(I really recommend either during the death scene, or the letter parts, that you listen to Azmaria no Uta - Chrono Crusade OST)
The moment Sakura looked into her mentor's eyes she knew. She knew the news was not good, and that was enough to make Sakura stop in her tracks. The way the older woman's shoulders were slumped forward, her hand grasping the sake bottle so tightly it had a crack running down the middle. She wouldn't look Sakura in the eyes; her honey orbs were flicking about not staying on one spot to long.
Sakura slumped into the chair before her desk. Her eyes distant, unfocused as she silently processed what she knew was going to be said before it could even be spoken. Her hands grasped her pants in a tight grip as she willed the tears away, willed her body to not shake and show how much this was affecting her. She had to be strong. She had to stay focused on the now instead of knowing what was awaiting her in the future.
A sigh escaped her lips as she ran a shaking hand through her pink hair. "So it's true then?" Her voice was barely above a whisper, scared that if she spoke any louder her voice would crack and she would dissolve into a puddle of tears. She couldn't afford to do that. She had to be strong, not only for herself but for her team mates as well. They had just gotten Sasuke back, and now it seems that no matter what they do, their team would never be whole and fine like they wish it so.
Tsunades gaze finally settled on her, the sake bottle in her grasp finally caving under her grip, the liquid splashing over her desk and onto the floor. "Yes." Her voice was hoarse, as if she had been screaming for hours. She closed her eyes tightly and brought a hand up to her face, ignoring the shards of clay imbedded in her palm.
Sakura took a deep breath to calm herself. She could scream and cry later in the solitude of her own apartment, not here in front of her teacher and leader. If she was going to keep this a secret, she might as well perfect her mask now instead of in front of her team mates who would be able to tell instantly.
"I understand." Standing Sakura turned her back on her mentor who had tears shining in her eyes. She has to be strong. She can't break down. "I will send in the details of what I want done when that time comes, but for now," Sakura turned her head to look at her mother figure and gave a smile that even Sai would be proud of. "Please don't tell anyone."
One of the strongest women in the world, the woman who could strike fear in even the greatest of enemies, the woman who could heal and kill with one touch, the woman who never showed much emotions that apposed anger suddenly lifted her hands to her face and cried as her daughter figure walked out her door. The pinkette was now bearing a weight on her shoulders than no woman her age should ever have to deal with, and it broke her heart.
For the third time in her long life, Tsunade has felt truly and utterly useless.
Sakura's face fell as the door closed behind her, the sound seeming to echo in the hallway that was vacant of any life fortunately. Her back slid down the wall opposite the door, her knees coming up to her chest and her arms wrapping around them tightly. With her head bent forward her hair shielded her expression of pain and hatred.
Everything she had ever worked for, how far she has come, it doesn't matter in the end. Her hands are completely useless, her abilities are worthless. It all wouldn't matter in the end, nothing would. Every new leap she managed to take to catch up with her team mates will just wither away and die, lost in the void called life.
Her brows furrowed and her eyes clenched shut tight. She could taste the blood in her mouth from her teeth biting into her lip to keep the sounds at bay. She couldn't stay sitting here, she needed to move! She has to stay strong, she can't be weak. Her team needs her. She's already failed herself, but that doesn't mean she will fail her team. She will be there for them for as long as she lives and that's all that matters.
Lifting her head Sakura slowly stands, a hand lands on the wall to steady herself. Her eyes pick up movement coming her way. She removes her hand from the wall and starts to walk forward, nodding to the gennin team who bowed to her before knocking on her teachers' door.
Walking outside Sakura took a deep breath before sealing everything up inside and putting up the face she knew she wouldn't have to wear for very long. Her team was more than likely at the ramen stand by now. She had missed training because of Tsunades request to see her. Sakura now wished she had just ignored the summoning and went to training.
Walking up to the stand she could already see four backs that she would recognize anywhere. Their mere presence filled up the tiny shop, making civilians weary about eating there. Sakura gave a soft sad smile, knowing they couldn't see her or the pain that flashed across her eyes, before putting her mask in place and taking the empty seat in between Naruto and Sasuke.
"Sakura chan!" Naruto looked at her with his usual beaming smile, eyes dancing with excitement and joy. "You won't guess what happened at practice today." From the corner of her eye she could see Sasuke's eyes narrow slightly. Sakura now knows that whatever made Naruto this happy, ended in Sasuke being humiliated. "I knocked teme on his ass! You should have seen the look on his face when I used a Thousand Years of Pain on him!" Naruto burst out into loud boisterous laughter and Sakura looked at her brooding team mate.
She raised an eyebrow. "He actually managed to get you with that? What were you doing? Looking at the clouds?"
His eyes narrowed further and glared at her. Sakura should honestly be used to it by now, but having that look directed at her every day, its caused a deep rooted sadness to well within her chest. Taking place and never letting go, only growing bigger every time that gaze met hers.
If I died, would you be sad?
The small whisper in her head caused wetness to appear in her eyes. Sakura quickly turned her head away from him, shielding her face from his gaze. She could feel her shoulders shaking slightly. After all these years she was still in love with this basterd of a man, and she hasn't an inkling of why.
"Ne ne Sakura chan! What did Baa chan want to see you for?" Naruto had finally stopped laughing and suddenly remembered why his pink haired team mate had missed his defeat of the Teme. Waiting for his question he realized that everyone was silent and looking at her. Taking a closer look he realized Sakura was hunched over the counter, her hands fisted and her hair hiding her face.
He placed a tanned hand on her shoulder softly before leaning in. "Sakura chan, is everything okay?"
When Sakura felt Naruto's warm large hand on her shoulder she knew she was going to break down soon. All the emotions she tried to keep hidden, all the information and the reality of her situation suddenly hit her with an intensity that she couldn't hide.
If I died, would it matter to you?
Sakura inhaled a shuddering breath. Naruto and Kakashi shared a worried glance before his blue gaze landed on Sasuke. The man was sitting rigid in his seat, his eyes on Sakura, but for once they weren't hard and glaring. He actually had a little bit of confusion shining through.
Suddenly Sakura lifted her head. Her eyes were dry as were her cheeks. There was no indication that she had been crying other than the slight redness around her eyes. Before anyone could speak, Sakura's hands lifted to make the teleportation jutsu, and she was gone.
"What was that about?" Sai's voice broke the silence and snapped everyone's gaze away from where Sakura had just been sitting.
Kakashi ran a hand through his hair before he let out a sigh. "I wonder." He didn't elaborate on what he wondered but that was to be expected. They weren't going to get anything from him until he actually had a real idea about what was going on.
Sasuke grunted before standing from his seat. Shoving his hands in his pockets he made his way out of the Ramen stand and into the street. He ignored the blonde who called after him in protest of his leaving, not caring that he hadn't paid for his bowl that sat untouched on the counter.
Sasuke still wasn't used to the relative safety of the village. His life as a missing nin engrained into him to always be alert, never be caught off guard. In a way to ensure that, he always keeps his Sharingan activated knowing that enemies wouldn't expect it.
But tonight, he really wished it wasn't active. If it hadn't been, he would be as oblivious as his other team mates. He doesn't do feelings; he doesn't want to get close to people. But the words he saw Sakura mouth unknowingly struck something in him that he hadn't felt in a long time. Fear.
He knew she didn't mean too, she was more than likely just thinking it and spoke them. But he knew the words weren't meant for anyone but himself, and the feelings they invoked irritated him.
"If I died, would you be sad? If I died, would it matter to you?" Sasuke spoke the words aloud, hoping that hearing them would solve the puzzle that Sakura Haruno unknowingly just shoved into his lap. Would he? Sasuke didn't know, and he honestly didn't really want to think about it.
If Sakura died-
Sasuke froze. At the sound of her name right alongside death made Sasuke's eyes narrow. He didn't like the sound of it. Not at all.
Sakura Haruno isn't allowed to die unless it's by his hand. Sasuke doesn't want to kill her, he just sees her as his, and nobody can take away what's his unless he lets go of it himself first. The only way he would let go of his pink haired team mate would be by her death or his. He certainly isn't going to die anytime soon, and neither is she unless it's dealt by his hand.
Sakura woke late. She could tell by the position of the sun that it was almost noon. Sitting up slowly the pinkette brought a hand to her head, hoping to dull the headache pounding away behind her eyes. Nausea pulled at her stomach and before she could even think she was shooting off her bed and towards the toilet.
Looking down all she could see is blood. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she looks down and sees blood covering that too.
Sighing, she flushes the toilet and heads to the sink. It's been three months since that day in Tsunades office. She still hasn't told her team mates and somehow, she's been able to keep her deteriorating health hidden from them.
Ignoring her reflection of a pale faced girl, with blood around her mouth and running from her nose, she washes her face and brushes her teeth. She walks back into her room but pauses. She can feel the presence of three different people in her living room. All of them she really wished weren't here right now.
Opening the door of her room that leads into her living room she walks in with her back straight. Naruto was sitting on her couch alongside Sasuke and Kakashi was leaning against her wall by the window, looking out and into the sky as if he wished he were somewhere else.
I wish you were somewhere else too, Sakura couldn't help thinking and rolling her eyes.
"Sakura chan! Are you okay? We heard noises that sounded like you were throwing up. Do you need to go see Baa chan? Go to the hospital?"
Sakura sighed and ran a hand through her hair before answering her hyperactive team mate. She still has a headache and he's only making it worse. She could feel a cough starting to crawl up her throat and she knew she needed them to leave.
"I'm a medic Naruto, I'm pretty sure I would know if I'm fine or not and I am." Looking at them she glares. "Now I need you guys to leave. I'm sorry I didn't show up for training again, but I'm going to be late for my shift at the hospital if you don't leave so I can get ready."
Kakashi stopped looking out the window and suddenly stalked towards her. "Why don't you tell us the truth Sakura?" He gave her an eye crease, showing that he was smiling. Because of that mask though, he could really be doing anything and no one would know.
Sasuke finally stood and appeared at her side. He grabbed her wrist in a firm grip, his glare connecting with her eyes. "We don't like being lied to, Sakura."
An involuntary shiver ran up her spine at the sound of her name on his lips. She hadn't heard him speak her name in so long, that she almost forgot what it sounded like. While the shiver was invisible, the look she gave him from his firm grip was not, causing Naruto to grab him by his shirt and pull him away from her. He started yelling at him, telling him not to man handle her. Kakashi had turned his attention away from her momentarily to look at the two boys who were acting like children.
It felt like a hand was suddenly grasping her lungs, and fire tickling her throat making it burn. The urge to cough became too over whelming. She was able to turn around and run to her room, closing the door, she collapsed to the ground before covering her mouth and coughing. She could feel the blood that seeped through her fingers and onto the floor, covering it in its red essence that had until recently been keeping her alive, but was now killing her.
"Sakura chan?" Naruto's voice drifted through the door. She was covered in blood, and she could feel herself getting tired despite having only woken up not even an hour ago. She just wanted them to go away, she didn't want them to see her like this. She didn't want them to know the truth until later.
Sakura could feel that later was going to come soon though. She could already feel herself becoming tired more. Looking down a bruise was already forming on her wrist in the shape of a hand print. Sasuke hadn't grabbed her hard enough to bruise; he had simply wrapped his hand around her wrist, barely any pressure being applied behind it.
She knew what that meant. Vomiting and coughing up blood, bruising, headaches, shortness of breath. All the symptoms of the end of the road were showing and Sakura was suddenly very scared. She didn't want to go through this alone! But she knew she couldn't bear to see the looks on their faces if they knew now. She'd rather them not find out until she was on her death bed, ready to be taken.
It seemed though that fate had taken the choice out of her hands though.
The door to her room was pushed open and her team mates invited themselves in. They weren't expecting to see a haggard looking Sakura sitting in front of a pile of blood and the red running down her chin and neck. It splattered the front of her night shirt, an old orange one of Naruto's, and her hand was dripping with it.
"Sakura chan! We need to get you to Baa chan!" Naruto rushed over to her and was about to pick her up but she held her hands up to stop him. Everyone noticed the hand print on her wrist. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at it, knowing he hadn't applied enough pressure to bruise.
Before she could protest again he swept her off her feet and with one glance at the others they bolted out of her room and to the hospital. They all ignored her swearing and hissing. Used to it by now. When they got there Naruto demanded for them to get Tsunade before he disappeared down the hall and into an empty room. He set the pinkette down on the bed gently.
"She already knows Naruto." Sakura sighed, having given up on protesting half way here. She settled into the bed.
"Why are you still sick then? Is it just running itself out of your system?" Naruto sank to his knees by her bed, taking her hand and trying to ignore the blood. Kakashi stood behind him while Sasuke sat on the bed next to her surprisingly.
Sakura gave a small sad smile, one that made all three of the men instantly stiffen. Shaking her head Sakura couldn't keep the tears at bay. "Naruto, I'm not going to get better."
The blondes frame tensed up, his head lowered till his forehead rested on her hand that he held tightly clasped in his hands. "You're lying right? Sakura chan? You and baa chan are the best med nin I know, there isn't anything you can't cure."
"There are some things that are incurable Naruto." At the sound of the Hokage voice Naruto lifted his head. The words processed slowly, but a growl ripped through his throat from them. Before he could speak though Kakashi spoke up, his voice oddly distant and cold.
"What does she have?" His eye was closed and his stance slouched and seeming to radiate indifference, but everyone knew better.
Tsunade sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Myelodysplasia, it's when a person's bone marrow malfunctions and doesn't produce enough normal blood cells. Usually it can be handled with treatments but Sakura's condition was caught too late. It's now developed into a type of cancer that can't be treated. We can only let it run its course." Her voice held pain and heart ache that made Sakura hate herself even more for.
"How? Why? Sakura was perfectly healthy just yesterday!" Naruto stood quickly and glared at the blonde woman. "What happened to make her suddenly so sick!"
"Naruto!" At the pinkettes voice Naruto looked back down at her. She looked so weak, her eyes were closed, her face pale. "I've been sick for a long time Naruto. I've been getting worse, but now the time has come."
"No! How can you say that! You've acted completely normal, never indicating that you were sick, you would have told us!" His blue eyes were shining with tears. He wouldn't, couldn't believe his team mate and sister has been slowly dying right before his eyes this whole time. He would have noticed!
"It was that day wasn't it. The day you missed morning practice to go see the Hokage three months ago." Sasuke's voice was low and cold. He was angry, not only at the pinkette sitting next to him but also at himself. He should have noticed it that day. She was close to breaking down right in front of them and they were all none the wiser. They had known she was upset, but now to know that it was because of something like this. It made him feel like a fool.
Sakura just nodded her head. "I had found a letter in my parents study a month before that. It was a letter from a doctor saying the test results had come back positive for me. They died before they could tell me. I remember them arguing awhile before that. My mother was angry that my father hadn't told her that this disease runs in his family. I had just come back from a mission so I was too tired to think anything of it. After finding the letter though, I went straight to Tsunade to get tested. A month later, she called me into her office and told me it came back positive." Sakura looked into her mentors eyes, knowing she was as in much pain as her team mates. "By the look in her eye I could tell that it wasn't curable, not anymore anyways."
Naruto dropped to his knees, pain clearly painted across his face. Tears were streaming down his face and his hands were bunched into fists on him pants. Sakura reached over and took both Naruto and Sasuke's hands. They both looked up at her at the same time.
Smiling she couldn't help the pain leak into her voice. She didn't want to leave them, but there was nothing she could do about it. Life dealt her a bad set of cards and now it was her time to fold. "Naruto, Sasuke. Don't be sad, or angry at yourselves. Nothing can be done and I've accepted that fact a long time ago."
Sasuke snatched his hand away from her grip and glared at her. "Why didn't you tell us?" His voice made Sakura want to cry. It was full of loathing and it hurt just to hear it. She wished she could have told him her feelings, but she couldn't. Even now she was lying to them, but she only wanted to keep them from blaming themselves.
"Because I wanted to live out my last days like normal, not seeing you guys give me looks of sadness and treating me like a glass doll. I wanted to enjoy my time with you guys being your usual selves." Sakura sighed and covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry."
Before anyone could say anything Sakura suddenly tensed and started coughing. They were horrible body wracking coughs that hurt. Blood streamed from between her fingers and onto the bed, tears flowed from her eyes at the pain. She could barely breathe and she knew her time to go has come. She could feel herself becoming cold as shivers wracked her body.
Naruto was suddenly gone from her side and Tsunade was in his place. She placed her glowing hand on Sakura's back. Her eyes grew large as she realized that her young students' body was starting to shut down. One organ at a time. Biting her lip she numbed her, that way she wouldn't feel any more pain from it.
She helped Sakura lean back onto the pillows after her coughing had stopped. Her breathing was fast and shallow. Green eyes connected with honey.
"It's time huh?" Sakura asked weakly. Shutting her eyes Sakura relaxed, allowing the disease to run its course.
"No! Tsunade ba chan, you have to do something! Why are you just standing there! Save her! Do something!" Naruto screamed and raved, a hand on his arm made him stop. Looking down he saw Sakura looking at him.
"Come here Naruto."
Naruto ignored the blood and crawled into the bed next to her. He lay on his side and grasped her hand tightly. "It's going to be okay Naruto." He gave her wobbly smile, tears still streamed down his face. "Keep smiling, and never give up on your dream okay? I always believed in you." Sakura looked at both her teachers. Kakashi was next to her bed now; hand on her head gently stroking her hair. "I have letters in my desk. Please read them."
She looked at Sasuke and gave a small smile, it was getting hard for her breathe. "I love you guys." With one last shuddering breath Sakura closed her eyes and kept her smile on her face. "We will always be together." Naruto felt her heart stop.
"Sakura chan?" Naruto looked up at her face. Her chest wasn't moving anymore. "Iie, Sakura chan! Open your damn eyes!" He hit the bed with his fist. Tsunade fell to her knees and covered her face in her hands, silent tears ran down her face and hit the floor. Naruto's head was bent over her body and shuddering sobs wracked his body and he wailed. "Sakura chaaaaan!"
After the funeral her team gathered in her apartment one last time. Kakashi came back into the living room with six letters in his grasp. Four were addressed to her team mates, the other two for Tsunade and Ino.
He handed everyone their letters, when he was only left with his he vanished in a poof of smoke. Leaving the three younger men standing in the room staring down at Sakura's neat handwriting stating their names.
Naruto gently opened his with a care that no one has ever seen before. When it was opened there were only a couple sentences. Old tears drops littered the page that made him start crying. They had all decided to read them outloud.
Dear Naruto,
I'm sorry that all I have to leave you, any of you, is letters. It breaks my heart to know that I won't be there to see you become Hokage, to see you start a family, to meet your children. Just know that where ever I am, I will always be looking over you and protecting you and everyone you hold dear. I need you to stay strong; you are the glue that holds everyone together. I love you, never forget that.
-Love Sakura Haruno.
Naruto sat heavily down on the couch, his head bent and hands clutching his head in pain. "I love you too Sakura chan." He whispered out in between his tears.
Sai opened his next. He had been sent on a mission the day of her death, and it pained him to know he hadn't been there for her final moments.
Dear Sai,
I'm sorry that we never truly got to know each other. And for punching you that first day we met. You were never a replacement for Sasuke, you always held your own role on this team and never forget that we wouldn't be team 7 without you. You are special to everyone and I am so happy I got to meet you, help you, and watch you grow into the person you are today. You still need work on your emotions, but I know deep down that you do actually feel everything; it's just hard for you to express them and identify them. Keep growing, and become someone who can smile a real smile every day for the rest of his life.
-Always smile, Sakura Haruno.
Sasuke really didn't want to read his out loud, but he knew that if he didn't, Naruto would try to kick his ass and just read it out loud himself. With a sigh he tore his open and started:
Dear dear Sasuke,
I have so many things I want to say but so little time and paper. I once read a poem, it's enclosed with the letter, that I couldn't help but always wonder to myself about you. You're someone who I love yet have always hated at the same time. You've put Naruto through so much pain and yet you make him exceedingly happy. You give me headaches and heartache all at the same time. I know you never loved me, and I'm still not sure if you even like me. All I can say is that despite you never smiling at me, or really acknowledging me, you made me happy by making Naruto happy. You can glare all you want, say as many hurtful words as you know, but I know that you do truly see that little hyperactive ninja as your brother. Please never hurt him again, I won't be there this time to pick up the pieces that you so recklessly break. If I see your family, I'll tell them all about how amazing of a ninja you've become. How proud of you I am and how you are healing. That you will always remember them, but you don't hurt as much anymore. Hopefully that will give them a piece of mind, neh?
-Sakura Haruno.
Sasuke bit his lip as he pulled out the poem. When he started reading he really wished he had just read this to himself.
"If I died, would you remember me?
If I died, would you still hate me?
If I died, would everything we did mean nothing?
If I died, would you be able to live without me?
If I died, would you regret all the words unspoken?
If I died, would you regret not being the one who killed me?
If I died, then would you realize that I care for you?
If I died, would you regret never telling me your true feelings?"
At the end of the paper, in Sakura's scrawl was one last line that she had added. That line is what finally made Sasuke Uchiha start crying silently.
When I'm dead, know that I have always loved you, Sasuke. That I've only ever wanted you to be happy.