You Don't Love Me
Law hates closed spaces. It makes him feel like he's drowning, losing air, losing everything. He wonders if he's ever told Strawhat and he thinks he hasn't. It's hard to recall when the younger captain's round eyes are trying to pierce through him. The boy looks annoyed. And worried. And unmovable. There's just the two of them in the room that Luffy had managed to drag him into without any effort to be subtle as soon as Law told him "You don't love me."
Now it feels like he's crowding into Law's space despite being a good distance away from him. But that's just how Luffy is, ever present and intense even when he's just standing there and staring at Law. Strawhat's unspoken words are suffocating him. Law decides he should say something first to catch a breath, to get a head start. He needs to dictate the pace now or he will never get the chance to.
"You don't love me, Strawhat-ya. You love... This." Law waves a hand, gesturing to the two of them and the space between them like it meant something,"You love this. All of this. The feeling of this... This thing we're doing. Whatever all of this is."
Luffy glares at him. He looks more hurt than angry, but Law keeps on talking before the rumbling of his heart tugs at him to stop. He needs to keep at this pace or Strawhat will steal it as soon as he opens his mouth to say something.
"You only like it because it makes you feel good and you're fine as long as you have it. But you can have it with anyone. It doesn't have to be me. You can't tell the difference between loving the feeling and loving the person. I can't..."
Law looks away. He doesn't want to see the expression of Luffy's face when he says it.
"I can't stay with you. I can't be this while you're being that. And I just..."
"I know the difference." Luffy finally says without moving.
"You don't."
"I do." Strawhat spits out immediately, surely, "You just think I'm stupid and superficial and inexperienced so you're assuming I don't."
Law feels himself gnashing his teeth under his sealed lips that he forces open to give a response.
"That's not it." He tries to sound resolved.
"That is it." Strawhat's voice is more solid.
"It's not, I tell you." Law finally looks at his allied captain and notices he's taken a step or two closer, "It's you being too carefree and selfish for me to handle and... You..."
"I care about how you feel, Torao. Law." There's something about Luffy correcting himself that makes the older captain fidget but let the younger talk, "You're just expecting me to react a certain way according to how you think is right or..." Luffy takes a short breath, maybe to think. No, Strawhat never thinks. "And when I don't, it's wrong, somehow." He takes another step towards Law. "To you, at least."
The Hearts captain doesn't respond. His subconscious feels a wall behind him although he's a good distance away from it yet. Strawhat seems to be a more pressuring force than any wall.
"Do you want me to change, Torao? Law?"
Law's asked himself that question. He knows the answer.
"I don't."
He really doesn't. He's really fine with how Strawhat is like an insatiable maelstrom. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with Strawhat?
"Then what do you want?"
He's asked himself this question, too. It's not about what he wants, though. It's about what he doesn't want—vulnerability.
"I... I just..." Law hates feeling trapped, "I can't stay, Luffy. You're too much."
Luffy takes sure steps forward.
"I can't stay."
Law insists as if words could stop the smaller pirate advancing towards him. What a ridiculous thought. Nothing stops Luffy when he's decided. As long as he can move, nothing stops him. His long slender legs back away from Luffy until his back hits the wall he's been trying to feel since a while ago. There's some sense of relief feeling the wall, knowing it's there, no longer worrying if he's going to hit it any time soon.
"I can't stay."
The boy is so close. Their chests are almost perfectly meeting had it not been for their height difference. It's odd being "stared down" by someone smaller than him, but Strawhat's just like that. Heavy. Strong. Hard. And it suffocates Law in a way he's not ready to face because he feels weak whenever he tries. He feels like succumbing to the idea of clinging onto the glowing strength Luffy emanates. To just give up, give in, let this person hold him and take care of him and—And he's not ready for that, to give himself up so openly after being so careful and guarded his entire life. It's a little too much to think of, a little too much to ask.
Luffy's eyes stare deep into Law's and the taller man fears getting lost if he stares back so he closes his eyes. He feels more of Strawhat's breathing this way, though—the rising and falling of his chest, and the warmth against Law's skin. Law feels fingers stroking his cheek slightly. They're gentle, soothing, and coaxing. It's like Strawhat's never held him before.
No.
"Stop."
One syllable. It sounds like a creak without any weight behind it to put up a fight against Strawhat trying to barge in with his fuckton of feelings. Law wants to give up, but he's built a wall too great to let Strawhat break it. He doesn't want to build it again.
"Stop."
His own voice sounds like a faint echo and Law feels himself crumbling as he resists leaning into the younger captain's touch. He can hear himself taking short breaths and for a moment he thinks he's sobbing except he's not.
"Strawhat." Law opens his eyes slowly, "Stop."
"You stop." Strawhat leans forward so their noses are touching, "Close your eyes and just feel me here, okay? Just..."
The gap between their lips close firmly and Law feels like he's melting, oozing into Strawhat's persona as if being drawn by all his welcoming warmth. His traitorous body lets out a moan, not even trying to take over the kiss because he can't find a heavy enough reason for it. He can't tear himself off this young chaos incarnate. He doesn't want to? But he can't stay. He's here to tell him he can't stay.
"Luffy."
The name slips out of his lips in the short moment that Strawhat draws away but only so he can tilt his head and find the right angle to gently kiss the mind out of Law. He likes it, almost needs it. God, Law loves it so much so that it's scary. He turns his head to one side, breaking the kiss.
He should say it again. He should say he can't stay.
"Luffy, stop."
"Stop thinking, Torao. Law." the younger captain whispers in his ear and how he feels like a bigger person than Law remains a mystery that gets lost in the low sound of his murmurs, "Stop thinking of anything." Strawhat starts kissing along his jaw and trails down his neck, "Just think of no one and nothing else but me. Us."
That's the opposite of what Law has been trying to do. He's actually trying to will back the harshest of his memories. The White Town. His family. Cora-san. Nothing came up, though, except for a part where he can hear Corazon say something about him being free. Everything else is Strawhat. Calling back terrible memories is almost impossible next to this young man.
"Luffy." Law tilts his head as Luffy nips down his neck ever so gently, gentler than Law thought he can be.
"I know what I'm doing."
No. Luffy never knows what he's doing. He just does things the way he think it might work and that much risk is just scary. Law hates uncertainty. He hates being unprepared. He hates spontaneity without calculation. He should hate Strawhat with all his guts.
"Luffy."
But he doesn't.
"I love you, Law." Luffy gasps between kisses, his mouth open, his breath hot and steamy, "I love you. I love you. You, Law. You."
The Hearts captain isn't sure how to respond to how Strawhat keeps on talking like he can't say it enough. Outright honesty is something foreign to Law. Or maybe he's forgotten. The lips against Law's skin severs every ability to think as he feels frozen against the palms sliding down from his jaw, to his neck, to his chest, and down his sides.
"I don't love you because of this." Strawhat says beneath his breath, "I do this because I love you. Listen to me."
"I am listening."
He is but he feels drunk.
"I can't... I don't..." Luffy's whispering into Law's mouth like he could kiss him again any minute in the middle of the sentence. His rubber hands ball into fists against the front of Law's button up shirt, "It hurts when you say I don't love you because I do and I try to let you know and I'm a horrible shit with words, maybe. But I try. In what way I can. And I'm thinking... Just... Maybe... It's you who..."
The younger pirate pauses. Law takes a deep breath and it takes what feels like forever before Strawhat says anything. It's like he's never going to finish that sentence.
"It's me who's what?"
Luffy presses his head against Law's chest, the hesitation too apparent.
"It's you who doesn't... Don't..." Strawhat mutters and places a kiss on Law's exposed skin, "Do you still love me?"
And for the first time in this conversation, Law has no particular answer except for some sort of warmth trying to erupt from his chest. It's stuck in his throat so it's difficult to swallow and he makes-do with licking his suddenly dry lips. He suddenly misses Strawhat's mouth over his as he takes a deep breath, the question echoing in his head. He says "still". Why is he even asking? Hasn't it been obvious? Strawhat thinks that maybe Law doesn't love him anymore? It's the most preposterous thing ever.
"Strawhat." Law manages to say, taking more strength than it usually does to lift his hand and put it on Luffy's head. The feeling of his hair against his fingers is relaxing and refreshing.
Is this what he's trying to leave?
"I love you so much, it's frightening me."
"Law." Luffy's rubber arms tighten around his waist, rubbing his face against the man's tattooed chest and Law thinks he's never heard his name sound so laced with gratefulness and relief before, "I'll love you back so much, you'll have nothing to fear. I'll protect you from now on, Law. I'll protect you. Everything about you. As long as it's you. I can't cook for you or wash your clothes or fix your shoes or trim your hair but I'll be here. I'll love you. Love you. Really love you."
Luffy swallows hard. He takes a deep breath. His fingers clench into fists. Law thinks he can't breathe.
"Don't take this away from me."
There's a crack in his voice. There's a crack in this wall.
"Don't leave."
"Luffy." Law embraces him back. He keeps talking.
"Don't leave me."
In an instant Law feels stupid that he actually thought of leaving this little ball of sunshine. He's going to make Luffy cry. He's stupid. Trafalgar D. Water Law is so fucking stupid.
"I'm sorry, Luffy. I just... I didn't—"
"I'll try." Luffy continues saying into Law's chest like he's heard nothing, "I'll try so you won't be impatient with me anymore. So you won't wonder. So you won't ask. So you won't be scared. So you'll never, ever, ever think I don't love you."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"
"I can't promise to follow your plans all the time. I can't promise to think. I can't promise to deal with things beforehand. But... But I'll love you. Even if you're the only person capable of hurting me like this, I'll… Just trust me. Let me love you."
"Okay. Okay, Luffy. I understand now." Law hugs him tighter because that feels like the only thing he can do after Luffy's words coming at him like an angry battering ram. And it's his fault. It's him who doesn't want to let Strawhat in. It's him who doesn't know how to accept love, how to deal with it, how to just let go. It's him. But it's Strawhat who has to ask for trust after all this god damn time, after all he's done. Strawhat has to ask. To let him love Law. Law's an ungrateful little fuck and he should just go die in a hole. He doesn't deserve Luffy. God, heavens, no, he doesn't.
Law isn't sure if he can hug Luffy any more tighter than this but he tries if it's going to help prove his point. He's forgotten how to properly express honesty. He's not sure how to be as honest as Strawhat.
Law swallows. His throat is dry.
I trust you.
Say it.
"Stay." Luffy presses himself against Law like he's going to disappear, "Stay."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Love me."
"I do. I love you. I do. I really do. I love you, Luffy. I love you."
"Law."
It's like he's run out of things to say or ask.
"Luffy." Law nuzzles Luffy's hair. He takes a deep breath and puts a long kiss on the smaller captain's forehead, "You don't have to say anything anymore."
Strawhat's going to cry, you stupid fuck. SAY IT. Say it or go die in a hole!
"I trust you."
There's a choke, then a sob.
It's Law who cries.
AN: I don't know why I wrote this.