The Grief Response
"You don't have to do it…"
Matt stared down at the ground. He lit a cigarette, but didn't place it in his mouth.
"Yes, Matt, I do."
Mello's sapphire eyes looked at his un-eaten chocolate bar.
The steady sound of rain hitting the windowpane pierced the silence like an arrow. Lightning crackled through the sky, making the lights flicker, unnoticed by either of the boys.
Matt crushed his now completely burnt out cigarette into the ashtray lying on the table between them.
"Mello…"
"No. Don't even think about it."
Mello slammed his chocolate bar onto the table and raised his cerulean eyes to meet Matt's.
"You know what's going to happen, right?" Matt asked, looking away.
"Yes. I need to do it. It needs to be done."
Matt looked at Mello to see his favorite smile. It was supposed to be reassuring. It wasn't.
"Why do you need to die alone?"
Step 1: DENIAL
'Matt can't be dead. He just can't be. He's going to stand up, take a deep drag of that rolled up cancer of his and smile at the news camera.'
Mello's foot pressed slightly harder on the gas pedal of the delivery truck he was driving.
'He's going to get up and drive his fucked up car out of there, maybe running over a few of those bastards in the process.'
Mello shifted his eyes to the rearview mirror. She was being too quiet back there.
'Oh well…' He turned back to the empty road ahead of him.
'It's not possible…He promised…'
"No. You're not going to give up your life." Mello's eyes flared as he looked at Matt.
Matt just shrugged. "If you're going to do it, then-"
"I don't give a crap. You are not going to go and risk your life like an idiot. I repeat, you are not going to die!"
Matt gave a sad excuse for a smile. "But-"
"No, Matt. Promise me you're not going to die!"
"I can't Mel…" Matt's smile saddened.
Mello went over to him and put his hand on Matt's shoulder.
"At least promise me you'll try."
Matt's smile faded. "I promise." The rain was really coming down, leaving long streaks on the window, obscuring their view to the world outside.
Almost as if the sky was crying.
Step 2: EMOTIONAL RELEASE
A tear slid down Mello's scarred cheek. 'It can't be…'
With one hand holding the steering wheel steady, he clutched the cross that encircled his neck as if his life depended on it.
'No…Matt…'
"If everything goes as planned, I'm not going to die." Matt said. He suppressed the urge to pick up his videogame and escape into its virtual world, which is what he normally did when he felt like there was nothing more he could do.
"Good, because if you die, I swear, I'm going to bring you back from the dead and kill you myself."
Matt laughed. "Sure, Mel…sure."
Step 3: ANGER
Mello's hands tightened considerably on the wheel, his knuckles white with fury.
'He's not dead. He's not fucking dead! I swear, if he doesn't fucking get up now, I'm going to kill him and all of those fucking people around him!!'
Mello, teeth grinding, glared at the darkening sky in the distance.
Matt, still chuckling, got up from his chair. "So, when are we going to do this shit?"
"Tomorrow, around ten thirty in the morning." Mello answered. He, too, got up from his chair. "I still don't see why you have to go, too."
Matt grinned. "You'll need a distraction!" His grin widened and he pointed as his own chest with his thumb. "And I'm the perfect man for the job!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just get some sleep, okay? You'll need all the energy you can get tomorrow."
Mello's eyes seemed sad. Haunted.
Step 4: BARGAINING
He heard a whimper from the back of the truck.
Mello reached back and slammed on the thin sheet metal that separated him from the cause of his fate. "Shut the hell up back there!" When she was silent, his hand returned to his cross.
'God…please. I'll do anything. Just, please, please bring him back. I know I ask for a lot of things, but take me seriously in this. I will give my own life. Please let Matt be alive.'
His eyes trailed sadly to the TV that he had connected to the dashboard.
"The man who is believed to be connected to the kidnapper of Takada Kiyomi has been shot down…"
'Please be alive…'
"Mello, what's wrong?" Matt grabbed Mello's arm, halting the blonde on his trek to his room.
"Matt…" Mello opened his mouth to say more, but no words escaped. "…I'll see you in the morning."
Matt smiled wanly and let go of Mello's arm. "Yeah." He ruffled Mello's golden hair lightly before turning to go to his own room. "I'll see you in the morning."
Step 5: DEPRESSION
'I could have done something.' Mello's eyes clouded with emotion, their blue color consumed like the sky by the oncoming storm. He refused to let the tears fall again.
'I could have stopped him from going…'
A voice crackled onto the TV.
"The reports are in. The man who was shot down has been officially declared dead. Though his identity is still unknown, it is said that-"
Mello whipped out with his fist, catching the small TV and ripping it off of the dashboard with a crunch. He didn't want to hear it. Not now.
'God, help me, please…'
Mello woke up slowly, not wanting to rid himself of the warm embrace of the sheets.
But he had to get up. He blinked, looking around. It was quiet…way too quiet. He got up off of his mattress with a stealth that even he didn't know he possessed.
"Matt?" Mello called quietly. Normally, Matt was up playing his Playstation 2 on their TV, the sounds of his game resonating off of their bare walls.
But the TV was off. Everything was eerily quiet.
There was a light on in the kitchen, a bright contrast to the darkness of the other rooms.
Not taking any chances, Mello raised his gun and walked in.
"Good morning!" Matt sat in the kitchen, his goggles hanging around his neck.
"Matt, you fucker. I almost shot you!" Mello put his gun in its prospective place and sat down across the table from Matt.
"Want some chocolate?" Matt held out a chocolate bar that Mello just realized he had been eating.
"Developing a chocolate craving, are we?" Mello asked, smiling.
"Nah…just trying to see why you like it so much." Matt made a face and put the bar on the table, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.
"Give me that…"
Matt blinked when Mello breathed in through the "rolled up cancer" as Mello called it, and quickly let out the smoke from his lungs with a cough.
"What the-" Cough. "Hell, Matt? How can you constantly be using these things?!" Mello made a disgusted face as he put out the cigarette in the over-flowing ashtray.
Matt burst out laughing. Mello joined in, occasionally coughing, making them laugh harder.
Step 6: REMORSE
The clouds completely covered the sky, blocking out the sun.
Mello gazed solemnly at the sky for a second, wishing for the sun to warm everything up; for the world to be bright again.
But Matt was gone.
Mello could feel the shape of his cross being imbedded into the palm of his hand.
"Matt…my Matt…I'm so sorry."
Mello pushed his foot further down, the gas pedal now reaching the floor. The landscape around the truck was reduced to a blur.
He talked out loud, as if Matt was sitting in the passenger's seat next to him and could reassure him that everything was all right now. That he wasn't alone.
Mello looked over, wishing.
But the seat remained empty.
Unexpressed emotions made Mello's throat feel tight, made it hard to breathe.
"I'm so sorry…you weren't supposed to die. You weren't supposed to leave me, damn it!" The words sounded strangled by the tears threatening to escape.
He heard a rustle of movement behind him.
Mello took a deep breath and focused on the stretch of road in front of him.
'Forgive me, Matt.'
He watched a church rise over the horizon. "Takada…" he said.
A smooth, feminine voice answered back. "Hello, Mihael Keehl."
Matt and Mello got up from the kitchen and walked over to the door.
"It's ten o'clock…" Mello said, somewhat reluctantly.
"Do you know where your children are?" Matt grinned, knowing Mello couldn't help laughing at that.
"Hah, hah. Very funny…"
Matt blinked. Okay…Mello normally punches him or something for a comment like that in this situation, and then starts laughing. But there Mello stood, as impassive as can be.
Something had to be done.
Mello was startled out of his trance when Matt shoved his half-eaten chocolate bar to Mello's chest.
"Here, you can have the rest of this nauseating, over-sweet crap." Matt smiled.
Mello shook his head and pressed it back into Matt's grasp. "You keep it."
Matt thought for a second. "Thanks, Mel." He rummaged through one of his pockets.
"Here."
Mello took what he held out. It was a crumpled up cigarette. He had to let out a laugh at that, so he did. "You know I'm not going to smoke this, right? Never again."
Matt shrugged. "You're not supposed to smoke it, dumbass."
Mello held up the cigarette for further inspection. "Why not? It's just a normal stick of rolled up cancer."
Matt turned his face away, slightly reddening. "It's kind of a good luck charm."
"Good luck? Dude, these things shorten your life span. They aren't lucky."
Matt shifted nervously. "Yeah, I know, but this was the only cigarette that I had with me when I found out you were still alive after your brainless explosion stunt." Matt turned his eyes to Mello's, green boring deep into blue. "It's lucky because I had it with me when you came back to me."
Mello's heart skipped a beat. "Matt…I…I…" He couldn't think of the right thing to say, so he sighed, placing the cigarette into the pocket in his vest, closest to his cross, near his heart.
"Thank you."
Step 7: ACCEPTANCE
"So. This is it." Mello said. When Takada didn't say anything, he continued. "How much time do I have left?"
"Fifteen seconds…fourteen…thirteen…"
'Damn.' Mello felt his heart start to ache.
He took a deep breath and swerved off the road, towards the fast-approaching church.
"Twelve...eleven…"
If he died in a church…
Maybe it would help him get to heaven.
To see Matt.
Mello started when Matt's arms encircled his shoulders.
"I really don't want you to die…" Matt whispered hoarsely, his head bowed into Mello's shoulder.
Mello wrapped his arms around the redhead's chest. "And I don't want you to die, either…"
Mello felt a tear hit his shoulder. "Matt…Matt…don't cry. Please don't cry…"
Matt's shoulders trembled slightly and he tightened his hold on Mello.
Mello felt another drop of moisture fall onto his shoulder. He, too, tightened the embrace, burying his face into Matt's chest. "Don't cry…"
Step 8: HOPE
Mello leaned against the steering wheel, his teeth grinding in pain, one hand clutching his heart, the other lying in a fist on the seat.
'Fuck, Matt…Matt…Why does it fucking hurt so much…?'
The pain.
Was it his death, threatening to consume him in a matter of milliseconds?
Or was it the heartache of losing the only person in his life that he really cared about?
The crash.
He hadn't felt it. All Mello could feel was the branding pain in his chest.
'Matt, help me…please…'
All of the sudden, the pain was gone.
Mello let go of his heart, letting his arm fall in his lap.
'Thank you…for everything…'
Mello lay still, limp as his fate extinguished the last of his life.
The hand that was clenched into a fist opened, revealing the cigarette that Matt had given him that morning.
Matt grabbed his keys out of his pocket and walked to his car parked on the street. He paused at the door, placing the smoke gun onto the center console through the open window. He brushed off his vest.
Matt blinked, looking down. Soaked into his vest there was a little bit of moisture. So Mello had been crying, as well.
Mello came out as well, walking to his motorcycle parked next to Matt's car. He strapped his helmet onto his head and lifted the visor to look at Matt.
They stood there in silence, looking at each other.
Matt opened the car door.
"Hey, Mel?"
"Yeah?"
Mello sat on his motorcycle, balancing it.
"I love you."
Mello turned to look at Matt and smiled.
"I love you, too."
Matt smiled back and slid smoothly into the driver's seat.
"Oh! And Mel?"
Mello released the kickstand and put his keys into the ignition.
"What, Matt?"
Matt turned on his car and put the chocolate bar, the one Mello had told him to keep, in the pocket of his vest.
"I'll see you later, okay?"
"Yeah."
Mello snapped his visor shut.
"I'll see you later."
EPILOGUE
The fire raged on, destroying everything within the church.
Outside, people gathered around, gaping at the horror looming in front of them, most of them reporters with their news cameras, shooting the spectacle for the whole world to see.
Only then did the clouds begin to break, water flooding onto the scene.
Almost as if the sky was crying.