"That didn't happen," Magna lightly chuckled, shaking her head in reaction to hearing Yumiko's reminiscent story.
"It did; it so-so did," Yumiko nodded emphatically, her eyes creasing at the sides in hushed laughter. Miko ran her fingers through wild locks of hair as Magna repositioned from their pallet of blankets on the floor and rested her head in her lap.
"I couldn't make that up, even if I wanted to. I mean, I-I could, but..." Yumiko's lips pushed slowly upward into a melancholic smile. The raven haired swallowed, feeling as her chest tightened as she decidedly re-visited memories from before the world had flipped and burned. Magna sensed the change.
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"They sounded like they were really great," Magna responded softly, looking up; eying as the corners of Yumiko's lips began to falter.
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"They were. I...I still miss them...I do."
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"Yeah"
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"Yeah," Yumiko worked to clear the growing lump in her throat, her fingers still combing through Magna's strands of hair. Miko shook her head, releasing a quivered breath. "Anyways, what about you?"
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"What?"
"What about your family? I...I've shared about mine, told you plenty, and I still really don't know anything about yours. They're somewhat of a mystery—elusive—kind of like you."
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"Can we talk about something else?" Yumiko's fingers stilled at the whispered request.
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"I mean, we can?" Yumiko's brow furrowed as Magna moved from her lap and abruptly sat up beside her.
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"Why do you even want to know?"
Yumiko was taken back by the wary question and by the guarded look in what had been open and trusting eyes. Miko shook her head, recognizing that Magna's walls were coming up fast.
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"I...I don't know, Magna. I mean, I-I realize we grew up in two different countries—two separate parts of the world. But, where I'm from, social norm still dictated that whenever you like somebody, you...you still try to find out things about them: their likes; dislikes; what their family was like. I didn't think all of that changed, went completely to the wayside, with the sickos."
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"T...they were important," Magna denied quietly, shrugging her shoulders in deflection, her brown eyes cut to the floor in thought. Yumiko bit her lip, deciding to carefully press forward.
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"I have a hard time believing that; considering you tend to shut down—try to change the subject—anytime they're brought up."
"Yeah?" Magna looked up at the open remark. Yumiko swallowed thickly, catching as her eyes fixed heavily on her.
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"Yeah, you do, and that's okay. I...I'm just trying to get to know you better—get to know you more," Yumiko never broke away from the intense gaze; Magna's chest twinged in reaction at the sight—observing as the raven haired shrugged her shoulders, her lips fleeting upward into a small smile. Sh...she was doing it again—she was freezing her out.
Magna shook her head, releasing a soft, shaky breath. She licked her lips.
"Miko, I...I don't talk about them—about my family—b..."
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"Because you miss them?"
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"No," Magna denied simply, sadly, shaking her head at the gentle question. Yumiko noticed as her throat bobbled.
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"No, I don't talk about them because I...I didn't have what you had. My life-it obviously—obviously—wasn't rainbows and butterflies."
"Magna, my life wasn't perfect."
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"No...no, but at least you had a mom that w-" Magna's lips pushed momentarily upwards into a sad smile. "Miko, you had a family that made it a point to go to every school event—that made sure they didn't miss a single function you were involved in. They were proud—so proud—of you. And wh...when you decided to come out to them, when you told them, they still loved you; supported you, it...Nothing changed," Yumiko's heart groaned at the low, haunted whisper; at the deeply furrowed brow.
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"Magna, I-"
"I had a mother, mom, who...who loved me but who couldn't take care of me because she was dying of cancer. I had a brother, younger, who could do no wrong, even if he tried; which, wasn't too often because he was too much of a chicken shit," Magna let out a short, melancholic laugh. "An-and then...and then I had a father, a dad, who didn't know how to cope after my mom; and...who didn't take it too well when he found out his only girl liked other girls."
Magna felt as Yumiko's hand went to her back in the moment, and her fingers raked back and forth in slow, comforting motion. The brunette released a stuttered breath, very much aware of the increasing weight at her chest.
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"You know, family...family is supposed to be that one group—that one group—of dysfunctional people that love you and support you—regardless of what shit things you do; b...because they're fucking family. But with my mom...with my mom gone, and my brother, he was too young to even understand at the time. My dad, I...I ended up having to lie to myself. I ended up having to deny the one part—the one part—of me that actually made some sort of sense. And even when I did all that, even when I busted my ass and bent over backwards to make him happy, it...it was never enough...I was never enough. And so I...I eventually got tired of trying—pretending. And I-I ran—hard; fast. I tried to find acceptance wherever I could—whoever would give it. And looking back, yes, I do—I do—realize I ended up with the wrong group of people; did things I'm not proud of—b...but I was just a fucking kid," Magna sniffled, struggling in vain to blink back the tears that stung and welled in her eyes.
Yumiko swallowed hard, fighting a losing battle against the growing lump in her throat. It made so much more sense now—Magna's hesitancies—her refusal in sharing her past and her fears in showing even the slightest display of affection in front of others. She had been traumatized, she had been deeply-deeply wounded, by a person that she had loved and who she should have been able to trust the most.
Yumiko's hand stilled at Magna's back, and her fingers tenderly pushed a lock of hair behind her ear; Miko's heart seized the instant her hand ghosted over the brunette's tightly clenched jaw.
"Mag?" Yumiko's chest twisted in concern as Magna suddenly let out a fleeting, self-deprecating laugh—her brow furrowing even deeper in tortuous thought. The brunette worked to clear the gravel from her throat.
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"You know, the funny thing is, is that even after everything I went through: hurt; anger; resentment. When it happened—with the sickos—I...I still went home to try to find him. It...it's stupid. Of course he and my brother, th...they weren't there. And, I'll never know what happened—if he made it out and he's alive out there somewhere or...It...it's stupid. STUPID," Magna shook her head back and forth and back and forth, feeling as her heart ached and groaned as she returned to the once scabbed over wounds. She felt so incredibly stupid. It was so FUCKING ridiculous that with everything that happened—with the sickos; even with having to fight minute by minute and day by day for just a chance at survival—she was still so affected, she was still so greatly haunted, by the irrelevant, unimportant ghosts from her past.
Yumiko watched as Magna chewed heavily on her lip.
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"It's not stupid, Mag. It...it's human. And regardless—regardless—of what things he did or didn't do, it...he was still you're father. Magna, I...I am so-so sorry," Yumiko's stomach clenched tightly as the brunette simply shrugged her shoulders at the comment—her head hanging ever low.
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"It's nothing; it-it is what it is. Everybody has their own shit—things in their closet that they've had to deal with," Magna sniffled, surprisingly not putting forth resistance as Yumiko's finger gingerly hooked under her chin and slowly nudged her head up. The brunette's eyes continued to well as she looked up and found Miko's deep, sympathetic gaze.
"Yes, that may be true, but it still doesn't make what you went through any less important; it doesn't negate it."
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"'m sorry," Magna quietly apologized, her trembling hands wiping at the tears that finally managed to push past her lashes and roll down her cheeks. Yumiko's hand moved and rested on top of her shoulder.
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"It's okay to cry...to feel."
Magna let out a sad laugh at the statement, her hands still wiping at the slow trickle of tears.
"You've said that before," she sniffled again, trying her hardest to reign in on her emotions. Yumiko's brow furrowed.
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"It's still true."
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"And here I was thinking it's easier being a cold hearted bitch."
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"Not always," Yumiko responded softly, shaking her head. The raven haired bit her lip, noting as the small smile on Magna's face faltered into a haunted frown; Miko could clearly see the hurt, the deep emotional wounds, hiding behind the brunette's red rimmed eyes.
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"Come here," Yumiko whispered gently, inching forward to place a kiss to Magna's forehead before she moved to lay them down on their pallet of blankets.
Magna rolled on her side, coming to rest her head on top of Yumiko's chest. And as much as she wanted to lose herself and find peace in Miko's slow, rhythmic heartbeats—as much as her body screamed to be held and craved to sink in the shelter of her arms—she wouldn't allow it. She couldn't be afforded such luxuries of emotional comfort—not until she knew; not until she told her.
Magna licked her lips, her heart thudded loudly.
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"Miko, I...I want you to know that I am trying—to let you in, more. I was just use to being by myself for so long, that..."
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"I know," Magna could feel the low vibrations in Yumiko's chest; she could feel as her toned arms wrapped around her tighter.
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"You're the only person that I-I've shared this with—any of it," Magna just needed her to know. She was very much aware that she wasn't the best at expressing her emotions...feelings. She just needed Yumiko to know that she cared—that she lov-
The brunette's eyes closed instantly as Miko responded to her declaration with a feather light kiss to the top of her head. With the gesture, Magna finally allowed herself the opportunity to fully relax into her arms and she listened to her heartbeat; the slow, steady pattern calming and lulling her towards a much needed sleep.
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"You know, I...I wish I could meet him—you're father," the brunette's heavy eyes cracked opened at the barely audible remark.
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"I highly doubt that," Magna yawned, slowly lifting her head.
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"No, I do. I mean it. I...I would tell him that it...it's his loss. He doesn't have the privilege, the opportunity, to see the person you've become—the person I see—who...who's incredibly, incredibly brave; and strong; beautiful. Someone who's risked her life—taken a chance—to help complete and utter strangers...Someone who's saved my life, managed to bring me back, in more ways than one."
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"Thank you," Magna quietly whispered, her lips curling into a small, sleepy smile. The brunette lowered her head back down onto Yumiko's chest and her eyes closed shut, feeling as another kiss was placed at the top of her crown.
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"Anytime"