The salty tears dripped one by one onto your bare legs as you sat with your back against the bathroom door with your knees pulled tightly towards your chest. Your parents aren't home but this bathroom had somehow become your sanctuary over the last few years. A quiet place to cry, free from people and drama. The lock on the door allowed you to cry without any interruption of parents or siblings. It was just you, the dark thoughts in your head with the cold and white bathroom tiles.
The bath had been running for some time now and the steam circled the air. The bathroom became stuffy and it became increasingly difficult to breathe. Everything was numb and all you wanted to do was grab a blade from the small silver box that was hidden underneath the bathtub and make a few deep cuts on your arm to relief the numbing sensation for a little while, even if it was only for a mere second.
You tried to fight the numbness by crying but the more you cried, the more you hungered for the sharp feel of physical pain. Your heart began to feel heavier and heavier and you felt worse than before. Before you knew it, the sharpest blade from the box was in your hand and you had already made 4 deep cuts on your left arm. After a while, your lower wrist was completely covered in deep cuts and there was blood… everywhere. Standing up to look for your bandages in the first aid box, you realise there is none left so toilet paper would have to make do until your next shopping trip. That's if, you were actually alive to make it to your next shopping trip.
Everything was just so hopeless and you began to question whether you wanted to live anymore. You needed to get out and clear your head, plus you didn't realise how deep you'd actually cut and you desperately needed bandages. It wasn't normal to feel like this all the time.
…
You grabbed your purse and tried to make it out the door before your parents got home. Your face was too red and puffy to hide the fact you were crying and the weather was too wet and stuffy to blame it on the hayfever. Getting away from the house wasn't an option.
You decided the take the long route; past the field with many trees and green grass. With your favourite music playing through your earphones and the drizzly weather, you began to feel calmer as you walked to your destination but the stinging wetness on your left arm reminded you that you were not content. You were not ok, but you kept going anyway. The rain became heavier but you didn't care. There was not one person in that London street you were in that was dry. Everyone looked like drowned rats.
Finally, you arrived at the store you needed. The isles were practically empty and there were a few elderly ladies here and there so it was easy not to look more conspicuous than you already were. Having a sore, red face and nose and dripping wet hair kind of gave my depressed state away. At the end of the third isle on the left, there they were. You picked up three boxes of roller bandages because you never really know when you might need them next. In your case, the probability was high. You also placed a bag of popcorn and some soda in your basket.
Shit.
In the distance, you see your parents at the checkout and one of them may have seen you. You duck and hide behind one of the shelves and watch as they pack their shopping into cheap plastic bags and gossip about the morning news with the cashier who happened to be one of mum's best friends. They seemed happier without you there.
After they left the store, you proceeded to pay for your shopping at the checkout and not at the one where your mum's best friend was. You avoided that checkout like the plague. As the cashier scanned your items, an overwhelming sense of fear patted you on the shoulder.
What if one of them had seen me? What would my excuse be? Just tell them the truth. No, I can't tell them I'm like this, they'll kick me out. What if they can help you? They can't.
''That will be £14.90 please.''
''Huh…what?'' You snap out of your negative thoughts.
''£14.40 please.''
''Oh… yes. Sorry.''
…
You rushed out of the store, breathing heavily as if you had run a marathon.
I know what I'll do. I'll run home and get there before my parents do. You thought to yourself.
Running wasn't your speciality but running with a bag of shopping made it worse. As you ran, you kept looking behind to see if anyone was following you. After two minutes of running, you looked behind but before you could look forward, you had run into someone and you had both fallen on the floor. Bandages, cans of soda and popcorn went flying in the air after the impact.
''Dude, watch where you're going!'' You shouted as you rushed to pick your shopping up off the floor. It was wet and muddy from the ground.
''Oh my god. I am so sorry!'' A deep voice stuttered.
Wait. I know that voice from somewhere…
You looked up to see a young man with pitch black hair, pale skin and bright blue eyes. He was slim and wore a dark purple shirt with a cartoon lion roaring in the middle.
''Can I help you up?'' He asked with his hand reached out to you but you ignored him and stared in wonderment.
It was AmazingPhil. The very guy who had helped you sleep last night after watching his 'Sleepless nights with Phil' Youtube videos. The guy you turned to when you needed it the most after a really long day. The adorable, random guy with a heart of gold. The guy who loves animals and all of his subscribers with all his heart. The guy your Tumblr is dedicated to and the guy on the wallpaper of your laptop. It was Phil Lester.
''Are you okay?'' He asked.
After a few moments of wonder, you blinked a few times to make sure you were awake and alive. He was really there. Phil Lester was stood right in front of you.
''Um..''
''Oh god, Phil! I'm so sorry… I didn't realise…Oh my god…'' You stuttered as you stood up and dust all the dirt off your clothes.
''You know my name.'' He laughed which made you blush and die inside.
''I didn't realise it was you at first. I'm so sorry.'' You began to tear up.
''Hey…it's okay!'' He smiled and put his arms around you and squeezed tight.
His hug made you feel so safe and you didn't want to let him go. He had helped you so much and now he had his arms wrapped around you when you were at your worst.
''Are you okay, though?'' He asked as he looked you deep in the eyes, causing you to tear up more.
''Y—h-yes I'm fi-fine…Really, I'm okay.'' You stuttered as you picked your stuff up off the floor. The plastic bag had ripped so you had to hold them.
''I'm so sorry I bumped you, Phil. I really…I really have to go.''
You began to sob as you walked away, trying to stuff the bandages into the pocket of your jacket but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back, making you wince slightly in pain. He grabbed the arm you had cut an hour or so ago which was still bleeding. Phil noticed you wince and he looked at his palm to see a blood stain.
After a slight pause, he looked at the bandages you hadn't yet stuffed into your pocket and his eyes widened when he realised what was wrong.
''Where are you going?'' He asked.
''Home.''
He put his hand out for you to hold, implicating that he's changing your plans of going home.
''Come with me. I'll take you to my flat and get that wrist sorted out. I know a thing or two about first aid and it looks like you're in need of it.'' He said.
You put your hand in his and he walked you to his flat in London. On the way, he asked you how long you'd been a fan and if you got Dan and his book yet and if you went to see them on tour. Holding his hand made you feel stronger. As if the comfort of his videos was coming to life. You didn't feel so numb anymore which was an odd feeling.
After walking up a few flights of stairs, you were there.
''Is Dan home?'' You asked.
''Yeah. How much do you want to bet he's in his browsing position at the moment?''
You laughed at the image in your head of Dan's triple chin whilst he browsed the net.
''Dan! I'm back!''
''Did you get the milk?'' Dan shouted back.
''Yeah, I didn't forget this time.''
''Ah, thank god. I can actually have cereal.''
Phil laughed as he locked the door behind him and led you up the steps and into his gaming room where you could have some privacy. Before that, you and Dan were introduced.
''Dan, I have a guest,'' Phil said quietly as he popped his head around the door in the lounge where Dan was sat.
''A guest?'' Dan's voice became blunt.
''Yeah… Long story, I'll tell you about it later. But, say hello.''
Dan stood up and walked towards the door and opened it fully to reveal you stood behind Phil.
''Hey…'' He waved awkwardly.
''Hi.'' You waved back more awkwardly.
''Big fan, actually…'' You added.
''Ah good!'' He put his arms out and you hugged him tight and he patted you on the shoulder.
''I need to talk with our guest'' Phil said as he took your hand.
''Going up to the gaming room…'' He added.
''Okay well er… As long as we can all hang out later on. I mean, Phil, there's only so much browsing you can do.''
Phil agreed and took me up another set of stairs into the gaming room and sat me on the sofa bed whilst taking your wet jacket off you. He put a fleece blanket with lions around you the scent of him stuck to your wet body. It was warm.
''Shall we?'' He asked as he reached in the back for a first aid kit and sat next to you.
You nodded whilst you felt the numbness overtake your body again. You didn't want Phil to see you like this, you didn't want him to see the mess you had made on your arms to cope. You teared up again and hid your face as you sobbed. He put his hand on your leg and gently stroked you with his thumb to comfort you.
''It's okay darling…'' He whispered as he hushed you gently.
He put his hand on your face and wiped the tears away with his thumb. As you looked into his bright blue eyes, they sparkled as he teared up too. He was so beautiful. This couldn't be real.
You showed your arm and he softly cleaned the wounds with an antiseptic wipe. It hurt but you bit your tongue and closed your eyes. After that, he put on a clean dressing and wrapped a bandage around the area of cuts and kissed it gently with his lips.
''There.''
''Thank you.''
''Don't thank me. It's no worries.''
You thanked him again and he wrapped his arms around you and rested his chin on your head as you lay your head against his chest. His arms were like a cage that protected you from the bad and made you feel safe from the world. You began to cry again and he just held you tighter and allowed you to cry.
''You're going to be okay.'' He promised whilst placing a kiss on the top of your head.
''But promise me one thing…'' He asked.
You parted with the hug and looked up, knowing what he was going to say and not quite sure if you could keep it.
''What's that?''
''You need to promise me that you'll try to stop hurting yourself because you have a life out there and you shouldn't be spending your younger years destroying yourself with a blade or any other object that you've used to self-harm.''
You looked down at your feet and wiped tears still dripping from your face.
''This helps me not kill myself.'' You sobbed.
''I know; it helps you feel something other than the sad thoughts and I understand that. But, you watch my videos right?''
You nodded silently.
''I will help you get through whatever it is you're going through. I will make my videos until everything's okay again. What you're going through is real and that's ok. We all go through stuff that makes our heads all fuzzy and sad and we all cope with it in different ways. I will help you cope. Even if that means I have to make a new video every week or every day. I wouldn't have got where I was if it wasn't for people like you so now it's my turn to help you. ''
He wrapped his arms around you again and let you cry some more. He held you tight and kept you away from the demons that attacked your mental state. He began to cry a little too.
After an hour or so of talking about life and thanking him and him trying to give you advice, Dan knocked on the door.
''Guys are you okay?'' He must have heard you both crying.
''Yeah, Dan. You can come in now.''
Dan opened the door with a tray of drinks.
''I wasn't sure if you liked orange juice?'' Dan said awkwardly as he placed the tray on Phil's lap.
''Yeah, orange juice is fine. Thank you.'' You sniffled slightly.
''Aw come here.'' He said and Dan wrapped his arms around you. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and turned it into a group hug. Everything felt okay again and the demons were no longer biting into your skull. The bad thoughts weren't there anymore.
''I don't know what's happened but you're going to be okay.'' Said Dan's muffled voice.
''So…'' Dan broke the ice and asked if you wanted to play a game on the Wii and you both said yes.
You spent that evening with Dan Howell and Phil Lester, playing on Wii games, watching anime, filming a video and laughing so hard your ribs began to hurt. For the first time in a very long time, you felt something other than depressed and numb. You felt alive.
So, I've been having a real tough time lately and Phil's videos have helped me alot. Therefore I wanted to make this to show what he's done for me. People suffer with a mental illness on a daily basis and they don't talk about it or ask for help. They turn to things to help them cope, like I did. But I found another way of coping. I love Dan but I love Phil Lester with all my heart. Thank you Phil.
If anyone needs help, I'm here for you. Stay safe and strong, darlings.