He didn't know why he let go he didn't know why he wasn't dead wasn't this supposed to be gone why did he still exist?
And then
Of course, his magic was still keeping him alive even now—unconsciously
And yet he couldn't bring himself to fix it, some part of him viscerally rebelled against the thought, it wasn't really like jumping off a building, it was more like drowning
You had to try not to swim.
And he couldn't even kill himself, the irony was astounding, he had failed at everything, even death. He had failed, and yet he was still alive because
He could never do anything right never be good enough and even now
He couldn't do it. He just—couldn't.
Ever time he got close he would—fall back like—laughing—because look, see,
He couldn't remember
Why couldn't he remember
But it was important, it was darkly ironic, because it meant he had failed. He had no choice to fail, because that was the only end, whatever he did. No choice to fall.
He had let go in an instant. He didn't regret it, couldn't regret it, not when he still wished to die but
He shouldn't have done it. [loki, no] he had to have done it.
It wasn't like sleeping. Whatever death was, if this was death, if death was ever going to come for him, if this was anything like what he'd imagined falling to be, not falling asleep. No. falling asleep was not safe from monsters either, and what if he was the monster in his own dream?
Then where would he hide?
It was not like that. It was too much to be an absence. Too much cold, even as he refused to believe
Too much heat, as he fell past—were those stars? And colors, all clamoring for his attention, but yes, it was very silent, very…
Lonely.
He had never minded being alone before. He always had his thoughts for company. Though as he watched thor ride off with the others laughing from a window he felt like a shadow hidden
He had always been able to amuse himself. With his mind but what of now?
Now when all he wanted was to separate from himself? Was that not what death was for? And yet even that was denied him. And even thor—even thor
Why even thor
Where are you I'm lonely
Please
He closed his eyes. Maybe if I close my eyes it will go away
[I will protect you]
where had he heard that before? Or had he heard that? Or had he only dreamed it? And every time he thought his thoughts he thought round relentlessly snagging on the edge of the bifrost that thor broke
thor, you unutterable fool
he thought maybe he had not remembered it correctly because in his memory thor was so desperately scared
and thor was never scared, no never even nervous remember? Not thor why would he be scared for loki why would his anguished scream it echoed through his mind it did
not make
sense
and he was so, so glad to rip his heart apart like that but it was impossible because he had never been wanted, not even at the end, after all he did for them Odin had rejected him, not his father, never his father, he had no father
surely thor did not grieve for him
and yet he wanted thor to grieve for him. But. what if it was a lie?
He thought he knew lies, took upon himself the name of master of lies, because words did his bidding, he spun tapestries with his eyes, and yet he had never known he was born of a lie himself of course
It explained everything
Why he was never good enough, why thor
Never
Looked at him the way odin never looked at him frigga sif fandralhogunvolstagg Asgard
Never looked at him the way he looked at him, with such awe and love because
[I never wanted the throne] because of course he could never be thor's equal, he was a monster, and they had all known it.
Some part of them had known it.
And yet Odin thought he could tame the monster under the bed? Did he? Did he think by bringing it into his household by lavishing gifts upon it setting it by his own son he could make up for his own atrocities
Because if he had only known, it would have all made sense, why he was never good enough
And then maybe it would not have hurt
So
Much
It did not hurt. That was a lie. He laughed and opened his eyes. The stars were before him and he felt himself tumbling—free-fall—down and up
And up again.
It did not hurt. He told himself that and it felt good
Because he had already failed utterly, failed everything well he couldn't fail more than that could he? And he had nothing, which made him free, because
He had never been wanted, always there, making mischief, making chaos
Never wanted but what about thor? Even the care in his eyes was nothing more than
Thor you cannot believe
Me. You tossed me into an abyss [and he had nothing left, and everything]
And of course that face was only imagined
Because now he remembered clearly
Holding onto the staff, and thor
Reaching down
And touched his fingers his hand and uncurled his fingers from the staff and he said [it's okay] or perhaps he said [no]
and he lost his grip and thor. Watched him fall.
because
[you are not my brother. You never were.]
I'm sorry.