AN: Why did I do this? Well, I was bored. And they were there. You know how it is.
Now presenting Dissidia with a side order of crack.
SUMMARY: Because Cloud's a jerk, Sephiroth needs friends, and sometimes the weirdest stuff happens to the guy with the tail!
What Happens In Dissidia...
Will Scar You For Life
In the midst of the battle between Cosmos and Chaos, good and evil, light and darkness, order and...chaos...um...lets try that again.
In the midst of the crossover battle of their lives—as far as they knew, since they were apparently missing memories as far as the canon tells us...err...
Screw it. In the middle of the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny between some of the greatest heroes and villains of the Final Fantasy series, we find one such hero—Cloud Strife—up against what could very well be the greatest opponent he would ever face.
A door!
...
Wait—what?
"How am I going to deal with this?"
No, seriously: what?
"I could just go in...but that would be a pain."
Sure, it's a big door, but really now!
"Sneaking by won't work...but going around may take too much time..."
"Hey, Cloud! What are you doing here?" By fortune or perhaps by chance, the tailed member of Cosmos's warriors happened upon the scene in Cloud's time of need.
"I'm trying to determine the best way to handle this." The taller blond explained, gesturing to the worthy opponent.
Zidane blinked, glanced back and forth between Cloud and the "worthy opponent" a few times, and then raised an eyebrow.
"Cloud? That's a door."
"I am aware of that."
"You could just...y'know...open it."
"I could."
Pause.
"So why don't you?"
"Because Sephiroth is waiting for me on the other side of that door and I really don't want to deal with him right now."
Zidane blinked. "He is? How can you tell?"
Cloud simply shrugged in response. He didn't fully understand it himself, but somehow he knew that even if he did, he still wouldn't want to explain it.
"So what are you going to do then? This is the only way through here."
Cloud paused for a moment, giving the tailed boy a thoughtful look. "Maybe you could deal with him?"
"What?" Zidane exclaimed in shock. "Why me? He's your villain, isn't he?"
"Yeah, but I don't feel like fighting him right now."
"And you think I WOULD?"
"Well, he has no vested interest in you, so maybe he won't fight you. You never know what might happen, right?"
"I'd like to live and let that be one of life's mysteries!"
"You don't know he'll kill you. Maybe he'll enjoy some conversation?"
"He's SEPHIROTH! The only thing he enjoys is the STABBING of things!" The fact that those 'things' were usually people went unsaid.
Cloud shrugged. "Eh, you'd probably get along fine. Maybe." Doubtfully, but he certainly wasn't going to tell HIM that. "Besides, you two have a lot in common."
"Like WHAT?" Zidane demanded. "He's a psycho with mommy issues and I'm a ladies' man with a hero complex. I mean, sure he has thousands of fans, but he ignores them while I actually appreciate it when ladies fawn over me! What could we POSSIBLY have in common?"
"Well, you're both genetically-modified constructs created for the purpose of destroying the world. I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about." Cloud explained with a nod. "And if not, well...we can always wait and see what happens."
Long pause.
"You're kidding, right?" Zidane deadpanned.
Cloud smiled. As in eye-smiled. Complete with sparkles and bubbles and—was that a rainbow in the background?
"No."
Then with a quick shove that completely obliterated all the previous belying sparkles and bubbles and other various background effects, he forced Zidane through the door and into the room. "Have fun." And before Zidane could react and run far, far away to relative safety—and sanity, Cloud had shut the door behind him and barred it closed.
"I HATE YOU, CLOUD!"
"Who are you?"
Zidane 'meep'-ed and spun around to face the former general, who was now giving him an incredulous stare, eyebrow raised.
Cue uncomfortable silence.
"Well?"
Zidane gulped, but attempted to smile while inwardly praying that the psychotic ex-general wouldn't kill him. "I'm Zidane."
Blank stare.
More silence.
More of the blank staring.
It took Zidane a moment to realize that the patented One-Winged Angel was expecting more of an answer.
"I'm one of Cosmos' warriors."
Ack! He's frowning!
"Where is Cloud?"
Blink, blink. "Huh?"
Uh oh, it looked like he was starting to get annoyed. "Where. Is. Cloud? I was expecting him to come through here."
"Oh." Zidane rubbed the back of his head, sheepishly. "Well, he knew you were waiting and kinda sent me instead."
Pause.
"Why?"
Several answers came to mind, most of which were not very nice and all were equally likely to result in his own painful demise. Zidane wisely chose to forgo the obvious explanation of Sephiroth being a psychotic freak in favor of prolonging his life.
"For...variety." Yeah, lets go with that.
"Variety?"
"Yeah, he said we should...talk."
Cue pause.
"...Why?"
Zidane shrugged. "I don't know. Something about both of us being genetically modified constructs created by mad geniuses to become world-destroying god-like beings or something."
A silver eyebrow rose. "...Oh?"
He's curious! Curious is good, right? Good in a 'not about ready to horribly maim you' way, anyway, right?
...
...RIGHT?
Slowly, his lip almost seemed to twitch into something resembling what could possibly be considered a smile if Sephiroth ever actually DID smile. Sure, he smirked and...smirked some more fairly often, but Zidane had never heard of a time where the man would actually SMILE.
"Really...?" The way he drew out the word suggested more interest than Zidane felt comfortable with. This discomfort increased to outright terror as the grin grew and—oh goddess, did his eyes just GLEAM?
Zidane gulped.
Forget what he thought earlier! Curious is BAD! Curious is very, VERY BAD!
The door is a mighty foe indeed, as even an hour later, Cloud still stood before it, contemplating its mysteries...
"Hmm..." Cloud stared at the door, frowning. "It's strangely quiet in there. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Cloud? What are you doing here?" Cue déjà vu. Cloud turned to greet the other two members of the trio Zidane was part of.
"Trying to figure out how best to avoid Sephiroth. But this door seems to be the only way through here."
Squall nodded in sympathy. Bartz, however, looked more worried than anything. "Hey, Cloud? Have you seen Zidane around here? We haven't been able to find him anywhere."
"In there." Cloud replied, nodding his head to the door.
Squall frowned in confusion. "Isn't that where Sephiroth is?"
"Yeah."
"Wait—" Bartz glanced between the two other males in growing horror. "Zidane is trapped in a room with SEPHIROTH?"
"Yes."
"And you just LEFT him in there?" Ooo, Squall did not look happy right now. And Bartz looked almost ready to cry as he hugged a Chocobo plushie to his chest in...wait—how did he get a Chocobo plushie in the middle of a warzone?
A mystery for another day, it seemed. Right now we still had other mysteries to solve. Like the mystery of the door.
And whether Sephiroth has killed Zidane yet.
"Well, he's not screaming. Can't be too bad, can it?"
Squall glared. "Get him out."
"But—"
"NOW."
Cloud sighed. "Fine." Stupid Squall. Making him be 'responsible'.
It wasn't like there was anything to worry about. Oh sure, Sephiroth could have horribly murdered Zidane, but other than a bit of murmuring, there had been no sounds to suggest fighting, maiming, or any sort of killing being done. Maybe they were talking and comparing life stories or horrible father figures. Or Sephiroth was bragging about his power or going on about his "mommy". Or sharing hair-care tips or fashion advice or something. Hell, maybe Zidane already got away?
Cloud opened the door and abruptly froze in shock at the sight before him.
There was Sephiroth. There was Zidane. There was Sephiroth HOLDING Zidane. And...cuddling...him...?
"I thought I was alone! No one else knows what it's like! So many expectations to live up to! It's not EASY being created to be a force of world destruction!" Sephiroth lamented, sadly, as a clearly traumatized Zidane awkwardly patted him on the back.
And that was when Cloud's brain broke.
...Again.
Realizing that help had finally arrived, Zidane looked up at him, reaching out a hand and pleading. "Help...me..."
Also, noticing the intrusion, Sephiroth gave a stern glare. "Do you mind? We're in the middle of something, here."
"FOR GAIA'S SAKE, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!"
Cloud stared.
Then promptly slammed the door shut and left the area entirely, deciding to find a different route—even if he had to carve one out himself.
"I swear to Cosmos, Cloud, once I'm out of here, I will exact all unholy vengeance upon you!"
"You hate Cloud, too?" Sephiroth asked, surprised. "That's something else we have in common!"
"OHGODSWHY?"
Outside of the room, Squall sighed. "Come on, Bartz."
"W-where are we going?"
"To get help."
"But what about Zidane?"
"Like HELL I'm getting between that psycho and Zidane when he's in THAT state without another psycho to distract him."
"So...who are we getting?"
A few minutes later, Bartz had his answer.
"And apparently he sees Zidane as a kindred spirit and has decided to adopt him and teach him the 'proper way' to destroying all life."
"WHAT?" Kuja raged. "How DARE he? Zidane is MY little brother! If ANYONE is going to corrupt him, it should be ME!"
Squall sighed.
Some days, it just wasn't worth it.
OMAKE
"This is an outrage! I REFUSE to let him turn Zidane into one of his copies!" He paused for a moment, thinking. "Though he would look stylish in the black leather motif..."
"But would black leather really work with his complexion?" Bartz asked.
"You clearly know nothing of fashion!" Kuja shouted back, smacking Bartz with a giant fan. Did Kuja even have a fan?
Squall sighed, covering his face with his hand in exasperation.
This was why he worked alone.