((AN: This is a quick little fic that popped into my mind one night when I should have been working on a different story instead. It takes place around Harry and crew's fifth year.))
Disclaimer: My name is not J.K. Rowling, hence I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. With that said, onward!
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From the Journal of Harry Potter:
Dumbledore has officially gone insane. Not only that, but he is determined to drag as many people down with him as possible. I don't know quite where to begin, but I'll try to start from the beginning.
Someone had the fool notion of opening a fast food burger restaurant in Hogsmeade. I don't know who it was, and I don't care who it was. Some enabler of Dumbledore's insanity, I suspect. Anyways, Burger Mart was needing employees, and Dumbledore agreed to send students to work there. Unfortunately, none of us were given a choice in the matter.
Wait. Let's back up a moment to Tuesday morning at breakfast. That's where it really began. Malfoy was being a git as usual, and said something about Ron's mum that caused him to go off the deep end. To be specific, Malfoy said something alone the lines of 'yo mama is so fat, she has her own gravitational pull'. Now, as far as 'yo mama' jokes go, it was pretty lame. Still, it was funny to hear the pale, blond haired, spoiled rich kid say it in a 'ghetto' voice. I'm not quite sure what a 'ghetto' voice is, but I suspect it sounds a lot like how Malfoy spoke when he said that to Ron. Ron didn't think it was so funny, and tried to hex Malfoy. When that didn't work, as Fred and/or George had exchanged Ron's wand with a trick wand, Ron opted to use his fists instead.
And thus began the Great Brawl in the Great Hall. Colin Creevey took several pictures, I think, to later be passed out as souvenirs. Anyways, just as Ron was about to punch Malfoy, he -- that is to say, Ferret Boy -- began to cry like a little girl. Well, Ron gave him a disgusted look, because not a single punch had landed yet. But as Ron turned away, Malfoy decided to sucker punch him from behind. I think Hermione just liked looking for excuses to beat on Malfoy, as she jumped to Ron's defense and kicked Malfoy in the balls. I honestly didn't think he had any, but he clutched himself as if he was in pain. Fred and George started taking bets on who would win. It was a no-brainer, really.
Ron turned to Hermione, and started a shouting match with her about how he didn't need to be 'defended by a girl'. Since it looked like Malfoy was about to counter attack, I did a super cool round house kick to Malfoy's face that resulted in him flying through the air and landing in the middle of the staff table, breaking it in half. Anybody who tells you that all I did was punch him, and that no furniture was broken is lying. My moves were cool. Well, maybe the staff table didn't break in half, but I still showed him my Ultra Secret Ninja Technique of Utter Coolness. Did I mention that I had once vowed never to fight again, as few could stand up against one such as myself. I mean, I am buff. I am all muscle. I am not just some scrawny kid in glasses. I'M NOT!!!!
After teaching Malfoy that he shouldn't mess with the friends of a black belt in karate like myself, I humbly went to Dumbledore's office to nurse my black eye. The fact that Malfoy got a hit in was purely intentional. I didn't want to humiliate him too badly, so I took pity on him and let him hit me.
So there we were in Dumbledore's office: Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and myself. Dumbledore told us that fighting in the great Hall was strictly forbidden, although he did compliment me on my smooth moves, and offered to let me teach a course. I had to decline, as I am but a student myself. A very brilliant, handsome, and humble student. Yes, I am an unparalleled genius, able to cast spells that Dumbledore himself has probably never heard of. True, I have been called the 'Mighty Sex God of Hogwar~~
[Several squiggly lines]
Hermione took my journal from my hands as I was writing in it. She said there's no point in writing things down in a journal if I don't tell it right. She even had the nerve to read parts of it out loud to Ron, who looked rather amused. It really didn't do much to my ego when they both started laughing over the 'sex god' part. Just because I'm a virgin gives them no reason to laugh. Er, forget I said that last part. Scratch it out.
So Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and myself were sitting in Dumbledore's office, getting our arses chewed out for fighting. He was shocked and disappointed and blah blah blah. McGonagall then sent in Fred and George, who were busted for taking bets on the fight, and trying to instigate a riot or something. Dumbledore gave us all a choice. We could either work at Burger Mart for an undetermined period of time, or face expulsion.
I wished that I had called Dumbledore on his bluff. Expulsion would have been preferable to the hell better known as Burger Mart.
I received what was possible the worst job there: front counter. Yes, I was the one who had to deal with the idiots who waddled their way into our new workplace. We were excused from classes to attend to our jobs. Hermione somehow managed to score the sweet job of assistant manager, which made no sense as there was no actual manager. But she was the one who got to boss us all around, and do practically nothing. Ron also got to do practically nothing, as he worked the drive-thru. As Hogsmeade is an all-wizard village, there aren't too many people with cars there. Fred and George were regulated to cooking the food, which made me wonder how long it would take until we were shut down by whatever the wizarding world has that does health inspections. Malfoy got to wear a clown suit and pass out flyers outside.
I take back what I said before about having the worst job there. As bad as working the front counter might be, it was better than Malfoy's job.
He must not have been doing a very good job, as there were very few customers. That is to say, there were none. I contemplated on whether to join Fred, George, and Ron as they had a 'burger fight' in the back. Hermione yelled at me as I was about to go back there and join them. Why she didn't yell at them I'll never know. Scratch that, I have my suspicions on why she didn't yell at them.
About an hour after the burger fight ended, I decided it was time to go on break. Nobody was coming, and I noticed that Fred and George weren't in the back. Hermione was nowhere to be found either. I didn't think anything of it at first, as Ron told me they were in the break room. So I went back there, and immediately wished I hadn't.
I want to be making this up. I do not want to be shelling out my hard-inherited money on a therapist for the rest of my life. But as much as I wished that I was making this next part up, I'm not.
As I walked into the break room, I was granted with the sight of Hermione riding one of the twins while giving a blow job to the other. It was a sight I could have gone my entire life without seeing.
I quickly retreated from the break room, wondering what would happen if I cast Obliviate on myself. As I approached Ron, he had the utter nerve to say, "I should warn you that Hermione's having a threesome with Fred and George in the break room."
No shit, Ron. You couldn't have told me that before I walked in on them?
Scratch what I said earlier about paying for my therapy bills myself. Ron would be sent all bills for my therapy. I briefly pondered the pros and cons of murdering Ron and then killing myself, and was finding that I really couldn't find too many cons, when the door mooed. Yes, that's right. The door mooed. Over the door there's some sort of noisemaker that moos when the door is opened.
I went back to the front to see who it was, and possibly ask them to cast Obliviate on me. I could only stand there gaping as Voldemort sauntered up to the front counter, casually as could be. He told me that his Death Eaters were getting a bit peckish, and ordered 49 cheeseburgers.
"And one side salad," he said. "I'm a vegetarian. I believe that killing animals for food is wrong."
Are you freaking kidding me? The guy who murdered my parents and god only knows how many others was a vegetarian because he believed that killing animals for food was wrong?!
"Er, our cooks are currently occupied. It might take a while," was how I responded.
Voldemort looked a bit disappointed at first, but then shrugged. "Oh, well. We were more in the mood for tacos anyway."
As he walked away from the counter, it suddenly occurred to me just why the cooks were occupied. Unfortunately, as I begged for him to kill me and put me out of my misery, he just turned and smiled at me.
"Silly boy. That's next Tuesday." Without another word, Voldemort left the building.
I really hated my life sometimes. I don't know what I must have done to deserve such punishment. Maybe I was a baby-eating, virgin-raping troll in a past life or something, because it must have been really bad.
Not long after Voldemort left, the door mooed again, and Malfoy walked in. He started yelling at me to stop scaring the customers away. I told him to go to hell. Then I changed my mind and told him to go to the break room. Hey, if I had to be traumatized, I wasn't going to be the only one.
Well, by that point Hermione was apparently done with the twins, as she came out of the back and overheard me telling Malfoy to go to the break room. She started yelling at me for rudely walking in on her, and then trying to get other people to walk in on her. Malfoy just looked at us in confusion, having no idea that Hermione had been having a threesome with Fred and George in the break room just minutes ago. I let Hermione yell, as I was in no mood to argue with her about it. While she was yelling at me, Malfoy slipped back outside. Git.
I tried to tune out the sound of Hermione yelling. I was well aware that Fred and George were now watching us from the open window that let you see into the back. I honestly don't think I could look at any of them the same way ever again. I mean, it didn't surprise me much that the twins would take part in a threesome like that. But Hermione? Of all the girls at Hogwarts, why Hermione? What could a nerdy little bookworm like her possible have to interest them?
[The handwriting changes here from Harry's handwriting to Hermione's]
It may interest you to know, Harry, that not every boy at school thinks of me as just some 'nerdy little bookworm'. Fred and George, for instance, see me as a highly desirable sex kitten. And let me go on to say that I keep them very satisfied. Your immature views of sex is probably the reason why you're still a virgin. Even Ron beat you in that department, having shagged Lavender Brown. So keep your mouth shut about things you know nothing about. What I share with Fred and George is none of your business, but if you insist on making it your business, let me just tell you that they still find me highly desirable even after finding out that I'm pregnant.
[The handwriting changes again, this time to Ron's handwriting]
I was trying to find out why Harry went catatonic, and read this. Blimey, Hermione, you're pregnant? Do you know whose it is?
[Handwriting change to Hermione's]
It could be either Fred's or George's. We're not sure, but they said it doesn't matter. They're both going to be in our child's life, and I'm going to be moving in with them this summer. They've secured premises for their joke shop, and it has a small flat above it.
[Handwriting change to Ron's]
Cor, Hermione, congratulations! I'm going to be an uncle! Wait, does my mum know about this yet?
[Handwriting change to Harry's]
I go for a five minute break, and find that Hermione's been writing in my journal. After being given a sedative by Madam Pomfrey, I feel much better now.
Burger Mart didn't have many more customers since Voldemort, who really isn't that bad a guy once you get to know him. There was this one really fat guy, and then some lady surrounded by a whole bunch of screaming kids, but other than that, things were quiet.
Quiet. Much like the common room is now. Not many students are left out here. Hermione had long since retired to the seventh year boys' dormitory. I really do wish for all the best between her and the twins. Ginny Weasley is still in the common room, working on her homework. She has pretty hair. It's the same color as the fire in the fireplace. I wonder what would happen if I set her hair on fire?
[There is another handwriting change, this time to someone unknown]
Having read the journal of one Mr. Harry J. Potter, it has come to the conclusion of the staff at St. Mungo's Hospital that he is to be kept under observation in our psychiatric ward for an unknown length of time. We have assured her parents that young Miss Ginny Weasley's hair will grow back, and no permanent damage has been done.
The restaurant known as Burger Mart has been closed down until further notice after an investigation was made into the activities that allegedly occurred there. It was determined that the clown suit they had one of their employees wear was far too similar to that of Ronald McDonald, registered trademark of the McDonalds' chain of fast food hamburgers. Until Burger Mart can come up with a new mascot, they are to remain closed.
We at St. Mungo's really do hope for the speedy recovery of Mr. Potter, and our sympathies to his friends and family, as coping with someone with as many deep psychological problems as he has can be rather trying. For now, we shall lock this journal in his therapist's desk until such a time as he is ready to confront his own demons. Until then, this shall be the final entry.
~Finis~