A delicious story in honour of the DK TV Show's 21st birthday
Donkey Kong wiggled his way through the secret passage. He held on tightly to the tasty coconut cream pie in his left hand. He crawled forward reaching out his right hand to pull him further and further through the tunnel.
"See anything yet, Big Buddie?" called Diddy who was trailing behind.
"Idunno, Little Buddie…" said DK with a sense of sadness.
"We must deliver our consideration to this land!"
"I agree, but my bumbum is getting achy from all this travel. I wish I could sit down and relax my glutes."
"DUDE!" called a cool voice from ahead.
"I can hear Funky's voice!" cried Diddy. "That means we are so close to the exit of this passage!"
DK smiled and continued to crawl forward. He finally saw light up ahead and was so glad to hear the light drone of Funky's voice grow louder and louder with each inch gained.
A hand darted out abruptly and reached out to DK. DK grabbed hold and was hoisted up to the top. Diddy soon followed in the same way. DK smiled at his friend Funky who had just lifted him to the exit.
"No problem, dude!" said Funky with a cheeky grin.
"We couldn't have done it without you, Funky!" said DK.
"No time for small talk though!" Diddy blurted as he stoically marched ahead. "We gotta get that coconut cream pie back to Cranky's!"
"You are so right!" said Funky.
"Thanks again, Funky!" chimed DK before he took off after Diddy.
Funky waved "goodbye", but his facial expression was shuddering faster and faster with each passing distance that grew between them. Funky was on the edge of his moral code. He suddenly slammed his foot down and hollered over at his friends. "I'M SO SORRY!" he cried.
DK and his Little Buddie stopped running and quickly spun around to look over at Funky. "Why you so sorry for, bruh?" said Donkey all confused.
"I am a terrible Kong!" Funky was now dropping great globs of salty H2O from his duct. "I have betrayed our Krew!"
"What are you talkin' about, Funky?" said Diddy scratching his lidded head.
DK looked down at his splendid pie and then slowly turned to Funky with a horrified look on his face. "You… wouldn't… You…" said DK. He was stunned beyond belief. "You… couldn't have… Funky!" DK tossed the coconut cream pie to Diddy and slowly approached Funky.
Diddy gasped as he watched his Big Buddie approach Kongo Bongo's master dude. He saw DK charging up his Giant Punch as he swung his left arm in a circular motion. "DK! Do not be rash!" he shouted out.
"My dear goodness…" DK said with a spiteful look as he furrowed his brow. "Funky… I can't believe you went against code…"
"I had to, dude…" sobbed Funky. "They said they would take away my one true love had I refused to comply!"
"Does family mean nothing to you, brother? I will not tolerate someone who only cares about themselves. You deserve no mercy, Funky Kong." DK flung his left arm like a windmill once more and steadily pressed his forehead against Funky's. "Now apologize…"
"I can't back down from this…" wimpered Funky. His voice cracked intensely in between each distinct syllable.
DK stepped away from Funky and sighed heavily at the whole situation. "I thought… we were one big Kong Kindred…" DK took position and reeled back. He then lunged forward and delivered a deadly punch straight toward Funky's chillin' abs.
Funky was blown back by the intensity of the smash. He had been flung into the walls of the cavern they were in, tears streaming down his face in realization of all that he had caused. "I'm just… so… sorry…" he slowly let out.
DK panted out of mental exhaustion and shortly afterward returned to Diddy. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Little Bud…" he said mournfully.
"It's okay, DK," replied Diddy with a dash of uncomfortable residence in his voice. "But what had Funky done to us that warranted such action?"
"He joined us…" said a voice from above. DK and Diddy gasped as a horde of Crocodiles fell from the cave's ceiling and greeted them with dangerous looking weaponry.
"Dartmouth!" roared DK.
It was the Kremlings, and amidst the soldiers pointing their guns at the Kongs was their terrifying leader King K. Rool. "Donkey Kong…" smirked the king.
"Well, if it ain't old Kingy K. Rool!" DK smirked back.
"Whaddya want, you pond gack?" challenged Diddy.
"We're here for the mystical coconut cream pie," said K. Rool. "Hand it over, or you sniveling simians are going to be on the receiving end of my royal wrath!"
"No way! I need to get this to Cranky!" said DK.
"Then you shall perish! Kritters, attack!" K. Rool swung out his arm and darted a claw at the Kongs. The Kritter army charged toward them with guns ablazing.
DK and Diddy were pretty good at dodging though and were able to avoid the deadly blasts while managing a few critical hits on the soldiers. The thrill of the battle and the fierce determination within DK's monkey heart drove him into an insane inner beat. He started to jam out to his own defensive maneuvers. He slid around the room like a dancer, as did his Little Buddie. The two were so in sync with outdoing the Kremlings assault, that they were literally becoming saints of music all on their own.
DK: "Hey! Hey! C'mon, you better take a look!
Can't say I've had to slay dragons like these crooks!"
Diddy: "Hey! Hey! Look at all these fools!
We're gonna save the day if we bend the rules!"
DK: "You can be a bad dude and disappoint your friends!
But know that we're the Kong Krew and our Kong love never ends!
I can see a miracle busting from the seams!
The Kong Krew's getting serious and you should know what that means!
We're going STRAIGHT
TO
THE WILD, WILD WEST!
Diddy: "We're going STRAIGHT
TO
THE WILD, WILD WEST!"
K. Rool: "Why are you doofs standing there!
Kick some monkey bum!"
Klump: "Uh, we would, you Highness, trust me!"
Krusha: "But we don't have a gun…"
K. Rool: "Must I do everything myself?
You boneheads are a drag!"
DK: "Hey, King K. Rool!
You don't look so cool!
This fight is in the bag, cuz…"
Diddy: "We're going STRAIGHT
TO
THE WILD, WILD WEST!
We're going STRAIGHT
TO
THE WILD, WILD WEST!"
DA! DA! DA!
King K. Rool was defeated by Donkey's sick punches along with his entire army. Klump and Krusha ran up to K. Rool, picked him up, and ran off screaming.
"We sure taught them a thing or two," said DK.
"Yep! Both of 'em," laughed Diddy with heroic excitement.
"But come to think of it… there was a third…" DK then gasped. "SKURVY!"
"HOLY BUTTZ!"
"Arr! That's right mates!" said Skurvy as he pinned the Kongs to a wall with his cannon. "Now it's my little cannon against little ole you!" He lit a match. "Let's see who wins…"
DK and Diddy were in deep trouble now. Skurvy was about to seriously make mincemeat out of them. They were backed up to the wall. But suddenly DK felt the wall with his ape hands. He had an epiphany. "Little Bud… I have a plan…"
Skurvy laughed and launched a cannonball. The Kong's ducked out of the way fast enough and the wall caved in due to being struck by the heavy iron ball. "Oh no…" whined Skurvy.
"This is my ultimate move," said DK. "This is WHO I AM!"
Seven golden bananas mystically flew out from the hole in the wall and orbited around DK. DK sensed the grandeur from the bananas and slowly lowered himself into a crouch. His bodied was imploding under the supreme potassium intake. DK began to spark from the energy.
Diddy took several steps further back. He knew what was about to happen, but Skurvy had no idea what he was now up against.
DK then spread his arms out abruptly and pulsated his monkey muscles like a madman. He roared a deadly roar of pure insanity. The whole cavern was being overcome by the energy outburst. DK absorbed the power of the seven golden bananas and became a Super Kong.
"Nani?" said Skurvy with a troubled expression adorning his pirate face.
Donkey Kong lunged forward at the speed of sound and started beating the bananas out of Skurvy. The seagoing Kroc stood no chance against the gorillas massive power enhancement and he was totally obliterated in a matter of seconds. Each impact delivered from DK's fist blew up one of the planets in Universe Kong. DK had truly unlocked his true strength in order to finally defeat all evil once and for all.
… … … … … …
DK and Diddy finally arrived at Cranky's cabin at 1800 hours. "Get a load of this Cranks!" said DK proudly as he held up the esteemed coconut cream pie.
"Well, it's better than nothing, ya big hairy oaf," said Cranky crankily. He grabbed the coconut cream pie and slammed the door in DK and Diddy's face.
The two Kongs looked at each other in confusion for a quick second. Diddy was about to say something when suddenly Cranky slammed the door open and ran outside in star-shaped sunglasses and a top hat. He started marching around the vicinity brandishing a different cane than usual. He started singing divinely and DK and Diddy started getting into the groove as their "grandpa thing" kept up the fabulous mood.
Cranky: "I'm gonna be a star!
I'm gonna be admired like James Dean or Mr. Bean!
I'm gonna be a smash!
You'll see me on the town with big name stars
Spending all of my Do-Re-Mi-cold cash!"
DK: "I'm gonna be in the movies!"
Diddy: I'm gonna be a big star! Hahaha!"
DK: "I can't wait 'til Candy sees me up on the screen
We'll be driving around in a FANCY CAR!
I can see it now, the crowd begins to cheer
My name in lights at the movie's premiere!"
All: "I'm gonna be a star!
A matinée idol worshiped from afar!
I'm gonna be a star!
You're gonna know this face no matter who you are!"
DK: "You'll see my face on every magazine
At all the biggest parties I'll be making the scene!"
ALL: "I'm gonna be a star!
A matinée idol worshiped from afar!
I'm gonna be a star!
I'll be a..."
Cranky: "Star!"
Diddy: "Star!"
DK: "Star!"
And then the credits rolled…
Executive Producers
Gerard Mital … … … … Patrick Lourbert
Jacques Peyrache … … … … Michael Hirsh
Dale A. Andrews … … … … Clive Smith
Shoutouts to Simpledonk