I don't own Torchwood, or any of the charaters. Life is so unfair.

Sorry about this. I'm random when i'm bored.

Enjoy!

Please R&R

We Didn't Start the Fire

It was boring. Jack was bored. Where was Ianto? He hadn't seen that perfect ass in over an hour. He could see Tosh working at her computer, doing some form of calibration... thingy. He got confused sometimes.

Urgh. Coffee was needed. Badly. Ianto had suggested Jack lay off the fully loaded stuff for a while, because he kept getting these streaks of funny five minutes, during one of which he caused Gwen to retch, Tosh to blush, Ianto to smirk, and Owen to feel inferior.

Jack could feel his mind separating from his body due to boredom, and coffee deficiency. Nothing exciting had happened in two days. Urgh...

He smelt a burst of fresh coffee and leapt out of his seat, crashing into his desk in his eagerness to get out of his office. Ianto was standing at the coffee machine, working his magic. He looked up and saw Jack standing there, practically drooling. Ianto smirked, and then remembered his and Jacks encounter last night. And then felt glad he was standing behind a desk.

Gwen and Tosh were off somewhere, getting muffins. Muffins were a God send at one o'clock in the mornings, thought Jack. And Owen... God Knew.

"Dearly done with the coffee now, Sir. Are you sure you want some?" Ianto looked slightly concerned, obviously remembering Jacks caffeine problem. "Do you want decaf?"

Jack let out a small yelp of disgust at the word. "Decaf? Are you kidding me?! That stuff is AWFUL!! Worst creation ever, and that's saying something! Worse even than that new lube that was supposed to kill your sperm to stop you getting pregnant, but just ended up burning your cock."

Ianto shuddered at the memory. "I thought we weren't going to mention that ever again. It took four weeks for those blisters and burns to go. Hurt like hell."

Jack grinned. "And it made doubly sure I wouldn't get pregnant. Contraceptive and it hurt you so badly that you withdrew screaming before I felt anything."

Ianto shuddered again. "Please stop. I won't give you decaf."

***

It was later in the evening. Or morning. Whatever. Jack really didn't care. He climbed the ladder that poked out of his tiny bedroom and swung his legs across to plant his feet firmly on the floor of his office. He looked down into the hole to see Ianto sleeping deeply.

Jack smiled, and looked around his office. James the fish was still on his desk, glugging happily.

Ianto still could not get over the fact that James was still alive. Mainly because Jack had at one point picked up the tub on his table that was not fish food, but turned out to be some form of pellet that caused James to swell enormously, and turn and alarming shade of green. Jack still wouldn't tell Ianto what it was.

But thankfully the fish that Jack claimed to be all of his past lovers reincarnated into a single animal returned to normal. After Jack had a minor panic attack.

He could hear a racket down in the lower levels of the Hub. Sounded like Owen and Gwen, arguing yet again probably.

Suddenly and alarm sounded, loud and clear.

Jack turned on the spot, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Then he realised that the alarm was different. What the hell was this one? He could still hear Owen and Gwen arguing in the Vaults.

Just as he was about to run to find them, Ianto appeared at his side, shirtless and sweating slightly. Jack made a very appreciative face, and considered ignoring the alarm. Ianto looked practically edible.

Ianto realised what Jack was looking at and slapped him lightly. "Jack! Focus!"

Jack shook his head, clearing git of the lust induced fog that had settled on his brain. "Right, sorry", and started to run, Ianto right behind him.

As he ran, Jack looked over his shoulder at Ianto and shouted, "By the way, you are so gunna make up for slapping me later!"

Ianto rolled his eyes, but grinned.

They reached the Vaults. And the reason for the alarm became apparent before they even saw it. It smelt like smoke. Jack kicked the door open and saw that the far end of this corridor of cells was on fire. Owen and Gwen were there, desperately trying to put the fire out.

"What the hell is going on?!" roared Jack.

Both Gwen and Owen spun to face Jack and Ianto.

"Umm... the cell door locking mechanism... thingy... is on fire." said Gwen.

"State the obvious, why don't you? WHY is it on fire?"

"I didn't start the fire!" both Owen and Gwen said at exactly the same time.

"WHY?!"

"I... might have... punched... it?" Owen said shyly. Only now did Jack see the blood that covered Owens knuckles.

"Again. WHY?!"

"I was angry!"

Jack took a deep breath and said, "Ok, next time you get angry with Gwen, just punch her." Gwen glared at Jack. "It will result in something we can patch up, and doesn't put us in danger."

Their argument was stopped abruptly by a loud spraying sound. Whilst they had been bickering, Ianto had found a fire extinguisher, and was now using it to put the fire out.

When the job was done, Ianto let out a deep breath, put down the extinguisher and turned to face the others.

Sweat covered his face and torso, and his hair was in disarray, sticking up and plastered to his forehead. Jacks tongue was practically lolling out at the side, but Owen and Gwen only just realised that Ianto was not wearing a shirt. They gave him a questioning look, and he shrugged. Then he saw Owens eyes go wide.

"Ianto! Your trousers are on fire!"

Ianto looked down. They were indeed. He beat it with his hands, ineffectually. So he took them off, and balled them up, stopping the flames instantly.

"I can't believe it! They were one of my favourite pairs, and..."

But by now, Jack was finding it hard to keep a grip on reality. Ianto, covered in sweat, wearing just his underwear. Guess he didn't have time to put socks on.

The next sound out of Ianto's mouth was a yelp of shock as Jack took hold of him by the waist, and hitching him into a fireman lift. Jack turned around, and ran out of the Vault doors, towards his office and his tiny bedroom with Ianto slung on his shoulder, leaving Gwen in a state of confusion, and Owen just not wanting to know.

And, yes, Ianto paid Jack back for the slap that night. Twice.