A/N: Hey there! Welcome to my first Fullmetal Alchemist story! I was writing another FMA one shot, much more dramatic and h/c, but realized that I needed more practice with these characters in order to get the right feeling for them. This is my attempt of capturing their characterizations (well, mostly Roy) and their dynamics. I'm curious to hear what you think of it. Humour isn't usually my strong suit I have to admit, but with Roy and Ed it seems to come naturally.

I've been writing in another fandom for such a long time that I'm kind of nervous for delving into a new one :D Unfortunately, I don't have a FMA beta yet since I don't know anybody in the fandom, so please excuse any mistakes. I'm not an English native speaker, but I appreciate corrections and suggestions for improvement. And now, enjoy!

OCCAM'S RAZOR

It wasn't the first time Roy regretted his regular lunch dates with Maes Hughes. So when Hughes had swept into his office at noon, pathetically crying that "THEY GROW UP SO FAST, ROY!", he hadn't even looked up. Maes, being the blubbering mess he was, had dramatically leaned over his desk and pulled at his own hair with his hands.

It had taken Roy a few minutes and many half-hearted "Yeah, sure. Really cute"s until he found out that Maes wasn't talking about Elicia.

"You don't understand, you weren't there," Maes sniffled into his handkerchief, shaking his head slowly.

"Uh-huh."

Maes clutched a camera in his hand, probably the one he had actually had at his disposal for work but used for making pictures of his daughter throughout. "They grow up so fast. One blink and suddenly they are adults."

"Hn. Yeah." That report in front of him was important, maybe he could go through it before going out for lunch…

"We have to make more pictures of him. No one else does."

"Sure, so cute," Roy agreed, trying to read through the passages of military law and therefore needing a moment too long until he noticed the wrong pronoun. "What?"

"I said," Maes repeated, rolling his eyes at Roy's inability to understand. "We need more pictures of him, since no one else is taking any anymore."

"He?" Roy had admittedly tuned out a lot of Maes' waxing over the last few years, but he was still pretty sure that his friend hadn't fathered any children after Elicia (yet). Then it hit him. There was only one boy in their vicinity his friend might mean. "Are you talking about Edward?"

"Of course I am!" Hughes cried, gripping the fabric over his heart in a bout of passion. There were twinkling stars in his eyes - Maes spent too much time around Armstrong. "I was so blind! He's already grown up."

Roy, still confused, couldn't let that slide - the constant, annoying arguing with Fullmetal had ingrained that like a knee-reflex. "He didn't grow that much."

Hughes didn't comment on the fact that Roy obviously hadn't listened. Rather, he sighed dramatically, but a small, wistful smile appeared on his lips. "His beard did, though."

Half an hour later, thus, when Roy was picking at his food listlessly, he was moody because there was so much work waiting for him on his desk. Nothing else. Maes kept babbling about how Edward had called him only hours later, how it really wasn't just a bit of fuzz but a real, dense stubble, and how the boy had actually been quiet while he carefully copied Hughes' gestures.

Roy was completely indifferent. Who even cared about Fullmetal growing a beard? Maes probably exaggerated anyway, since the shrimp was so small that even the shortest stubble might be long enough for him to step on it. Heh. Roy definitely had to save that one for later.

"Okay Roy, speak up," Maes suddenly sighed and put his fork aside. "Do you want me to apologize or what?"

Roy blinked at him, surprised.

"I thought about sending him to you, but I've never seen him so shy before."

Roy cut him short with a quick movement of his hand. "Don't be silly. Of course he asked you for advice."

Maes was the Dad, after all. Hopelessly dedicated to his family and outspokenly loving his daughter, the epitome of a Father Figure, and the only one in their small circle of acquaintances. And he wore a beard. Of course Ed thought about him first.

… huh?

Mustang furrowed his brow at his own strange thought. What weird reasoning. And why the hell was he even trying to find reasons for Ed's choice?

"It really doesn't bother you at all that he came to me instead of you?" A small muscle in Maes' cheekbone twitched, which only happened when he was trying not to grin. A shiver went up Roy's spine – they knew each other too well. That happened when you go through war together. But sometimes, Maes knew him better than Roy knew himself. And usually, in the moments of Hughes' clairvoyance, he was grinning the exact grin he tried to hide now.

"No," Roy said quickly, therefore, nipping this conversation in the bud, "I don't care."

A dangerous gleaming appeared in Maes eyes. "That's good. I was afraid you might be jealous. Shaving for the first time is such an iconic moment in a father-son-relationship…."

He started to prattle on about parenting again, so Roy thought it safe to turn him out. Jealous? Him? Pah. Mustang wasn't jealous that Ed turned for help to Hughes instead of to him. Not even a little bit.

True, over the years, a special bond was created between him and the Elric brothers, and especially with Edward. He was his youngest subordinate, after all, and needed special supervision. The countless reports and complaints in his file cabinets told a very clear story about Ed's inability to take proper care of himself and his surroundings. There was a reason behind Roy's generosity of paying for Al's travels as well – with Al nearby, there was somebody around who could at least drag Ed to a hospital quickly enough once he had managed to let another building drop on top of him again.

Thinking about all the grey hair that had appeared ever since Fullmetal had waltzed into his life told a certain tale: He had grown to care for Ed, just like he had grown to care for Breda, Havoc and the rest of his team.

He had been sure that these feelings were mutual. They weren't very vocal in their affection, but Roy was sure that Ed didn't hate him as much as he led on. The boy wasn't that good of an actor, every move he made around the Rockbell girl was proof of that.

Thinking about Winry – the girl was coming to Central for a visit over a long week-end. Fullmetal had even been granted two days off. Though officially she was here for maintenance work on Fullmetal's automail leg, which made the military pay her travel expenses, Hughes, Gracia and the Elrics were already excited and thrilled to see her again. Roy grinned, suddenly, getting an inkling about Edward's uncharacteristic plea for help about his appearance.

His subordinates were running bets about the future of Winry and Ed, ranking from 'never ever' (Breda, Falman), to 'they are already a secret couple' (Havoc, Brosh, Armstrong) to 'she'll kill him first' (Fuery, Hawkeye, Ross). Roy hadn't participated officially, though his thoughts were firmly set on 'they'll get together as soon as Al has his body back, if I don't kill Fullmetal first' (Mustang, Hughes). They'd be a cute couple, for sure…

Roy smiled, nostalgically. The first girlfriend… Roy remembered standing hours in front of the mirror before picking up his first date, trying to fix his hair to look 'cool'.

"So," he interrupted Hughes' sobbing about… ugh.. Elicia? Ed? A random kid he saw last week at the playground? "I hope you warned him not to transmute the aftershave himself?"

The next day found Roy in a piss-poor mood. He hadn't slept well – unfortunately, he couldn't blame bad food or work-related topics. He had been 100-percent sure that the fact that Edward had asked Hughes for advice and not him didn't bother him. It had been easy to uphold with work to distract him. But at home, when he couldn't fall asleep, his thoughts had returned to the fact that Edward has asked Hughes for advice and not him.

Hughes!

That undersized, ungrateful brat.

This wasn't about parenting (he told himself repeatedly), this was about mutual respect and gratefulness. Roy was Ed's commanding officer, he had brought the Elrics to the military and away from a life of misery (he told himself repeatedly). Edward didn't have any other male adult who looked regularly after him but Roy. Ergo he should have asked him first.

At some point, Roy had even thrown away his blankets in the middle of the night and stomped into the bathroom, examining his chin in the mirror. No, there were no spots. He was perfectly clean shaven, no cuts, no left over hair, no razor sores. In comparison to Maes, who was shaving so sloppily, pah.

Staring at Maes now, Roy, back behind his desk with rings under his eyes that were almost as big as Fullmetal, couldn't help but sneer a little bit. That idiot shaved maybe once a week. Fullmetal really knew nothing on the topic.

Hughes, who was back for lunch, had noticed Roy's mood quickly and resigned himself to quietly leafing through some book. He ignored the stare that was latched to his back pointedly, though there was that small, twitching muscle in his jaw again. It made Roy even more furious.

It really was too bad that they were indeed waiting for the Elrics to drop by. Edward had to hand in his report before going off with Al and Winry, and since news about the office's teenager's beard had spread immediately, Hawkeye had made sure that the boy would submit it personally.

A pair of heavy footsteps were becoming audible just then, and seconds later, another pair of uneven ones. A high, female voice accompanied them, and to Roy's dismay was coming closer. He heard a polite knock on the office door and Hawkeye's soft voice inviting them in. Seconds later, the door to his private office was thrown open with Fullmetal's usual I-don't-fucking-care-attitude, and he stomped into Mustang's office without waiting for admission.

"Yo," he said simply as he walked closer, a few crumpled sheets in his left hand.

Roy's gaze turned immediately to Edward's chin. Clean shaven, no stubble of fuzz detectable. Well, his growth of beard was probably still slow.

"What are you staring at, Colonel Bastard?" Irritated, Ed's eyes moved to Maes, who was waving at him casually. He smiled a little bit as a greeting.

That totally was it.

Roy swallowed a biting comment on Ed's size (which he had never done before and it felt wrong) and took a deep breath that he exhaled through his nose slowly. Edward didn't know better. He had no experience with a real father-son relationship, with his own father walking out of him so many years ago. Of course he turned to Hughes, the father that actually stayed with his kid, in such a critical moment … it was the next best choice, even though Roy, growing up in military academy and therefore surrounded by boys of all ages, knew a thing or two about teaching youngsters.

Fullmetal was his protégé and didn't know any better. He had to be patient, and wise, and kind. That was what the boy needed, not Maes' sloppy ways of doing things.

Therefore, Mustang got to his feet, rounded his table in a swift movement, and ended up standing right in front of Edward in the matter of two seconds. "Is that a razor sore?" he asked, gently, zooming in on a small, reddish spot on Fullmetal's left cheek.

Edward had taken half a step back in surprise, and looked up at him in a mixture of confusion and irritation. "Are you already losing your faculties, old man?" He asked saucily and pushed his report against Mustang's chest in order to get rid of it and keep distance between them.

Hughes appeared next to them and ruthlessly grabbed the protesting boy's chin to examine it. "Yeah, that definitely is a razor sore."

"Hey!" Ed called, indignantly.

Roy sighed patiently and dropped both hands, one still holding onto the crumpled sheets of the report, onto Ed's shoulders. "Edward," he started in a calm, measured voice he had trained for emergency situations, "growing up means your body changes and even if that process is slow in your case, you don't need to feel embarrassed."

In the background, he dimly noticed Al and Winry's heads appearing nosily in the doorway, but he was much more focused on Edward, who had gone red in the matter of seconds and started to stammer. There were only a few seconds until he'd explode and start screaming about Roy's comment about his size, so he needed to be quick.

"What I'm trying to say is," he hurried therefore, gripping the boy's shoulders more firmly and giving him one gentle shake, "you can always turn to me for advice, whether it's about shaving or other growing-up issues."

"Brother! You need to shave?" Al's metallic, high-pitched voice was suddenly close. Edward was pulled out of Roy's hands when two large, leathered gloves twisted him around. "What does it feel like?"

Winry was there too, grinning from ear to ear as she leaned close, very close, to Edward's face. For a split second, he turned to Roy with a pleading look in his purple face, but then Hughes' voice piped up again.

"You know what, that sore was from before he asked me, when he still used his transmuted automail!"

The change in the room's atmosphere was immediate. Winry changed from a sweet, curious girl into a harpy quicker than Roy could comment. "What the hell does he mean with 'transmuted automail?!'"

Al had still not gotten over the fact that Edward grew a beard. "What colour does it have? Does it look like Dad's?"

"No! Al, it's not - Winraargh!"

"I stayed awake for three nights to make sure your arm is fine and you –"

As Fullmetal tried not to get choked by the girl he liked and Al jumping excitedly up and down in the office and making the ground shake, more faces of his subordinates appeared in the doorway.

Roy, a little bit overwhelmed by the escalating situation, shrugged and turned to Hughes. "You gave him a razor, right? That blade is way too big and sharp."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL A RAZOR MIGHT SERVE AS A GUILLOTINE!?"

"Brother, maybe people will take you more seriously with a beard!"

Maes only nodded, and calmly they watched the chaos unfold.

"You are transmuting my work?! Do you know how long I needed to just assemble—"

"Does it hurt, brother? Or is it itchy?"

"Edward Elric, I heard the news and came as quickly as I could."

"GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!"

"What kind of an idiot would even think about shaving with a dirty piece of metal –"

"THE ART OF SHAVING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FOR GENERATIONS—"

In the end, two shots out of Hawkeye's gun had quickly emptied the office. The screaming pulp of people moved through the door quickly, not really tuning down in volume. The last thing Roy saw of Fullmetal in the middle of the mountain of bodies trying to get to him, was a shocked, mortified expression aimed at Roy.

The sudden silence was only interrupted by Hawkeye bowing down in order to pick up the rumpled pages of Edward's forgotten report. Roy, still standing in the same spot, wordlessly stared at the door the teenagers had just waltzed through, and wondered how quickly that situation had grown out of hand.

Was that what parenting was always like? He hadn't meant to make Edward that uncomfortable or to involve his friends. Everything had backfired somehow.

"Oh my God, Roy. You're such a wonderful father!"

"Shut up, Hughes," Roy snapped, glaring at the door that had just fallen shut and angrily swiping some hair from his forehead. "Now's not the time for sarcasm."

He turned to Maes, only to find him staring at him with big, watery eyes and a handkerchief pressed to his mouth, sniffling. "What are you talking about?" There was a little bit of awe in his friend's voice as he gestured to the door hastily. "You just embarrassed your teenager in front of his friends. You can't get more Dad than that!"

Roy blinked, then a sly smile spread over his face. Hughes was right. Maybe he hadn't taken enough any fotos, but he was definitely fit for embarrassing Ed and some Dad jokes.

A few days later, when Hawkeye had made Roy working late again in order to handle the mess of paper work the week-end had brought them, the shrill ringing of the telephone startled him out of his (totally earned) nap.

"Mustang," he barked into the receiver grumpily, as he drowsily looked around his office for any prying eyes. Since he always slept with a pen in his hands in his office in case Hawkeye came in, his arm was already faking the movements of his signature.

No one was here. He relaxed, slightly.

'Colonel?' A well-known voice asked. 'Man, you really don't have a life, do you?'

Roy raised a curious eyebrow. "Fullmetal, what is it?"

Any call from the Elrics usually meant bad news. Whether they needed more money asap, or informed him about a corrupt head of office or another collapsed building, it was always bad. Ed didn't call for small talk, and Al only called when there was an emergency concerning Edward's health.

When Fullmetal didn't speak for several seconds, Roy's mind was full with possibilities that all spelled out overtime. Worry grew in his chest.

'I, uhm,' Fullmetal stuttered, 'you said I could ask you for advice for… stuff.'

The other eyebrow joined the first, and a fat grin stretched over Roy's face. He knew had chosen the right words. "Of course, Fullmetal."

He could practically hear Edward squirming over the phone. Asking for help wasn't exactly Ed's strong suit and teenager awkwardness was especially hard to overcome. 'It's kinda… it's about Winry.'

Roy balled his free hand to a fist and raised it into the air. Take that, Maes! Maybe the boy had more sense than he'd thought, he definitely came to the right person with girl troubles. Man, Hughes was going to explode with envy when he told him tomorrow! "Go ahead."

'So I'm in front of the store now, and I need to buy her something. 'Cuz she's leaving very early tomorrow.'

Flowers, you idiot! He thought fiercely but managed to swallow it down. Edward needed to know that he listened and took his issues seriously. There was a small romantic in that tough and violent shell, Mustang thought and noticed a warm patch blossoming in his chest, waiting for the last night together to make his move…

'She's feeling lousy, and I don't know which size to get!'

A batch of ice landed in Roy's stomach along with a bad premonition. "What?"

'How do I know which size she needs? I can't really ask her, can I? It's strongest on the first day, right?'

Roy never face-palmed so hard before in his whole life. He needed to call Gracia, right now.

-the end-

review, pls!