My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day.
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today.
Another case solved. Another unsub arrested. More lives lost and ruined, more lives never to be the same again. I go through the days' events in my head, reliving them not to torture myself (although that is an unfortunate yet unavoidable side effect), but to see what I could have done differently. To improve for next time.
Because there definitely will be a next time. This was just a normal day.
A hard day, but a normal day.
So I replay what happened over and over and over again in my head until I just can't stand it anymore. Then, I focus on the good. I watch Reid and JJ playing cards, and I watch Rossi read his book. I see Emily laughing at Derek, who is on the phone with Penelope. I smile at the fact that they can all be so happy. I'm proud of them for pushing through.
I just saw Halley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere.
"Look, a shooting star!" Prentiss had exclaimed as we were about to board the plane. "Make a wish!"
Looking up, Reid pointed out, "If a wish you make on a shooting star actually comes true, it's just a coincidence." After a brief pause, he continued, "That comet is called 'Halley's Comet'. It's the most visible comet in the world, and the only to be seen twice in a human lifetime."
Haley. Oh, I miss Haley so much. She was the one thing I had to keep me together, and now with her gone, I'm falling apart...
I'm not going anywhere. Two steps forward, two steps back. I save a life, I lose a life. Nothing is happening to me, nothing is happening here. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I gave up pretending to smile a while ago, but pretending to be contented...well, that's just too hard.
Tell my mother, tell my father, I've done the best I can
To make them realize that this is my life.
I hope they understand. I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
I have to take care of Jack. I have to keep my team together, to make what they do worth it. I have to earn money for my family, and I have to save strangers' lives all the while. And it's just too much for me to handle. I can't stop, but I can't keep going either. That only leaves me one option. I just hope they don't hate me for it. Because I really don't have a choice; I'm wasting my life with this, and there's just nothing else to do.
Please don't cry one tear for me,
I'm not afraid of what I have to say.
This is my one and only voice,
So listen close, it's only for today.
I hope I'm not putting anyone through too much pain. I don't want them to feel the way I do, but there's only so much I can handle before I snap. And Haley's death, especially because it was my fault, is just eating me up inside. I'm not scared of leaving, I just hope that I can get one last word in before I go for good. I want them to know that they can continue without me; they are strong, they will make it.
They will be okay.
I'm not a narcissist, as we established a while ago. Maybe that's just the problem—I haven't done anything for myself in a while, I've forgotten what it's like to be happy and excited. I want to start over, but that's not going to happen, so there's only one thing I can do.
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.