Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the thing's I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause i don't take anymore
or this, I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
though I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said (Epiphany-Staind)
Todd hummed along to the music, his favorite band, his favorite song. As he swayed he clutched his girlfriend closer to him, her arms tightened around him and he kissed her forehead. They had been dating for two years, he had known the second he saw her that she was the one and since that moment he only loved her more. Her name was Jenna Grift and she was 16, he was 19 and not that that made him the almighty all-knowing man of the universe but it made him the centre of many an argument between her and her mother, who also happened to be his landlady but that was beside the point.
He felt her shutter and then he heard a small quiet sob. Jenna dug her head into his neck as if trying to hide from something. She was crying and he tried to soothe her but he knew she needed to calm herself down. They were in his room which was basically her attic done up as a room and rented out to him, it wasn't much but it was home. As the song ended he wiped away one of the last tears from her face with his thumb and whispered, "One thing won't change, I still love you."
Jenna smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, she loved how he held her, loved how he stroked her back and waited for her to calm down, "Your leaving, tomorrow you'll be gone."
"I'm here now." Todd cooed to her, "That's what matters."
She pressed a kiss to his lips and he savored it, he wouldn't be getting kissed by her for a while, he had to brand them to his memory while he had the chance to. He brushed his fingers through her silky hair and moaned as she deepened the kiss. Jenna already felt the ache of Todd's absence from her life, already could feel the misery of going back to Wilburne High without the safety net of her boyfriend to catch her when she was about to fall. She remembered when he went in to training and he was gone for days and weeks and came back so tired and dirty that no amount of showers or sleep could fully prepare him for going back... and yet he was going into the big fight this time. He was going to Somalia and he had already prepared her for the eventuality that he may not be coming home.
"I don't want you to go." She pleaded and she saw the heartbreak in his eyes. She was being so mean and selfish but he was nineteen years old, dying should not be an option!
"I know you don't baby, and I'm sorry. I really am sorry." Todd kissed her again and she pulled back suddenly. He looked at her in great confusion but that was replaced by surprise as she locked the door and turned off the light. When the room was dark, he heard the faint sound of fabric on falling into a pile on the ground.
Then he felt arms around his neck and when he slid his hands down her back, he felt naked skin down to her pant waistline except for her bra. As soon as he fingers brushed over the clip of the contraption she whispered, "Take it off."
"Are you sure?" He asked, Jenna had been reluctant about this in the past, never being ready but he didn't want to force her. He could wait and he didn't want his leaving for Somalia have anything to do with her sudden decision.
"Yes."
"Is this about Somalia?" He asked.
Even in the dark he could see her perfectly now that his eyes had adjusted and she looked right at him, her gray eyes shining like an owl's as she said, "This is about you and me and nothing else."
"I don't have anything Jenna. Unless you do this is a risk."
"I don't care."
"You should."
"I only care about you Todd, you and me. Please?"
Her voice had a tone of pleading finality to it and he unclipped her bra, it fell to the floor and he saw her breasts. They were modestly sized and he was somewhat acquainted with them, he would be more so before the night was over. He was nervous, he had no protection to speak of and she didn't either, he didn't want to get her pregnant. Her mother hated him enough as it was and she was young. She'd be seventeen in two months but part of him wanted her so badly, part of him said what if he died and he never knew her? It was his last night with her, his first and his last..why waste it?
Jenna pulled his shirt over his head and then his beater fell beside it on the floor. She ran her hands over his naked chest and felt all the muscle that had developed there. Todd used to be a bit twiggy but he had filled out and she only hoped that he would use that new found strength to stay alive. She was shy and she didn't want to rush, call her old fashioned but she wanted this to be beautiful and memorable. Todd understood, he always understood, and he simply held their naked torsos together, skin on skin and let their warmth seep into each other. He wasn't a virgin but he was no expert, a few times with an old girlfriend over two years ago but she was so much different then Jenna. She was older then him and had always liked to be the one in control and he really never did much, that's why he dumped her, he wanted the relationship to have two people in it not one.
But with Jenna he would have to be the leader until she was used to it, would have to be gentle with her. The last thing he would ever do was hurt her.
Jenna kissed him, ran her fingers along his freshly shaved head and moaned. She had been dreaming of this. He deepened the kiss and gathered her in his arms, lifting her up. She giggled softly against his mouth, she wasn't a super-skinny girl and not many people picked her up and she absolutely loved it when Todd did. He smiled knowingly before laying her down on his bed softly and spreading himself out on top of her. She smiled nervously and pulled him closer for a kiss. He met her lips tentatively, he was afraid to loose control of himself.
After a few minutes, his tongue pushed past her lips and teased her. It traced the back of her teeth and ran the length of her lips. As their mouths played her hands fell from his chest to his belt and debated for a moment what to do before unfastening the belt and letting it fall to the floor. Jenna pulled the button open and gently slid the zipper down, he was hard, hard just thinking about what they might do, just remembering all the fabulous dreams he had with her in them. She ran her fingers over his length; he couldn't help it he pushed against her body tightly so that he was pushed completely against her belly. She gave a small gasp and began to rub him, in a corner of her mind a fear was born that just because of something solid and that long inside her, it would hurt. Her ministrations were tugging on his restraint, his hips were moving in sync with her motions and he knew if she wasn't careful that she would put them both in over their heads. Todd may have loved her, he would never hurt her, but he was a guy and every second that he was lying on top of her clad only in pants pushed down to his knees and she was covered by a pair of panties; her hand massaging him as he made love to her mouth... he would simply break soon.
That's when he realized that he couldn't. He couldn't risk breaking her heart by disappearing the next day. For Christ's Sake he could die! What if he did? What kind of memory was that? Her first time and her boyfriend dies.
His heart sank as he even thought about the next possibility. What if he got her pregnant and then died? Her mother would kick her out and she'd be on her own! Teen mom alone with her baby, the father dead and buried.
Todd pulled out of her kiss, panting his words, "We can't, Jenna baby, we just can't."
Jenna's whole body froze and she looked at him with terrified, hurt eyes, "Why? You don't want me?"
"I want you really badly, but I don't want to hurt you." He said rolling off of her and laying next to her, "You deserve better then something rushed and full of sadness for your first time, you can't be worried about me fighting in a Third World Country or me never coming home. You sure as hell can't risk getting pregnant, I won't let you risk being hurt on any level."
Tears came to her eyes, "What if you do die? What if this is good-bye for us?"
"I swear to you that this won't be good-bye I promise it won't be. I will come back to you if I'm crippled or disfigured or in so much pain I would rather die. I swear I'll come back to you, get better, and make love to you so good you'll never forget it."
She laid her head in the crook of his neck, "If it's with you, I'll never forget it even if it's horrible."
Todd smiled, "Is that a knock on my skills?"
Jenna smiled in a mirror image of Todd's, "What skills?"
Todd rolled over on her and tickled her playfully growling, "Oh, you'll pay for that one! You'll pay I'm gonna get you good!"
She was crying with joy and then fell asleep in Todd's arms less then an hour later. He knew that he should sleep but he figured he would snooze on the plane. He just watched her sleep and held her and looked at her body and sighed to himself, whispering softly, "Toddy boy if you do die without doing her, you are going to kick your own ass in Heaven."
*** By the time his eyelids dropped his alarm was going off. Four in the morning and time to get up.
"Jenna, Jenna." He whispered, "Time to get up, babe, time to wake up and let Todd get dressed."
She didn't budge so he leaned close to her ear and tried again, "Oh my God, is that Orlando Bloom streaking down the block?!"
Her eyes popped open and then she slapped him playfully, "What have I told you about teasing me?!"
He laughed at her, "I'm beginning to think that that blonde-elf dude is more important to you then I am."
"You're a silly goose that's why." She was already asleep as the last word left her lips, she was a deep sleeper.
"Boss called Somalia's cancelled." He tried and she sat bolt upright and cried, "Are you serious???"
He laughed but it wasn't as completely happy, "I wish I was, but I seriously need to get dressed and showered, not in that order, before catching my plane. I didn't want to just leave you sleeping here and then wake up just to write me an angry letter about..."
"I wake up alone you wake up alone? Gotcha." Her laughter was not as full as it normally was and she pushed out of bed, stretching her arms high and bending every which way. She had been a dancer and a gymnast in her youth and she still had all the flexibility. Todd stared at her in open mouthed lust for a moment, "You are so cruel, you terrible tease, you!"
Jenna smiled, "I'll do more if you skip your plane..."
"Nice try, very tempting. Very tempting." He grabbed her waist and pulled her back into bed, giving love bites to the soft flesh between her neck and her shoulders, "That'd be one to tell the boss. Sorry for missing the plane sir, my girlfriend made me an offer that I couldn't refuse." He put on a deep voice to imitate his Commanding Officer and replied, "Well, Blackburn what did she do?"
"Well, sir, she used to be a gymnast... and a dancer... and she's...very flexible..." Todd was himself again talking to his imaginary boss.
Jenna put on the deep voice and said, "You made the right choice Blackburn. Do you know what they do to you if you say no? They lock the bedroom door; some of them burn those little bra and panty combinations that they bought just for you. They tear up the thongs right in front of you. You definitely made the right choice, girlfriend over open war."
Todd laughed, "Knowing General Asshole the Third he would say something like that after KP was given to me for the next three years."
Todd pressed another kiss to her lips, meaning for it to be short but she immediately deepened it. Her tongue teasing him to an extent that would be showing in a minute, God if she could fuck like she could kiss....
Hard on.
Dammit, Todd thought, dammit dammit dammit, he moaned as she wrapped her legs around him, then went back to dammit dammit dammit dammit.
Jenna panted into his ear, "Please don't go, please don't go. Your too young to get killed Todd please, stay here. With me. Mom's probably drunk as a skunk and passed out in her room, we'll go down to the store, get some condoms, come back and I swear I will spend the rest of my entire life making it up to you just please please please don't go."
Her sobs couldn't be heard but he felt the tears and he held her closely for a minute before pressing his forehead against hers, "I wish I could, honey I wish I could."
She nodded and got off of him, snuggling into his shirt which was on the floor from last night and then put her head on his pillow and said, "If you wanted to take a shower you better do it quick."
He rubbed her hip for a minute with his palm before standing up and pushing his pants and boxers to the floor and stepping out of them. He threw his boxers to her and she slid into them.
"I better not find all of my clothes missing when I get back." He joked.
She smiled sadly and huddled in a ball, "I'll try to return them."
He took a ten minute shower, five minutes to washing and five to jacking off Jenna's effects on his body. Todd then got out of the shower and fell into his clothes, Jenna got out of bed, still in his shirt and boxers, and helped him straightened his uniform as much as he could. She stood behind him and he faced the mirror, she leaned forward on his shoulder (while balancing on her tippy toes) and gave him a kiss, "I love you."
He returned it gently, "I love you too, Jenna."
She had school that day so she couldn't come with him to the airport, this was goodbye for them. He turned around and nearly crushed her in a hug, "I'm going to miss you so much."
"Me too."
Nothing else could be said right then, he picked up his suit case and laced his fingers with hers and walked down the stairs, her mother's drunken snore was coming from the room next to Jenna's. When he came to the front door he looked out the peep hole and saw his Taxi standing there, he opened the door and the driver's eyes went wide seeing Jenna clad in so little. Todd felt jealousy in him and brought a last kiss to Jenna's lips, "I'll write."
"I'll wait."
"I'll live."
She cried a little, "I know."
***The End***
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the thing's I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause i don't take anymore
or this, I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
though I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said (Epiphany-Staind)
Todd hummed along to the music, his favorite band, his favorite song. As he swayed he clutched his girlfriend closer to him, her arms tightened around him and he kissed her forehead. They had been dating for two years, he had known the second he saw her that she was the one and since that moment he only loved her more. Her name was Jenna Grift and she was 16, he was 19 and not that that made him the almighty all-knowing man of the universe but it made him the centre of many an argument between her and her mother, who also happened to be his landlady but that was beside the point.
He felt her shutter and then he heard a small quiet sob. Jenna dug her head into his neck as if trying to hide from something. She was crying and he tried to soothe her but he knew she needed to calm herself down. They were in his room which was basically her attic done up as a room and rented out to him, it wasn't much but it was home. As the song ended he wiped away one of the last tears from her face with his thumb and whispered, "One thing won't change, I still love you."
Jenna smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, she loved how he held her, loved how he stroked her back and waited for her to calm down, "Your leaving, tomorrow you'll be gone."
"I'm here now." Todd cooed to her, "That's what matters."
She pressed a kiss to his lips and he savored it, he wouldn't be getting kissed by her for a while, he had to brand them to his memory while he had the chance to. He brushed his fingers through her silky hair and moaned as she deepened the kiss. Jenna already felt the ache of Todd's absence from her life, already could feel the misery of going back to Wilburne High without the safety net of her boyfriend to catch her when she was about to fall. She remembered when he went in to training and he was gone for days and weeks and came back so tired and dirty that no amount of showers or sleep could fully prepare him for going back... and yet he was going into the big fight this time. He was going to Somalia and he had already prepared her for the eventuality that he may not be coming home.
"I don't want you to go." She pleaded and she saw the heartbreak in his eyes. She was being so mean and selfish but he was nineteen years old, dying should not be an option!
"I know you don't baby, and I'm sorry. I really am sorry." Todd kissed her again and she pulled back suddenly. He looked at her in great confusion but that was replaced by surprise as she locked the door and turned off the light. When the room was dark, he heard the faint sound of fabric on falling into a pile on the ground.
Then he felt arms around his neck and when he slid his hands down her back, he felt naked skin down to her pant waistline except for her bra. As soon as he fingers brushed over the clip of the contraption she whispered, "Take it off."
"Are you sure?" He asked, Jenna had been reluctant about this in the past, never being ready but he didn't want to force her. He could wait and he didn't want his leaving for Somalia have anything to do with her sudden decision.
"Yes."
"Is this about Somalia?" He asked.
Even in the dark he could see her perfectly now that his eyes had adjusted and she looked right at him, her gray eyes shining like an owl's as she said, "This is about you and me and nothing else."
"I don't have anything Jenna. Unless you do this is a risk."
"I don't care."
"You should."
"I only care about you Todd, you and me. Please?"
Her voice had a tone of pleading finality to it and he unclipped her bra, it fell to the floor and he saw her breasts. They were modestly sized and he was somewhat acquainted with them, he would be more so before the night was over. He was nervous, he had no protection to speak of and she didn't either, he didn't want to get her pregnant. Her mother hated him enough as it was and she was young. She'd be seventeen in two months but part of him wanted her so badly, part of him said what if he died and he never knew her? It was his last night with her, his first and his last..why waste it?
Jenna pulled his shirt over his head and then his beater fell beside it on the floor. She ran her hands over his naked chest and felt all the muscle that had developed there. Todd used to be a bit twiggy but he had filled out and she only hoped that he would use that new found strength to stay alive. She was shy and she didn't want to rush, call her old fashioned but she wanted this to be beautiful and memorable. Todd understood, he always understood, and he simply held their naked torsos together, skin on skin and let their warmth seep into each other. He wasn't a virgin but he was no expert, a few times with an old girlfriend over two years ago but she was so much different then Jenna. She was older then him and had always liked to be the one in control and he really never did much, that's why he dumped her, he wanted the relationship to have two people in it not one.
But with Jenna he would have to be the leader until she was used to it, would have to be gentle with her. The last thing he would ever do was hurt her.
Jenna kissed him, ran her fingers along his freshly shaved head and moaned. She had been dreaming of this. He deepened the kiss and gathered her in his arms, lifting her up. She giggled softly against his mouth, she wasn't a super-skinny girl and not many people picked her up and she absolutely loved it when Todd did. He smiled knowingly before laying her down on his bed softly and spreading himself out on top of her. She smiled nervously and pulled him closer for a kiss. He met her lips tentatively, he was afraid to loose control of himself.
After a few minutes, his tongue pushed past her lips and teased her. It traced the back of her teeth and ran the length of her lips. As their mouths played her hands fell from his chest to his belt and debated for a moment what to do before unfastening the belt and letting it fall to the floor. Jenna pulled the button open and gently slid the zipper down, he was hard, hard just thinking about what they might do, just remembering all the fabulous dreams he had with her in them. She ran her fingers over his length; he couldn't help it he pushed against her body tightly so that he was pushed completely against her belly. She gave a small gasp and began to rub him, in a corner of her mind a fear was born that just because of something solid and that long inside her, it would hurt. Her ministrations were tugging on his restraint, his hips were moving in sync with her motions and he knew if she wasn't careful that she would put them both in over their heads. Todd may have loved her, he would never hurt her, but he was a guy and every second that he was lying on top of her clad only in pants pushed down to his knees and she was covered by a pair of panties; her hand massaging him as he made love to her mouth... he would simply break soon.
That's when he realized that he couldn't. He couldn't risk breaking her heart by disappearing the next day. For Christ's Sake he could die! What if he did? What kind of memory was that? Her first time and her boyfriend dies.
His heart sank as he even thought about the next possibility. What if he got her pregnant and then died? Her mother would kick her out and she'd be on her own! Teen mom alone with her baby, the father dead and buried.
Todd pulled out of her kiss, panting his words, "We can't, Jenna baby, we just can't."
Jenna's whole body froze and she looked at him with terrified, hurt eyes, "Why? You don't want me?"
"I want you really badly, but I don't want to hurt you." He said rolling off of her and laying next to her, "You deserve better then something rushed and full of sadness for your first time, you can't be worried about me fighting in a Third World Country or me never coming home. You sure as hell can't risk getting pregnant, I won't let you risk being hurt on any level."
Tears came to her eyes, "What if you do die? What if this is good-bye for us?"
"I swear to you that this won't be good-bye I promise it won't be. I will come back to you if I'm crippled or disfigured or in so much pain I would rather die. I swear I'll come back to you, get better, and make love to you so good you'll never forget it."
She laid her head in the crook of his neck, "If it's with you, I'll never forget it even if it's horrible."
Todd smiled, "Is that a knock on my skills?"
Jenna smiled in a mirror image of Todd's, "What skills?"
Todd rolled over on her and tickled her playfully growling, "Oh, you'll pay for that one! You'll pay I'm gonna get you good!"
She was crying with joy and then fell asleep in Todd's arms less then an hour later. He knew that he should sleep but he figured he would snooze on the plane. He just watched her sleep and held her and looked at her body and sighed to himself, whispering softly, "Toddy boy if you do die without doing her, you are going to kick your own ass in Heaven."
*** By the time his eyelids dropped his alarm was going off. Four in the morning and time to get up.
"Jenna, Jenna." He whispered, "Time to get up, babe, time to wake up and let Todd get dressed."
She didn't budge so he leaned close to her ear and tried again, "Oh my God, is that Orlando Bloom streaking down the block?!"
Her eyes popped open and then she slapped him playfully, "What have I told you about teasing me?!"
He laughed at her, "I'm beginning to think that that blonde-elf dude is more important to you then I am."
"You're a silly goose that's why." She was already asleep as the last word left her lips, she was a deep sleeper.
"Boss called Somalia's cancelled." He tried and she sat bolt upright and cried, "Are you serious???"
He laughed but it wasn't as completely happy, "I wish I was, but I seriously need to get dressed and showered, not in that order, before catching my plane. I didn't want to just leave you sleeping here and then wake up just to write me an angry letter about..."
"I wake up alone you wake up alone? Gotcha." Her laughter was not as full as it normally was and she pushed out of bed, stretching her arms high and bending every which way. She had been a dancer and a gymnast in her youth and she still had all the flexibility. Todd stared at her in open mouthed lust for a moment, "You are so cruel, you terrible tease, you!"
Jenna smiled, "I'll do more if you skip your plane..."
"Nice try, very tempting. Very tempting." He grabbed her waist and pulled her back into bed, giving love bites to the soft flesh between her neck and her shoulders, "That'd be one to tell the boss. Sorry for missing the plane sir, my girlfriend made me an offer that I couldn't refuse." He put on a deep voice to imitate his Commanding Officer and replied, "Well, Blackburn what did she do?"
"Well, sir, she used to be a gymnast... and a dancer... and she's...very flexible..." Todd was himself again talking to his imaginary boss.
Jenna put on the deep voice and said, "You made the right choice Blackburn. Do you know what they do to you if you say no? They lock the bedroom door; some of them burn those little bra and panty combinations that they bought just for you. They tear up the thongs right in front of you. You definitely made the right choice, girlfriend over open war."
Todd laughed, "Knowing General Asshole the Third he would say something like that after KP was given to me for the next three years."
Todd pressed another kiss to her lips, meaning for it to be short but she immediately deepened it. Her tongue teasing him to an extent that would be showing in a minute, God if she could fuck like she could kiss....
Hard on.
Dammit, Todd thought, dammit dammit dammit, he moaned as she wrapped her legs around him, then went back to dammit dammit dammit dammit.
Jenna panted into his ear, "Please don't go, please don't go. Your too young to get killed Todd please, stay here. With me. Mom's probably drunk as a skunk and passed out in her room, we'll go down to the store, get some condoms, come back and I swear I will spend the rest of my entire life making it up to you just please please please don't go."
Her sobs couldn't be heard but he felt the tears and he held her closely for a minute before pressing his forehead against hers, "I wish I could, honey I wish I could."
She nodded and got off of him, snuggling into his shirt which was on the floor from last night and then put her head on his pillow and said, "If you wanted to take a shower you better do it quick."
He rubbed her hip for a minute with his palm before standing up and pushing his pants and boxers to the floor and stepping out of them. He threw his boxers to her and she slid into them.
"I better not find all of my clothes missing when I get back." He joked.
She smiled sadly and huddled in a ball, "I'll try to return them."
He took a ten minute shower, five minutes to washing and five to jacking off Jenna's effects on his body. Todd then got out of the shower and fell into his clothes, Jenna got out of bed, still in his shirt and boxers, and helped him straightened his uniform as much as he could. She stood behind him and he faced the mirror, she leaned forward on his shoulder (while balancing on her tippy toes) and gave him a kiss, "I love you."
He returned it gently, "I love you too, Jenna."
She had school that day so she couldn't come with him to the airport, this was goodbye for them. He turned around and nearly crushed her in a hug, "I'm going to miss you so much."
"Me too."
Nothing else could be said right then, he picked up his suit case and laced his fingers with hers and walked down the stairs, her mother's drunken snore was coming from the room next to Jenna's. When he came to the front door he looked out the peep hole and saw his Taxi standing there, he opened the door and the driver's eyes went wide seeing Jenna clad in so little. Todd felt jealousy in him and brought a last kiss to Jenna's lips, "I'll write."
"I'll wait."
"I'll live."
She cried a little, "I know."
***The End***