AN: Kurt Sutter owns SOA... I don't so don't sue me! I do however own Jenna... This is the prequel to Everybody Knows...so enjoy and please review!~Meg

Why was I ok? What made me so great that I deserved to be ok a little road rash and concussion but I'm fine.

My girl, My Old Lady I had literally broken her. Just as her mother feared I would only in a different way than her mother had anticipated. I've crippled her for life.

I hear drills squealing as they put the halo more tightly in place my stomach turns but I can no longer retch there is nothing in me left to lose.

My mother sits down next to me. "Baby." I ignore her staring straight ahead at nothing but the oatmeal colored wall. "Downright cheery color" Jenna would of teased him. Only he wanted to cry to stop breathing to stop being. Because his Jenna would never be "Jenna." again he had fixed that.

Opie had gone in and held her hand as they tightened the apparatus holding her spine straight as soon as he was safely outside they door he fell into harsh breathtaking sobs. Donna practically held him up. He leaned on the wall trying to catch his breath still crying "Pop I…I.." and the sobs started again as Piney went over rubbing a hand down Opie's back as he must of done when he was a child. "I know son I know…shhh…" Sons just didn't cry it wasn't their way. He had never seen Opie Winston cry not even when his Mama left.

Once Opie had a hold of himself. "She's asking for you. Wants to know you're ok see for herself."

"Unfortunately I'm fine tell her so." Opie walked away I continued to stare without purpose for what seemed like hours. A nurse came over to him.

"She asked me to relay a message. She knows what you are out here doing to yourself …she said tell him I love him anyway." I get up and walk away. I find that I have auto piloted myself to the chapel.

Opie is sitting in the front pew hands folded and head bowed in prayer. "Amen." he murmurs then looks up I can tell he is looking at the cross hung on the wall. "Come sit." he tells me. Shuffling my way next to him I sit down. Churches make me nervous even little half assed ones in hospitals where people come to hang on to mere shreds of hope. That's what Opie is doing here trying to find hope where there is none.

"This isn't your fault Jax the front end locked up coulda happened if she were on my bike too it was an accident nothing else."

"Still doesn't help any."

"I know that…I keep thinking of the times when Mom and Pop would have a drunken row and I would look up and there she was in her my lil pony nightgown her hair sticking up forty ways to Sunday…they always scared her. It was always the same… "Can I sleep with you Harry?" I'd toss back my covers she'd climb in all sharp knees and elbows. I'd play with her hair and recite "The Corduroy Bear." From memory and she'd fall asleep and in that moment the fact that I was a fourteen year old boy who'd rather have Claire Castleby in his bed and not his baby sister didn't matter. The fact that our father was a drunken ass and our mother never permanently in our lives didn't matter because I was able to fix her world make it safe again. This I can't fix or make safe and I'm lost here but we all are Jax… your lost I'm lost Jen's lost we're all lost but it doesn't give you an excuse to hide. Go look in on her. Tell her you love her and it's all gonna be ok even if its not because she needs you and she needs to hear it." Without a word I got up and left.

Going into our house was a bad idea. When it had become our house I couldn't tell you. It was warm and feminine to a degree that if you knew Jenna would surprise you. Now the house tended to smell like fresh baked bread and vanilla candles rather than the sex and motor oil odor it had before she moved in. he took off his clothes dropping the by but not in the hamper. Jenna hated that. He turned and put them in the container.

He stepped under the hot spray the water stinging his abrasions he welcomed the pain he felt he deserved it. He was careless going out in a downpour was so incredibly stupid. He washed quickly stepping out he wrapped himself in a towel. Then it happened. Her purple silk kimono robe hung on the back of the bathroom door waiting for her to return. Reaching over his fingers ghosted across it soft and cool. He plucked it off the hook drawing it to him he inhaled. Lavender and sandalwood. Her. He dissolved. The pain was crushing. He stumbled back to sit on the edge of the tub. Tears dripping down his face. The silk clung to the moisture on his body. His mother appeared next him why or how he didn't know. He thought he was crying silently but obviously not as his mother shushed him. Her arms around him. He couldn't remember the last time his mother held him.

"I know you love her Jax. I know you wish it was you and not her you I know you are dying inside but you can't ignore her. Because you love her. This will be hard. It's going to suck…a lot… but she's not dead. She's still Jenna. She's scared and alone in this in a way none of us can save her from but we can and will help her find her way because we all love her and sometimes life gives you shit on top of shit deal with but she'll make it. I know that and believe it. She needs you to believe it too."

I couldn't stay I tried . So took Clay's bike and rode down to L.A. staying in seedy motel on Ventura. Watching a constant replay of Lorenzo's Oil. Which was probably the most depressing movie ever made. I drank until the hurt numbed I did that for nearly a month when Clay finally forced me home. His fatherly advice being. "Suck it the fuck up boy we need you here! Opie got locked up."

I had been back about two months when she rolled into the shop. I had avoided her so far so I slipped into the club hoping she wouldn't follow me. This was Donna's attempt to get her out of the house and help us all at once. Had to love her for trying but this wasn't going to happen. I grabbed a beer. The door was yanked open sunlight bled into the darkened space.

"Do you love me?" she yelled at my back the question was so simple it caught me off guard.

"Yes, you know I do."

"No I don't know that you do anymore."

"Well I do!"

"Then look at me Jax! Goddamnit can't you at least look at me."

"I can't it makes me hate myself." I said calmly a deadly calm that would scare anyone but Jenna. "Too bad." she murmured rolling over she yanked him around to face her. "God I love you but you're being so stupid."

"I hate what I've done to you."

"You didn't do this!" she smacked the arms of her chair "It was an accident Jax! I want your love not your pity." he was silent "And if you can't just love me…then you aren't the man I thought you were." she rolled off.

This is the first time I've been back to the church since the accident. She'd asked me to meet her here said it was important. She sat with her back to whitewashed church wall arms crossed over her chest.

"You came…huh…I lost a bet."

"Well this place is meaningful to us and you said it was important so here I am why am I here Jenna?"

"I need a reason not to leave Charming thought you might give me one." he was quiet.

"The silence thing is getting old…and so are the "I crippled you eyes." I love you Jax but I feel like I'm slowly killing you by being around so I'm leaving. I have no real reason to stay…I asked you here to tell you goodbye Jax." she reached out grabbing my shirt and yanked me down to her level. She kissed me like she'd never see me again. I kissed her back like no time had passed. My hands tunneled into her hair. It was a hungry desperate kiss as we each tried to get our fill knowing it would never happen I tried to ingrain her touch her her taste her feel her face her everything on my mind so that fifty years from now I could go back in my mind and feel loved. She whimpered as we broke for air. I realized she was crying. Our forehead still touching she whispered. "Take care of them. I love you goodbye Jax." I stood there eyes closed unable to watch her leave.

"Where will you go? What will you do? Will you be back?"

"Wherever the wind blows me. I'll keep moving till the pain dies and the sting numbs. I won't be back."

"I love you Jenna."

" I know baby." I stood there eyes closed until I heard her truck start and she was long gone.

"Goodbye." I whispered.