The Big Bad Wolf

by Moonstone369

A horrible curse, an unwanting mother, three of your closest friends dead, and another succumbed to evil. When you count your life in losses the horizon becomes unreachable. Remus Lupin must let go of the things he's lost in order to keep the things he ha

The Big Bad Wolf

-1One-Shot

No one said it would be easy,

But no one said it'd be this hard.

And no one said it would be easy,

But no one thought we'd come this far.

Remus pulled his knees close to his body and rocked slowly back and forth in the dark. His heart was pounding beneath his tiny chest. He could hear it beat constantly, weaving a sinister song with the thundering rain. It kept going and going. It never missed a beat; it just got faster and faster until his chest felt as though it should explode. Remus wrenched his eyes tightly shut and rocked harder, his fingernails digging into his palms and his jaw clenching deeper and deeper into his lip. He willed himself to pass out as his own filthy blood continued to beat harder and harder against his eardrums, but he couldn't.

Why was this happening to him? He was just a small boy after all. What had he done to deserve a lifetime of darkness and fear? He had only just left the hospital last week and nothing was the same. Everything was so intense and it left a constant sick feeling in his gut. His father's face no longer held laughter or happiness, only grief and guilt and his mother was afraid. He could see it in her eyes, she was afraid of what he had become. Remus opened his eyes and tried to steady himself reaching for a pillow and clinging to it. He looked out the window and tried to drown out his parents' voices that were growing apart of the roaring din of a silent night. He stared at the moon and clenched the pillow tighter. How could something that had held so much wonder now instill such terror in him. He didn't understand yet what horrors the moon held for him, but as he looked at it he lost apart of himself. Tomorrow night he would be totally surrendered to its power and all of him would disappear. He would be consumed by a monster and Remus Lupin, the five year old boy, would cease to exist. More than anything Remus just wanted to feel warm again. He wanted to be secure, but never again would he have a life unblemished by his horrible curse. He would always be numb.

Remus pulled his eyes away from the sky and focused on his parents' shouting something that only made him clutch his pillow tighter.

"This is your fault! You should never have crossed that man! Now, because of you my son is a . . . is, is a . . ." his mother dissolved into more tears.

"He's our son! He's still our son Marian! Don't you think I would take it all back if I could?"

"Because of you he won't ever be able to be apart of anything, he won't ever be accepted. Do you really think he'll be allowed to go to school when he puts the other children in so much danger? Who will give him a job? Where is he supposed to go? His life is ruined and it's all your fault!"

"We'll find a way, his life is not over. If we can't find a school that will accept him then I'll teach him myself if I have to. He's a smart boy, there will be something he can do." his father's voice was beginning to waver as he desperately tried not to give up on his son.

"What about our lives, John? This family won't ever be the same again. I can't even look at him anymore. How do you think that makes me feel? I can't sleep and don't you tell me that you don't lock your door at night?"

"It will make things harder for us, but that doesn't mean we should abandon him. How hard do you think it is for him? He's just a boy and he doesn't understand any of it. It's not like you don't love him anymore." his mother hesitated a moment. "Marian?!!"

"I don't know anymore, John, it's just so hard." she was crying again, but more steadily.

"He's your son." his father said with disdain. A clap of thunder shook the house and Remus began rocking again. He wished he couldn't hear them, that the walls weren't so thin or that the thunder was louder. His ears burned and his heart ached.

"He's a monster . . ." another roll of thunder drowned out their voices as the word pierced his heart like a knife. It was all he could hear as he began to cry. Monster. Did his mother really not love him anymore? Maybe he had really done something that horrible. There was silence in the next room as Remus stared out the window at the moon again. It made his chest swell with anger. It was so far out of reach yet it was responsible for an entire life of damnation and loneliness.

There was a small tap on his door before it slowly opened and his father entered. Remus hurriedly tried to wipe away his tears as his father walked toward him.

"Remus?" his father called into the darkness.

"I'm here." Remus squeaked.

"What are you doing up this late son?" Remus crawled off of the window ledge and onto his bed.

"Couldn't sleep." he muttered. His father sat down beside him and saw on his son's illuminated face that he had been crying.

"Remus, what's wrong?" Remus shook his head. His father wrapped his arm around him. "You didn't hear your mother and I did you?" Remus shook his head again, but his father always could tell what was bothering him. "Your mother didn't mean those things, Remus, she's just scared and confused." but John Lupin could lie just as well as Remus.

"She did." whispered Remus. "She's leaving isn't she?" Remus' father sighed.

"Yes." he answered. They sat in silence for a long time and Remus felt safe in his father's embrace, but still his mother's words ate at him.

"Would you like me to read you one of your books?" Remus shook his head again.

"But you love it when I read to you." this was true, it always made him feel better, but Remus just couldn't get all of the pig eating, grandma impersonating wolves from the silly muggle stories his father told him sometimes out of his head. "Are you sure? Maybe it'll help you go back to sleep." Remus sat silent for a moment….

"Okay." he answered and his father pulled out his wand to light the lamp by his bed. Remus grabbed his arm, "As long as it's not the one with the girl and the red cape." his father smiled and with a wave of his wand the room was cast in a warm glow.

"I have a better one. It's about a boy who was raised by a family of wolves deep, deep in the jungle. . . ." Remus pulled close to his father and laid his head on his chest focusing on his voice. His father's dulcet tones surrounded him and none of the other noises mattered, not the slowing pulse pounding in his ears, the distant crack of apparation, or the rolling thunder.

Thunder shook the train and lightning flashed in the gloomy afternoon sky. Remus was silent and staring at the passing landscape. He still couldn't believe that he had been accepted into Hogwarts and he wouldn't believe it until he got there. He kept expecting someone to march into the compartment and drag him home. The ride seemed as though it would never end though he had only been sitting in the compartment for about an hour. He had changed into his unmarked black school robes already. Remus gave a fleeting glance to the other occupant of his compartment. He looked distant and removed, probably the same as Remus which made him wonder why. He hadn't spoken the entire ride nor had he looked Remus in the eye, he just stared out the window. He was as tall as Remus as far as he could tell and his clothes were very clean and sharp looking even though he was wearing the same uniform as him. His face was expressionless and his eyes were narrow. Silky black tresses fell across his eyes and hid the top of his ears. He had an air of propriety, but a detached countenance. He was probably a pure blood.

At that moment the compartment door slid open and another first year entered with a playful smile. He had a mop of black hair that stuck up oddly in the back and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. He walked over to Remus apparently missing the other boy.

"Hello, mind if I stay in this compartment, Evans and those other girls kicked me out of theirs. My name is James Potter." he extended his hand and Remus slowly took it in his. Remus gave him a small uncomfortable smile and replied.

"Remus Lupin." James sat down beside him.

"Lupin? I think my dad works with yours at the ministry." Remus nodded and turned back to the window trying to avoid eye contact. Remus wished he would bother that other boy, but James hadn't even seemed to notice him. "So, Remus, what house do you think you'll be in? I'm sure I'll be in Gryffindor like my mum and dad." Remus sighed.

"Don't much care." said Remus which seemingly wasn't the answer he was looking for.

"Don't care? Don't you at least favor one, I mean you wouldn't want to be in Slytherin. Which houses were your parents in?" Remus wished he would just leave him alone.

"Well of course he doesn't want to be in Slytherin, but he doesn't really have the choice so why even ask? It doesn't matter which house your parents were in." it was the other boy. James looked at him.

"Do I know you?" he said with a repugnant tone.

"Wouldn't care if you did." he answered as if he knew who James was. Remus could only deduce that the boy was apart of a rivalry family who knew him by name, it was the only explanation for his contempt.

"What's your name?" James asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Sirius, but you don't really care what my first name is do you? All that matters is whether I'm a blood fanatic or a mudblood." anger flushed on James' face and Remus slowly pulled out his book. Remus could tell this was really bad, the Potters were very outspoken against the dark arts and therefore did not get along too well with the blood fanatic families. Though he had not used it in reference to anybody, Sirius had obviously upset James with his choice of words and Remus was trying his best to stay out of it.

"I would never call anybody that." James spat.

"No, of course you wouldn't, but that doesn't keep you from discriminating based upon blood." Sirius seemed bored with the argument which made James even more angry.

"I would never harass someone just because their parents weren't wizards and I don't at all like what you're insinuating about me!" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Don't listen very well, do you Potter? I never said anything about harassing mudbloods. See, when I tell you that my name is Sirius Black you don't care who I am, you automatically assume that I'm some Slytherin brainwashed muggle hater." James was silent for a moment before he turned to Remus.

"So, Remus, since Mr. Black here is so intent on being uncivilized; what house were your parents in?" he asked with a smile. Sirius rolled his eyes and went back to staring out the window.

"Well," Remus started hesitantly. "My father was in Ravenclaw and my mum was a Hufflepuff." he answered giving fleeting glances at Sirius.

"That's nice, all of my cousins are in Ravenclaw. My mum's brother is a genius and all of his kids are too smart for their own good." Remus smiled back at him and shook his head a bit before returning to his book with an inward laugh. Remus wasn't sure how he was going to like Hogwarts, but he would never be bored, that was for sure.

She was crying. Remus hated it when they cried. It always made him nervous and he didn't even know why she was crying. All he had said was that they needed to talk and she had started crying. He extended his hand and kind of patted her on the back.

"Um . . . Sadie?" she sniffled and looked up to him.

"Yy-yes, Remus?"

"What's wrong?" she broke into more fits of sobbing.

"You're br-break-king up w-with me-ee." Remus wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"I am?" he said with a dazed expression. Remus didn't see how she could breath between all of her blubbering.

"I kn-knew it." she howled. Remus stirred uncomfortably in his seat. Inside his mind he was repeatedly beating his head against the wall. Please-thunk-stop-thunk-crying-thunk. Why-thunk-do-thunk-they-thunk-have-thunk-to-thunk-cry-thunk. I-thunk-will-thunk-never-thunk-understand-thunk-girls-thunk.

"I'm . . . sorry." she got up and ran away sobbing hysterically. Remus closed his eyes and sighed. James and Sirius would never let him hear the end of this. Remus stood up and walked back to the common room with a resigned expression on his face. When he reached the fat lady's portrait he muttered the password.

James and Peter were playing chess on the floor by the fire and Sirius was sitting on the couch looking as though he were bored to tears. The rest of the common room was empty. Remus walked over to them.

"Why aren't you all at Hogsmeade?" asked Remus indifferently. Sirius turned to face him.

"Well, apart from being banned by McGonagall for the week, James here figured you needed some emotional support." Remus sat down next to him with an exasperated sigh.

"That is not what I said." James turned indignantly.

"Doesn't matter James." Remus shrugged off.

"Did you tell her?" Peter asked. Sirius rolled his eyes with a smirk.

"Of course he didn't tell her, Peter, why do you think he looks so miserable." James got up and sat beside Remus forgetting their chess game.

"So, what happened mate?" James asked with a sympathetic tone. Sirius smiled.

"Probably the same thing that happens every time he tries to tell them, the only question is did she break up with you or did you break up with her?" James shot him a glare, but Remus smiled. Sirius always had an uncanny way of cheering you up and being a sarcastic git at the same time.

"I think she broke up with her for me. . . . If that makes any sense." James looked confused, but Sirius gave him an envious grin.

"I love it when that happens, it makes it so much easier." Remus shook his head.

"Well I didn't find it all that pleasant. I wasn't going to break up with her. I was just going to tell her, you know, about my condition so I could stop lying to her and then she started crying." all three of them gave a distasteful moan. "I know. It's just something about when they cry that makes me all uncomfortable. So, when she started talking about how I was breaking up with her I didn't correct her." Sirius laughed. James gave him a friendly slap on the back.

"Look at the bright side mate, at least you didn't tell her about your furry little problem, huh." they all laughed. "My cousins are all crazy anyway." Sirius snorted.

"You should really just stick to Gryffindors, those Ravenclaws are always either really sensitive or really self-righteous." Remus smiled.

"Thanks guys." Remus stood up. "I think I'll go take a shower." he turned toward the staircase.

"James, what about McGonagall?" Peter asked.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot. Oy, Moony!" Remus turned back to them. "McGonnagal was looking for you. It seemed pretty important."

"I'll go find her after I take a shower then."

"I don't know." said Sirius. "She seemed all weird about something. I know she gets funny about stuff, but this was different. She was really flustered, maybe you should go see her now." Remus looked at them hesitantly.

"I suppose I should then. See you guys later." Peter and James returned to their chess game and Sirius shouted back at him as he made his way to the portrait hole.

"Hurry back, so we can sneak into Hogsmeade." Remus nodded and exited the portrait hole.

Knock, knock. Remus stood outside of Professor McGonnagal's office wondering what had been so important to go to the common room looking for him.

"Enter." came a distant voice and Remus stepped into a room he had seen often as house prefect as well as accomplice to James and Sirius. Minerva McGonnagal was sitting at her desk writing no doubt next week's exam. She dropped her quill into the ink well and looked up at him over her spectacles standing suddenly.

"Professor, James and Sirius said you were asking for me?"

"Yes, yes, please sit down, have a biscuit." Remus faltered a moment as he observed his teacher. James and Sirius were right she was acting oddly. He sat in the chair facing her, but did not touch the plate of biscuits on her desk. "Now, Mr. Lupin . . . I . . . um Remus, I'm afraid there's been a Death Eater attack. . . ." Remus closed his eyes and prayed. Not my dad, not my dad, not my dad, please not my dad. "Your mother, a Ms. Marian Klaus, was transported to St. Mungo's this morning and was pronounced dead within the hour." relief flooded Remus' senses, his father was safe and then suddenly caught himself hoping his face hadn't shown it. He sat silent, but the only thing he could think about was his father. He tried to feel horrible like he was meant to, but every time he thought about his mother he heard her voice saying he was a monster and he saw the fear in her eyes.

"I can arrange for a train this afternoon if you wish." McGonnagal was giving him a sympathetic look and the way she was acting around him made him respect her more, but she really didn't understand.

"No." she looked confused.

"Pardon?"

"No train." she wore a befuddled expression, but went along with it.

"Alright then, Mr. Lupin, would you like a private dormitory for the night?"

"No, Professor," Remus stood up. "I think I'll go back to the common room now." she nodded and gave him a small smile. He had never seen nor received a smile from Professor McGonnagal, but the fact that it took his mother dieing to get such a small reassuring smile made him appreciate it ten times more. Remus exited the room with the worst possible feeling. It didn't hurt, he didn't feel sad, or even happy that she was dead, his entire body felt numb. It was a feeling that he hated. He hadn't felt it since before he had become friends with Sirius, James, and Peter and it was something he had often felt in the presence of his mother. The fact that she was instilling that feeling into him even now when she was dead should have infuriated him, but it didn't because he couldn't feel anything as he walked toward the Gryffindor common room. He was totally and completely numb to everything around him.

Remus vaguely recalled the passing portraits or the password as he recited it. As he entered the common room James and Sirius, just as he had left them, stood up. Remus remained still and silent as he stood in front of the portrait hole and James and Sirius approached him with smiles on their faces.

"You ready to go to Hogsmeade?" it was James. Remus distantly noted that he was holding the Marauder's map and his invisibility cloak. "Why are you so peaky? Full moon's not for another two weeks." Remus shook his head.

"Yeah mate, you look as if someone's died. What did McGonnagal want?" Remus fluttered his eyes and then walked past them toward the boys' staircase.

"Mum's died." he muttered back to them and proceeded up the stairs. James kicked Sirius in the shin.

"Ouch!"

"Why must you be so insensitive?" he whispered loudly.

"How was I supposed to know his mum died?" Sirius hissed back. "It's just an expression." Remus ran up into the seventh year dormitory and immediately into the bathroom. He stripped his clothes and went into the shower. He could hear James and Sirius following behind him, but nothing really mattered. He twisted the knob as far left as it would go and let the freezing cold water wash over his entire body. Remus leaned up against the wall and listened to his friends outside the bathroom door. Peter had entered the dormitory and apparently seeing all of the gloomy faces remarked,

"Who's died?" Sirius threw something at James which hit him with a thud.

"Told you so."

"What's going on?" Peter asked. Remus shook his head and gave a dry laugh. He pulled away from their voices and concentrated on the water drowning out everything taking silent solace in his numbness just this once.

Remus turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He took shelter from the draft in a warm towel and sighed. He looked up at the mirror, it was covered in steam that blurred his face. Sudden rage escaped him and he threw his fist into his taunting reflection shattering the small mirror into a multitude of pieces. Remus let out a howl of agony and pulled his bloodied fist into his towel. He hurriedly pulled some bandages out of the medicine cabinet and departed from the bathroom into his small cold flat focusing on the pain so he wouldn't see their faces. Remus sat at his small kitchen table that was missing a leg and his one chair and tended to his bleeding knuckles. As he went about making himself decent a sickness spread through his entire body and nothing he did could make it go away.

Remus picked up the paper from his counter and read the headline for what must have been the hundredth time that morning. You-Know-Who Vanquished. He hated it. Those four words had cost him everything. The entire world seemed to be celebrating the defeat of the most feared wizard, but it had taken his life once again. The celebratory article of Voldemort's defeat extended six pages and yet the death of three beloved friends, twelve other innocent muggles, and the imprisonment of the man who had caused it all barely covered half of the midsection. It seemed that some cruel puppet master had set out to torture him. With one fell swoop every bit of happiness had been ripped from him. Everyone he loved was gone and everything he lived for had disappeared. Lily and James were dead, Peter was dead, and Sirius was in prison. Remus could barely stand to speak his name after what he had done to them. It left such a foul taste in his mouth and even thinking of him mad his teeth clench.

Remus was alone once again. Even the Order had dissolved after Voldemort's demise and he was fighting to pay rent every month. He thought he would have gotten used to being alone, but he just couldn't take this anymore. What had he done to deserve this pain? How was he suppose to keep going? All of it just overwhelmed him and he just couldn't get the constant sickness in his gut to go away. Sometimes it was just so horrible he wished the numbness would return, but the aching was so far beyond that. He stared at his bandaged hand and wished all of that pain would just envelope his agony so he wouldn't have to exist in this world any longer. It was a world where the sacrifice of three people were forgotten and justice seemed so cruelly misplaced.

An owl flew through the small open window and dropped a letter in front of him. The world around him seemed to be cast in such a dim light compared to his anguish and as he opened the letter all of his movements were mechanical. Death would have been a sweet relief compared to this purposeless existence.

Remus,

I do not presume to know your pain in this moment of turmoil, but I would like to offer you my sincerest comforts. I know that you wish to take in Harry for the sake of Lily and James and I have no doubt that he would be loved and cared for as your own son, but I believe that it is in his best interest to stay with his Aunt and Uncle. Young Harry carries a large weight and I believe it best he grow up in a home away from all of this until he is old enough to understand the burden he bears. Please understand my decision and know that I will always be there if you are ever in a time of need.

A Very Tired Old Man,

Albus Dumbledore

Remus threw aside the letter and put a hand over his face fighting to steady his breath. It was just him and the monster now.

Remus,

It has been a long time, old friend, since we have spoken and I hope now that you're well. I wish to meet with you and discuss what has long been forgotten. I would also like to aid you in your job search as well as mine. I kindly request your presence on the afternoon of the 31st of July to discuss such matters over a cup of tea. I shall await your reply.

Professor Albus Dumbledore,

Headmaster

The formality of the letter truly seemed to point out how long it had been since Remus had spoken with the Headmaster of Hogwarts. He had not heard from Albus Dumbledore in little under twelve years and he had no idea how he had known of his current employment state, but Remus was thankful for any chance.

Remus now stood on the evening of the 31st of July upon the steps of Hogwarts castle. The large oak front doors had not changed in the years since Remus had last seen one of his only true homes nor had the rest of the castle. He threw open the doors and found a familiar face awaiting him at the top of the steps leading into the entrance hall. Remus ascended them and stood in front of him with a warm smile.

"Lupin, the Headmaster is expecting you." drawled Severus Snape in an unpleasant tone.

"Severus." Remus nodded.

"That would be Professor Severus Snape." he hissed. Remus curled his lip into a small smile.

"Really, Severus, do old friends require such formalities?"

"Yes." he articulated simply and then led him to the large stone gargoyle that guarded Albus Dumbledore's office always. The lack of change almost made Remus feel like a young boy again, but there were some things that would never be the same. Some things that this place had once held for him he would never get back. Even the presence of Severus somehow seemed reassuring, but it was almost sad to see him without the opposing laugh of James Potter. Remus stepped onto the revolving staircase and though Severus was climbing them Remus stood silent waiting with his thoughts. The castle seemed dead, but Remus wasn't kidding himself even James Potter couldn't have restored it to it's former warmth without the sarcastic smirk of Sirius Black swaggering behind him. James was better off dead than living in this miserable existence. Remus would have given anything to trade places with his friend. Severus dropped the knocker twice and they waited in silence.

"Do come in." came a voice long unheard by Remus. They entered and stood before the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Minerva McGonnagal stood by his side and stepped forward to greet him.

"It is good to see you again, Remus. You look . . ." she looked up and down his shabby, tattered robes and his tired, worn expression for a moment and then added. " . . . well." Remus gave her a small smile and a nod.

"You also, Professor."

"Please Remus, I'm no longer your Professor, call me Minerva." Remus replied with a gracious smile, but she would always be Professor McGonnagal to him and she deserved his respect. Remus turned to Dumbledore and met his gaze. Remus had been in this position many times and it almost seemed as if it wasn't real. Dumbledore stood behind his desk, waves of long silver hair framing his old face, and half-moon spectacles sitting upon his long nose. Fawkes resided in all his elegance on his perch and the noisy portraits of former Headmasters and Mistresses stirred around them.

"Thank you, Severus, if you could leave us now please." Severus gave Remus a shrewd glare.

"Yes, Headmaster." and he swooped out of the office like a bird of prey.

"Sit, Remus, if you will." Remus obliged. "It has been a long while since our last meeting and I was indeed unhappy to learn of your struggle in finding employment. After all, you were such a good student and a loyal friend when the Order of the Phoenix needed you. A certain rumor has circulated through the general population of the wizarding community that has made it quite difficult to find a qualified teacher to fill the Defense Against the Dark Arts position." Dumbledore's eye twinkled and Remus smiled inside himself. The curse of the Defense Against the Dark Arts had been a commonality at Hogwarts when he had attended and something that had been widely spread and exaggerated by the Marauders themselves.

"You mean the curse." Remus replied with a hesitant smirk.

"To put it that way, yes, but I knew such a sensible man as yourself would not be discouraged by something so ridiculous. I heard about your recent strain through some friends in the ministry and I believed we could help out each other's situation. Of course I can understand if you would like to continue you your search elsewhere, but I would like to offer you the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor." Remus wasn't one to turn down such an amazing offer, but some things concerned him.

"I assume you told Professor Snape about this proposal."

"Yes, yes of course."

"Thought he seemed a bit morose." Remus added loosely. "And what is to be done about my present state of circumstances? I am sorry to say that my potion skills are not at all at the caliber of the Wolfsbane potion."

"That has been set in order. Severus has commendably agreed to brew the potion for you each month. He's a very accomplished potions master." Remus nodded and sighed. It seemed Dumbledore had an answer for everything, but Remus just didn't know what could make Hogwarts home for him again when so many things were missing.

"Surely the parents will not want their children being taught by someone with my condition. They will not want them put in that danger." Dumbledore gave him a sympathetic smile.

"There is no need to worry the parents with such matters. You went to school here for seven years without any mishaps."

"I don't believe Professor Snape would agree with you."

"Well, that situation turned out for the best in the end and there should be no reason for Severus to hold a grudge." Remus thought otherwise. He knew with his determination, Severus could hold on to much more than a grudge for longer than he had. "The staff of course will be informed of your lycanthropy and proper precautions will be taken. This is different than last time, Remus, advances in science have been made, everything has been taken care of. It's your choice." Remus stood and a wave of exhaustion hit him. He missed his home so much and maybe it was time to go back. McGonnagal who had stood silent the whole time looked genuinely compassionate, but remained where she was and did not utter a single word.

"You have done much for me in my short life, Professor, and for that I am sincerely thankful. I do wish to accept your offer. I have long missed Hogwarts." there was still one thing bothering Remus. Dumbledore could see it; he could see everything.

"However . . ." Dumbledore pushed. Remus gave a shuddering sigh. He had spent so long trying not to remember it.

"Professor, what about his escape? What about . . . Black?" he could see McGonnagal cringe. Dumbledore looked drained.

"The ministry is handling his recapture and extra protections are being set in order. I have no qualm, Remus that you are in any way aiding or in contact with him. He has done terrible things and he will pay for what he has done." Remus turned and looked the old man in the eyes. He wanted so badly to tell him what they had done, but he couldn't bear to lose his only mentor's respect and trust. He had done so much for him and he had taken that for granted.

"I pay everyday with a piece of my soul. What he did has cost me my life and the only sufficient punishment for him is the one he has placed upon me."

"Is there something you wish to tell me, Remus?" asked Dumbledore in a hushed tone almost seeing through his exterior. There was a long silence.

"I'll take the job." he said simply.

"Wonderful." Dumbledore had returned to his whimsical state. "You will remember where the classroom is then and your office and quarters are adjoining. Minerva will help you prepare for classes. You may move your things in as soon as you wish." Remus nodded silently. "The full moon is at the end of August and I'm afraid Severus' potion will not quite be ready in time. You will have to return home. I've made arrangements for you to come on the train for start of term." again Remus nodded and turned toward the door. He stopped abruptly.

"It's his birthday."

"Pardon?"

"Harry."

"You're quite right." Dumbledore replied.

"What's he like?" Remus asked in a nostalgic tone. McGonnagal stepped forward.

"His father's son." she replied softly. "Has a knack for finding trouble and a bigger one for getting out of it." Remus gave a small melancholy laugh.

"Thank you." he departed from the office and took to the castle as if he had never left. He hadn't realized how he had truly missed it. Remus took a shortcut through a large tapestry and let it flutter over him.

There was an eerie silence around the room as Remus turned toward the dais. The world around him was closing in and everything he saw seemed so far away. He saw the jet of red light strike him and Sirius fell. He hated how cruelly simple life was. Remus blinked and a friend he had only just regained was gone. With his back arced and the snarling laughter still upon his face he fell and then everything went black as the veil fluttered back into place.

Remus shot up drenched in his own sweat and struggling to breath as he had done every time before that he managed to fall asleep. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't sleep now that he was again all alone in the world. Sirius had been dead for two weeks and still it felt no different. Somehow Remus had grown incapable of feeling the pain he had lived with for so long and it was slowly killing him inside. The world was cast in a dim gray light and nothing around him mattered. The soul purpose of his existence now was to ensure Voldemort's defeat or die trying as everyone before him had. The only thing he could do now was to protect the future of those unable to protect themselves.

Remus was sure he was the only one remaining at number 12 Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore had ordered its evacuation, but Remus had no where else to stay until tomorrow when he departed to certain doom. All he was reminded of was how much Sirius had hated it here. It had been torture for him to be locked up here and Remus sometimes thought how he truly envied Sirius' ability to be rid of it. Death sounded sweet, but he had to keep going. He wouldn't sacrifice his life in vain. He stood from his bed and mechanically exited his room.

The house was quiet and quite literally the house of a dead man. He stepped off of the first landing stairs and went through the hall of mounted house elf heads into the kitchen. As he started toward the door a shattering sound behind him brought his senses alert. The house remained silent. No matter how loud anything got none of the portraits had said a word. An ironic respect for the end of their lineage. Remus pulled out his wand swiftly and threw open the door.

"Who's there!" he demanded. A woman's scream echoed through the enormous house. Remus gave a sigh of relief and lowered his wand slowly. A young woman stood there with her hand over her heart and a shattered plate at her feet.

"Oh god, Remus, you scared me." she was breathing rather rapidly.

"Sorry, Tonks, I didn't know you were here." said Remus in hushed tones.

"I just got out of St. Mungo's and I came back for some of mum's old things. I meant to get them from Sirius before, but I . . . well you know. I didn't think anyone was supposed to be here. Dumbledore said . . . yes well . . ." she trailed off and her cheeks flushed. Remus gave her a small smile and her face softened.

"Reparo." he commanded and the plate flew back up into her hands. Remus passed her and took a frosted butterbeer from the cold-cabinet. "I'm departing for Leads in the morning."

"Are you going you know to . . . yeah . . ." Remus nodded with an understanding smile and left the kitchen for the sitting room. They both sat on the couch in front of the fire and Remus uncorked his butterbeer. "Are you staying long?" her presence was soothing and Remus was glad for the distracting conversation.

"Not this time. I shall return shortly before September, but after that I shall be gone perhaps until Christmas if everything goes as planned." Tonks' face fell and her bright hair seemed to dull. She was silent for a moment.

"Must you really do this, Remus?" Remus remained still and composed, but his heart was twanging.

"I believe it important, yes." he missed her bubbly disposition. He wished he could cheer her up, but had never been quite as skilled in that area as Sirius. She stared at the fire, a flickering glow illuminating her pitiful expression. Remus' heart seemed to be slowly sinking.

"You miss him don't you?" Remus' chest was bursting. Oh how badly he wished he could tell her everything at once. She seemed to understand and that only made him feel worse.

"Yes." was all he could manage in a shuddering whisper.

"My mum cried when she found out, but it took me a while to believe it. Didn't know him long, but he sure had a way of brightening up a room." Remus felt sick again. He wished she knew how much she meant to him.

" . . . used to turn girls' hair green when they broke up with me." he managed a small painful laugh as he said this.

"Why'd girls break up with you?"

" . . . felt bad about lying to them. I avoided them until they got tired of being ignored so Sirius turned their hair green. Didn't much blame them, but it always made me feel better." Tonks smiled a bit and then nervously asked.

"You're not going off because you feel guilty are you?" Remus looked at her.

"I'm the only werewolf in the Order, Tonks, it might as well be of some use."

"But you don't have to do this, you don't have to go away like this." her eyes were pleading and she looked as though she could cry. Remus prayed that she didn't. He shook his head. "Then why, Remus? Why do you want to leave?" she paused. "You aren't leaving because of me are you?" Remus closed his eyes and remained silent. She didn't cry, just sat back and stayed dreadfully silent.

"Please, Nymphadora, don't do this." she didn't say a word. Remus gave a collapsing breath and said nothing else slowly draining his bottle of butterbeer.

There was a long while of silence and Remus had had just about as much of it as he could take. He turned toward her, but she would not look at him.

"Tonks?" he pleaded. She turned slowly and Remus locked eyes with her. Swiftly he took her face in his hand and pulled her into him. He kissed her long and as he had never done before. He savored every moment and then pulled away. Remus exhaled in shuddering breaths. He leaned his forehead against hers and cupped her face gently in his large calloused hand.

"I can't do this." he whispered sweetly, "Please understand." she looked up at him and a small tear fell from her eye. He wiped it away and took her hand in his. They sat there together the remainder of the night in the serene silence.

Remus clenched Tonks' hand tightly as the Hogwarts students made their way to their seats in silence. He didn't know if he would still be alive without her and he just couldn't argue with himself anymore. She was young and he was a werewolf, but he loved her and right now that was all he had to hold onto. He saw Harry as he made his way to his seat followed closely by Ginny, Hermione, and Ron. Their faces were solemn and gloomy. Remus knew what harry had in store for him and wished so badly that he could do it for him. Life now seemed purposeless yet her hand in his served as his only anchor to reality. He could never let go.

Everything echoed around him and all he could see was her vivid pink hair and her tear stained face. The merpeople's lamenting song swept over him as a sobbing Hagrid carried Albus Dumbledore's body to the white marble table in the front. The whole funeral seemed to be so far away. He just continued to hold onto her hand as though it was the only thing holding him to life. Before he could make sense of time it was over and she was leaning on his shoulder staring into nothingness.

Remus squeezed her hand and stood up. She followed his movements. He just could not bear to be around all of the insincere tears and those who had no idea what true pain felt like. The only way he could keep the pain at bay was to hold onto her. She took the horrible numbness away and made him feel alive. They walked slowly together in the direction of the lake. She took hold of his arm and walked as close to him as possible.

"I love you, Remus." a warmth tingled in his extremities as she said this and he finally felt at peace.

"I haven't loved like this since I was a boy." he whispered to her. They stopped at the edge of the lake. "It's hard to remember how." she caressed his face sweetly.

"Don't worry," her voice was comforting. "I'll help you remember." They stood together at the lake's edge and looked back at the remains of the funeral. Hagrid remained in his seat next to Grawp, the students were slowly dispersing back to the castle and, Harry stood away from them speaking to Ginny. Tonks leaned on him.

"He's telling her that they can't be together because he has to go off and save the world." she said with a resigned note.

"Foolish boy." she smiled and he placed his arm around her.

"What do you suppose we do now, Remus?" he turned back to the lake and she came up behind him.

"The only thing we can do," he replied. "Enjoy this time that we have together and do everything we can to make sure Harry does what he has to." she nodded and stood on her own only holding his hand. "It's hard to see how much of his father he's got in him. It's a shame you never got to meet him, and Lily too."

"James Potter was a noble man and so is Harry because others have not let him lose sight of what is important. It's too bad the world has ruined his innocence." Remus held her close.

"I know what it's like to lose everything and I know he'll keep fighting until he gets it back," he closed his eyes. " . . . or die trying."

"I'm here now." she whispered and Remus felt that no matter what happened she would save him as he stared at his reflection in the clear water of the lake.

I looked at the book and then back up at my reflection. I looked like a tired old man and I didn't feel much better. The calmness of everything was a bit unsettling. It was hard to believe I would get this happy ending when everyone close to me had perished in battle as I thought would be my fate. Now it just seemed so surreal. My reflection in the dresser bureau's mirror showed nothing of what I really felt. The anxiety and the apprehension. I had never been so scared I couldn't do something in my life. My wife walked up behind me with a loving smile and placed her hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong, Remus?" I shook my head. I wasn't quite sure myself. She took the small children's book from my hand. "My dad dropped off some of his old stuff, you know for the baby this must be some muggle book he had as a kid." she flipped it over and read the title her smile disappearing. "The Story of Little Red Riding Hood and . . . The Big Bad Wolf." she scowled. "I'll have to talk to him."

"It's okay, Tonks." I smiled. "Really." she set the book down and put her arms around me.

"It will be alright, Remus, please tell me what's wrong." I closed my eyes and sighed.

"I still don't know if I'm ready to be a father. I feel like I've been living something out of someone else's life." she gave me a reassuring sigh.

"Nobody's ever ready to be a father, you just do the best you can. You will be a great father and any boy or girl we have will be lucky to have you. This is our life." she placed my hand on her stomach. "This is our family." I smiled and passed my fingers along her jaw line and pulled her into a sweet, tender kiss.

"Yes, yes it is." she smiled and laid her head on my chest. Everything had changed. I was married and to become a father. We were living inside Hogwarts, teaching alongside Harry. Tonks was teaching at the Auror Academy and Voldemort was just a bad memory. I never thought myself capable of feeling this happiness yet here I was at long last with a peaceful life and a growing family. I knew indeed how much had been sacrificed for my happiness and I would never forget the family I had once had in three little innocent boys. I had often of late tried to reason out how it was decided who was to live and who was to die. How was it that I deserved life and happiness more than Lily and James or Sirius or Harry. Now I finally understand that it is not a matter of worth but a matter of choices. I looked at my wife's loving smile and knew that all that could be done with life was to take what was given to you.

I finally had a life ahead of me and all the pain and choices that had led up to it was worth all of it. She held a secret in her smile that belonged to me, like a special kiss in a story my father had once told me of a boy who never grew up.

Sometimes I wonder who she's picturing,

When she looks at me,

When she looks at me and smiles.

No one said it would be easy,

But no one said it'd be this hard.

And no one said it would be easy,

No one thought we'd come this far.

Oh, and look we've come this far.