Note: This is just a short one part thing I wrote about the summer between Twilight and New Moon when Edward is away on a hunting trip. I was listening to music today and thinking about them and it just popped in my head what their summer must have been like.
Music: I'll Find A Way - Rachael Yamagata
They Weren't There - Missy Higgins
Be Here Now - Ray LaMontagne
Quiet like this is deafening.
Time, minutes, all but take over my existence on days like these. Laying as still as possible, heart pounding as if to count the seconds, I stare at the darkened sky. From my bed I can see the tops of the trees and the grey clouds that slowly move their way across the length of the window. Morning. The moment my eyes opened I was filled with a dread that was as unhealthy as it was unwanted.
Unhealthy? Certainly. To lose yourself so deeply in another person. To count the seconds, literally, until they were even in the same vicinity. To be rendered totally helpless and love every second of it. To hand your soul over to them for their keeping simply because you didn't have a choice. Each of these things had happened to me. So intensely and so suddenly. I felt the corner of my mouth rise without my permission at the thought that...I was certain that noone else had ever felt this way in the history of the world. They couldn't have.
I sat up in bed and crossed my legs under the sheets not wanting to tear my eyes from the window. It had only been a day but it felt like an eternity. Hours could be cruel things with absolutely no mercy. I suppose it's silly to feel this way. Desperate, something very similar to the end of the world. Knowing that he'd be back by this time tomorrow, I let out a sigh and swung my legs over the side of the bed resting my bare feet on the cold wood floor. The chill immediately made me miss his cool touch all the more. Another sigh.
Everything had changed and standing in front of the mirror in my darkened room, I knew I would never be the person I was. I'd never laugh the same naive laugh or cry the same tears. I looked different. Turning my head from side to side so I could better see myself, I could tell that I had changed. Not the huge transformation that had taken place on the inside, no, but definitely different. Maybe I thought that because of what my eyes had seen. What I had felt. There's no way anything about me could be the same.
I had transformed.
Time wasn't measured the same anymore. Like I was somehow living in a totally separate world from everyone around me. Like now, standing in the shower watching the room fill up with steam I had lost track of how long I'd been standing here, deciphering whether or not this summer had been a dream. The most wonderful dream a mind was able to dream. I giggled halfheartedly at myself, wondering how I must look to everyone else. Always in a daze. Always oblivious to their world, wandering in mine.
At least a week ago I'd made a list of things to do today. Things to occupy myself to keep from doing this very thing. Thinking too much. Missing him too much. So much I could hardly breathe.
I glared at the list scribbled on a notepad sitting on the desk by the computer. Not one thing on that list looked appealing. Not breakfast, not shopping, not reading, not cleaning, nothing.
I wadded the list into a ball and grabbed my ipod. A walk. I need to get out of here before I smother.
It was still grey and overcast but warm. The perfect day, or what would be the perfect day if Edward were here. We'd spent so much time on days just like this learning about each others worlds. Moments I'd never forget. Those were the moments in which I'd lost myself. Lost the meaning of time, lost all knowledge of anything beyond him and I. Transcending time and space all together.
The ground was damp and the bright green ferns wet my legs as I brushed by them. I slowed when a familiar song came into the shuffle rotation and turned the volume up.
I followed the familiar path from the house into the woods singing along, looking for a place to stop. It seemed to be getting darker, clouds heavily looming over the trees causing mist to form in some parts of the forest. It was beautiful but a little eerie. I noticed a familiar spot where a tree had fallen to make a perfect shelter. It was dry so I sat, bringing my legs up and hugging them to my chest. Another song caught my breath.
You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew...
Eyes closed I listened to the entire song, it seemed, without breathing. This was the longest day. I knew hunting trips were necessary but that didn't change my resentment toward them. I worried every now and then about the level of unworldly attachment I had. Not being able to function properly when he was away. That's something I'd never expected to feel or have happen, ever. If it had been anyone else I'd have torn myself away, knowing it was for the best. But it was him. The way he looked at me, the way he touched me and held me and what I saw when I looked into this eyes. That was the difference.
My mind wandered to where he was. Was he thinking of me? Missing me? I'd never tell him how pathetic I was when he was away. He could never know that.
A light mist started to fall and I tucked my ipod in the pocket of my jeans to keep it dry. I thought about walking home but the air was warm and the rain felt cool as it lightly speckled my face.
The second I heard the next song my eyes filled with tears. I closed them, letting the hotness spill down onto my cheeks.
Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
The music enveloped me and held me there against my will. For a split second I feared I'd smother here too. I jumped to my feet spinning around to glare at the tree as if it had stung me. Suddenly I felt tired. Like an entire day had passed when in reality it had only been hours.
I wanted him here. With all my might I wished him home. I chanted the words of the song in my head, eyes closed tight. Be here now, here now. I felt my heart pounding in my chest almost making me dizzy. I opened my eyes to back away toward home and gasped.
He was there.
He looked tense, like he was surprised to see me here, although I knew that was impossible. His eyes were worried, his face intense. Realizing I had been crying I wiped at my face. Before my hand made contact he was there, wiping the tears away. My eyes closed at his touch and I felt the tense breath I'd been holding seep out slowly. His hands searched my face, my forehead, my neck. His lips pressed against mine feverishly.
I knew I'd never understand how he could heal me so quickly. Like the past two days hadn't existed at all. Relief was immediate, all forgotten with a single kiss. He pulled away, his smoldering eyes peering into me and smiled. A relieved smile. Like me missed me.
"I...I missed you." I said in a ragged breath, barely above a whisper.
'I missed you' sounded so empty. Meaningless compared to what I felt. He pulled me closer to him placing his lips on my forehead and sighed. "I missed you so much." he whispered. " I had to come back. I couldn't stand another day."
We stood there for quite sometime, as close as we could press our bodies together, my face against his chest. The rain was falling harder, soaking us both, but I barely noticed. When we finally parted Edward took my hand and led me slowly deeper into the woods. Neither of us spoke. We walked until we reached the river, stopping at the bank. We lowered ourselves onto the huge rocks at the edge and I kicked out of my shoes, dipping my feet in the water. The rain ceased to sprinkles as I laid back on the warm rock pulling my hair above me. Edward took his time kissing each of my fingers, looking into my eyes as he did so sending waves of something, something only Edward could do, through my body.
Not able at that moment to handle the weight of his stare, I looked away. He was too much. I heard a low chuckle from him and assumed it was my heart fluttering embarrassingly in my chest. When I looked back at him, it was suddenly night. Had we laid here the rest of the day?
I giggled as well and turned on my left side to face him propping my head up with my hand. He mimicked my actions and kissed my nose, locking his left hand with my right.
"Nights are my favorite." I thought aloud. Really talking more to myself.
"Mine too." He whispered.
On nights like this when the sky was clear and there were thousands of stars in the sky we'd sit and stare at them. That's when we always had our best conversations. I'd always ask too many questions that he was always eager to answer. I'd stare at him while he was off in another time and place describing things he'd seen. Places he'd been and people he'd met. I was always amazed. It was like reading the best book ever, not being able to put it down and the best stories never ending.
"Did you know that I love you?" he asked in a low voice, suddenly serious.
Every nerve in my body reacted. I felt the bumps rise on my arms and my heartbeat rise right along with them. "More than anything?" he added to his question.
"I know you love me" slipped from my lips. It was true... and that was all that mattered. Not what was going to happen when school started or if I was going to turn eighteen in a few months, against my better judgement. Not what anyone else thought or wanted. Not even the fact that I knew his throat was burning with desire for my blood right this very second. That all seemed so irrelevant when he was here, looking into my eyes, telling me he loved me.