A/N: Angst… well. It's just… what I do. Sorry.
Warnings: angst, language, sex, mild violence, crushed dreams
Pairings: Sousuke/Haru, past Rin/Haru
Deep Water
Rin had been waiting for this day his entire life, or at least for as long as he had known what this day would mean, and Sousuke made damned sure he was there for it.
He skipped his afternoon classes and caught the train that took him to Tokyo, to the Tatsumi International Swimming Center and he made his way through the crowd, listened to the excited chatter, looked at the giant boards suspended over the beautiful pool and he waited. Waited hours until finally - finally the Olympic trials for the Men's 100 meter Freestyle started.
And there he was.
Tucking one strand of plum colored hair back into his swim cap and grinning, that wide, predatory smirk of joy and competition that always made Sousuke smile to see.
Rin. Living his dream.
Sousuke managed to get a seat near the front row of the balcony, still so far away, but close enough - close enough to watch Rin's golden body slice through the water, to watch him instantly pull away from the lanes beside him, swimming fast and hard and without a care in the world, his entire focus on Brazil, on the Olympics, of his dream and his future.
Sousuke had always been awed by Rin's focus, had felt Rin's pain and setbacks more harshly than even his own, and seeing him swim today made his heart beat fast, made his head feel light and it made him smile.
He found himself cheering - the old Samezuka swim chants - and probably Rin couldn't hear him over the roar of the crowd, over the pounding of his own heart and the rush of the water - but Rin came in first, set a new pool record and Sousuke had to laugh.
It was only day one of the trials - and Rin had said he was going to enter the 100 and 200 meter Freestyle events as well as the 100 and 200 meter Butterfly.
But after this start - it was clear Rin's head was clear, his focus complete, his form pristine - and his friends thrilled for him.
Sousuke watched a few other swimmers congratulate Rin, watched a taller swimmer with broad shoulders and criminally full Speedos hug Rin and watched Rin hug him back. It was good. Good that Rin had friends he could swim with, who supported him and challenged him. Sousuke was happy for him, happy that he was living his dream.
He waited for Rin near the side entrance. He'd swam here before, in high school, before transferring to Samesuke, before his future as a swimmer had been wrecked, and he remembered the layout well.
Rin came out, duffle across his shoulder, jacket folded under his arm and his college cap askew on his head.
He saw Sousuke and grinned, shouted and threw himself into his arms.
Sousuke staggered under his weight - Rin had been working out, a lot - but he held him tightly.
"You were amazing," Sousuke whispered into his hair and Rin pulled away and laughed, a blush on his cheeks.
He punched Sousuke's shoulder, his bad shoulder that was fine now, fine because he didn't swim, not like this, not anymore. Not with Rin.
"I was okay," Rin conceded. "The competition was light. Tomorrow will be harder." Rin bit his lip, a hopeful expression on his face and Sousuke rolled his eyes.
"Of course I'm going to watch tomorrow. I'll fail my classes this semester if it makes you happy - but of course I'm going to watch you."
Rin grinned and scratched his head.
"Thanks. I - I heard you cheering."
Now it was Sousuke's turn to blush. He'd felt silly, like a seventeen year old again, instead of the twenty year old man he had become.
"Rin! Rin-chan!"
It was the tall swimmer, and with his cap off Sousuke could see his hair had been bleached, was a blond so pale it was almost white and he watched Rin's face transform at the sight of him.
Ah. So that was Koki. Rin's classmate at University and his toughest competition in the Butterfly. Rin's boyfriend.
Rin had mentioned him, in their texts and emails, but this was the first time Sousuke had seen Rin in a year, the first time he had been able to schedule time - or wreck his schedule to make the time - to see Rin swim.
"We -" Rin turned back and he looked ashamed.
Sousuke chuckled.
"It's okay. Go celebrate. I'll be here tomorrow. You aren't allowed to blow me off then as well."
Rin grinned, hugged him again, and then ran back to Koki, who gave Sousuke a nod of acknowledgement, maybe thanking him, maybe warning him, and Sousuke nodded back. He hoped Koki was protective. Hoped he knew just how damned lucky he was to even share an orbit with someone like Rin.
Sousuke watched them walk away, watched Rin tuck his thumb into the back waistband of Koki's track pants and he shook his head.
As he turned to leave he caught sight of someone, a familiar but almost forgotten head of dark hair and sharp blue eyes.
Nanase?
Sousuke started walking, fast and a little carelessly bumping into people, but he spotted him again as he was crossing the street, saw his profile as he turned to look at traffic.
It was. It was Nanase.
Sousuke came to a sudden stop, realizing he had no idea what he was doing - following him. He watched him go, watched him merge into the crowds and he felt that old rage, that familiar anger and resentment, coil deep inside.
He hadn't seen Nanase since Nationals, two years ago. Hadn't seen him since the day he stood on the podium with Iwatobi and accepted his gold medal, accepted his teammates hugs. Since the day Rin stood in the stands with him, face blank, eyes downcast, as for once he didn't cheer on his friend and rival, as for once - at last - it was over.
As Sousuke rode the train back to his dorm he wondered. Wondered why Nanase had come. Wondered what he had been doing the last two years. Wondered if Rin knew.
Wondered why he still cared.
-o-
Rin came in second in the 100 meter Butterfly, beaten by Koki, but his time was still good enough, still way ahead of everyone else and Sousuke knew he would qualify, knew that after just those two events Rin was going to do it - was going to be an Olympic swimmer. And that night he went out to dinner with Koki and Rin, laughed as they ate only protein and made wistful faces when he crunched into his friend chicken katsu. Maybe Sousuke missed competitive swimming, maybe he would always wish for what he couldn't have, but he damned sure enjoyed getting to eat what he wanted.
They didn't stay out late, because Rin and Koki had a demon of a coach and besides, tomorrow was too important, and it was also clear they had plans of their own, probably sex back in their hotel room, and Sousuke didn't want to keep them, didn't want to intrude or feel like a third wheel.
As he rode back home that night, getting in late enough that his roommate was already asleep and Sousuke decided to just crawl into bed still dressed so he didn't have to wake him up, Sousuke found himself thinking of Nanase again, wondering about him again. He had always resented him, always resented what he had meant to Rin, how easily he could hurt Rin, how easily he could make Rin smile. But now… now Rin had Koki who never hurt him, at least, never in the way that made him stop talking to Sousuke, stop swimming, stop smiling. And Nanase. What did Nanase have now?
The 200 meter Freestyle was easily Rin's best event, and watching him the next day made Sousuke remember their days swimming together, training together and maybe he couldn't share the pool with Rin anymore, but he was still grateful for the time he had had. Still grateful for the fact that he had finally done a relay with Rin, finally meant it, finally been on a team and cared.
He waited for Rin afterwards again, but again, he saw Nanase and this time Sousuke didn't hesitate - he followed him.
Dodging through traffic and people and having to jog at points because Nanase walked fast, with his head down and his shoulders hunched and Sousuke lost him twice but found him again, stopped and watched him enter a pet shop.
He approached the window, saw Nanase disappear into the back for a moment and then come back with a new shirt on, a silly t-shirt with fish on it and a stupid visor hat with the brim in the shape of a fish tail. What the -?
Sousuke stepped back, looked at the store sign again. It was a fish store. They sold pet fish, and the walls of the shop were lined with tanks, water the same deep blue as Nanase's eyes, and Sousuke found himself unable to look away, unable to even think of walking away.
He watched Nanase with customers, watched him scoop fish out of their tanks and present them to children or sad old businessmen and it felt surreal. As if this literally could not be happening - as if there was no possible world in which Sousuke stood outside watching Nanase scoop out fish.
Sousuke hadn't really meant to wait for Nanase to leave, hadn't really meant to do any of this, but when the shop closed and Nanase stepped back out, in his normal clothes, he saw Sousuke and stared.
"You were at the trials," Sousuke said, after minutes of uncomfortable silence.
"Yes," Nanase agreed and he rubbed his nose, as if to scratch an itch.
"Why?" Sousuke had to ask and Nanase glared at him, his neutral expression gone in a flash.
"You know why," he bit out.
Sousuke sneered, wanted to say something biting, wanted to remind Nanase that he didn't care, didn't acknowledge him still, but Nanase sighed.
"I'm hungry."
Sousuke stared, confused.
Nanase sighed.
"Food," he said, as if Sousuke was an idiot.
It annoyed Sousuke.
"Why don't you just grab a few of your fish, then?" He snarled.
Nanase startled him by laughing, and Sousuke stared before he gave in, realized the humor of his irritation and he smiled, slightly, because he still didn't like to acknowledge Nanase.
"I live down there," Nanase pointed. "I can cook."
Sousuke frowned.
"Why?"
Nanase could have played dense, could have said something about cooking because he needed to, but he answered Sousuke's real question.
"I want to know how he is." It was a whispered admission. That didn't stop the sharp cut of the words, the knowledge that it was Nanase himself who had done this - had made it so that he was working in a pet store and having to ask Sousuke of all people, about Rin.
Sousuke sighed.
"Okay."
They walked in silence, and Sousuke remembered, suddenly, that Makoto went to a university in Tokyo. He wondered - he wondered, but he didn't ask. Wouldn't Makoto have been at the swim center with Nanase?
Nanase's apartment was up seven flights of stairs, a cramped, one bedroom studio and the walls were covered with sketches, torn out pages of a drawing book that looked a little like something a crazy person would put up, and Sousuke stopped, rudely, to stare at them as Nanase went into the kitchen and started to cook.
The drawings were of everything - old women, children, fish, a beautiful naked man who looked - just like Rin. Sousuke swallowed hard and turned away.
"You did those," he said, walking in to lean against the kitchen entrance.
Nanase didn't turn, but he nodded.
"They're good," Sousuke admitted, despite himself.
"Thank you."
The Nanase Sousuke had known before would have shrugged, would have muttered something about not caring what people thought of them.
"What happened in Australia?"
Nanase wanted to know how Rin was, and Sousuke would probably tell him, but first, first he needed to know. Rin had never talked about it, had shown up for Nationals with a grim expression but he'd roused himself, been the captain Samezuka needed and the team swam well, Rin broke records, and he never mentioned Nanase again, never looked in his direction, barely spoke to Makoto when he hugged him in congratulations in the lockers.
Nanase's back was stiff, but he had to know this was coming, had to know that Sousuke would ask, finally.
"We raced."
Of course they did. Sousuke rolled his eyes, even though Nanase couldn't see. Of course they raced. It seemed to be the only way Rin could get Nanase to stay in one place, to stop yelling at him, to be with him.
"And?" Sousuke prompted when it was clear Nanase wouldn't continue.
"And I lost. He won. Over and over again. We swam until we could hardly breathe."
"You weren't trying," Sousuke guessed.
Nanase hung his head, exposing the pale nape of his neck.
"What was the point? I can't swim for Rin. I can't beat him or he leaves me. I can't lose to him or he leaves me."
Sousuke drew in a breath.
"I can't swim with Rin. All I ever do is drown."
"Nanase -"
"You know," he said and spun around, angry, and Sousuke was momentarily distracted by the bright green apron with fish swimming across it before Nanase spoke again, his voice bitter. "You know what it means to swim with him, to give up everything to swim with him again."
Sousuke nodded. He knew.
"It was worth it," he said again, meaning it just as much now as he had two years ago.
"You were the one who got to walk away," Nanase hissed. "You didn't have to watch Rin walk away from you."
"I did, when we were kids -"
"That doesn't mean anything. He left me all of the time," Nanase bit out. "I thought he - I thought he was like the water. If I loved him enough, he'd come back, just like the tide. But I couldn't do it, Sousuke. I couldn't keep drowning."
Nanase had tears in his eyes and Sousuke wanted to look away, had to, but Nanase spoke again.
"He wanted to race again, to show me what our future could be - to show me his future, Sousuke. I didn't need to race him to know he would always swim again, that I would always drown."
Fuck. Sousuke had known, had imagined there was something between them, more than friendship but probably not the kind of relationship Rin now had with Koki. He'd never thought Nanase felt like this, could feel this deeply, and the raw pain in his eyes was too much. Sousuke shouldn't have followed him, shouldn't have come here.
Should have just walked away, should have left him.
He swallowed hard. Left him like everyone else had, it seemed.
The fish - because of course Nanase was cooking fish - started to burn.
"The food -" Sousuke pointed and Nanase turned back, rubbed angrily at his eyes and shoved the pan away from the burner, turned it off and stood there, breathing heavily.
"Nanase - Haru," Sousuke said and he saw his shoulders tense again. "He's happy."
Nanase nodded, and he made a sound that Sousuke didn't want to hear, the kind of sound Sousuke had made, once, while sitting in the shower and clutching his shoulder and he hadn't thought it was him, hadn't thought he was capable of sounding so pathetic.
"Good. He deserves to be."
He shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be feeling this way about Nanase, shouldn't care about his pain or notice how tightly he was clutching the spatula or the way his voice didn't sound right, the way it was rough like sandpaper and it grated over Sousuke's skin.
"Haru."
Nanase didn't turn, but a tremor went through his body and Sousuke stepped into the kitchen, turned Nanase to face him and there were tears on Nanase's face and it made Sousuke think of a race, think of water dripping down when he surfaced and this wasn't that. This wasn't that moment of triumph at the end, completion, satisfaction, joy. These were tears. This was desperation.
He took the spatula from Nanase's hand and set it on the counter.
"Haru," he said again and he wondered at his own voice, at the way Nanase's name sounded when he wasn't angry, when he wasn't saying it between gritted teeth and fighting down frustration.
And then Nanase was kissing him, arms around his shoulders and body pressing his backwards and Sousuke lost his balance and they fell, landing half in the kitchen, half in the other room, the floor solid and unforgiving and Nanase had lost weight, since he stopped swimming, but he was still lean, still muscled and he was still heavy.
But somehow Sousuke didn't care. Somehow the only thing he registered was the fact that the damned apron was in the way and he tugged at the ties impatiently, pushing Nanase away to rip it off and then pulling him back, letting Nanase settle his weight on Sousuke's body and his mouth against his and his tongue deep in his mouth, searching, desperate and needy.
Nanase's hands found his belt, tugged at it impatiently, single-mindedly and it made Sousuke think of the way Nanase always did that, always just saw one thing, and maybe that was why they were here now, maybe that was why Nanase thought he would drown, because he had never been able to see past it - had never been able to see past the race, to see what Rin really wanted, what he really needed.
Nanase's hands were cold, but they were smooth and firm and they wrapped around Sousuke's cock and tugged, stroking the shaft, the head and his balls until Sousuke was erect and gasping into Nanase's mouth.
Sousuke rolled them then, pulled away from Nanase's hands and did some of his own tugging, pushing up Nanase's shirt and pulling down his pants and his boxers and his body was still beautiful, still powerful even if it was too thin and he had a tattoo now, a school of fish on the right side of his body that looked like one of the drawings on the wall and Sousuke wondered at that. He had never thought Nanase was the type for tattoos - but then again, he had never really known Nanase, had he?
Nanase was quiet, just small puffs, panting desperately as Sousuke rubbed his cock and then licked it, laving at the head before he bobbed his head down and swallowed him.
Nanase's hips jerked rhythmically and Sousuke could see his fingers curled into fists, nails digging into his own skin and it filled Sousuke with a sadness that left him slightly breathless and he had to pull away, had to sit back on his heels and look at Nanase's naked body, at his tear bright eyes.
"You aren't going to drown," he said, had to say and Nanase's breath caught.
They stared at each other, and then Nanase was sitting up, was trying to stand and pull at his own clothes but Sousuke caught him and pulled him back down. Nanase landed in his lap, a little awkwardly, and his breathing was shallow and unsteady.
"Rin would never have let you drown, Haru," Sousuke had to say. Because maybe Rin could have that same kind of single-mindedness that Nanase had, maybe Rin could be blinded sometimes and he focused so much on winning, on his team and the pool - but he cared. Oh, he cared so much and Sousuke had seen how much Nanase had hurt him, had seen how much Rin wanted to cheer for Iwatobi at nationals and he'd heard his shuddery breath when Nanase's name was called and he stepped up to the podium. Rin would not have let him drown.
Nanase stared at him and Sousuke saw him swallow, watched his throat work as he fought back tears and words.
"Come with me tomorrow. Watch him with me."
Nanase lowered his head, and Sousuke could actually feel him retreating.
"Haru. Please."
He nodded, not looking up, and Sousuke let him rise, let him climb off his lap and put his clothes back on.
He didn't know if he should apologize, didn't know if he should go or -
"His race is early in the morning. You might as well stay the night," Nanase said. "No need to take the train."
Sousuke stared at him, wondered how he knew - why he knew - but he didn't ask.
Instead, he stood up and sorted his own clothes and watched Nanase try to salvage the fish.
It certainly wasn't the best meal Sousuke had ever had, certainly wasn't a meal he had ever imagined having, but he helped Nanase wash the dishes and later, they lay side by side in bed and he could feel Nanase's hand near his.
He reached out, laced their fingers together.
"I won't let you drown either."
-o-