Author's Note: This story needs to be read after you've read the EHS epilogue; it won't make any sense to you otherwise!
This one is dedicated to Lynn and her wife Valarie. In the epilogue, I intentionally left a hole. Here is the dirt that fills it.
I may have just referred to my writing as dirt… hmm.
Anyways, enjoy!
By the way, nothing in here is made to offend the personal or religious view of anyone. Please, keep an open mind and understand that this is simply a fiction story created for your pleasure.
Don't forget to follow me to be alerted when I post another one-shot. I have a few more ideas, and I am always open to more.
-GerdyGertha
P.S. I've added dates to my one-shots to better help you understand the 'when' of the story. I hope it makes sense. (EHS takes place in 4200-4201 and the epilogue is the year 4211. If you ever have questions or need clarification, don't hesitate to ask!)
Hope
An Erudite High School One-Shot
Lynn
Sunday, November 10th, 4211
"We're going to take off," I tell everyone. "Val's got a doctor's appointment."
Marlene's eyebrows peak in concern. "Everything okay?"
Valarie chuckles in an attempt to make it seem like everything is normal. "I'm fine, just a check-up."
"Okay," Marlene says, though she doesn't seem convinced.
Valarie and I stand up from the table and I take our car keys out of Valarie's purse. "We'll see you all Tuesday." Everybody says goodbye and then we go to our car.
I pull the car into a spot near the door in the clinic's parking garage and then kill the engine. It's pretty empty, since it's Sunday, but the Family Health center is always open and operating.
"Ready?" Valarie asks. I take her hand in mine and look into her beautiful dark green eyes.
"It doesn't matter what happens today," I say aloud, although I'm unsure if I'm trying to convince her or myself.
"Right," she nods. "Either way, we'll have a family. Maybe not today, but eventually."
"Eventually." We both take a deep breath before we get out of the car and go inside to the elevator.
All of our friends know that we are trying to adopt, but they don't know that we're also trying to get pregnant. Valarie and I went through a fertilization doctor who gave us sperm donor profiles to go through. We finally found one we liked and decided that Valarie would carry the baby. She's a healthier than I am, and she wants to carry a baby - unlike me.
We get off the elevator on the Family Health and Wellness floor and walk into the fertility wing. We check in with the desk nurse and then sit in the waiting room.
A month ago, the fertilization procedure took place, and now it's time to see if it worked.
"Valarie and Lynn Thompson-Philips?" a nurse reads off a clipboard aloud. Valarie and I stand and she smiles warmly at us. "Hello, right this way."
We follow her into an exam room. She asks Valarie to change into the gown while she waits outside. I help Valarie tie the back of the gown and then I bring the nurse back in.
"My name is Patty," she says, holding out her hand for us to shake. "So today we're going to run some basic pregnancy tests to see if the fertilization was successful." She asks a million and one questions about Valarie's diet, physical demands and activities, any symptoms, about her sleep, her fluid intake, and even more. Finally, she tells us that Dr. Newland will be in soon.
The nurse leaves the room and Valarie fiddles around with the hem of her hospital gown. "Nervous?" I ask.
She takes a deep breath and nods. "I'm just praying this works."
"Me too. But if it doesn't, it won't be the end of the world. Like you said at the park, there are a lot of kids that need to be adopted."
She nods again. "I just think it'd be so wonderful if we could have our own."
My gut drops just a bit. Since Valarie is the one who will carry the baby, it will have her DNA and none of mine. There are more complicated procedures to combine our DNA, but we simply can't afford them. In fact, we used up the rest of what we could of our savings for this procedure, so if it doesn't work, adoption is truly our only option.
"Yeah, I know."
With that, the doctor walks in. "Valarie, Lynn, good to see you again," she says. "I know you both must be very anxious, so we're just going to jump right in."
"Okay," Valarie breathes out. I take her shaking hand as Dr. Newland flips through her papers.
"Alright, so we're going to start with urine and blood samples." She reaches into a cabinet and retrieves a clear plastic cup with a white lid."There is a small bathroom across the hall, you only need to fill the cup to this line here. When you're done, I'll send it to the lab along with a blood sample." For some reason, I find it a tad bit strange that the doctor is doing these two basic tests. At Valarie's last appointment, the doctor only did the physical exam and the nurse did the urine and blood tests. I force myself to think that there is nothing to it, and instead assume that the doctor just wants the most thorough results possible.
Valarie takes the cup and exits the room, leaving me alone with Dr. Newland. "What do we know right now?" I ask her.
She hesitates a moment before she looks up from her papers. "Without running the samples through the lab, we don't know anything for sure. I'm going to do a physical examination while we wait for the tests as well."
"What are the odds that she is pregnant?"
"Well, every patient is different, but this particular procedure has an eighty percent success rate, so her chances are pretty good. Especially because she is so healthy and takes great care of her nutrition."
I smile. "She does. She is always trying to get me to eat her strange organic food."
Dr. Newland laughs. "I believe it."
The door opens and Valarie walks in holding the cup filled to the line. She puts it in the hand of Dr. Newland before sitting down on the examination table again.
"Thank you," Dr. Newland says as she writes something on her papers. "Now, I'm going to do a blood test." She puts on some gloves and gets her supplies from the drawer.
It only takes her a minute to fill a vial with Valarie's blood. When she is done, she disappears for a minute with the cup and the vial.
She comes back empty handed. "Alright, those are off to the lab and now we can begin the physical exam."
Dr. Newland goes through the physical exam as I've seen her do before. She is examining when suddenly a frown appears on her face.
"What's wrong?" Valarie blurts out.
Dr. Newland doesn't say anything - which to me, says everything. Valarie looks at me with panicked eyes and I stand up next to her and take her hand in both of mine.
Dr. Newland continues the examination with her alarming frown. "Doctor?"
"We won't know anything for sure until we get the tests back."
"But?"
"But I don't feel anything," she says. She removes her hands from under the blanket covering Valarie as well as her gloves.
"What-what does that mean?" Valarie asks, her voice shaking. She lowers her legs and Dr. Newland rises up the table into a more comfortable sitting position for Valarie.
"I'm going to go see if the lab has your test results," she says before quickly exiting the room.
Valarie and I just stare at each other - shocked, frightened, and worried.
"What if-" I start but Valarie shakes her head.
"We should wait for the tests."
"But-"
"Let's not jump to conclusions. We knew the risks before we started this."
I shake my head and sit down. "Why are you so calm?"
"Acceptance. I've accepted that this might not work." She sounds sure, but there is something in her eyes that isn't convincing me. I think she is just as scared as I am, but she is just better at hiding it.
I can feel my eyes water, but for the most part Valarie looks neutral. "How can you say that?"
"Because I can't let myself believe for even a second that if this doesn't work, that we won't ever have a family. We will, Lynn, just have a little faith."
I nod my head just as the door opens. Dr. Newland walks in holding a folded piece of paper. The piece of paper that contains the definition of our future.
She sits down and looks at us. "I am so sorry," she says quietly. "The fertilization was unsuccessful."
I'm not much of a crier. I can count the number of times I've really cried on one hand. And this is one of those times.
My body brings me to Valarie without command and I put my face in her lap and cry. I can feel her body shaking under me, but I just let her wrap her arms around me. I hear her talking to the doctor, but I'm not listening.
I stupidly created a picture of a little baby boy with green eyes and dark hair. I pictured all the ways we'd comfort him when he cried. I pictured the way we'd decorate a nursery for him. I pictured the way he'd grow up to look. I pictured all of our holidays together. I pictured all of the birthdays. I pictured a perfectly beautiful little family.
I can't hear what they're saying, all I can feel is the pain in my stomach and my heart. I cling to Valarie. Part of me is angry at the doctor, but the rational part of me knows that it isn't her fault. It's nobody's fault.
I don't know how much time passes before I realize that I'm no longer crying and that my neck is sore. I sit up and see that the doctor is no longer in the room and I find Valarie's head tilted towards the ceiling. She hates to cry - says it makes her feel weak. I agree, but I couldn't hold it back. Not today.
"The most wonderful thing that ever happened never really happened," she whispers in a shaky voice. "I thought we had this beautiful thing, but we don't. It's not real. It never was."
Her optimistic light from earlier seems to have burned out now. She sits, staring up at the ceiling tiles with silent tears falling from the corners of her eyes. "Everything is just... gone."
Something in me finally wakes up and realizes that she is in shock. I stand up. "Valarie." She doesn't answer, just continues to mumble. "Valarie."
I very gently tilt her head so she is face to face with me. A constant flow of silent tears flows down her cheeks. "Valarie, listen to me. Do you hear me?"
"There's no baby. Everything is gone. Nothing. Never."
"Valarie, listen to me. Everything is not gone. All is not lost."
Suddenly her eyes seem to focus on mine. "I'm sorry," she says. "I ruined it for us."
"It's not your fault," I tell her. "It is nobody's fault."
"I should have tried harder," she says. "Taken more vitamins, I don't know."
"Valarie," I say as her eyes go out of focus again. "We'll adopt, it's okay. You're okay, I'm okay," I tell her.
"You don't hate me?"
"I could never hate you," I say. "I love you and it is okay that it didn't work. We knew the risks before we started this," I say, using her words.
She stands suddenly. "Help me get dressed."
"Val,"
"I want to get the hell out of this place," she says, undoing the ties on her gown. The robe falls and I hand Valarie her clothes. "I never want to come back here again."
I let her rant as she dresses. She grabs her purse and we leave the exam room.
As we are walking out, Dr. Newland stops us. "I am so sorry that the procedure didn't work. I want you to know that there are other things we can try. We can do a-"
"Stop," I say, cutting her off. "We're just going to go home and wait for a call from the adoption agency."
Valarie and I walk past the doctor without another word. We go to the car and leave the parking garage without speaking.
When we get home, we both immediately change into pajamas and find ourselves cuddled up on the couch.
We spend the rest of our night eating junk food and drinking tequila, and silently mourning the loss of the baby who we never really had.
Tuesday, November 12, 4211
"Valarie, we're supposed to meet everybody at Amelia's in twenty minutes," I say, coming into our bedroom where Valarie lays curled up in bed.
"Just go without me," she mumbles, not turning over to face me.
I sit down on the edge of the bed. "Please, Val." I place my hand gently on her shoulder. "I'm sure everybody wants to see you too."
She moves slightly so my hand drops. "Goodbye, Lynn."
I sigh and stand up from the bed. I truly have no idea what to do. She didn't go to work yesterday or today, which is very unusual for her. Valarie loves her job and she hates to miss it.
"Call me if you need anything, okay?" I wait for her to say something, but she doesn't. It's about a fifteen minute drive to the restaurant, so I leave. I hate myself as soon as I step out of the door.
"Where's Val?" Marlene asks as I sit down next to her.
I sigh and shake my head. "Is she okay?" Tris asks, concern crossing her features. The look quickly takes over everybody else's expressions as they wait for me to respond.
"Look, I don't know if she'd like me telling you all this, but no, she is not okay. The past couple of months, we've been meeting with a fertility doctor," I say.
They look surprised, but not disbelieving. "What did they say?" Marlene asks.
"Valarie had a procedure, an attempt to fertilize. We went in on Sunday to see if she was pregnant, but it didn't work."
"Oh no, Lynn I'm so sorry," Tris says. I look at Theo and TJ playing with their crayons between Four and Tris and hot white pain sears through me. I want that.
"It's okay," I say, attempting to fake a healed smile. "We're on the adoption wait list, so we still have that option."
"How is Val doing with it?" Marlene asks.
I towards her and watch as Uriah teaches Adam how to play Tic-Tac-Toe. "She is really disappointed. I wish she would have come, but she just couldn't. This really upset her. I am upset too, but I think it's different for her. I think she blames herself."
"She must know it's not her fault," Tris says. I look towards Tris but all I see is Bethany cradled in her arms. I understand why Valarie didn't want to come tonight.
Three Months Later - Wednesday, February 19th, 4212
I step inside the apartment and find Valarie already home. She sits on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table and a large mug of coffee in her hands.
"Hey," I say. I kiss her cheek from behind the couch.
"Hey," she says, giving me a wide smile. I smile too when I see that hers doesn't look quite as forced as it has lately. "How was your day?"
"I assisted four cavities, three root canals, and then a single plain ol' cleaning," I laugh, sitting down next to her. "How was your day?"
"I had a wonderful day," she says happily. "A little boy who has been bouncing from home to home for the past four years was placed today. I've been working with him for five years and I have never seen him smile so big."
"Ben?"
"Yes!"
"Oh I love him," I say honestly. I meet her 'clients' every now and again. She doesn't call them that, instead she refers to them as her 'kids', because that's what they are.
"He was placed with a couple who lost their baby when it was just two months old. They have been looking to adopt since then. They are so wonderful. The mother is a second grade teacher and the father teaches law at the University. Lovely people who fell in love with Ben as soon as they met him."
"That's amazing."
"It is," she says. She gives me the best smile I have seen in three months. "It really is."
Five months later - Sunday, April 12th, 4212
"LYNN!" I'm awoken by Valarie screaming my name and jumping on the bed like a child.
"Jesus, Valarie," I groan, rolling over.
"Wake up, Lynn!"
"What time is it?"
"It's seven in the morning!"
Seriously? "Val, I love you, but it's Sunday. Please let me sleep."
"No! Get up!" I groan and cover my head with Valarie's pillow. Valarie rips it off of me and then rips away the one from under my head.
"Hey!"
"Get up!" she demands.
"Fine," I huff. I sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. I stand up and look at her expectantly. "Happy?"
"Yes! Now, guess who called ten minutes ago!"
I rub my hand over my face. "I don't know. The President?"
"No! It's better," she says excitedly. "Guess!"
"I don't know, Val. It's too early for this."
"Lucy!"
I freeze mid-yawn. "Lucy? Lucy? Social worker Lucy?"
Valarie nods enthusiastically. "Yep! Social worker Lucy!"
"What did she say?" I ask, becoming excited. Lucy Gastu has been handling our case for adoption.
"I don't know, the phone woke me up but I got to it too late."
"Well let's call her back!"
Valarie rolls her eyes. "No kidding, why do you think I've been trying to wake you up?"
"Val! Come on!" I say, gesturing wildly to the phone in her hands.
"Okay, okay," she mumbles as she dials.
She puts the phone on speaker phone. "Hello?"
"Lucy, it's Valarie and Lynn."
"Hello, ladies! I have the most incredible news! A baby boy was born last night at eleven and he is in desperate need of two parents who will love him forever." I'm pretty sure we both stopped breathing over a minute ago. "Will you be his new mommies?"
Valarie starts making a bizarre, joyous, squealing noise and I can't help it I start jumping up and down like a crazy person. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" We're both screaming and Lucy could be talking but we aren't hearing her.
A minute later, we calm down enough to behave like normal, sane people. "When can we meet him?"
"How soon can you be at Chicago General?"
"Faster than we can name him."
Author's Note: Let me know what you thought of this one. I realize it was cheesy, but I'm a cheesy person, so hey! If you've read EHS, you already know that.
Love you guys, I hope to see you again soon.
-GerdyGertha