THE FOOL OF THE RINGS
by Pauline and Andrea
Kint Herbert
PROLOGUE
Andrea and Pauline had finally bought the movie "The Lord Of The Rings". They were at Andrea's house watching it for their monthly sleep-over party. Andrea was in her glow-in-the-dark boxers with her softball jersey. She also had her favorite Italian boots on. Pauline, however, had her panda print pajamas and her rainbow toesocks. They were sitting on their sleeping bags in front of the TV, watching the movie and drinking Red Bull and Vanilla Coke. Pauline turned to Andrea and said "Wouldn't it be great if we could go to middle-earth? I mean, we could see Legolas and Aragon....."
Andrea zoned out, sighed and muttered "Aragon......." Before she could say anything else, Pauline whacked her up-side the head.
"The only reason we would go there is because of all the hott elves." Pauline said. Andrea glared at her.
"Ok, fine....and the other, not-so-hott guys. "Pauline added. Andrea promptly returned the whack. Then, Andrea's Jack Russell Terrier, Ricky, jumped on them both and turned upside down and went to sleep. Andrea and Pauline gave each other the "What the Hell happened?" look.
"Ricky is right. Time to hit the sack." Andrea said.
"Are you joking?! It's not even 10:00 yet!" Pauline half- shouted. All at once, a bright light beamed out of the TV and sucked Pauline and Andrea into it. Ricky, who had been sleeping in Andrea's arms, dropped to the ground, still asleep. He twitched for a few moments and went back to his disturbing dream, in which his owner and that crazy-girl-who-comes-over teleported into the TV.
CHAPTER 1
After spinning mindlessly through a white mist, Pauline and Andrea found themselves in the middle of a forest road. They were still wearing their pajamas, Italian boots, and toesocks.
"What the FUCK?" they both screamed in unison. Their last word echoed around them in the stillness of the forest. Andrea and Pauline got up off the ground and just stood there.
"Andrea, what the fuck did you do?"
"Me? Hey, don't look at me. You're the one who wanted to see the hott elves!"
As they were arguing, four hobbits burst out of the roadside shrubbery. As they made their way toward the dumbfounded girls:
"Get off the road!" They screeched "Get off the road!!" Two hobbits grabbed hold of Andrea, and the remaining two started to grab Pauline.
"Aren't you supposed to be in pre-school or something?"asked Andrea as they were dragging her off the road. The Red Bull and Vanilla Coke had taken affect. All she got in response was a pair of dirty looks. Pauline, however, wasn't going to cooperate.
"This is unwanted physical contact! Rape! RAPE!!!!" she yelled as the two hobbits desperately tried to drag her off the road. Pauline was causing such a problem, that the two hobbits who grabbed Andrea ran back to help the others. Two hobbits couldn't have shut her up, but four definitely could. Kicking and shouting muffled words that could have been "Rape!", they dragged her off under a log. Andrea followed, grinning like an idiot at Pauline.
"If you don't shut up, the ringwraiths will get us!" whispered one of the Hobbits to Pauline. Pauline bit the hand that was over her mouth and said "Ringawho?"
"Pauline, just shut up. Listen to the preschoolers." Andrea said. Just then, a shriek ripped through the air. It was loud enough and scary enough to make even Pauline shut up. The hobbits and the girls looked at each other nervously. A sniffing noise replaced the shriek as a ringwraith searched around the log. As it approached, bugs started coming out of the ground and from the log. A very small, insignificant spider crawled out onto Pauline's shoulder. Pauline does not like spiders.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!GETITOFF! GETITOFF!GERROF!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Pauline, running out from under the log. The ringwraith jumped back ,drawing his sword. He didn't need it though. Pauline ran straight into a tree and knocked herself out cold. Hey, at least the spider was gone. The ringwraith walked right over the log and it's occupants. Striding toward the now semi-unconscious Pauline, he stopped just a few feet away from her. By now, you've probably realized two things. One- Ringwraiths cause bugs to suddenly appear, and Two- Pauline is an idiot.
"Ow...." mumbled Pauline as her eyes started to focus on the dark figure standing above her. When they did focus, she wished that they hadn't. She screamed again, her voice cracking. She jumped up and started to run. She was in such a hurry, that she ran right smack into the same tree. Again, she became blissfully unconcious. While all this was going on, the hobbits and Andrea had the sense to move as far as possible from the ringwraith, and from Pauline.
"Are you two related in some way?" whispered one of the hobbits.
"I wish. We are only best friends." Andrea whispered back.
"Makes sense." whispered another hobbit.
Pauline, meanwhile, was being inspected by the bewildered ringwraith. He scratched the top of his head with his sword, then prodded Pauline with it. Still unconcious, Pauline just twitched. Grabbing Pauline by the back of her pyjamas, he lifted her up to see if something could really be that stupid to run into the same tree twice in a row.
"Maybe we should leave now." one hobbit said.
"Uh....yeah. Pauline can fend for herself." replied Andrea.
Pauline finally woke up from her unconciousness and focused her eyes, again. She looked at the ground and then, turning her head slightly, looked at the ringwraith. She screamed for the third time and the ringwraith dropped her to the ground, surprised. Pauline got up and looked for the others. She saw them creeping away, through the shrubbury.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Pauline yelled. She ploughed into the ringwraith, knocking him to the ground. Blanching, Andrea and the hobbits broke into a run. Pauline ran after them, but saw the ringwraith's horse. Grinning like the idiot she was, Pauline jogged over to the horse. She looked at the sadle and found a knife. Unbeknownst to her, it was one of those cheap plastic knives you get at CVS for Halloween. She took it out of it's sheath, and started hacking away at the bridle. The horse tried to move away, but it was too late. It was in the clutches of Pauline Kint. Meanwhile, the ringwraith was walking towards his horse, looking weirdly at Pauline. After hacking unsuccesfully, she turned to the approaching ringwraith and said in an authoritative voice:
"You know, you should really sharpen these things. I mean, look! I'm not making any headway!" Throwing the el-cheapo plastic knife down, she manually took off the bridle. "Be FREE!!!" she shouted as she smacked the horse's ass. Startled, the horse took off in the direction that Andrea and the hobbits went. Unfortunately for her,(not for us) her hand was caught on the sheath strap. Yelling "Oh MY GOD!!!", Pauline was dragged through the undergrowth. The ringwraith stood there, letting what had happened sink in. When it had sunken in, the ring wraith screamed and chased after his horse and his next victim.
Andrea and the hobbits stopped in their tracks when they heard the yelling.
"I'm guessing that's your friend." remarked the red-headed hobbit.
"Yep! I'd recognize that scream anywhere." replied Andrea proudly.
As the horse and his unexpected rider passed them, Andrea shouted, "Let go, you fool!" Pauline, of course, did no such thing.
"I better save her now. She looks like she needs my help." Andrea said. Andrea, with her speed like a cheetah, in her Italian boots, caught up with the horse and yanked Pauline off the sheath. The horse snorted and ran off. Pauline, now, was unconscious because of too much air getting into her mouth at one time. Andrea smacked her and looked at the road ahead of them. The horse was coming back. Andrea threw Pauline to the ground to wake her up. She then ran away after the hobbits. Pauline came to and looked up. The horse stopped in it's tracks. It didn't want to go through that again. Pauline jumped up and yelled at the horse.
"I thought I told you to be FREE!! Now, BE FREE DAMNIT!!!!" The ringwriath, who had been tramping after them, finally caught up, breathing heavily (because he had just had a sudden asthma attack). Pauline turned around and saw him. She gave a little squeak and then, started running after her best friend. The ringwraith, deciding that he had had enough for one day, sheathed his sword and mounted. As he rode in the opposite direction, he vowed to kill the half-assed human who had taken his bridle.(Bridles were very expensive back then, especially for undead ringwraiths.) As he rode dejectedly away, his friend rode up to him. In his shrieking voice, ringwraith I explained to ringwraith II what had happened. The friend, thinking he could handle the half-assed human, rode off after them. Ringwraith I just shook his head and hoped that his friend would come back in one piece.
Chapter 2
As soon as the ringwraith was out of sight, the company breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"That was the most fucked up animatronic that I have *ever* seen, yo," Pauline stated. She shook her head and wondered who would be stupid enough to create tall, black shrieking thingys that had no purpose except to make bugs come out of the ground and scare the living hell out of her. The hobbits looked at her funny.
"What is this "yo" that you are saying? I have no idea what it refers to...." said the red haired hobbit to Pauline.
"'Yo' is, like, Spanglish, dude," answered Pauline matter-of- factly," Get with the times, yo!"
"Dude?" the hobbits looked puzzled. Pauline turned to Andrea and Andrea produced a mini Webster's Dictionary from somwhere in her Italian Boots.
"'DUDE'- a slang word for tough man'," quoted Andrea.
"It also means an infected hair on an elephants butt!"giggled Pauline," But you probably don't know what the hell an elephant is."
"Well, there is no time to explain what your silly minds like to come up with. We need to get to Bree," explained the main hobbit, "My name is Frodo, and these are my friends, Sam," the chubby one waved, "Merry," the red haired one waved, "and Pippin," the one with all the food stuffed in his mouth smiled like a chipmunk. Pauline and Andrea introduced themselves and produced the peace sign. The hobbits copied them but then looked weirdly at their hands.
"Bree? as in the cheese?"asked Pauline," Wheee! Let's go to Breee!"
"Bree," corrected Sam,"Not 'Breee'."
"Whatever." Pauline shrugged. Andrea and the others shook their heads and the company set off to Bree, watchful (yeah, RIGHT) of their surroundings. Suddenly, the second Ringwraith made his way to them, by way of the shrubbery. Andrea, having good instinct, threw the hobbits into the bushes nearby them. As for Pauline, she walked boldly up to the huge guy in black. The rider's horse stopped in it's tracks. It had heard about this human.
"What the fuck?! Another one?" asked Pauline.
"Get the hell outta there, you little shit!" hissed Frodo. Damn, thought Andrea, He learned pretty fuckin' fast....
"Awww, don't worry! It's only an animatronic. You know, a robot?" stated Pauline as she walked closer toward the meanacing figure. The ringwraith was having trouble dismounting, because for every step Pauline took, the horse was walking backwards for two steps. Finally he got off his reluctant horse, and faced the impudent little mortal grinning at him like an ass and the other people trying to hide in the bushes. Andrea cautiously walked behind the ringwraith and lifted up his tunic.
"*Nice* ass... Pauline, come back here and help me find the switch to turn this guy off. He's scaring the hobbits and we have to go soon." Andrea called to Pauline.
"Really? Dude, you really need a boyfriend...." commented Pauline," Ok, I'll try and find the switch. I don't think it's in the back though...that's the obvious place to put it."
"Well, check the front for me, then, dammnit!" Andrea grumbled. The effects of the Red Bull were wearing off, and she was getting pissed. Pauline shrugged and started poking the now confused ringwraith in the belly. By this time, the horse had done the smart thing and ran away. The ringwraith was going to wish very soon that he had escaped with his mount......
"Yo, Pauline! Did you bring any Red Bull with you? I'm running out of fuel," Andrea asked.
"Why, indeed I didn't," announced Pauline. Andrea decides to abandon the search of the ringwraith switch and search for the door to get back to her own world. Suddenly, out the corner of her eye (she wouldn't have seen this if she was hyper), she saw a shimmering hole of light. Andrea walked towards it and stuck her hand through. It disappeared.
"Cool!" Andrea whispered. She climbed back to her world, grabbed a 12 pack of Red Bull and 2 big bottles of Dr. Pepper. Andrea then scratched Ricky behind his ears and left again. Ricky looked up, saw nothing and thought he had imagined it. When Andrea was coming back, her arm hit something. She turned around and saw that the shimmering hole of light had disappeared. Andrea shrugged and walked away.
"Pauline! I went! I saw! I came back with hyper fuel!" Andrea shouted.
"Sweet! Can't wait to paarrrrrtay!" Pauline called back. She was still poking the ringwraith who now started scratching his head with his sword. The hobbits were still hiding in the shrubbery, praying that the end would be quick and painless. Then something dawned on the slow- working brain of Pauline.
"You went through the......" Pauline started, "where is it now?"
"Ah, well, you see, a funny thing happened," Andrea explained,"It sorta..just....um, vanished?"
"Oh, ok," then it hit Pauline, "OH SHIT! Andrea!!!!!!! We won't be able to go back! At least not until this fruitin' quest thingy is over! DAMNIT!" she shouted at the Ringwraith, "Plus, you don't even have a stupid off switch, Bizzzatch!"
"Well,......... at least we'll make new friends here. It might actually be fun," Andrea replied, hopefully, "And Pauline, I don't think this guy is an animatronic. He might be real....."
"What the *hell* are you talking about, Andrea?"asked Pauline, "There is no such thing as a ringwraith in the real world!" she snorted and kept poking the poor ringwraith in the belly.
"Actually, he's an undead king who was tempted and then killed by the power of a magical ring. There are about nine in all. Try and count them," explained Frodo. Both girls turn around and saw all nine ringwraiths together.
"Gotta catch'em all! Gotta catch'em all! POKEMON!" shouted Andrea. She already had gulped down her second Red Bull. Pauline shouted at the same time:
"Collect the whole set!" she didn't need any Red Bull. She was crazy enough as it was. Andrea, however, was getting pretty pissed off at the uninvited guests and was ready to open a can of tae-kwon-do whoopass on them. Pauline, seeing their disadvantage of being outnumbered, grabbed Andrea and shoved the scared hobbits in front of her and they all beat a hasty retreat to the Brandywine River. As the company was running for their lives, the ringwraiths urged their horses on; however, they refused because of a ceratin member of the party who was running away was the bane of their undead, evil, horsey lives. Finally, the horses got a move on, but it was too late. The group had reached the ferry and were already quickly on their way to Bree. The horses grumbled betwixt themselves at having to run an extra 20 miles upriver to the bridge.
Chapter 3
"Hey, what's this river called again?" asked Andrea as they paddled to the other side. "It's called the Brandywine River," said Sam. "Dude......so you mean it's brandy and wine mixed together?" Pauline asked, earnestly. "Uh....no I don't believe that it does. I think that it tastes of just water." Merry explained. "Well, I'm going to test it for myself," Andrea said, dipping her hand into the river. "Hmmmm.....I'm not an expert on brandy but I am of wine and this is one of the best tasting wines I have ever tried. Taste it Pauline." Pauline took a sip and then smiled. Three minutes later, Pauline and Andrea started singing "On TOP of spaGHETTI all COVered in CHEESE, I LOST my poor MEATball when SOMEbody SNEEZED!......." while the hobbits began to become a little afraid. When they got to the other side, it started to rain. Fortunately for the poor hobbits, the rain sobered up the two girls, and they experienced their first hangovers.
Andrea, Pauline, and the hobbits ran through the pouring rain after getting off the ferry; sneezing (intermixed with cursing) all the way to the gates of Bree (Wheeeeee!). After receiving the third degree from the old fart that guarded the gates, the odd group entered the Prancing Pony where Frodo was supposed to meet Gandalf. (Author's note #1: One of our friends saw the 'real' movie and thought it said "Drowning Pony." So, from now on, it's going to be called the "Drowning Pony.") The hobbits went straight to the bar where they ordered half pints (Merry ordered a pint which caused Pippin to jump up in jealousy to get his own while Sam protested). The girls slid slowly to the bar, and started ordering their drinks.
"Hmm...I would like to order a bottle of Smirnoff Triple Black and my friend would like a non-alcoholic Pina Colada." Andrea said, confidently. The bartender looked at her and then at Pauline, funnily and then, thinking it was a joke, just laughed at them.
"All we sell here is beer, beer, and more beer," the bartender chuckled away. "Well, then we will just provide our own drinks, thank you." Pauline said, guiding Andrea away who was looking dumbstruck at the bartender.
"Don't worry Andrea. Don't forget we have Red Bull and Vanilla Coke. And since I drank one can of the Red Bull, I filled that with the brandywine. You can have that can because I know you will enjoy it more than I will." Pauline put her hand on Andrea's shoulder and looked into her eyes. "Pauline, that is probably the most nicest thing you have said to me since we started this trip. Thank you, I will enjoy it." Andrea said, gratefully. "Yeah, whatever, you know more about wines than I do and I would just throw most of it up anyway. So have fun." Pauline said while hiccupping and started heading towards where the hobbits had just sat down. (Author's note #2: Pauline regularly gets the most wicked cases of hiccups that God ever gave to man. Nobody knows just exactly what she did to piss God off so badly, and she isn't telling.)
"Frodo, that man hasn't stopped looking at you since we arrived," Sam muttered to Frodo, pointing out a tall dark stranger with hooded cape across the room. "And he hasn't stopped looking at Andrea either," giggled Pauline. "Shut up, Pauline," Andrea said in her British accent. (Author's note #3: Ever since Andrea returned from England after vacations, she's always had this thick English accent for at least 4 months afterwards.)
CHAPTER 4
After a while, the (highly intoxicated) hobbits and girls decided that they were bushed. Pauline, still hiccupping, suggested that they rent a room. While Andrea haggled with the bartender, Pauline (yes, still hiccupping) and the hobbits disappeared because their attention spans were as long as an inchworm. Andrea looked around after failing to negotiate and couldn't find her group; apparently, bartenders here don't know the value of good Red Bull. While Andrea looked around frantically for the group, the tall dark stranger walked over to her and whispered in her ear.
"Your friends are safe. Follow me." Andrea quickly turned around but lost him. She looked at the bartender who nodded in the upstairs direction. Andrea walked cautiously towards the stairs. For Andrea, this all happened in slow-mo. She finally reached the stairs when, out of the blue, the tall dark stranger pulled her into a corridor.
"I said follow me, not go to up the stairs and wait for me to never come," the tall dark stranger said to Andrea. Andrea brushed his hand off him. She looked around and realized that the four hobbits, sorry five including Pauline, were all sitting around him on the floor looking up at them. (Author's Note #4: Pauline is another name for "Paulus" which means "small". So, that is why she can become a hobbit. At least, in Andrea's hyper eyes.) Pauline was smiling and winking at her. Andrea shook her smiles away and concentrated on looking at the tall dark stranger.
"You know, I can't keep calling you tall dark stranger in my head, so what's your real name?" Andrea looked at him earnestly.
"Not now. We have to get upstairs and get to sleep. We have a long journey tomorrow. Follow me. And don't get lost." The tall dark stranger looked at Andrea.
"Sorrrrry." Andrea said, sarcastically. "Wait........................what journey? Where are we going? Why are we going? Who is going with us? How are we getti-," by this time, the five hobbits (yes, Pauline is one of them now) had whacked her over the head with a beer mug and proceeded to drag her through the street. The tall, dark stranger was walking as far ahead of them as possible, trying not to be associated with these...well, idiots.
The Ringwraiths finally caught up to the hobbits and their new friends and, while their horses waited outside, (wheezing and coughing in the rain, plotting a mutiny soon if they didn't get better healthcare coverage and hours) the Ringwraiths walked into the Prancing Pony. They quickly ran up the stairs, with two of them tripping. (Yes, tripping. They were on crack.) They reached the hobbit's bedroom and each one went up to a single bed, with a sword in their hands. They all looked at each other and they were about to throw the swords into the beings in the beds when one of the ringwraiths shrieked at them. (Author's note #5: We'll translate their shrieks.)
"Wait. Let's count to three. One...two..."
"Wait. On three or after three?" Ringwraith #2 asked.
"After three, idiot." Ringwraith #1 said.
"Ok. Just wanted to make that clear. I know that I had that question and I bet a few others did too." Five of the other ringwraiths nodded.
"Well, it's after threee, ok? Now, one...two....three." All of the ringwraiths stabbed the beds.
"You know what? I think they lost some weight. They're like pillows!! Wait.........they're not here at all." Ringwraith #2 said, ripping back the bedding from his assigned bed.
"And you know what? We spent precise time deciding when to stab bedding when we could be looking for them now." Ringwraith #1 shrieked.
"Well, at least the horses had a rest." Ringwraith #3 said. The ringwraiths started walking down the stairs.
"You always were the animal lover, weren't you?" Rinagwraith #1 sneered, and promptly ran into the doorframe. (These mofos are like, NINE frickin' feet tall! And last I saw, normal people stop at 6 feet, so they have to duck their heads. Hobbits top at 3 feet. Just in case you were wondering. Now, keep reading!)
All of a sudden, Pippin woke up and walked over to the window. He saw the Ringwraiths ride away before he quickly opened the window and puked all over the walkway down on the road.
"Pippin, be careful. I think you drank too much. Come. Lie down again." Tall Dark Stranger said, while he guided Pippin back to bed.
"Tall Dark Stranger, we still don't know your name. Can you tell us now so that Andrea can have a proper dream about you?" Pauline asked. Andrea immediately punched her. Tall Dark Stranger smile and uncovered his head.
"I guess I should tell you now. My name is..."
"Oh my gosh!!! It's ARAGON!!!!!!!!!" Pauline and Andrea shouted together. Everyone turned to face them. Andrea looked happy while Pauline was excited because, duh, that meant that she'd meet Legolas soon. ("Hot Dog!"~Pauline)
"How did you know my name?" Aragon asked, looking at them bizarrely.
"Uh......it's a very common name...isn't it? Right, Pauline?" Andrea made up. Pauline, however, was plotting on how to kidn......uh...meet Legolas; she wasn't listening. Thank goodness for Andrea, Aragon believed her.
"Well, everyone should get some more sleep. We have a long day tomorrow." Aragon sat back down into his chair.
"Are you going to sleep?" Andrea asked, smiling.
"I'll wait until the ringwraiths have gone a bit farther." Aragon answered, smoking his pipe.
"Oh, ok. Well, good night." Andrea said, laying down next to his chair.
"Oh, by the way, we have to get you some better clothes for tomorrow's journey. When you wake up, they will be waiting for you. So, goodnight." Aragon said. But Andrea had already fallen asleep on Aragon's feet.
"What a strange little human. This is going to be an interesting trip." Aragon sighed to himself as Pauline screamed in her sleep "THE OLD HAAAAAGGG!!! THE OLD HAG!!!!!! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhHAAaah!!!!" (Where did the old hag come from? Well, you'll just have to ask Pauline. She won't tell you, though, you looser. Go read Excel Saga and find out. Ha. HHahahahaHAHAHAH. HAHAHa..HA....*hack*...HAHAH *wheeze*.....ha.)
by Pauline and Andrea
Kint Herbert
PROLOGUE
Andrea and Pauline had finally bought the movie "The Lord Of The Rings". They were at Andrea's house watching it for their monthly sleep-over party. Andrea was in her glow-in-the-dark boxers with her softball jersey. She also had her favorite Italian boots on. Pauline, however, had her panda print pajamas and her rainbow toesocks. They were sitting on their sleeping bags in front of the TV, watching the movie and drinking Red Bull and Vanilla Coke. Pauline turned to Andrea and said "Wouldn't it be great if we could go to middle-earth? I mean, we could see Legolas and Aragon....."
Andrea zoned out, sighed and muttered "Aragon......." Before she could say anything else, Pauline whacked her up-side the head.
"The only reason we would go there is because of all the hott elves." Pauline said. Andrea glared at her.
"Ok, fine....and the other, not-so-hott guys. "Pauline added. Andrea promptly returned the whack. Then, Andrea's Jack Russell Terrier, Ricky, jumped on them both and turned upside down and went to sleep. Andrea and Pauline gave each other the "What the Hell happened?" look.
"Ricky is right. Time to hit the sack." Andrea said.
"Are you joking?! It's not even 10:00 yet!" Pauline half- shouted. All at once, a bright light beamed out of the TV and sucked Pauline and Andrea into it. Ricky, who had been sleeping in Andrea's arms, dropped to the ground, still asleep. He twitched for a few moments and went back to his disturbing dream, in which his owner and that crazy-girl-who-comes-over teleported into the TV.
CHAPTER 1
After spinning mindlessly through a white mist, Pauline and Andrea found themselves in the middle of a forest road. They were still wearing their pajamas, Italian boots, and toesocks.
"What the FUCK?" they both screamed in unison. Their last word echoed around them in the stillness of the forest. Andrea and Pauline got up off the ground and just stood there.
"Andrea, what the fuck did you do?"
"Me? Hey, don't look at me. You're the one who wanted to see the hott elves!"
As they were arguing, four hobbits burst out of the roadside shrubbery. As they made their way toward the dumbfounded girls:
"Get off the road!" They screeched "Get off the road!!" Two hobbits grabbed hold of Andrea, and the remaining two started to grab Pauline.
"Aren't you supposed to be in pre-school or something?"asked Andrea as they were dragging her off the road. The Red Bull and Vanilla Coke had taken affect. All she got in response was a pair of dirty looks. Pauline, however, wasn't going to cooperate.
"This is unwanted physical contact! Rape! RAPE!!!!" she yelled as the two hobbits desperately tried to drag her off the road. Pauline was causing such a problem, that the two hobbits who grabbed Andrea ran back to help the others. Two hobbits couldn't have shut her up, but four definitely could. Kicking and shouting muffled words that could have been "Rape!", they dragged her off under a log. Andrea followed, grinning like an idiot at Pauline.
"If you don't shut up, the ringwraiths will get us!" whispered one of the Hobbits to Pauline. Pauline bit the hand that was over her mouth and said "Ringawho?"
"Pauline, just shut up. Listen to the preschoolers." Andrea said. Just then, a shriek ripped through the air. It was loud enough and scary enough to make even Pauline shut up. The hobbits and the girls looked at each other nervously. A sniffing noise replaced the shriek as a ringwraith searched around the log. As it approached, bugs started coming out of the ground and from the log. A very small, insignificant spider crawled out onto Pauline's shoulder. Pauline does not like spiders.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!GETITOFF! GETITOFF!GERROF!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Pauline, running out from under the log. The ringwraith jumped back ,drawing his sword. He didn't need it though. Pauline ran straight into a tree and knocked herself out cold. Hey, at least the spider was gone. The ringwraith walked right over the log and it's occupants. Striding toward the now semi-unconscious Pauline, he stopped just a few feet away from her. By now, you've probably realized two things. One- Ringwraiths cause bugs to suddenly appear, and Two- Pauline is an idiot.
"Ow...." mumbled Pauline as her eyes started to focus on the dark figure standing above her. When they did focus, she wished that they hadn't. She screamed again, her voice cracking. She jumped up and started to run. She was in such a hurry, that she ran right smack into the same tree. Again, she became blissfully unconcious. While all this was going on, the hobbits and Andrea had the sense to move as far as possible from the ringwraith, and from Pauline.
"Are you two related in some way?" whispered one of the hobbits.
"I wish. We are only best friends." Andrea whispered back.
"Makes sense." whispered another hobbit.
Pauline, meanwhile, was being inspected by the bewildered ringwraith. He scratched the top of his head with his sword, then prodded Pauline with it. Still unconcious, Pauline just twitched. Grabbing Pauline by the back of her pyjamas, he lifted her up to see if something could really be that stupid to run into the same tree twice in a row.
"Maybe we should leave now." one hobbit said.
"Uh....yeah. Pauline can fend for herself." replied Andrea.
Pauline finally woke up from her unconciousness and focused her eyes, again. She looked at the ground and then, turning her head slightly, looked at the ringwraith. She screamed for the third time and the ringwraith dropped her to the ground, surprised. Pauline got up and looked for the others. She saw them creeping away, through the shrubbury.
"Hey! Wait for me!" Pauline yelled. She ploughed into the ringwraith, knocking him to the ground. Blanching, Andrea and the hobbits broke into a run. Pauline ran after them, but saw the ringwraith's horse. Grinning like the idiot she was, Pauline jogged over to the horse. She looked at the sadle and found a knife. Unbeknownst to her, it was one of those cheap plastic knives you get at CVS for Halloween. She took it out of it's sheath, and started hacking away at the bridle. The horse tried to move away, but it was too late. It was in the clutches of Pauline Kint. Meanwhile, the ringwraith was walking towards his horse, looking weirdly at Pauline. After hacking unsuccesfully, she turned to the approaching ringwraith and said in an authoritative voice:
"You know, you should really sharpen these things. I mean, look! I'm not making any headway!" Throwing the el-cheapo plastic knife down, she manually took off the bridle. "Be FREE!!!" she shouted as she smacked the horse's ass. Startled, the horse took off in the direction that Andrea and the hobbits went. Unfortunately for her,(not for us) her hand was caught on the sheath strap. Yelling "Oh MY GOD!!!", Pauline was dragged through the undergrowth. The ringwraith stood there, letting what had happened sink in. When it had sunken in, the ring wraith screamed and chased after his horse and his next victim.
Andrea and the hobbits stopped in their tracks when they heard the yelling.
"I'm guessing that's your friend." remarked the red-headed hobbit.
"Yep! I'd recognize that scream anywhere." replied Andrea proudly.
As the horse and his unexpected rider passed them, Andrea shouted, "Let go, you fool!" Pauline, of course, did no such thing.
"I better save her now. She looks like she needs my help." Andrea said. Andrea, with her speed like a cheetah, in her Italian boots, caught up with the horse and yanked Pauline off the sheath. The horse snorted and ran off. Pauline, now, was unconscious because of too much air getting into her mouth at one time. Andrea smacked her and looked at the road ahead of them. The horse was coming back. Andrea threw Pauline to the ground to wake her up. She then ran away after the hobbits. Pauline came to and looked up. The horse stopped in it's tracks. It didn't want to go through that again. Pauline jumped up and yelled at the horse.
"I thought I told you to be FREE!! Now, BE FREE DAMNIT!!!!" The ringwriath, who had been tramping after them, finally caught up, breathing heavily (because he had just had a sudden asthma attack). Pauline turned around and saw him. She gave a little squeak and then, started running after her best friend. The ringwraith, deciding that he had had enough for one day, sheathed his sword and mounted. As he rode in the opposite direction, he vowed to kill the half-assed human who had taken his bridle.(Bridles were very expensive back then, especially for undead ringwraiths.) As he rode dejectedly away, his friend rode up to him. In his shrieking voice, ringwraith I explained to ringwraith II what had happened. The friend, thinking he could handle the half-assed human, rode off after them. Ringwraith I just shook his head and hoped that his friend would come back in one piece.
Chapter 2
As soon as the ringwraith was out of sight, the company breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"That was the most fucked up animatronic that I have *ever* seen, yo," Pauline stated. She shook her head and wondered who would be stupid enough to create tall, black shrieking thingys that had no purpose except to make bugs come out of the ground and scare the living hell out of her. The hobbits looked at her funny.
"What is this "yo" that you are saying? I have no idea what it refers to...." said the red haired hobbit to Pauline.
"'Yo' is, like, Spanglish, dude," answered Pauline matter-of- factly," Get with the times, yo!"
"Dude?" the hobbits looked puzzled. Pauline turned to Andrea and Andrea produced a mini Webster's Dictionary from somwhere in her Italian Boots.
"'DUDE'- a slang word for tough man'," quoted Andrea.
"It also means an infected hair on an elephants butt!"giggled Pauline," But you probably don't know what the hell an elephant is."
"Well, there is no time to explain what your silly minds like to come up with. We need to get to Bree," explained the main hobbit, "My name is Frodo, and these are my friends, Sam," the chubby one waved, "Merry," the red haired one waved, "and Pippin," the one with all the food stuffed in his mouth smiled like a chipmunk. Pauline and Andrea introduced themselves and produced the peace sign. The hobbits copied them but then looked weirdly at their hands.
"Bree? as in the cheese?"asked Pauline," Wheee! Let's go to Breee!"
"Bree," corrected Sam,"Not 'Breee'."
"Whatever." Pauline shrugged. Andrea and the others shook their heads and the company set off to Bree, watchful (yeah, RIGHT) of their surroundings. Suddenly, the second Ringwraith made his way to them, by way of the shrubbery. Andrea, having good instinct, threw the hobbits into the bushes nearby them. As for Pauline, she walked boldly up to the huge guy in black. The rider's horse stopped in it's tracks. It had heard about this human.
"What the fuck?! Another one?" asked Pauline.
"Get the hell outta there, you little shit!" hissed Frodo. Damn, thought Andrea, He learned pretty fuckin' fast....
"Awww, don't worry! It's only an animatronic. You know, a robot?" stated Pauline as she walked closer toward the meanacing figure. The ringwraith was having trouble dismounting, because for every step Pauline took, the horse was walking backwards for two steps. Finally he got off his reluctant horse, and faced the impudent little mortal grinning at him like an ass and the other people trying to hide in the bushes. Andrea cautiously walked behind the ringwraith and lifted up his tunic.
"*Nice* ass... Pauline, come back here and help me find the switch to turn this guy off. He's scaring the hobbits and we have to go soon." Andrea called to Pauline.
"Really? Dude, you really need a boyfriend...." commented Pauline," Ok, I'll try and find the switch. I don't think it's in the back though...that's the obvious place to put it."
"Well, check the front for me, then, dammnit!" Andrea grumbled. The effects of the Red Bull were wearing off, and she was getting pissed. Pauline shrugged and started poking the now confused ringwraith in the belly. By this time, the horse had done the smart thing and ran away. The ringwraith was going to wish very soon that he had escaped with his mount......
"Yo, Pauline! Did you bring any Red Bull with you? I'm running out of fuel," Andrea asked.
"Why, indeed I didn't," announced Pauline. Andrea decides to abandon the search of the ringwraith switch and search for the door to get back to her own world. Suddenly, out the corner of her eye (she wouldn't have seen this if she was hyper), she saw a shimmering hole of light. Andrea walked towards it and stuck her hand through. It disappeared.
"Cool!" Andrea whispered. She climbed back to her world, grabbed a 12 pack of Red Bull and 2 big bottles of Dr. Pepper. Andrea then scratched Ricky behind his ears and left again. Ricky looked up, saw nothing and thought he had imagined it. When Andrea was coming back, her arm hit something. She turned around and saw that the shimmering hole of light had disappeared. Andrea shrugged and walked away.
"Pauline! I went! I saw! I came back with hyper fuel!" Andrea shouted.
"Sweet! Can't wait to paarrrrrtay!" Pauline called back. She was still poking the ringwraith who now started scratching his head with his sword. The hobbits were still hiding in the shrubbery, praying that the end would be quick and painless. Then something dawned on the slow- working brain of Pauline.
"You went through the......" Pauline started, "where is it now?"
"Ah, well, you see, a funny thing happened," Andrea explained,"It sorta..just....um, vanished?"
"Oh, ok," then it hit Pauline, "OH SHIT! Andrea!!!!!!! We won't be able to go back! At least not until this fruitin' quest thingy is over! DAMNIT!" she shouted at the Ringwraith, "Plus, you don't even have a stupid off switch, Bizzzatch!"
"Well,......... at least we'll make new friends here. It might actually be fun," Andrea replied, hopefully, "And Pauline, I don't think this guy is an animatronic. He might be real....."
"What the *hell* are you talking about, Andrea?"asked Pauline, "There is no such thing as a ringwraith in the real world!" she snorted and kept poking the poor ringwraith in the belly.
"Actually, he's an undead king who was tempted and then killed by the power of a magical ring. There are about nine in all. Try and count them," explained Frodo. Both girls turn around and saw all nine ringwraiths together.
"Gotta catch'em all! Gotta catch'em all! POKEMON!" shouted Andrea. She already had gulped down her second Red Bull. Pauline shouted at the same time:
"Collect the whole set!" she didn't need any Red Bull. She was crazy enough as it was. Andrea, however, was getting pretty pissed off at the uninvited guests and was ready to open a can of tae-kwon-do whoopass on them. Pauline, seeing their disadvantage of being outnumbered, grabbed Andrea and shoved the scared hobbits in front of her and they all beat a hasty retreat to the Brandywine River. As the company was running for their lives, the ringwraiths urged their horses on; however, they refused because of a ceratin member of the party who was running away was the bane of their undead, evil, horsey lives. Finally, the horses got a move on, but it was too late. The group had reached the ferry and were already quickly on their way to Bree. The horses grumbled betwixt themselves at having to run an extra 20 miles upriver to the bridge.
Chapter 3
"Hey, what's this river called again?" asked Andrea as they paddled to the other side. "It's called the Brandywine River," said Sam. "Dude......so you mean it's brandy and wine mixed together?" Pauline asked, earnestly. "Uh....no I don't believe that it does. I think that it tastes of just water." Merry explained. "Well, I'm going to test it for myself," Andrea said, dipping her hand into the river. "Hmmmm.....I'm not an expert on brandy but I am of wine and this is one of the best tasting wines I have ever tried. Taste it Pauline." Pauline took a sip and then smiled. Three minutes later, Pauline and Andrea started singing "On TOP of spaGHETTI all COVered in CHEESE, I LOST my poor MEATball when SOMEbody SNEEZED!......." while the hobbits began to become a little afraid. When they got to the other side, it started to rain. Fortunately for the poor hobbits, the rain sobered up the two girls, and they experienced their first hangovers.
Andrea, Pauline, and the hobbits ran through the pouring rain after getting off the ferry; sneezing (intermixed with cursing) all the way to the gates of Bree (Wheeeeee!). After receiving the third degree from the old fart that guarded the gates, the odd group entered the Prancing Pony where Frodo was supposed to meet Gandalf. (Author's note #1: One of our friends saw the 'real' movie and thought it said "Drowning Pony." So, from now on, it's going to be called the "Drowning Pony.") The hobbits went straight to the bar where they ordered half pints (Merry ordered a pint which caused Pippin to jump up in jealousy to get his own while Sam protested). The girls slid slowly to the bar, and started ordering their drinks.
"Hmm...I would like to order a bottle of Smirnoff Triple Black and my friend would like a non-alcoholic Pina Colada." Andrea said, confidently. The bartender looked at her and then at Pauline, funnily and then, thinking it was a joke, just laughed at them.
"All we sell here is beer, beer, and more beer," the bartender chuckled away. "Well, then we will just provide our own drinks, thank you." Pauline said, guiding Andrea away who was looking dumbstruck at the bartender.
"Don't worry Andrea. Don't forget we have Red Bull and Vanilla Coke. And since I drank one can of the Red Bull, I filled that with the brandywine. You can have that can because I know you will enjoy it more than I will." Pauline put her hand on Andrea's shoulder and looked into her eyes. "Pauline, that is probably the most nicest thing you have said to me since we started this trip. Thank you, I will enjoy it." Andrea said, gratefully. "Yeah, whatever, you know more about wines than I do and I would just throw most of it up anyway. So have fun." Pauline said while hiccupping and started heading towards where the hobbits had just sat down. (Author's note #2: Pauline regularly gets the most wicked cases of hiccups that God ever gave to man. Nobody knows just exactly what she did to piss God off so badly, and she isn't telling.)
"Frodo, that man hasn't stopped looking at you since we arrived," Sam muttered to Frodo, pointing out a tall dark stranger with hooded cape across the room. "And he hasn't stopped looking at Andrea either," giggled Pauline. "Shut up, Pauline," Andrea said in her British accent. (Author's note #3: Ever since Andrea returned from England after vacations, she's always had this thick English accent for at least 4 months afterwards.)
CHAPTER 4
After a while, the (highly intoxicated) hobbits and girls decided that they were bushed. Pauline, still hiccupping, suggested that they rent a room. While Andrea haggled with the bartender, Pauline (yes, still hiccupping) and the hobbits disappeared because their attention spans were as long as an inchworm. Andrea looked around after failing to negotiate and couldn't find her group; apparently, bartenders here don't know the value of good Red Bull. While Andrea looked around frantically for the group, the tall dark stranger walked over to her and whispered in her ear.
"Your friends are safe. Follow me." Andrea quickly turned around but lost him. She looked at the bartender who nodded in the upstairs direction. Andrea walked cautiously towards the stairs. For Andrea, this all happened in slow-mo. She finally reached the stairs when, out of the blue, the tall dark stranger pulled her into a corridor.
"I said follow me, not go to up the stairs and wait for me to never come," the tall dark stranger said to Andrea. Andrea brushed his hand off him. She looked around and realized that the four hobbits, sorry five including Pauline, were all sitting around him on the floor looking up at them. (Author's Note #4: Pauline is another name for "Paulus" which means "small". So, that is why she can become a hobbit. At least, in Andrea's hyper eyes.) Pauline was smiling and winking at her. Andrea shook her smiles away and concentrated on looking at the tall dark stranger.
"You know, I can't keep calling you tall dark stranger in my head, so what's your real name?" Andrea looked at him earnestly.
"Not now. We have to get upstairs and get to sleep. We have a long journey tomorrow. Follow me. And don't get lost." The tall dark stranger looked at Andrea.
"Sorrrrry." Andrea said, sarcastically. "Wait........................what journey? Where are we going? Why are we going? Who is going with us? How are we getti-," by this time, the five hobbits (yes, Pauline is one of them now) had whacked her over the head with a beer mug and proceeded to drag her through the street. The tall, dark stranger was walking as far ahead of them as possible, trying not to be associated with these...well, idiots.
The Ringwraiths finally caught up to the hobbits and their new friends and, while their horses waited outside, (wheezing and coughing in the rain, plotting a mutiny soon if they didn't get better healthcare coverage and hours) the Ringwraiths walked into the Prancing Pony. They quickly ran up the stairs, with two of them tripping. (Yes, tripping. They were on crack.) They reached the hobbit's bedroom and each one went up to a single bed, with a sword in their hands. They all looked at each other and they were about to throw the swords into the beings in the beds when one of the ringwraiths shrieked at them. (Author's note #5: We'll translate their shrieks.)
"Wait. Let's count to three. One...two..."
"Wait. On three or after three?" Ringwraith #2 asked.
"After three, idiot." Ringwraith #1 said.
"Ok. Just wanted to make that clear. I know that I had that question and I bet a few others did too." Five of the other ringwraiths nodded.
"Well, it's after threee, ok? Now, one...two....three." All of the ringwraiths stabbed the beds.
"You know what? I think they lost some weight. They're like pillows!! Wait.........they're not here at all." Ringwraith #2 said, ripping back the bedding from his assigned bed.
"And you know what? We spent precise time deciding when to stab bedding when we could be looking for them now." Ringwraith #1 shrieked.
"Well, at least the horses had a rest." Ringwraith #3 said. The ringwraiths started walking down the stairs.
"You always were the animal lover, weren't you?" Rinagwraith #1 sneered, and promptly ran into the doorframe. (These mofos are like, NINE frickin' feet tall! And last I saw, normal people stop at 6 feet, so they have to duck their heads. Hobbits top at 3 feet. Just in case you were wondering. Now, keep reading!)
All of a sudden, Pippin woke up and walked over to the window. He saw the Ringwraiths ride away before he quickly opened the window and puked all over the walkway down on the road.
"Pippin, be careful. I think you drank too much. Come. Lie down again." Tall Dark Stranger said, while he guided Pippin back to bed.
"Tall Dark Stranger, we still don't know your name. Can you tell us now so that Andrea can have a proper dream about you?" Pauline asked. Andrea immediately punched her. Tall Dark Stranger smile and uncovered his head.
"I guess I should tell you now. My name is..."
"Oh my gosh!!! It's ARAGON!!!!!!!!!" Pauline and Andrea shouted together. Everyone turned to face them. Andrea looked happy while Pauline was excited because, duh, that meant that she'd meet Legolas soon. ("Hot Dog!"~Pauline)
"How did you know my name?" Aragon asked, looking at them bizarrely.
"Uh......it's a very common name...isn't it? Right, Pauline?" Andrea made up. Pauline, however, was plotting on how to kidn......uh...meet Legolas; she wasn't listening. Thank goodness for Andrea, Aragon believed her.
"Well, everyone should get some more sleep. We have a long day tomorrow." Aragon sat back down into his chair.
"Are you going to sleep?" Andrea asked, smiling.
"I'll wait until the ringwraiths have gone a bit farther." Aragon answered, smoking his pipe.
"Oh, ok. Well, good night." Andrea said, laying down next to his chair.
"Oh, by the way, we have to get you some better clothes for tomorrow's journey. When you wake up, they will be waiting for you. So, goodnight." Aragon said. But Andrea had already fallen asleep on Aragon's feet.
"What a strange little human. This is going to be an interesting trip." Aragon sighed to himself as Pauline screamed in her sleep "THE OLD HAAAAAGGG!!! THE OLD HAG!!!!!! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhHAAaah!!!!" (Where did the old hag come from? Well, you'll just have to ask Pauline. She won't tell you, though, you looser. Go read Excel Saga and find out. Ha. HHahahahaHAHAHAH. HAHAHa..HA....*hack*...HAHAH *wheeze*.....ha.)