say you'll be my nightingale
show: Young & the Restless
central character: Chloe Mitchell
summary: You could be my sanity. / Or, Chloe Mitchell reaching for equilibrium. KevinChloe undertones; BillyChloe undertones.
notes: Their dynamic intrigues me. I'm not writing this to prove a point or anything. I'm writing for myself, first and foremost, because as a friend on here told me, if you do something you love and expect recognition, it's made cheap. It's not honest. That being said, I'm writing because I necessarily don't lean toward these two being involved romantically, but they have history. They were married, and will always be connected as Delia's parents.
notes2: You have to wade through the Chlovin to get there. I don't like Chlovin anymore, but all ships I write are written fairly and honestly – level playing field. I won't bash one ship to put another in a better light. That pisses me off.
notes3: I will always believe that whatever Billy and Chloe's story is not over, even though I ship Villy hard and I believe that they have a history too rich and deep to let go of. But Chilly's dynamic makes me smile, somewhat.
notes4: I said this when writing Waking Up In Vegas in regards to Villy, and I'll say it here in regards to Chilly & Chlovin. I'm not about fanwars. I hate them. HATE. THEM. So, if you don't ship, remotely like these two couples or like Chloe herself, use your BACK browser and read something else. That's cool. I won't hold that against you.
notes5: Enjoy.
musical inspiration: "Nightingale" – Demi Lovato. Listen while you read if you want.
PART I
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Here's what Chloe realizes as she mentally prepares to circle the break-up, divorce circuit yet again: she has to get her shit together.
She's just angry she doesn't realize that sooner.
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It begins and ends with stealing.
Correction: for Chloe, it begins with stealing because of Robin Hood and the words PAST DUE that are stamped in red letters on every bill that arrives in the mailbox.
They're like neon lights – not that electricity is a luxury, anyway.
It ends somewhere between Chloe being trapped between two hookers with dollar store fishnet stockings, really bad lipstick, even worse make-up, and tragic outfits. Their boots are decent.
A big, drunk dude belts Amazing Grace and proceeds to puke two cells down from hers on the part about being a wretch. Chloe swears, unleashing the stream of expletives in her mind underneath her breath. They are only stopped by the back of her teeth when all Chloe wants to scream.
She curses Kevin, not the drunk guy in his vomit.
.
Chloe looks up Bonnie & Clyde on the internet.
The Bonnie and Clyde in the movies are endearing badasses with them against the world, under Hollywood's spotlights and glamour.
The real Bonnie and Clyde are ruthless criminals who rob banks, and leave a bloody path of murders in their wake. They're still madly in love with each other, so die together in a hail of gunfire when the crime spree stops and all they hear are the popping of bullets on a dirt road in 1934.
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No, Chloe resolves, she makes the big mistake of thinking that catsuit is sexy. It isn't. All she wants to do is set it on fire and watch the black plastic be twisted and mangled by flames until it's unrecognizable. Then, Chloe can erase that damn catsuit from her memory and try to forget that she put it on in the first place.
That catsuit is a colossal mistake – one of the worst she makes, actually. It's all her fault.
She can't be anyone's Bonnie Parker anymore, and she's stupid enough to think otherwise.
.
Chloe pulls her knees up to her chest on the floor of the jail, and doesn't sleep. She can't.
She puts all of her energy to pushing those hot angry tears back, and thinks of her daughter.
She can think of how Kevin leaves her in this shithole and breaks her heart, but they all break that particular part of her in one way or another. Chloe should be a pro at this, and ignore the really familiar ache that sits on her chest.
It's just her faith, trust and ultimately her heart shattering. Again.
.
There are two straws that break the camel that is her marriage with Kevin: the first is when Delia steals a doll from Brianna and lies to her about it. She's angry with Delia for lying to her, and sends her to bed with no dessert that night. First, it's a doll. Next, it'll be shoplifting as a teenager and then money from her trust and maybe a mug shot of her own.
As Delia's mother, Chloe cannot let that happen. She won't.
The second is more straight forward: Kevin's inability to realize that the stealing isn't fun anymore and the fact that he'd rather go to jail than be with her and Delia. Kevin's getting more brazen – breaking into people's homes and stuffing his pockets with jewelry that is expensive but at the end of the day, stolen.
Then he has the audacity to dodge her questions she already knows the answers to when Alex and his long eyelashes leave the coffeehouse.
.
Here's when Chloe realizes Kevin Fisher is just like every man in her life – the kind that love her, lie to her and then break her heart: somewhere between Kevin almost daring Alex to search the coffeehouse for the jewels stolen from the Heights and Kevin doing that damn posturing thing, smirking at Chavez's back when he leaves.
.
Chloe's internal, man-related Lie Detector goes off louder than ever and there are alarms in her head that are as red & bright as the PAST DUE stamps on the monthly bills.
.
She just has to look into Kevin's eyes.
There's a part of her that wants to be wrong, but the answers are in the way Kevin's words and reassurances wrap around her questions, instead of direct answers.
A mental picture of Delia's teenage mugshot for shoplifting and probably assault flashes through Chloe's mind. Chloe doesn't doubt for a minute that Kevin and Delia love each other but here, love is not enough. It will never be enough. Selling the coffeehouse and hoping for new, bigger dreams isn't enough.
Chloe's done. She's tired. She's spent. So, she will go the divorce route once again.
She thinks it'll be quick, though, like ripping off a band-aid. She'll get a lawyer and rip that damn band-aid off the cracks of her heart and try her hardest to stifle that scream.
As she says, dreams die.
.
Chloe will not end up like that stupid Icarus kid in a story she hears at a point in time at boarding school, when she's just still Kate Valentine – a girl in a foreign world, literally and figuratively.
She will not be foolish enough to think that feathers held together with wax will be enough to give her the ability to fly close to the sun without being burned.
The feathers will fall apart because the heat of the sun melts the wax and she will fall with no safety net.
Not today.
For Delia's sake, Chloe will probably still fall and it sucks but she will be her own safety net and catch herself in the end.
PART II
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Mornings are Delia's time with her dad. She likes it when Billy drops her off at school in the mornings. Well, any time with Daddy is fun time in Delia's eyes.
Delia loves being a big sister to little Johnny, so there's that upside of seeing her daughter grin really big at the idea of spending time with her little brother.
So, she drops her off at Billy & Victoria's with a hug and a kiss and takes the long way to work and skips Crimson Lights altogether.
She'll lose her nerve and resolve otherwise.
.
It feels as though Chloe has stepped into an alternate dimension in which is okay to wear sandals and socks together or mom-jeans make a resurging comeback.
She walks into work, ready to drown herself in the line launch – Chelsea's designs combined with her eye for what fashionably clicks & what clashes. Chloe walks into the office, ready to stop thinking of her flat-lined marriage and will breathe life into the launch of Chelsea's line.
"Okay, Chloe," Chloe sighs to herself, ignoring the nagging in the back of her mind, and how naked her ring finger feels. "Onwards & upwards."
Or something like of that sort.
She's wearing her Feel Good Heels today – a pair of ivory coloured ones – so there's that.
.
Here's a business idea that she can't wait to tell Chelsea about; it's cool, totally her and will give her something her very own, something that plays to her strengths: a line of accessories –whether it be necklaces, rings, bracelets, bangles, purses, clutches or even a pair of kick ass heels or boots – to compliment the vibe and feel of the Chelsea Lawson designs perfectly.
The idea makes her smile, actually and fashion hits a new level of fun.
To the accessory challenged people of the world: Accessories by Kate will be out of her head on to the store shelves soon enough because no way in hell can her bestie say no. That, and you're welcome.
.
Chloe's life is a roadmap of trendsetting outfits, friends that are as shallow as a kiddie pool (which is okay with her, considering she goes to club dateless and their boyfriends end up in her bed).
There's always the roadmap of colossal mistakes and bad choices.
On a sunny New York street corner, bustling with people and yellow taxis, there's Billy Abbott.
His face is the one her eyes point out in a sea of faces – whether it's under club lights & pounding bass music or a busy street corner blocks away from Broadway.
In hindsight & a few years later: Chloe realizes that Billy's right about the fresh layer of dog pee at the place they meet – gross as it is. She remembers that the most. Chloe also remembers how blue his eyes are (note: the same as that cloudless sky in July) and that smooth Gene Kelly charm, even though to her, he's a James Dean type of guy.
.
She reads Peter Pan as a kid – about a boy that never ages, refuses to grow up and can fly.
Chloe's history with Billy is more thorns than roses. It's more broken hearts than fluttering ones. It's knotted and messy, cracked and jagged like broken mirrors. Broken mirrors are beautiful when they glint from afar but the cracks branch out and spread all of the seemingly smooth surface.
There are good times, though.
Ones that make Chloe feel like she never wants Billy to grow up and her feet are under the illusion of leaving the ground before gravity knocks her down and cold reality keeps her there.
Billy's always gonna remind her of Peter Pan, but in hindsight: she isn't Wendy.
Chloe hates Wendy in the books as a child. That's when Kate Valentine rips the pages out.
(Here's what's so funny if it isn't so sad: Kevin calls her Tinkerbell once upon a time as silly and quirky as it is at that time.)
.
Life puts Chloe in Billy's orbit somehow. Other times, she's on the outer edges of the orbit – somewhere on the periphery, even as the parents of a daughter growing up too fast in her opinion. She'll never really be out of each other's orbit because Delia – this little girl that looks like her and has her father's exuberance and that Abbott twinkle in her eyes – keeps them tethered. The records of their marriage stay as memories and pieces of paper deep in a courthouse vault somewhere, but Delia is the best, most worth it reminder.
.
Before bed at Katherine's, Chloe scoops her daughter up on her lap and wraps her arms around her from behind.
It's a fun sleepover where they'll watch Up with Grandma & have a fun girls night in, Chloe tells her daughter. She doesn't even tell Esther because well, her mother will cry for the both of them.
She paints Delia's fingernails a purple colour with flicks of glitter which sparkle when it hits sunlight.
Part of her is still processing it since it's the day after and still kind of fresh.
Chloe presses a kiss in Delia's dark hair, squeezes her lightly, "Do you know how much I love you?"
Delia turns around slightly and replies with a smile, "With every star in the sky."
"That's right," Chloe says, returning her daughter's smile. "Don't you ever forget that you have so many people in your life that love you like crazy. You're so special and you're incredibly lucky, okay?"
"Okay," Delia answers, and then asks with hopeful eyes, "Can I borrow your phone to call Daddy & Kevin before bed? I really want to tell them about the A I got on my math test!"
Her heart flips and Chloe hates that her stomach slightly twists.
"Yeah, baby, of course you can." She plasters on a smile.
She still obliges, but hey, Chloe's a mommy.
It comes with not being selfish even if for once, she wants to be for her daughter's sake.
The image of Delia's face lighting up and the sound of her excited, little voice ringing crystal clear in Chloe's mind is worth it. It's always worth it.
.
She'll wear Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson shoulder pads in her blazers and Hammer pants for Delia, basically, if it comes down to an extreme like that.
.
Chloe leaves work after Chelsea has a date with Blue Eyes (read: the Winner of Chelsea's baby daddy lottery jackpot, the lucky bitch and her maternity closet is on point because of her accessorizing, duh) in the office.
"Hey," Chelsea walks up to meet her at the door. Dylan is out of earshot. "When you wanna tell me, I'll listen. You know that."
Chloe smirks, good-naturedly with a light eye-roll, "Yeah, yeah," and lightly pushes her towards Dylan's direction. "I know. Now, stop worrying about me and don't keep that gorgeous hunk of man waiting."
"He is not a hunk of meat, Chloe."
"Says the girl banging him," Chloe rebuts, with a grin and raised eyebrow. "Now, go on. Let baby-daddy Dylan dazzle you," she adds, and finishes with a flourish.
Chelsea laughs, "Dazzle, really?"
"Yes. You're so in bliss, I almost hate you," she says, and corrects herself on Chelsea's feigned look of hurt. "I said, almost. Now, go and when I come back from tracking down my baby's daddy, I want details. Especially the really dirty ones, and I get dibs on being Lima Bean McAvoy's godmother."
"Go deal with Billy, and we'll talk about the godmother thing over mani-pedis later."
"It's a girl date," Chloe says, genuinely and Chelsea lightly rubs her bare arm in silent comfort. She tries not to cry or tear up because of the catch in her throat and the anger that sneaks up on her unexpectedly. She distracts herself by fishing for her car keys in her purse and finds them. "Go on. Prince Charming awaits."
.
At least, Chelsea has a shot of something really great with Dylan.
Socially, Chloe knows it's wrong because Lima Bean is a Newman by biology and all that scientific stuff, but it'll be a McAvoy by love.
Chelsea has a shot of happily ever after with Dylan.
Chloe learns to stop reaching for those, so she has to deal with disintegration with her 1980s movie, Pretty In Pink, John Hughes' movie ones-filled one with Kevin.
.
Sooner or later, Chloe will have to stare into her daughter's innocent face and tell her that Kevin isn't going to be her awesome and cool step-daddy anymore, that they won't be going home to see Bobby, and that she has to leave her treehouse behind. How does she begin? How does she finish without making Delia cry at the thought of not seeing Kevin as much?
That's when Chloe angrily slams the door to her car, and finds herself slamming a manicured hand against the smooth surface of her steering wheel. She imagines it to be Kevin's face. Right now, she's slapping Kevin over and over in the face until he says something offensive to her sensibilities – then Chloe will swing as hard as she can and actually slap him.
"Damn you, Kevin Fisher. Damn you."
Chloe takes a deep breath, and again, she's wishing the tears to go away because she's tired of being angry on the outside when on the inside, it feels like she'll fall apart.
There's that and her make-up will smudge and her life is complicated enough.
Chloe sticks the key in the ignition after she gathers herself and her car roars to life.
.
Chloe is furious. The emotional sunburn is there, still.
She's hurt, and she'll probably slap Kevin if he aggravates her enough, but no, she doesn't hate him.
Whether she still loves him is up in the air, like whether she'll wear denim cut offs or a cute summer dress tomorrow. Or, Chloe may break the choice of having to choose between high heeled shoes and a funky gladiator sandal.
She may ultimately decide she's in the mood for really cute ballet flats.
Remember, Chloe recites in her head, as a stupid mantra. Glass half-full yada yada yada.
Easier said than done.
PART III
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Walking into On the Boulevard, Chloe seeks out Billy.
The place is bustling and yeah, it looks like this place allows him to be more of the social schmoozer rather than a suit working at Jabot.
He looks as stressed as she feels, the beginnings of a five o' clock shadow on his face.
Running a restaurant can't be easy so the stress is understandable. It's the same kind of stress that comes with trying to get a clothing line launch off the ground and thinking about which divorce lawyer to call in the morning.
"Hey," Chloe greets, walking up, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Uh, yeah. What's up?"
She sighs, lightly, trying to keep her voice even and probably failing, "I'm just coming by to tell you that Delia and I moved back to Katherine's, so you can pick her up from there," she tears her gaze with the look of silent inquisition spread on Billy's features. Why her heart clenches and for whatever reason, she doesn't know, but she'll have to deal with questions. It's none of anyone's damn business. Honestly, Chloe's already mapping out an escape plan for when the day comes she crosses Gloria. Her brown eyes land on the smooth counter like it's most interesting thing in the room. "Kevin and I are having…problems."
"Oh," Billy says, with a laugh. It's a sad kind of funny in a twisted way. "Electricity problems again?"
"No," Chloe replies, tone curt and clipped without meaning to be. She looks at him again and sighs. "We're getting a divorce." God, her mouth tastes like fucking sandpaper.
Billy is unusually sympathetic, "Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you guys had a shot."
A pause passes that seems to stretch on for a long time, before Chloe is able to speak despite the catch in her throat and the light pressure that builds up behind her eyes.
Thank God, she still has her pride. In some convoluted way, she still has her pride and she can start building those walls again – high and strong, before breaking them again. Eventually.
Then again, it's an emotional chore to build much of anything.
"Yeah," Chloe answers, voice usually soft for own ears. "Me too."
She foolishly thinks her and Kevin have many shots, many do-overs, many safety nets, and many new beginnings and dreams on the horizon.
Thoughts do not equal reality, a voice in Chloe's head says and laughs.
.
Billy makes Chloe smile, and laugh when she's feeling crummy.
Delia would look insanely cute in a Bedazzled On the Boulevard apron of her own, wouldn't she?
(Kevin probably would too, because he loves Delia that much. She almost hates him because Delia's heart will be broken.)
.
Billy pulls in her in and hugs her with silent understanding.
Chloe sighs shakily against his chest and whips a tear away with her free hand.
Chloe doesn't know what she'll do tomorrow or next week, but it's nice being comforted today, right now in this moment. It's the closest thing to sanity when her thoughts are jumbled, weird mess.
(She likes to think Peter Pan grows up, Tinkerbell isn't as magical, eases up on the trail of pixie dust and they're somewhat friends if nothing else.)
A/N: I… I don't know what to do with this.
I only write for three reason: if I'm irked about the state of a character on this damn show, if I like a character and my curiosity won't pass or if I need to challenge myself. This was the result of the last reason. Frankly, Chloe irks me on so many levels, and it took forever to write this. Not because of the actual writing process, because of the actual character. I had to go inside myself and find things that I could relate to. I know some of you think that's stupid, but it was emotionally draining because while I'm doing internal work to push this thing along, I'm watching live and rolling my eyes so damn hard one of my eyeballs may be stuck in the back of my head. The amount of expletives pouring out of my mouth in regards to this character would put a sailor to shame, really. But I've been writing since the tender age of six. I always promised myself that no matter how much a character on here made me want to break things because they enrage me, that when I ever got the chance to write something on them, it would be an equal playing field of neutrality and my dislike would not be shown. Objectivity is damn hard. I leave all of my subjective feelings behind when I start writing of whatever character I'm fascinated by at the time.
I just wanted to write Chloe as she was going through all of the emotions of divorcing Kevin and this burgeoning…whatever the hell thing she has going on with Billy right now. So, it's not Chlovin…but it's not Chilly either. It's a mix of the two as Chloe reflects. Hopefully, I did Chloe justice if you're a Chloe fan. And if you're not, and still, made it and trudged through this, major respect. Now, you know how I feel WRITING this damn thing.
This was just something I needed to write to get out of my system.
Now, that I have… I can move on to other ideas that I think are silly, fun and out there but those are my faves to write right now. I'm working on probably the darkest, most twisted piece I've ever written & it involves Phyllis & Avery's mother, Lydia Callahan Summers, so hang tight for that if you're interested.
I've rambled on now. Sorry. It's midnight where I'm at. If there are typos, I've give a good edit tomorrow, so I'll just post now.
Feedback, opinions, thoughts are welcome. I have my Y&R faves, but I'm open to all.
Thank you for reading and supporting xo.
-Erika