New News Episode 1
PILOT
PILOT
CREATED BY RYAN CASSADY
(A principles office is shown)
(A Mexican man is shown sitting at his desk, his eyes rolling and looking at the clock)
(Ulysses enters the room)
Principle
Your late mister Ulysses
Ulysses
Call me UPS
Principle
If you don't shut up you will become one
Ulysses
No, no my middle name Is Peter and last name smith and of course my first name is Ulysses, so bring it together and what do you get…
(Looking anxiously at the principle)
Principle
Say one word and you get more time on your detention mister Smith.
(Ulysses is bursting with laughter)
Ulysses
One word!
(Principle looks at him with a ridicule face)
Principle
Let's see do you want to have another detention
Ulysses
I don't see what I did wrong
Principle
You commented about everyone with problems in this school…now do you think that is bad?
(Principle looking mad)
Ulysses
Sir, I would love to use my life line!
Principle
Is this all some kind of joke?
Ulysses
No, but if you want it to be, man this could be fun!
Principle
I feel bad for your teachers
Ulysses
Same here, they all smell like lily pads!
(Principle with a hair rising expression)
Principle
That's it I'm calling your teacher to get in here
Ulysses
If you don't believe me about the lily pads thing you should…
(Gets interrupted)
Principle
If you think I'm sending your teacher in here to smell her!
Ulysses
What else would you be sending her in for, giving me a punishment?
(Ulysses says sarcastically)
(Principle has a stern face)
Ulysses
Please no…I'll let you call me UPS!
(Ulysses says with a puppy face)
Principle
On that note…NO!
Ulysses
Aw man!
(Theme song)
So there was this boy, who looked good,
YEAH,
Who didn't like school but understood,
Yeah!
He enjoyed laughing, and making fun,
Yeah,
Jokes and all under the sun,
Then he stumbled across an idea,
That he would make a paper idle,
He made the news
The new news,
He made the new news,
He made new news,
YEAH!
He had helper's, who had lots of fun,
But he didn't know it would be a success.
Because he made the news,
The new, new news!
Ulysses
What you saw earlier was just a little glimpse of today, I'll start from the beginning the very beginning.
(The screen centers on a boy waking up and his alarm clock going off)
Ulysses
Mom, what day is it today?
Mom
The first day of school!
Ulysses
Psh… you're not joking, mom please be joking!
Mom
What is so bad about school!
Ulysses
You have no idea don't you!
Mom
Well…
Ulysses
See!
Mom=
Get up…I made you pan cakes!
Ulysses
No way!
Mom
Hurry before they start getting cold!
Ulysses
Okay!
(Ulysses gets dressed very fast and runs down the stairs and enters the kitchen)
Mom
Do you want syrup?
Ulysses
No thanks!
Mom
Why?
Ulysses
I want to embrace the natural.
(They both share a laugh)
(His mom rubs his head)
Mom
You are one funny kid UPS!
Ulysses
I try
Lisa
Mom wears my mini skirt
Ulysses
Why do you want to impress Tommy Giggle?
(Ulysses laughs silently)
Lisa
Shut up Ul-gly
Ulysses
Oh I'm sorry Lisa… did I offend you?
Lisa
Offend me… more like embarrassing me
Ulysses
Oh, then I did my job!
Lisa
Yeah, but you failed!
Ulysses
To me I aced it!
Lisa
Ha-ha right, that's the first thing you ever aced!
Ulysses
What's with all the compliments!
Mom
Okay you to, get off to school!
Lisa
Yep!
Ulysses
See you latter
Lisa
Same goes for you!
Ulysses
I wasn't talking to you. Bye mom!
Lisa
You bother me!
Ulysses
I know that, silly goose!
(Ulysses then walks to school and runs into his friends at the corner.)
Jenny
Hey UPS
Ulysses
Hey, where's Jimmy?
Jenny
If your meaning my twin…go jump in a lake, he never wants to walk with me and
Kyle
Hola
Ulysses
Hey Kyle what's up?
Kyle
Same old, same old!
(Kyle starts running)
Jenny
What are you doing?
Kyle
Burning off the fat of summer!
Ulysses
You will get to school faster!
Kyle
You have me tied down their!
Jenny
I heard there is a new girl coming this year!
Kyle
Cool, we should be friends with her!
Ulysses
Are you crushing on her when you haven't even seen her!
Kyle
Now why would I do that!
Ulysses
Then
I call her!
Kyle
NO!
Ulysses
Told ya!
Kyle
Fine
Jenny
Enough boy talk! Let's talk girl talk!
(Kyle and UPS stare at each other)
Ulysses
Hey Kyle still want to run?
Kyle
How'd ya know?
Ulysses
Cause I'm !
Jenny
Boys!
Ulysses
Ready, set, go!
(The boys race off and Jenny tags along, but on a more jogging pace)
(They finally reach the school with wide eyes)
Kyle
Guess this is it
Ulysses
I say!
Jenny
Wow you guys are fast
Ulysses
I know don't wear it ow, who is that young chick over at one o'clock
Jenny
That's the new girl, her name is Nicole Samberg also known as ruler of Jeniveve High!
Kyle
Why did she switch
Jenny
No one really knows!
Ulysses
How do you know all this?
Jenny
Maybe if you would have listened to my girl talk I would have told you, but now it's my turn to run!
Ulysses
Fine, go off, be a girl, I'll be here, oh what the heck, come on tell me Jenny!
Kyle
Is it just me or is this girl incredibly beautiful
Ulysses
Good thing I called her!
Kyle
Not so fast, I called her!
Ulysses
No I did!
Jimmy
No one gets her, but me!
Kyle
Hey Jimmy Bro
Jimmy
Don't talk to me!
Ulysses
Fine, why do you get her?
Jimmy
Because we're all ready dating!
Kyle
There goes my chance
(Nicole walks over)
Nicole
Hey boys, what's crakalakin?
Ulysses
Hi I'm UPS!
Nicole
Hi, I'm taken!
(Kyle drools)
Kyle
How did you know I was into you?
Nicole
You're drooling!
Ulysses
Way to play it smooth
Nicole
Salvia is gross so I'm going to leave…oh my it's like a waterfall!
Jimmy
Ha-ha you guys are so pathetic, especially you waterfall!
Ulysses
Go away Jimmy!
Kyle
Was it really that bad?
Ulysses
Pretty much!
Kyle
Waterfall?
Ulysses
Like Niagara Falls, no serious if I got any closer to you, I would have slipped on the puddle you were making!
Kyle
PUDDLE!
Ulysses
Now we know how the five great lakes started.
Kyle
You are so mean
Ulysses
Let me correct you funny, Mr. drooling!
Kyle
I'm not drooling again am I?
Ulysses
Maybe in your dreams!
Kyle
Oh boy!
(They go to their classrooms and they go to their seat)
(An Asian boy is sitting next to Ulysses)
Asian boy
Aren't you just so pumped!
Ulysses
Oh yeah, I mean it's going to raise the roof! Uh-huh!
Asian
Huh?
Ulysses
You know we're going to pump up the party and party till we drop, BOOM!
Asian
What?
Ulysses
Let me dictionize it! It's going to be mighty fun yall! (Laughs) I crake myself up
Asian
I still really am confused
Ulysses
HUUU, its going to be so fun!
Asian
I know right!
Ulysses
I was kidding!
Asian
Do you not like school?
Ulysses
Who does!
Asian
So not me, did I do a good job at making it teen like? A-A?
Ulysses
No, it's more like, school is for nwebs!
Asian
School is for dwebs!
Ulysses
You're getting it, but you got to style the motion! Rarer!
Asian
In getting this…DUR!
Ulysses
You graduated already, I am so proud of you, hold on, (cries)
Asian
Are you alright?
Ulysses
Oh psh yeah, it's not every day you run into a guys like you!
Mr. Smith
Good morning class! How are you guys.
Ulysses
Same old same old, embarrassed that we go to a school so lame! Like we got to make a point and make so amazing that we got to style it like a crazed monkey going burzirk over a banana!
(Class laughs)
Mr. Smith
Don't behave like that Mr. Ulysses!
Ulysses
Rarer, don't get so fiest on me so quick, I mean don't you want me to embarrass my full potential and slap that elephants thigh so hard that it breaks only of its skin caps!
Mr. Smith
Do you want to go to the principal's office today?
Ulysses
No, but I'll call him latter, you know just to be polite!
Mr. Smith
Is this some kind of joke?
Ulysses
Absolutely not, I mean it could be so fun if it were, I would bust up the funny scale, seriously I would weigh so much, that a dinosaur couldn't eat me whole, but I'm sure you could! Seriously how much do you weigh, 180, tons!
Mr. Smith
Go to the principal's office!
Ulysses
Snap, snap, snap, you did not just say that!
Mr. Smith
Oh yes I did!
Ulysses
Then you better watch because this UPS will not stand for that kind of behavior, just because I stated a fact, doesn't mean the principle has to get involved. And to tell you the truth, your boxers do not match with that outfit!
Mr. Smith
How do you know?
Ulysses
How do you think I know laser eyes?
Mr. Smith
No such thing!
Ulysses
Oh yes there is!
Mr. Smith
No their isn't!
Ulysses
Are you challenging me!
Asian
Are you challenging him?
Ulysses
Sit down, you forkstick!
Asian
Okay, I'm gunna sit till I desire
Ulysses
That's my boy, and I'm super proud of him!
Mr. Smith
Would you two sit down!
Ulysses
Only if you tell me I'm right!
Asian
Yeah!
Ulysses
What did I tell you!
Mr. Smith
Go to the principal's office!
Ulysses
Maybe I will, cause ill learn something their!
Mr. Smith
I haven't taught anyone anything yet!
Ulysses
My point stated!
Mr. Smith
Now!
Ulysses
Okay,
oh yeah, call me UPS!
Mr. Smith
No!
Ulysses
Oh brother!
(Ulysses walks down the hall to the principal's office)
(A principles office is shown)
(A Mexican man is shown sitting at his desk, his eyes rolling and looking at the clock)
(Ulysses enters the room)
Principle
Your late mister Ulysses
Ulysses
Call me UPS
Principle
If you don't shut up you will become one
Ulysses
No, no my middle name Is Peter and last name smith and of course my first name is Ulysses, so bring it together and what do you get…
(Looking anxiously at the principle)
Principle
Say one word and you get more time on your detention mister Smith.
(Ulysses is bursting with laughter)
Ulysses
One word!
(Principle looks at him with a ridicule face)
Principle
Let's see do you want to have another detention
Ulysses
I don't see what I did wrong
Principle
You commented about everyone with problems in this school…now do you think that is bad?
(Principle looking mad)
Ulysses
Sir, I would love to use my life line!
Principle
Is this all some kind of joke?
Ulysses
No, but if you want it to be, man this could be fun!
Principle
I feel bad for your teachers
Ulysses
Same here, they all smell like lily pads!
(Principle with a hair rising expression)
Principle
That's it I'm calling your teacher to get in here
Ulysses
If you don't believe me about the lily pads thing you should…
(Gets interrupted)
Principle
If you think I'm sending your teacher in here to smell her!
Ulysses
What else would you be sending her in for, giving me a punishment?
(Ulysses says sarcastically)
(Principle has a stern face)
Ulysses
Please no…I'll let you call me UPS!
(Ulysses says with a puppy face)
Principle
On that note…NO!
Ulysses
Aw man!
Principle
Detention
Ulysses
Were you expecting me?
Principle
What principle in the entire universe wouldn't!
Ulysses
Good point! What are you doing?
Principle
Dialing your mother!
Ulysses
Please call her my fish
Principle
What?
Ulysses
Because I'm a penguin and I like to waddle around and she's my prey!
Principle
You're not a penguin!
Ulysses
I guess you right; I'm quarter in a half penguin!
Principle
That's why you always where black and white!
Ulysses
You're catching on!
Principle
Oh what am I doing?
Ulysses
Do I have to repeat myself!
Principle
Hello, Its Principle Franklin here at Copter grade school I'm here with Ulysses, yes no harm but, no illegal stuff, no, no, no, yes, what, no, no, no, yes, why, when, what, fine, goodbye!
Ulysses
I never knew you kept your brain at 1st grade!
Principle
If you don't be quite ill have to send you their!
Ulysses
I'll be quite now!
Principle
Yes you will! You're going to Mrs. Clock's room for detention today, hope you enjoy it!
Ulysses
Better than first grade!
Principle
Yep, here's a note, give it to her, and do whatever but talk!
Ulysses
Will do
(Exits with note) (Gets to the room)
Mrs. Clock
Hello UPS!
Ulysses
I'm in trouble!
Mrs. Clock
Oh dear what happened!
Ulysses
Mr. Principle gave me a detention
Mrs. Clock
Now, now, for the time being I'll give you some crayons and a piece of paper, do something with it.
(Ulysses sits down with the paper and crayons)
UPS
What should I do with this?
UPS
What do people need in this grade?
That Asian kid had no idea what I was talking about, this grade needs some laughs. Hmm. A newspaper! Yeah! It could list all the drama, comics, advertisements, this could be great. Let me start with the first article; let's talk about the new girl Nicole! As some of you may have known…wait a sec this isn't right, I got to make the story more our age, more outrages, more me! "This morning me and my friends journeyed our way to school by hanging on vines, whipping ourselves through trees, our tippy toes ran through the brisk cold water, filled with angry animals. Soon we came to a lift and met a girl named Nicole, she was hott! Soon I and Kyle were under the water of Drool, full of yucky chewed up food." Then I realized that this newspaper could be daily and every day I can make one of the days before but transform it into an adventure series. Soon I realized I had taken 10 pages of the paper to write about my summer, comics, advertisements, articles, and of course the adventure of me.
Mrs. Clock
Okay UPS it's time for you to go!
Ulysses
Thanks for the paper!
Mrs. Clock
Aw, don't mention it!
(He runs into Jenny)
Jenny
Hey you walking home
Ulysses
Yep, I made a newspaper in detention called UPS and the slogan is NEW NEWS!
Jenny
Clever, why were you in detention!
Ulysses
Read all about it in tomorrow's UPS newspaper, new news!
Jenny
Alright! Let's walk home!
Ulysses
Let's wait for Kyle.
Jenny
You didn't hear!
Ulysses
What?
Jenny
Do you need more staff on the newspaper because Kyle's story has to be told!
Ulysses
I don't have staff, here come to my house and explain the story, but to tell you the truth, I do add a little me into the story!
Jenny
How bad can it be!
(At Ulysses house in his room)
You describe me as a duck?
Ulysses
Sorry only animal that describes you
Jenny
The Asian kid is better than me, hes a koala bear!
Ulysses
I'm a penguin
Jenny
Kyle's a leopard.
Ulysses
That drools!
Jenny
I got to admit this is creative
Nicole a swan and I am the ugly duckling!
Ulysses
Ohh, jealous!
Jenny
No! Can I make a story tomorrow on a different subject?
Ulysses
Sure! Like what?
Jenny
Twisted fairytales staring our entire grade?
Ulysses
You read my mind!
Jenny
I know
Ulysses
What's your first story going to be about?
Jenny
A girl named Cindy is adopted, she loses her laptop at the ball, and the boy who dances with her finds it and wants to know who she is!
Ulysses
Pretty cool who are the people in the grade gunna play?
Jenny
I'm gunna be Cindy, you're going to be the prince, and Mr. Franklin is going to be the stalker!
Ulysses
What?
Jenny
You'll find out! Look I got to go; I'll give you the paper tomorrow!
UPS
SO THEIR YOU HAVE IT A BONDING FRIENDSHIP, A DROOLING LEAPORD, A PRETTY SWAN, AND OF COURSE A THREE QUARTER IN A HALF PENQUIN, CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THEN THIS?
Credits