like the disgusting blob she is, and she'll need soda to wash it down. Sans brings his own refreshments. For some reason, he likes to drink condiments straight from the bottle - usually ketchup, but mustard and relish aren't safe from him either. She has no idea why and has never been able to bring herself to ask.
Next, she walks over to the wall and works on getting the pull-out couch from it. It's a real pain, but it's the only way she can have enough space when people come over without letting them into her... bathroom. The TV and DVD/VCR player roll out with it, and when she's done, she drapes herself over the back of the couch, wheezing.
Sans has amazing timing, in some sense of the word, because it's always only after she's done that he knocks on the front door.
"C-come in," she calls, waving a claw wearily.
A couple seconds later, even though she doesn't hear the door whoosh open, a delicious smell fills the air and a grease-laden bag sets down next to her.
"Wow, you look pretty worn out, Alphys. Too bad I didn't make it here earlier. I definitely would've helped you pull out the couch set," he says.
"Sans, you're full of crap," she wheezes.
"I'm not full of crap, I'm full of bones." He winks. "No bones about it."
"FULL. OF. CRAP," she repeats, but she's caught enough of her breath to laugh a little at his terrible joke. Dang, she should've added more bad jokes to her story. She'll have to get on that in the editing process.
"Sorry, should I've couched that in nicer terms?" he suggests, and she snort-laughs again.
"N-nah, I don't, uh... um..." She grabs a cushion and throws it at him. "I-I don't want any of your pillow talk," she concludes triumphantly.
He catches it, chuckling. "Nice. So what're we throwing popcorn at this week?"
And the funny thing is, he always has popcorn in his pockets for the throwing, just in time for the perfect throwing moments. Alphys stopped questioning that a long time ago. She trundles around the couch, grabs the remote, and plants her butt.
"Just watch," she says as she hits the PLAY button.
So Sans joins her for a story about an extinction level meteor hurtling for the planet, and it's up to a team of drillers to fly out into space and blow it up. It's terrible. The science alone is a mockery of all known physics. They're both throwing popcorn and jeering by half an hour in.
Then, because the DVD case this movie came in had multiple discs in it - Alphys can understand why the human who threw it out might've trashed them together - they move on to a second feature, which also involves drilling, but instead the humans have to dig to the center of the earth to restart the core with bombs. It has the two of them in tears from laughter.
The last flick for the day, although Alphys knows she needs to go downstairs for feeding time soon, is one set back in 201X. It's about a prophecy in which the world is supposedly destroyed. Mostly there's just a lot of falling buildings. Sans falls asleep halfway through, and Alphys is drifting off when her phone alarm chimes.
She utters a strangled yelp and scrabbles at it, desperately jamming at the snooze button before Sans wakes up. Fortunately, his nap power is over 9000 (she sniggers and almost wishes Sans could be awake for that one). She'd been worried about how to slip away from the movie while taking the bag of dog food with her, but with him out, she can just... go and do it without worrying. She leaves the phone on the couch and hurries downstairs. She's got this schedule down pat; she can be done in ten minutes, fifteen tops. Sans won't even know she was gone.
She's half-right, anyway. It takes her no more than eleven and a half minutes. At first it looks like Sans is right where she left him, but when she creeps around the couch, she sees:
a) her phone is not where she left it
b) it is, in fact, in Sans's hand
c) he is SCROLLING THROUGH HER STORY OMFGLKGHDSH;LKG
"SANS WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH MY PHONE?!" she shrieks.
In other circumstances, she might be proud of herself for surprising him enough to make him jump; her phone flies straight up, and he bounces it between his hands for a heart-stopping couple of seconds before he manages to catch it. In these circumstances, WHAT IS HE DOING WITH HER PHONE WHY OH MY GOD HER LIFE IS OVER
"O-oh, hey, Alphys," he says, turning a sweaty grin her way. "Uh, sorry, uh... the alarm went off and woke me up, and I picked it up to turn it off, and, uh..."
"What alarm? There shouldn't have been an alarm? I already turned it off unless OH MY GOD I DIDN'T TURN IT OFF I JUST HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON," Alphys wails, covering her face with both hands. "Oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so so so sorry please don't tell anyone I wasn't trying to be creepy I'm swear I just wanted you to be happy -"
"Woah, woah, hold up a sec," Sans says, holding out a hand palm-out. It would almost be hope-inducing if he didn't then hold out her phone, which, as her peek out from between her fingers confirms, displays the emotional climax of her fic. "Are you talking about this?"
Alphys wails again. This time, no words; only feels.
"Well, uh..." He clears its throat. "I gotta say, uh... I had no idea you wanted me and Grillby to hook up."
"I'm soooo sorry! I'll delete it right away, I'll delete all of them, I never meant for you to see it, I'm so gross and disgusting and I'm so so sorry please don't ditch me -"
He holds the phone away from her desperately grasping hands. "Hey, calm down! You don't need to panic so much. I'm not mad."
It takes Alphys several seconds to register that emotionally. When she finally does, she cautiously lowers her hands and gawks at him from behind her tear-stained glasses. "What? Y-you... you like it?"
"Not sure I'd go that far, but... It's not that bad, actually? It's like another version of me who's living his life out in an alternate dimension. When I think of it like that, I'm surprisingly okay with it. I mean, this Sans gets a nice boyfriend who cares about him." He shrugs. "It could be worse."
"That's... wow." Alphys shuffles onto her feet, scarcely able to believe her ears. "Wow, I knew you were really chill, Sans, but..." She breathes a laugh, lips creaking into an awkward smile. "W-wow, n-now I feel really stupid for freaking out. Um..." She clacks her claws together and fidgets. "Y-you really... don't think it's creepy?"
"Nah. It's all good." Sans scrolls a couple more times. "I, uh... I have a couple questions, though? If you don't mind."
"G-go ahead! It's fine! I mean, it's about you! Or another you! Whatever works for you!" she yelps, feeling her face heat up. Oh my god, she thinks, I'm actually getting concrit?
"Well... I don't mind the part where I go to Grillby's kinda bummed out because Papyrus made head of the Royal Guard and moved out of the house to live at the royal castle. That's pretty accurate. I could see me doing that. But, uh... I gotta ask... This part here." He taps the screen with one skeletal finger and reads aloud: "'Tears glistening like dewdrops in his eye sockets, Sans whispered, "Oh, Grillby-kun, ai-shiteru. Ai-shiteru so much."'" He peers at her. "What's 'ai-shiteru' supposed to mean?"
Alphys chokes and utters a strangled scream and covers her face with both hands and drops to the floor so she can roll around and scream some more.
"Uhhhh... are you okay?" he adds, leaning over her a little, smile now somewhere between nervous and concerned if the beads of sweat on his skull are any indication.
"I'M FINE! I'm fine. Ohhh my god," Alphys gasps, now face-down, tail curled in on itself in shame and horrified delight. "Ohhhhh my god I never thought you'd READ THAT PART ALOUD -" She dares a peek up at him from between her claws. "C-c-c-can you read it again?"
"Uh." He looks at the phone screen again. "Which part did you mean, the, uh... The 'Oh, Grillby-kun, ai-shiteru. Ai-shiteru so much'?"
Alphys screams and rolls around on the floor some more.
"I'm starting to feel like I just got pranked," Sans remarks.
"Ohmygod. It's not a prank. It's NOT," Alphys reassures him, scrabbling up to her knees, then her feet. "That's only the most romantic part and you just SAID it and I'M GONNA FREAKING DIE -"
"Uh, yeah, but what does it mean?"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT MEANS." Alphys covers her mouth with both hands. She offers Sans an awkward smile. "U-um, I mean. Um. I-it's... a declaration of your love? For, um... Grillby?"
"Oh." Sans pauses. "Well, that makes sense. Given context." He pauses again. "So, in this story... why don't I just move to the royal palace with Papyrus?"
Alphys's jaw drops.
"I mean, I don't think King Asgore would say I couldn't," Sans continues, looking back down at the phone. "And Papyrus sure wouldn't tell me I couldn't. What's keeping me in Snowdin after he moves out?"
Alphys's jaw sags a little lower. She manages to wrench it back up and fiddles nervously with her claws. "Because... um... because... the premise... would... completely fall apart otherwise? Wait, no, I've got it! Because you're too lazy to get your stuff together and move with him!"
"Oh, well, okay. I am pretty lazy. That works." Sans scrolls down. "Doesn't that mean my misery in this story is all self-inflicted, though?"
Alphys falls silent. She looks away. She looks back at Sans. She looks away. She looks back at Sans, now smiling awkwardly. "Isn't... that... how it is?"
His own perpetual smile turns melancholy. "...It kinda is, huh?"
She sighs and hangs her head. "Sorry. I-I tried to write you a story where you got to be happy, and... I messed even that up."
"Do either of us really know how to be happy?" Sans replies, which is so blisteringly, bluntly pessimistic that Alphys gapes at him. "It's fine," he adds as if he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. "It could still be worse."
"Worse than what?" Alphys wonders, shuffling around the couch to sit back down next to him.
"Mmm... Well, it's probably better not to think about that too hard," he replies. He scrolls again, then hands the phone back to her. "Thanks. It was cute, actually. I liked the bit at the end where I fall asleep in Grillby's arms. That's some sweet stuff."
"Seriously?" Alphys squeaks, accepting her phone back. She pauses, glancing to one side and considering her odds. Well - hell, why not go for it?! And so she blurts out, "Are you in love with Grillby?!"
"What? Me? With Grillby? Nah," he replies so casually and with so unconcerned a laugh that a tiny Alphys-chan in her head screams NOOOOOOOOOOO, MY OTPeeeeEEEEE! "Romance is too much effort. It's easier to stay single."
"Oh."
"But that doesn't mean it's not nice to think about sometimes, you know?" he adds. "I mean, if I were going to date anybody, Grillby's not a bad choice. I could see him taking care of me. That'd be nice."
Alphys purses her lips, considering this. "Um... is there... uh... anyone you'd prefer to see yourself dating?"
"Are you asking me who you should ship me with?" Sans wonders, raising a brow ridge.
She considers whether or not to answer for several seconds longer than would be strictly comfortable. She bares an awkward smile. "M-maybe?"
"Hmmm... Nobody really comes to mind." He leans back on the couch. "If you wanna ship me with Grillby, that's fine."
"Are you saying that because you mean it, or because you don't want to admit you've got f-feelings for anyone?"
"Hey now!" he says, winking. "Are you trying to imply I wouldn't be completely, 100% forthright with my inner emotions?"
Alphys slides him her best 'seriously? seriously?' look.
In return, he laughs his best 'I'm deflecting and I triple-dog-dare you to call me out on it' laugh.
She doesn't - she never does - and he knows that perfectly well, so the round goes to him. Again. "Wh-what about a... a non-romantic story?" she suggests instead. "You know, like... friendshipping?"
His smile turns a hair rueful, and he scratches his scalp. "You, uh, sure are invested in writing stories about me. Can I ask why?"
She pats her cheek with one hand and looks away. "Well, it's not just you... I have stories about, well... all my friends, I guess. Not that I have that many." Her claws clack as she fiddles with the hem of her lab coat. "I just... I don't know. We're all trapped, you know? Not just by the barrier, but by..." Her stomach turns. "Other things."
"Oh."
"S-so it's just... it's nice to come up with a little story where... wh-where we can be happy, you know?" She attempts a smile and probably fails badly. God, she's such a wreck. "And, you know, I think it'd be really cute if, you know, you found someone who made you happy, or if Asgore could make up with his wife, or if... um..."
"If you and Undyne could make out?" he guesses shrewdly.
She could probably fry an egg on her face right now. At least she manages a nod. "I-I know it's not real," she rasps. "It's just... my personal delusions. But... it makes me feel like I'm doing something right for once. Like I can at least let my friends have a happy ending somewhere." She lowers her eyes. "I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, huh."
"...No, I get what you're saying. We all want the people we love to be happy... especially if we can't make that happen for real. Especially if the best we can manage is just to help distract them from their actual problems for a while."
Alphys stares at him. She can't tell if he's talking about her or himself now. "Sans... Did something happen recently?"
"Nah. But something will soon," he replies, winking.
"What's that supposed to -"
"So you got any more stories I can read?"
She stumbles and trips over her own tongue. She knows damn well he's deflecting, again, but she's already stopped caring. "Y-yeah, actually! Um, there's a lot with you with, uh, Grillby, but there's some with you and Doggo -"
"Me and Doggo?"
"- and you and Mettaton -"
"Me and Mettaton?"
"- and you and Asgore!"
"You're messing with me on purpose now, aren't you?"
She grins despite everything and waggles her eyebrows. "Why don't you read and find out?"
"Oh boy," Sans says, grinning back. But then, he's always grinning, so that's not actually a good indicator of his mood.
He still reads every story she transfers to her phone and hands to him, though, and his concrit is never too harsh, either. He likes the one about him and Grillby going on a picnic to Hotland and roasting marshmallows over the lava flows that they then feed to one another ("it really melted my heart," he cracks); he's neutral on the one with Asgore where they discuss the human SOULs and how much of a burden Asgore is carrying, prompting Sans in the story to share some of his own problems to commiserate ("wow, you've got a real imagination when it comes to my problems. You're right though, I bet Asgore would be an amazing cuddler"); he doesn't really feel the one with Mettaton hand-feeding him grapes and then putting on a, uh, special performance for him ("well, that got weird fast"). Which, fair; she kind of wrote that one because she was annoyed at Mettaton at the time and, well, it's not exactly a spite ship but she can't really see Sans and Mettaton hooking up under normal circumstances either.
Mind, that kind of just wants to make her think harder about how to make it work.
"So you really do like the stuff with you and Grillby?" she presses when he's done.
"Eh, it's not bad," he replies.
"Why don't you ask him out on a date?"
"Too much work. I wouldn't want what spark we've got to burn out."
She rolls her eyes. Still, he did say earlier that he just isn't interested in romance. Whether he really isn't interested or he just doesn't think he's worthy of it, she doesn't know... though maybe if he's not willing to do anything, it's just as well. She wouldn't want to wreck her friendship with Undyne by saying the wrong thing, either. "So you don't mind if I, y'know... keep writing it for you...?"
His smile turns a little... sad? Rueful? She's not sure how to describe the look in his eyes. Before she can figure it out, he asks, "Hey, Alphys, d'you remember how we first met?"
"Huh? Uh..." She thinks back, but... "S-sorry, no. Brain fart."
"Nah, it's fine. It has been a while, huh."
Has it been that long? she wonders, wracking her brains. They've been hanging out for a while, she knows that much. She can remember how she met Undyne - they ran into each other at the dump - and she can remember how she met Mettaton - back at the Human Fan Club he set up back when he was incorporeal - but Sans is a total blank. Why is he asking that now all of a sudden, anyway?
"Actually, you know what I would like after all?" he adds before she can ask. "A nice friendship story."
"Really? With who?"
He winks at her. "You might've heard of her. She's real smart, passionate, and caring, but she's super-shy and doesn't think a lot of herself. A real big-shot royal scientist, appointed by the King himself."
She blushes. "What, y-you want a story about us? Why didn't you just say so?"
"Hmm, I wonder? Anyway, it'd be pretty cool, don'tcha think?"
"Well... okay! If that's what you want," she says, letting a smile crinkle her face. "What d'you want it to be about?"
"Oh, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. I'd be fine if it was just about the two of us hanging out and watching bad movies."
"But Sans, we do that all the time. We just did that. We're in the middle of doing that right now."
"Then I'll look forward to it coming true," he counters, winking again.
And it dawns on Alphys that maybe this is Sans's way of trying to give her a happy ending, by letting her help him in the small way that she can. She smiles, and it feels like her chest is inflating with sunshine. Not that she's ever seen real sunshine, but she's watched enough anime to know it's supposed to be warm.
"Yeah. Okay. I'll do it," she replies. "It'll be great!"
"You'll let me read it when you're done, right?"
She practically bounces off the couch. "Of course!"
His eyes soften. "Awesome. Lookin' forward to it."
She pauses. "...I'm thinking I'll end it with a hug. You know, between two friends just trying to do something nice for each other."
"Yeah?"
"Y-Yeah. So, um..." She spreads her claws. "F-for research?"
He chuckles and leans forward. "For research."
They wrap their arms around each other and pat each other's backs. Alphys finds she's satisfied with this... even content. Yeah. Creating a tiny piece of happiness isn't much, but it's still something - for him, and for her.