Author's Note:

School sucks. Work sucks. Conferences suck.

Read this shit.

Spike Orders a Very Large Extra-Long Green Rubber Dildo in the Mail

by Arwhale

It was supposed to come in yesterday. Spike teeter-tottered back and forth with anxiety, clasping his hands behind his back.

He'd already waited for so long. So long. Yes, it was going to be. That was what he'd ordered, and that was what he was going to get.

He couldn't wait.

A pegasus dressed in a blue coat and wearing a black-billed hat came into view, holding in her hooves a medium-sized cardboard box. She swooped down and landed on the road in front of Spike, who was now staring at the package in her hooves with the tip of his forked tongue hanging out of his mouth. A drop of his drool plopped onto the cobblestone.

"I have a package here for a mister… Spike?" The mailmare referred to the address sticker on the top of the box. Spike nodded.

"Yes. That's me." He took the box from her, setting it down with great care on the road. Reaching into a small pouch on his stomach, he withdrew a small, brown bag and set it down on the top of the box. "That's twenty-two bits, including delivery. Right?"

The mailmare nodded. "Yes, indeed." She opened the bag up and poured the contents of it on the un-opened package and counted the money. "Nineteen, twenty, twenty… yep. All good."

Spike was glad. The mailmare swept the coins back into the little bag and set it inside the saddlebag she wore. "Thank you, and have a terrific day."

"Oh, I will." He waved her goodbye. She returned the gesture and took flight, zooming off into the distance. Spike picked up the package and waddled over to the library. He opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hey, Twilight," he said. On the other side of the room, Twilight was sitting in a red armchair with her hind legs crossed and an open book held in both hooves. Spike could faintly make out the title from where he was standing: The Communist Manifesto. Twilight glanced up from the page she was on to acknowledge him, and went right back to reading.

"Is that the package?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah. It just came in the mail."

Twilight flipped to the next page. "That's wonderful, Spike."

"I'm glad you think so." He once again set the box down onto the floor. Using his sharp claws, he sliced through the masking tape holding the lid together and opened it up. It was filled with a plethora of styrofoam packing peanuts, masking the true wonder held within. Eagerly, Spike plunged his hand into the box, feeling around for his prize.

Through the void, Spike's scaly hand wrapped itself around the object of his affections, and with a yank that sent some of the styrofoam peanuts onto the floor, he pulled it out with a flourish of his stubby arm.

The flexible rubber rod waggled from side to side like a dog's tail in his grip. It was dyed a shade of dark green, and its surface was covered with shallow wrinkles and tiny bumps to give it some good texture. The cone shaped tip pointed toward the far wall, at the stairs. Twilight peeked up from her book again.

"Wow. It's really big."

Spike nodded. "Yeah. I ordered it extra long." As if following the direction that the dildo indicated, he went over to the stairs. "I'll be in the bathroom. Don't bother me."

"Mmkay." Twilight flipped the page again. She was such a fast reader, and this book was so interesting. The sound of Spike's footclaws clicking on the wooden stairs faded away, and moments later, she heard the bathroom door slam shut.

…

It had been two days. Spike had told her not to bother him, and she hadn't. He needed privacy, after all.

But now, she had to use the potty.

Twilight rapped her hoof against the door. "Spike? I need to go potty."

She heard nothing in response. Again, she knocked on the door, a little harder this time. "Spike?" She pressed her ear against the wood. "You in there?"

"Go away," Spike's voice piped up from inside. Twilight sat back on the floor, swishing her tail from side to side. She exhaled deeply.

"Spike, you've been in there for almost two days. I need to use the potty." Twilight waited for a reply, listening carefully with her ears perked up and angled toward the door. She could hear Spike moving inside, picking up the slight echo of the toilet seat tapping against the porcelain bowl of her assistant's new throne.

"I need to be alone." His statement was accompanied with a sniffle. "Just go away."

Twilight pursed her lips with thought. Judging from his mopey tone of voice, it was apparent to her that something was wrong. Her horn glowed, and the doorknob became surrounded with a purple aura.

"I'm coming in." Twilight pushed it open gently, peering through the ever-widening crack between the door and the frame. "I really need to go, Spike."

She stepped into the bathroom. Spike was seated on the toilet, his elbows propped up on his knees with his head rested in his hands. On the floor in front of him, lying on the shower mat, were the two halves of Spike's extra-long green rubber dildo. A single tear trickled down his scaly cheek.

"It broke." He slumped over dejectedly on the toilet seat, eyeing the sad remains of his precious package. "I broke it."

Twilight cocked her head to the side. "Broke it?"

"Yeah." Spike sighed. His slid himself off the toilet seat. "This morning."

"Aww." Twilight took a couple of steps forward and nuzzled her assistant on the cheek. "I'm so sorry, Spike."

Spike shrugged. He picked up both pieces of the dildo, holding one in each hand, and wiped the tear from his cheek with the cone-shaped tip of the front half. "That's okay. It had a lifetime warranty, so I can just get a new one delivered free of charge." He sulked. "I just wish I didn't have to wait so long again."

Twilight smiled sympathetically. "Aww. Well, it's only for a few days." She picked him up with her magic and set him down outside the door. "I'm going to use the potty, now."

"Okay." He placed the broken halves of the green rubber rod into the wastebasket and walked over to the desk to fill out the warranty form.

...

Twilight later washed the dildo in a tub of soapy water and placed it in her bedside drawer. Spike got pink eye.

THE END