Well... after losing a bet to one of my friends, this little thing came into existence. As he put it 'every fanfic writer needs to do one' because it's a 'right of passage' or something like that, but let me tell you... this is a self-insert through and through of me and three of my friends doing random shit across random universes with almost no foreseeable reason at all other than 'because we can'... so I hope you enjoy...
I don't intend for this to be a recurring series, but if it gets a good enough reception, then I guess I could make a couple more chapters... or just wait until my friend pisses me off enough to motivate me to make another one to get him off my back... but without further adieu, I present the shitbucket that is my attempt at a self-insert.
Naughtbeast
The Mansion:
Well… it all began like just about every single good holiday should begin... inside a large mansion in the middle of nowhere that could be rented for a rather reasonable price. It was quite a large house, with four stories, twelve separate bedrooms as well as just about everything else you'd need, ranging from a Billiards room, three Kitchens and even a personal Butler for personal service. It was your epic mansion, designed with gothic architecture, gargoyles on the roof and all that jazz, although it did look well-kept considering how old it must have been.
It had been around 11 months since my friends and I had graduated from school, a couple of guys barely 18 being released into the world to do random stuff for the rest of their lives until they died. All bar me went to the same school, while I decided to screw the last one and a half years of school to join the military for a war that had reared its head over in Europe, one which I had only just come back from my first tour of duty… which was one of the reasons they were having this little fiasco at the mansion. Which I didn't exactly like, mainly because I wanted more part in WW3, than relaxing while the safety of our world's freedom was at stake.
There were two reasons which pushed us to pool a rather large sum of money to hire the mansion for an entire month of relaxation, the first being that I would be heading back out to complete a second tour of duty back on the fore-front of the war as a security and defence contractor, while the second was that we were celebrating the birthday of one of my friends, who just so happened to have a noticeably larger income that the rest of us, owing to the fact that he was currently under employment at a rather reputable law firm thanks to completing an entire University level course in the middle of school.
I mean, sure I got a decent amount from my army pension and my yearly pay… but after he managed to successfully defend what seemed like an unwinnable case, he was being paid a lot more than he should have been… at least in my opinion. One of our other friend's was currently in the middle of an architecture course at his local Uni, while the other was working at a local Science Lab who were in the process of creating a new metal that was potentially stronger and cheaper than main-stream stainless steel… as well as a 'supposed' Super Soldier serum, as he liked to say. Needless to say, we pretty much had most aspects of life covered.
Once we figured that we all had a month of spare time where none of us had ANYTHING on, we arranged a time and met up at the mansion I mentioned prior to this… which is where everything turned to hell… well, it went pretty well for the first few days, so I might as well explain it from there. Oh, and since I wasn't exactly there for everything, I thought it would be a good plan to write it in third person, for your viewing pleasure….
[1st Night – 10:00 PM – Mansion]
After settling in after all arrive at lunch time, moving their bags to our rooms, literally having the space so that each of them had a level of the house to themselves, the group decided it was a good idea to start off the holiday in a more than appropriate way… a Mortal Kombat Tournament to decide who would be cooking for the rest of the stay.
"EAT KUNAI YOU ASSHOLE!"… that was the more than enthusiastic cry of the architect of the group, Ronan, currently revelling in his victory over the less-than-adept fighting game friend, Kai, the scientist who was basically on the verge of revolutionising the metal production industry. The first was a tall 6'4" and was currently wearing a white Dexter t-shirt with black pants as well, short black hair resting on his head that was, at its longest, an inch long, with
The second was the shortest of the group, standing a few inches below Ronan, as well as having a solid black t-shirt with shorts to match. His hair was a light brown and he had blue eyes that were currently set on glaring at Ronin.
"I still don't see how this is fair in any way… he plays the game religiously!" complained Kai, throwing the controller down on the couch as he mumbled obscenities at Ronan as he was subjected to another round of victory dance from said player.
"Stop complaining like a little bitch, we already said that this was the only way it would be decided!" cut in our Lawyer of a friend, Josh… who was currently in the middle of stuffing his face with pizza. He was the second shortest, standing only an inch or so under Ronan, with a Halo t-shirt on and dark brown pants as well, with brown eyes and blonde hair. The first thing anyone would notice was that he was as pale as anything and if it wasn't for his brown eyes, he'd probably be an albino.
"You're only saying that because you're not losing!" retorted Kai, jumping down onto one of the side couch seats and beginning to nibble at the remnants of his own half-devoured pizza.
"I already said guys, I'm happy to cook for the rest of the trip! You don't have to do this!" interrupted the last member of the group, the current Military recruit who had opted to stay out of the little tournament to decide, as the rest of the group had so eloquently put it, kitchen bitch. He was the tallest of the four, having a centimetre or two of height over Ronin, with Khaki pants and a black singlet as his outfit. His hair was a short brown military cut which framed blue eyes and a pair of glasses that looked more like sunglasses than actual vision-correction frames.
"We already agreed on this Will… we don't want any of your dirt-tier military cooking and we DEFINITELY don't want it to taste like charcoal, which is why you're not fighting!" Josh answered, picking up the controller to challenge the reigning champ once again.
"You do realise this is literally just 'who gets the crap beaten out of them the slowest' right now?" Will pointed out, just as Josh's character was pulled in for a brutal combo by Ronin's Scorpion.
"That's the fun in it! As long as I don't die in the next three seconds, then I'm not kitchen bitch!"
[Exactly 2.99 seconds later]
"Ok, I call hacks!" complained Josh as his character was torn in two by the, once again, victorious Ronin.
"AHAHAHHA! KITCHEN BITCH FOR A MONTH!" roared Kai as loud as he could, getting a piece of pizza thrown into his face which smeared sauce over half of it.
"Hardi har har har assholes…" began Josh, quickly coming up with an idea, "wait! Ronan, I challenge you to a double-or-nothing!"
"I'll think I'll pass…" replied said gamer, jumping up from his position on the couch and walking over to grab his own pizza, slumping down on a space seat and putting his feet up on a footstool. Just as they were about to continue, they heard the doorbell ring.
"Why are we getting someone at the door at like 2 hours till midnight when we're like 7 hours away from the city?" asked Kai, looking briefly to the door that was just down the hall, out of sight from the four of them.
"Five buck says it's a murderer!" put in Ronan, throwing the designated amount of cash into an empty bowl on the table in front of them, one which was filled with chips until they were devoured moments after the packet was opened.
"DIBS NOT!" shouted everyone bar Josh who was too busy finding cash to put into the betting pool to realise what was happening, only doing so after it was said.
"Fuck you guys, I'm not answering the door!" he replied, flipping them off as he threw cash into the betting pool, "JEEVES! GET THE DOOR WOULD YA!" he shouted down the hall, calling out to the butler that was conveniently named Jeeves… as well as having an English accent co-incidentally.
Their answer was complete silence and the continuous loud buzzing sound of the doorbell as nothing was there to halt it.
"You do realise that he went to sleep two hours ago…"
Josh grumbled and reluctantly got up, mumbling a 'screw you guys' as he made his way down the hallway. The buzzer came once again from the door and Josh just about reached his limit.
"HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE SECOND!" he shouted, running the last few metres and quickly unbolting the locks on the door before practically slamming it open, being greeted by four figures at the door with what looked to be suitcases next to them. Before they could even get in a word, Josh decided to interrupt them, completely ignoring who exactly they were.
"Before you say anything, are you murderer's?"
They looked between each other for a few seconds before the front one replied with a hesitant 'no?'.
"YOU ALL OWE ME FIVE BUCKS!" Josh shouted back down the hall, hearing a reply of 'screw you!', turning back to the four at the door and actually looking at what they looked like. He fought the urge to begin laughing as he saw that there were four girls standing at the door, each dressed in an outfit from one of his favourite shows, RWBY. He could barely see them in the gloom of the night and the moon wasn't doing much to shine any light on them, with the faint light coming from the hallway being the only illumination with which he could see them.
"Oh good, you must be the butler!" spoke the lead one, Josh seeing that she looked a lot like Weiss from the show. Said girl thrust a suitcase forward that Josh grabbed onto by instinct alone, hearing her follow it up in the same snarky voice as before. "Don't drop that…"
Obviously, Josh did the only thing he could think of and dropped the case on the ground, earning a glare from the Weiss girl.
"Look, little girl, let's get one thing straight… I am not a butler. Next off, could you PLEASE explain why the hell I have four cosplayer's knocking on my door in the middle of the night?"
"What's a cosplayer?" asked the smallest of the four, a girl that Josh could barely see looked like Ruby from the show. She even had the cloak and outfit near perfect in his opinion. Most of them ignored it, except for tallest in the group, the one who he could see was dressed as Yang, who took her aside and began whispering something in her ear.
"Look, why are you even here yourself! We booked this house for the next month and we don't want free-loaders or hobo's staying with us and we WILL call the police!" remarked Weiss, glaring daggers at Josh as he casually leaned against the side of the door.
"Funny, because we booked this place for a month as well, so unless you have something which says otherwise, then please leave!" Josh retorted, fixing himself with a smirk which slowly began fading when he saw her take out her phone… or whatever it was she was using. He was a bit shocked that they'd actually managed to make working Scroll props, vowing to ask them how they managed to wire them properly or if they bought them from someone, yet it was what was on the screen that truly had him interested.
On the screen it showed him the EXACT same email he'd received when he had booked the mansion, down to everything bar the name it was under. Just to check for himself, he took out his phone and brought up the email, looking between the two with a strange look.
"Well, it looks like the damned guy rented it out to both of us… either way, we were here first so bugger off!" Josh stated, going to close the door, only to have it stopped when someone shoved their foot in the way, Josh turning to see it was the girl dressed as Yang.
"Hey! We paid a lot of money to get this place and we're not walking away from it just because some guy managed to steal our spot!" she huffed, glaring daggers at him, although she was doing nothing to sway him in any way.
"Yeah and I paid the same you did to get this place as well, so you don't have anything over me because I'm the one with the keys!" he countered, smirking as he took out said objects and spinning them around on his index finger.
Just as the Weiss girl was going to interrupt, they were all taken back when a sword came flying through the air down the hallway and sticking itself in the door. Josh looked the corridor and his eyes flung open wide as he dived to the floor, narrowly dodging a rapier that slammed itself into the door a second later, the point going through the key-ring and pinning the keys to the door. The girls stood their incredulously and raised their eyebrows as Josh flipped the bird at an unseen figure, said figure practically slamming into him at full running speed.
They didn't get a chance to see who it was before they ripped the sword from the wood of the door and sprinted back down the corridor without so much as a word.
"Watch where you're going asshole!" Josh shouted down the hall after him, standing up and brushing himself off. He didn't get a chance to say another thing as another person sprinted past him, ripping the rapier out of the door this time, throwing the keys at Josh with an off-handed gesture, although he did turn to address him and explain what was going on.
"Ronan managed to find the armoury..." muttered the person, who Josh recognised as Will.
"And how does that result in me nearly being killed?" Josh spat back, being obviously pissed off… mostly because he didn't find it first.
"He also found our supply of beer…" Will admitted, shuddering under his breath. It was then that he noticed the four new entrants outside the door, noting also that they looked to be wearing the garb of some of the characters of one of the old shows he watched. "Who are the girls?"
"We booked the house for a month and your 'friend' here doesn't believe us!" announced the girl in white, looking seriously annoyed as she tapped her heel on the ground.
"Then why aren't they inside yet?" Will asked, directing the question to Josh this time.
"Uhhhh… because we booked it you idiot!" Josh answered, making it sound as sarcastic as possible.
"Josh… we literally have three entire floors full of bedroom and I'm sure we could spare some space" he answered, earning a groan from Josh. Will pushed the rapier into his hands and shoved him down the corridor saying 'just go deal with the drunk', then turned to the four girls outside.
"Honestly, we weren't expecting anyone else, as I'm sure you've already guessed, so I'm sorry that you had to deal with him first off… I can give you the entire third floor to yourselves if I move my stuff, so I hope that's enough for you guys" he offered.
"That should be acceptable… although we will talk about this in the morning" snapped back Weiss, holding out her hand to seal the deal. Will figured what she was doing, shook her hand and then offered to take their luggage. He took two of their suitcases, barely struggling with the weight, then took them up to their rooms.
The main door led to the central atrium of the house, with two large winding stair-cases on either side of the centre, showing just how tall the building was as it left a clear view all the way from the bottom floor to the roof of the third with nothing in between. They briefly passed the hallway where the swords were flung from, a branching corridor off to the left of the main atrium, and heard clashes of steel on steel as they passed, Will already sensing the questions that were practically radiating from the group of four.
"Don't worry about them, as much as he likes to brag, our drunk friend isn't that co-ordinated while he's inebriated and probably won't kill anyone… probably"
"How many other people are here?" asked the girl who was dressed like Blake, not even looking up from a book in her hands as she followed him.
"There's only four of us here other than you guys… you've already met Josh, who I can promise will be a lot less annoying in the morning after his coffee… Ronan, the one who is currently trying desperately to slur his words into an eligible sentence while swinging swords around pointlessly… there's Kai, who was the guy who relieved the door from its sword and isn't really one for messing around… and then there's me, who you can call…"
"DUKE OF NORMANDY!" came a shout from down the hall as Josh came barrelling past, the rapier still in his grasp, with Kai in tow a step behind. "Ronan isn't exactly playing nice!"
To emphasise his point, a moment later said teen came sprinting after them with two large swords in each of his hands, with a third in his mouth as well, spitting it out when he saw them.
"Come closer ye wittle swines! I'll gut ye fom ya dick up!" he splurted, laughing nonsensically afterwards, running at them full bore. Without even saying anything, Will stepped forwards and stood there calmly until he was within a foot… then he took him down in under a second. He hit both of his hands at the same time, causing him to drop the weapons, then swept out his legs and shoved him onto the floor, pinning his arms behind his back and using his leg to pin down both of his current victim's.
Will pulled a piece of rope from seemingly nowhere and bound his legs and hands together, essentially turning him into a human spit-roast, then stood up and casually began hauling the bags up the stairs as if nothing had happened.
"Wait, so are you actually a Duke!" asked the smallest in wonder, almost pleading for it to be true. Will just smirked and didn't answer for a while as he struggled to pull the cases up the large winding staircase.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm just a normal guy, that's just a nickname for me… my actual name is Will"
"Well, it's nice to meet you Will" offered the Weiss girl, "my name is Weiss Schnee"
Will let out a silent laugh as he mocked their choice of sticking with the names of the characters they were posing as… and oh how wrong he was. The Blake girl seemed to notice and furrowed her eyebrows.
"Why are you laughing?" she questioned, drawing the fact to the other three's attention. Will just decided to go along with it and answered as such.
"I never thought I'd get to see an heiress in my lifetime…" he answered, laughing internally a little less noticeably this time.
"Finally, some recognition!" Weiss smirked, doing it in the exact same voice as she had when she first met Blake. Will was now fighting to hold back a laugh at how on-point they were trying to make their performances and held it back by hastening his plight up the stairs, eventually getting to the top floor and stood at the top waiting for them. Along the way, the other three introduced themselves as their respected characters, something which Will was struggling not to laugh over, but he managed to keep a straight face.
"Now, where do you want these?" he asked, lifting the suitcases to show what he was talking about, "the left wing has a kitchen and bathroom near it but the right has nice views of the front and back gardens, so take your pick"
"OOOH! I want the gardens!" the Ruby girl cheered, running past him and nearly knocking him to the floor with her speed, running off down to the furthest room to the right. He felt a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, like he should be telling her something... eh, it's probably not important.
The Blake girl just wordlessly wheeled her suitcase down the left hall until she found a room that she liked and walked in.
"And you two?" Will asked, still holding both of their suitcases so he could take them to their rooms.
"Which one would you recommend?" the Yang girl asked, scratching her chin as she weighed up her options.
"Well, the gardens are pretty nice but it gets annoying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night if you're over there and there aren't any Master Bedrooms on this floor, so you might want to pick one relatively close if you want to take that into account… although I myself went for the garden option"
"Hmmmmm…" she replied, humming to herself for a few seconds before pointing out the closest room to the stairs on the right. Will nodded and took the suitcase over, putting it neatly in front of the door before turning to the last person to make a selection. She was mulling over the idea as she tapped her heel on the ground and furrowed her brow, eventually settling on the room next door to Ruby. He took the suitcase to her door and led her in, putting it on her bed and making to leave, stopping when he was addressed just as the door was about to close.
"Weren't you also on this level?" she asked, Will thinking for a second before face-palming.
"Dammit…" he mumbled as he quickly jumped next door, into the room that Ruby was in, and opening it up to see just what she had done to his stuff. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see just what she had done. She had left absolutely everything the way he had first left it when he came it. His suitcase was on the bed, a military alice pack that held literally anything he'd ever need, none of the sheets being moved while his boots were neatly lined up on the floor and his spare outfit was on the bed as well… but the only problem was that she was playing with the most expensive thing in the room.
"Ruby… put the sniper rifle down… NOW!" Will commanded, slowly walking into the room with his arms up, just in case the girl decided it would be a great plan to randomly fire the weapon. Said girl had somehow figured out how to open the large military case that was sitting on the bed, working a way past the THREE separate combination locks on it, and was now hefting around his large and expensive sniper rifle that he had brought for target practice on the… boring days.
As soon as Will spoke, the girl practically threw the weapon back into its case, the boy hearing a loud cracking sound that he hoped to god wasn't the scope, then she sped back and jumped a few steps back in surrender.
"I'msosorry!" she said too quickly for him to understand, something which she didn't seem to pick up on, "itwasjustonthebedandIreallyreallylikeweaponssoIthoughtitwouldbeokifItouchedit!" she spurted out, not at all pausing for breath. Will just stood there for a second before doing a spit take and composing himself.
"I understood absolutely none of that, so would you please stand near the door while I clean everything up!" he said in a stern tone, the girl quickly obliging and jumping to the door, almost crashing into the door and Weiss at the same time.
"You dolt, what is going on!" she questioned, glaring at the little girl with her signature stare.
"I'm sorry but I touched his sniper rifle!" she quickly answered, Weiss not understanding until she looked in and saw he had an ACTUAL sniper rifle on his bed.
"Why do you have that?" she asked, taking a step back in case he turned out to be a murderer or something, intent on killing her and her friends… which in her mind, was the most likely thing right about now.
"I work in the military and I thought I'd bring it along for practice" he replied as he looked over the weapon to see if anything was broken, being glad to see that it was just the carrying strap connectors that had made the large cracking noise. He wasn't entirely lying, it was just that his friends had strictly instructed him to NOT bring along his military stuff so he could relax, but he was glad he managed to slip it past them by being the first one to arrive.
It was a stock body SRR-61 bolt action sniper rifle, although the mods he added made it anything but stock. First off, it's clip was extended to hold 14 shots rather than the stock 7, as well as having added a 12x hunter sight that was set up next to a canted iron sight. The bolt was switched to a straight pull for ease of fire and a bipod was added for accuracy. Several of the weapon's spare magazines of the .408 rounds it chambered were neatly set up in the case next to it, as well as a rather large suppressor he had brought along so that no one was spooked when he went out night hunting with it.
Despite the gun-control laws in his country that stopped any civilians from owning and carrying firearms around with them except in designated firing ranges, it allowed for those currently or previously enlisted within a military organisation during the great war
"That's so cool! So are you like a Huntsman!" Ruby queried, her eyes going wide as she looked on in admiration, stealing glances at his weapon as well. Will sighed and put the rifle back in the case, putting the lid down and locking every separate combination lock before picking it up with the rest of his things. He answered the girl's questions as he shifted out of the room with his military pack and weapon in tow.
"Not really, I'm employed as a security and defence contractor although I've only had one tour of duty to be honest and I'm set to head out in another month"
Ruby pouted and peaked her head around from hiding behind Weiss to speak to him.
"But what happens if you don't come back!" she said sadly, Will actually stopping for a second to answer, smiling when he spoke back.
"My friends already know that it may be a possibility that I don't come back, which is half of the reason why we're chilling out for a month before I head back, but my family doesn't really care if I die or not… my mother practically disowned me the second I joined up because I had a brother who she could dote on instead, and I haven't seen my father in a couple of years now, so I doubt he'd even know what I'm doing"
Ruby's frown deepened and Weiss just stood there shocked, so Will decided to at least end on a slightly lighter note and let them sleep.
"But dying for my country is far better than living in a world of the oppressed!" he said valiantly as he left, turning around with a flare and walking down the stairs, the two girls standing there for a few seconds as they tried to come up with something to say, only to fall short. They waited for him to walk out of sight down the stairs until they actually managed to form words.
"Hey Weiss?" asked Ruby, still looking down the hall to where he disappeared.
"Yes Ruby?" responded the Heiress, still being slightly confused as to what exactly happened.
"Do you think he'd let me touch his sniper rifle again!"
The sound of a palm meeting face was the only sound that resounded around the halls as Weiss walked off back to her room, wondering how in the world she was ever partnered up with the absolute dolt that was Ruby Rose.