Love

Mello finally beat Kira in his own game. He was the winner. And Near... was dead. He acted on his own and that was his biggest mistake. Mello wanted to be the one to die for him. He loved Near ever since he saw that little kid who looked like a lost puppy. His own stupid pride and rivalry stood in the way of their happiness. If only he could change the past! But he could not change anything. Near is dead. L is dead. Only he is alive. Is that fair that only the sinner is alive?

Lindner came by and brought him a bunch of letters tied together with a blue ribbon. She gave them to Mello. "These are from Near adressed to you. He ordered me to give them to you after you beat Kira. They are numbered, so read them in that order. They are Near´s last thoughts."

And with that, she left. Mello stared at the envelopes for a while, then he undid the blue ribbon and picked out the envelope number one. He sat down on a couch and read the first letter with uneasiness.

Dear Mello,

I remember as if it was yesterday. I came to Wammy´s House where I met you. You hugged me and kissed me on the cheek later that night. You said that it is a habit to welcome someone new this way. I trusted you on that matter. Not just that, but I found out later that you were lying. As time passed by, I began to love you. Yes, love you. When we hit puberty, I couldn´t keep quiet anymore. I confessed to you. And you laughed me out. I ran away – I couldn´t stay there, or I would´ve cried right there in front of you. I didn´t show up for classes nor social activities. But I coudn´t stay holed up in my room forever, people were asking if something is amiss. I couldn´t just say that you broke my heart, now could I? I faked ilness. And then... I attempted my first suicide. Too bad they found me too soon. You came to see me... but you didn´t come to apologize. You came to ask why I did it. Back then, I didn´t answer you. Know why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of you, my own feelings. I was afraid of further rejection, I was afraid of what I have become. I was in hospital for over a year. I´ve lost so much blood that they didn´t give me any chances of surviving. Yet, I lived. Why couldn´t I just die? Why couldn´t I be granted sleep eternal? I was depressed and only thought about suicide. I didn´t want to live. Not like this. Teachers didn´t give me any time for my conflicted mind to reflect. They tested me and.. they found out that I am the best child at Wammy´s. That made number one to succeed L and you fell to second place. I didn´t want to take your spot. Sure, I was gifted, but I didn´t want to take that role. I... just wanted to be with you. I am actually crying, when I am writing this. Me, the "robotic prodigy ." That´s how children in Wammy´s called me when I began to beat you ate very test we took and you started hating me. I tried to fail the next test, but then you spoke to me for the first time since my hospitalization. "Don´t you dare drop your position now. I want to beat you fair and square." You said. I just nodded. I never intended to hurt you in any way. But I beat you at that test, the next one and so on. Your hate for me was growing. I surpressed my feelings for so long, kept them in check. And that was the beginning of the downfall. One day, you beat me up after I confessed again, unable to contain my feelings anymore. I was only human, no matter how many people thought that I didn´t have feelings. I had them. My heart was beating for you. After my confession you beat me up so badly they had to take me to the hospital. I woke up, stitched. You sat by my bed, asleep. Finally, I felt at peace. I truly, earnestly loved you. I loved you so much that I was willing to accept that you hate me, just so I could be with you in rare moments like that one. Next morning, you said that you wish I would die. At that time, my heart finally crumbled and I didn´t bother to collect its pieces. You left me alone. Soon after, Roger came in and asked me who did this to me. It was me. I did this to myself and blaming you would be a lie. I said I didn´t see who it was. He left, albeit a bit confused. That night, I tried to kill myself, again. You wanted me dead, right? I would grant you your wish. I hardly got up and sneaked to next room where there was a woman who has been poisoned by foreign exotic snake from abroad. Doctors took all the venom from her, but they forgot to take it to a laboratory. I came closer. She was sound was there, in a bowl. To my surprise, I found a syringe. I took the bowl and the syringe with me. I got on my bed and inserted the syringe into the venom. Then I pressed it into my left arm multiple times, till the bowl was empty. I felt as my body went numb and I lost my footing. I fell off my bed. Then my vision blurred. When I have opened my eyes, I thought that I have finally died. All around me was white. The walls, the ceiling... everything. Then I saw you standing by me. You saw how I awoke and you said that I look horrible and that my hair has become white. A doctor came in and she said that someone must have given it to me while I was sleeping. Doctors saved me, once again. I gritted my sheet. Why? Why cannot I die?! She left, but you stayed. You stayed. You took my hand, gently."I don´t want you to die." You said. I felt as a single tear drop formed in my eye. You wiped it away and you hugged me and gave me a kiss on the lips. With all my strenght, I pushed you away. No, I don´t want your pity! I don´t need it from you now! It´s too late! Too bad I didn´t say these words aloud back then. Maybe everything would be different... and maybe not. After that, you only gave me one confused look and exited my room. I cried. I cried afterwards. The whole day, plus night. I was surprised I had so many tears. I had all the time to think. Think about you, your sudden and too late pity on me. Maybe you had felt only pity and disgust. If only you saw sooner that I needed you. If only... but things cannot be changed now. From that day, I decided to really be like a robot. Emotionless and what´s more important – start anew.

N

After Mello finished the first letter, he was honestly shocked and he found himself crying. If only Near said loudly what he really felt at that time! If only he wasn´t so damn much confusing! If only... he saw through Near´s loneliness sooner. Through his empty eyes... through his pure love. If only they weren´t such fools! Mello dreaded to read the next letter. It was much shorter, but quantity was not the matter here. Lindner said that this were Near´s thoughts, feelings... hopes, dreams. Mello swallowed down the lump in his throat and his heart skipped more that just a few beats. It hurt. It hurt him, horribly.