Author's Note: The following is a sex-Ed course presented by Leopold "Butters" Stotch to the South Park Public School system. It is meant to be read in Butters' voice as he explains to students what to do when their penis gets hard, or their vagina gets moist.
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Intro
Umm, hi fellas. It's me, Butters. I'm here to talk to the class about sex-u-al ed-u-ca-tion. First of all, welcome to puberty, you're about to enter a magical world of fantastical new experiences. Now this is a challenging time for little boys and girls to go through and can be a little confusing sometimes but have no fear as you navigate the treacherous waters between you and adulthood for I, Butters will be your guide.
By this time some of you may start finding yourself interested in members of the opposite gender in a way that you've never been before. Girls are no longer icky to the boys and boys are no longer dirty and smelly to the girls. Some of you may even be feeling things for members of the same gender too, we call those people ho-mo-sex-u-als and we'll talk about that later on in the 3rd section of this lesson. Right now let's stick to boy-girl relations as not to confuse ya'll that might already be confused; Tweek, Craig, I'm looking at you two. These feelings might seem a little weird, even uncomfortable but I assure you they are completely normal. Some of you might not have these feelings yet, that's ok, ya'll might just be late bloomers. Just give it time and eventually it'll happen, if it doesn't well then I don't know what to tell you and this class isn't for you.
Let's start off with the basics. What is sex? Sex is when the penis enters an orifice like the va-gi-na, mouth or asshole. There are also things called footjobs and handjobs but my good buddy Bill Clinton told me those don't count as sex. When should I have sex? That's easy, 17. Our very own school cafeteria Chef told me that much. Another thing fellas, these days you have to get consent forms signed and notarized before you can "crush puss". Crushing puss is another name for sex-u-al in-ter-course. These forms can be obtained in PC Principals office.
Ok, class I hear you giggling back there. Some of ya'll are probably going to find this funny, words like penis and vagina sound kinda silly huh don't they? We'll all get more out of this class if you can just zip it mister and be mature for a few minutes here. We've got six sections to get through, I'll be teaching five of them and Mr. Garrison will come up from the kindergarten to teach the last one since I'm not really sure how to describe a Dirty Sanchez to ya'll without laughing a little myself. He's more of the expert in those matters but your good Ol' pal Butters has got you covered for everything else. Alright then let's get to it fellas!