Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda cause if I did there would be a third movie where Po and Tigress fall in love.
Catnip
It was a normal day at the Jade Palace with Po the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five training while Shifu told them how they could do better.
This of course ment that the Furious Five were doing fine and Shifu had to focus all his attention on Po as the poor panda was getting another beating by the Adversary.
"Po, you need to look at how you place your feet so you have a good grip on the ground and you won't be blown back again." Shifu explained using Oogway's staff to move the panda's feet.
"Now try again." he said gently and doing so Po hit the Adversary again and this time wasn't sent flying through the whole training hall as he was able to block the impact.
"I think I get it. Thanks for the help, Master Shifu." Po said smiling greatfully at his teacher who nodded and looked over at the others.
Eveything kept going on for a while when then Zeng the messager bird came flying in only to get accidentallly hit in the face by Tigress sending him flying up to the Talon Rings where Monkey was swinging from ring to ring and then in the middle of a jump kicked Zeng in the chest making the black goose fall into the Jade Tortiose where he kept sliding around inside untill Crane jumped on the edge of the bowl with a lot of force in a attempt to Zeng able to get out but he was only launched onto the Wooden Warriors where he spun around on one and then landed on the Field of Fiery Death where he was burnt to a crisp.
"Zeng! Oh dear, are you alright?" Viper asked after she pulled him to safer grounds where everyone leaned over him with worried faces.
"Y-yes, I'm fine but there are bandits in the village!" Zeng gasped.
"Go to the village and stop those bandits while I take care of Zeng!" Shifu ordered Po and the Furious Five and obeying they left to the village.
When they reached the center of the village they saw a group of aggressive gorilla bandits grabing everything that looked like it could bring up some money, breaking everything that didn't look like that and attacking innocent people who were running for their lives being scared to death.
"Hey, stop that right now or you will have to face the Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five!" Po screamed but instead of listening the bandits attacked.
"Uhg! I hate gorillas!" Viper yelled hitting one of the bandits with her tail when everyone started fighting.
"We know about that, Viper. You don't have to go into a flashback about your past." Crane groaned kicking another gorilla.
"Can we just get rid of these guys?" Mantis asked spinning a bandit above his head.
"Sure!" the others answerred the insect and they won the battle in record time.
"Who wants to take care of the last one?" Tigress asked as there was only still one bandit standing.
"The honor is your's my, dear lady." Monkey said dramaticly motioning over to the bandit with his arms and bowing down for her.
"You're such a gentlemen." she replied smirking before launching herself at the bandit and kicking him in the chest making him fly away.
What she however didn't expect was the bandit to grab her arm making her fly along with him and crash through a wall.
"Tigress!" the others yelled running over to the wall.
When they reached the wall they saw Tigress and the bandit lying unconsious in a small mountain of purple plants.
"What am I smelling?" Mantis asked sniffing the air.
"I'm smelling it to and it seems familiar but I can't put my tail around it." Viper agreed looking around.
"Who cares what that smell is? We need to get Tigress back to the Jade Palace!" Po yelled and already started to make his way back to the palace but he stopped when he heard Crane calling out to him.
"Uhm… Po? Don't you think it would be easier to bring Tigress to the palace if we would actually take her with us?" the bird asked motioning over to Monkey who had lifted the feline on his back.
"Uhm… yeah, good idea! Here, Monkey, let me take her over from you." Po said running back to the group and went to strand in front of Monkey with his arms stretched out but just as Monkey turned around to let Po pick tigress off of his back the tiger threw her arms around his neck so she was clinging onto him and she didn't wanna let go.
"Sorry, but it seems Tigress doesn't wanna be caried by you, Po." Crane chuckled watching the panda standing there shocked.
"Don't worry, buddy. I know you like Tigress and to me she is like a sister so you don't have to get jealous." Monkey said smiling at how his friend blushed when his crush on the feline had been mentioned.
"Yeah, Monkey here has already set his eyes on a fox that works at the fruit store." Mantis decided to help his black and white friend and to tease his golden friend.
"At least both me and Po keep our eyes on only one girl each while you look at every woman's chest." Monkey shot back glaring at the insect who then glared back.
"I never do that!" Mantis yelled.
"Mantis, everyone can see you staring." Crane said in a as-a-mather-of-fact tone.
"Crane's right, even someone who's blind can see it." Po joined in.
"Dude, if someone is blind it means that that person can't see anything." Monkey said raising a eyebrow.
"Oh… Well, people who are blind can still notice Mantis staring!" Po tried to recover his mistake.
"Do you really think that if I do that - wich I don't do - that blind people would hear it or something like that?" Mantis asked smirking and crossing his pinchers.
"Well, sometimes when you do it you are huffing like a dog." Crane answerred.
Mantis was about to reply to that when Viper poked her head in the middle of the circle the guys had formed in their weird talk and she yelled "GUYS!"
"AHHHH! WHAT?" they yelled back after almost getting a heart-attack.
"We need to get tigress back to the palace so Master Shifu can take a look at her." Viper explained much softer now.
Realising that she was right they started to make their way back to the palace but as they were moving Mantis kept glancing back to where the fight had been and Viper noticed.
"Is it about that strange smell from there?" the serpent asked her friend and he nodded.
"I just can't help but feel like there was something wrong." he explained.
"When Tigress is save I'll go back with you so we might find out what that smell was." Viper promised and they then hurried to catch up woth the others.
Ten minutes later Tigress was lying on her bed in her room while Shifu inspected her head for any injuries and Po, Monkey and crane stood by the closed door waiting for their master to say something while Mantis and viper had indeed gone back into the village.
Sighing Shifu turned around to face his three waiting students who all leaned in to hear what he had to say.
"She isn't hurt seriously but she will need a lot of rest." the old red panda said and the others sighed in relief.
"She won't give herself any rest! Me and Viper just went back to the village to see what that smell was that we noticed and we found out that Tigress had fallen in a mountain of…" Mantis yelled as he and Viper came storming into the room while holding one of the plants in his pincher.
"Of what?" Shifu asked raising a eyebrow.
"Of…" Mantis said again.
"Of…?" the master and other three students asked leaning in.
"Of..."
"Of…?"
"Of…"
"Of…?"
"…"
"…?"
"JUST GET ON WITH IT AND TELL THEM!" Viper yelled as she was getting annoyed with the insect's anticts and the fact that the others including Shifu were going along with it.
Blushing lightly Mantis cleared his throat and got to the point "Ahem… Tigress has fallen into a mountain of… CATNIP!"
Shifu, Monkey and Crane all gasped as lightning flashed outside while it had been a nice sunny day just a few seconds ago.
"Can someone please tell me what the big deal is about Tigress having breath in some catnip?" Po asked as he didn't understood what the problem was.
"Po, Tigress is a tiger and a tiger is a cat and cats start acting weird when they breath in catnip and since this is Tigress we are talking about, she will act completely insane and not the funny-kind of insane but the I'm-a-pink-bear-with-three-heads-that-has-formed-a-rockband-with-a-leaky-sprinkler-and-a-zombie-deer-that-went-though-a-meatgrinder-kind of insane." Mantis explained and again lightning flashed outside.
"How the hell did you come up with the second kind of insane?" Po asked.
"He got it from this scroll." Crane answerred pulling a scroll from under his hat and showing it to Po.
"Who is the crazy weirdo with a supermessed up live that wrote this?" Po asked as it indeed stood in the scroll.
"Master Oogway wrote that scroll." Shifu answerred glaring at the panda who flinched.
"Okay… Moving back to Tigress! How do you guys know that she will go completely insane instead of getting high like other cats do?" Po asked trying to change the topic.
"She has had catnip a few times before and she did the kind of things that could even give Tai Lung and Shen nightmares if you wouldn't have killed them and they heard about it." Viper told.
"What kind of thing did she do?" Po asked leaning in.
"Come on guys, I'm the Dragon Warrior and I have battled the scarriest people in China! I can handle it!" the big bear yelled when he saw the others hesitate.
"Allright, but everyone of us wil only tell you one thing." Shifu said sternly and started.
"One time when Tigress had had catnip she thought I was a big white and red rat and she chased me all over the Valley of Peace with a huge mouse-trap trying to catch me and throw me onto the boat to the other side of China where a huge village filled with rats is and those rats are all gansters. I had been there one time before and when I had been just walking around a baby jumped on top of me, held a knife against my throat, took my money and left. Because Tigress had gone insane I almost had to go to that place again!"
When the red panda was done everyone was staring at him with wide eyes.
The eyes of four members of the Furious Five being wide because they believed it as they had heard it more often and Po's eyes being wide because he was shocked.
"Are you kidding me?" he asked but his master just shook his head making it clear that the story was true.
Now Mantis stepped foreward looking like he had to go to the dentist.
"When Tigress had had catnip, she went into the village and painted every house in such a way that the houses looked so that only someone who was color-blind could maybe like it. She met someone who was color-blind and had a crush on me so she took her with her but that woman was a black widow who then tried to eat me and the worst thing was that Tigress was helping her in trying to catch me claiming that she always wanted to support 'true love'! That day I almost died and the next day all of us had to paint the village back to normal while Tigress was sleeping that whole day!" the insect yelled waving his pinchers so fast it looked like he had twenty onstead of two.
"Viper, your turn!" Mantis yelled pointing to Viper who took a deep breath and took her turn.
"The last time when Tigress had catnip she wanted to know where my arms, hands, legs and feet were and when I told her I didn't have those limbs she didn't believe me and then grabbed me and started pulling on my head and tail stretching me thinking she could see those limbs and she almost lupped me into two pieces. I had to let Mantis put his accupenture needles on me and because my body is different from that a the others it only hurt me more and it even lasted longer to finnally get everything right because Tigress also kept running into the room and pulled the needles that were placed right out of me and stuck all the needles on he wrong spots again!" Viper told.
"And because of that day Viper now has a fear of accupenture and everytime she is hurt now she wants to wear bandages for days instead of letting me patch her up with accupenture in one time." Mantis added.
"But enough about me because we are moving over to Monkey!" Viper yelled pointing at the primate.
"Alright… One time I was walking over the market in the village with Tigress and someone accidentally pushed catnip in her face. Tigress then went crazy and told me to wait where I was so she could go get a friend for me and then she run away before I got to say anything. When she returned I couldn't believe my eyes because behind her was… A MUTANT BANANA TWO TIMES AS BIG AS TIGRESS! It said that I ate his whole family and then it grabbed me and ate me! The worst thing was that when it said that and it grabbed me and ate me, Tigress had just been standing there laughing and clapping her hands the whole time. The others here managed to get the banana to puke me up but when I was inside that banana I saw things… Things wich a monkey should never see…" Monkey shuddered when he said the last lines.
"Okay… Crane, it's your turn!" Po yelled looking over at the bird who looked scared to death while remembering something.
"Crane, you don't need to tell him." Shifu told Crane gently stroking the avian's back.
"I-I'll be fine, Master Shifu." Crane choked out and then gulped and started his story.
"One time when Tigress had catbip she almost destroyed the whole Jade Palace and we all had to clean it up and try to keep Tigress calm. When it was in the evening Tigress had gone to her room and I thought she was asleep. I went to the bathhouse to take a bath and relax but just as I had gotten in the water the door opened revealing Tigress in just a towel! She walked over to me and said how she thought I was really handsome and then she kissed me! After she pulled away she threw her towel off and… and… WEEEEEHHHH!" Crane tried to tell his story but then he couldn't go anymore and dropped to his knees, then let his upper body fall down and he started crying loudly making fountains of tears come out of his eyes while he was covering his head with his wings.
"There, there, it's alright. You're safe now and me, Mantis and Monkey came in just in time to stop her so you don't have to cry." Viper said in a warm soothing voice gently stroking her friend's back with her tail and Shifu and Mantis tried to wipe the tears away wich wasn't easy since there kept coming more and more and more and more and blablabla…
"What happened?" Po asked staring at the scene before him.
"She almost raped him!" Monkey wispered in Po's ear but Crane heard and started crying harder.
"Easy now, she didn't succeed and we'll make sure she won't try it again." Shifu said letting the bird's head hang over his shoulder as he gently continued petting his back.
Crane then burped and stopped crying.
"Dude, how old are you again?" Po asked raising a eyebrow.
"That's what I was just about to ask." Monkey replied.
"Hey, leave him alone." Viper said looking worriedly over to the bird.
"I'm fine now, guys. Thanks for caring." Crane said after he finnally calmed down completely.
"Hmmmm…" could suddenly be heard from the bed and everyone turned around to see Tigress starting to wake up.
"AHHH!" Shifu, Monkey, Mantis, Crane and Viper yelled hugging eachother and hiding behind Po.
"Maybe she won't act insane this time." Po tried to calm everyone down as Tigress sat up completely and opened her eyes.
Again lightning flashed outside and during the flash Tigress eyes kept glowing giving her a scary appearance.
"I'll be in the bunker hiding so good luck with her!" Shifu yelled and then running away leaving everyone else behind.
"Did Master Shifu just leave us alone with Tigress?" Viper asked in disbelief.
"I'm afraid so." Crane replied as everyone slowly turned to Tigress who was staring at them and then smiled sweetly.
"Helloooooooo!" she yelled and everyone flinched.
"Uhm… Hey, Tigress!" Po greeted her back and her eyes widened when she saw him.
"Po! Po, the panda! I missed you but did you miss me?" Tigress asked putting on puppy-eyes while Po slowly backed up.
"Sure I missed you…" he replied as he also started to get scared.
"That's okay! But you are Po the panda so of course it's okay!" Tigress giggled and po was about to ask what she ment when she started singing.
"Po the panda is okay! We go jodaladiejee! Come and sing along with me! Panda panda panda! Yeah!" the tiger sang way out of tune and everyone else in the room covered their ears.
"Please don't sing that song that hard again." Mantis begged.
"Okay, Mantybanty!" Tigress replied and Mantis just stared at her and the others chuckled at the new nickname he had gotten.
"PO THE PANDA IS OKAY! WE GO JOLALADIEJEE! COME AND SING ALONG WITH ME! PANDA PANDA PANDA! YEAH!" Tigress then screamed as loud as she could scarring everyone so badly they jumped up and got their heads stuck in the ceiling.
"I thought I told you not to sing anymore!" Mantis yelled when he finnally pulled himself free.
"No, you said not to sin git as loud as I first did and now I didn't sing it that loud but louder!" Tigress protested and Mantis was about to yell something when Viper pulled herself free from the ceiling and slapped her tail over his mouth.
"Tigress, just forget what Mantis said and listen to me. Can you please not sing anything anymore?" the snake asked sweetly.
"Okay, talking skipping-rope!" Tigress yelled and with that Viper and Mantis fell down anime-style and Po, Monkey and Crane fell out of the ceiling.
"I'm not a skipping-rope!" Viper protested getting back up.
"Yes, you are a skipping-rope wich is good because I need to do some exercise!" Tigress yelled and then grabbed Viper by her head and the end of her tail and started swinging her around while jumping over her everytime the snake came towards her feet.
"Someone, please help! I'm getting sick!" Viper screamed as Tigress started to swing her faster.
Thinking fast Monkey quickly pulled a sack of dumplings out of po's pocket and held them up so Tigress could see them.
"Here, Tigress! Come get the dumplings! Come on, girl!" he yelled waving the sack around and Tigress's eyes followed it as she dropped Viper to the ground.
"Go get the dumplings!" the primate yelled throwing the sack into the farthest corner of the room and the feline lunched after it.
While Tigress was busy with the dumplings Po picked Viper up and together everyone run to away in search of a place that might be safe.
A few minutes later Po, Monkey, Mantis, Crane and Viper were all hiding in the bathhouse thought it had taken Po, Monkey, Mantis and Viper working together to get Crane to come with them as the bird first refused remembering what had happened to him the last time he went into the bathhouse when Tigress had catnip.
The five were now sitting close to the edge of the hot water.
Viper had wrapped herself around Crane's beak and Po was sitting on the his back so the bird wouldn't freak out and let Tigress know where they were.
Monkey and Mantis were sitting next to Crane hugging eachother.
"I love you, man." Mantis cried to Monkey.
"I love you too but not in a gay way." Monkey cried back making everyone else sweat-drop.
"Mantis, dude, don't tell me you did mean it in a gay way!" Monkey yelled to the insect who slapped his pinchers over Monkey's mouth.
"Not so loud! Of course I didn't mean it in a gay way. I just didn't think I would have to say it for you to relise it. if I would've been gay, then why would I have asked you to go with me buying flowers fort hat cute ladybug last week?" Mantis hissed in reply.
"Never mind." Monkey said but his voice was a little mufled because of Mantis's pinchers.
Suddenly a lot of noise could be heard coming from outside.
"What is that?" Viper asked.
"I'll take a look." Mantis said hoping over to a window and when he looked outside he gasped.
"What is it?" Po asked looking over at the smallest warrior.
"In the village there are millions of catnipplants." Mantis replied and now the others also gasped.
"If Tigress goes into the village she will smell them and stay crazy for longer!" Monkey yelled in horror.
"Will we have to live here for the rest of our lives?" Po asked getting up from Crane's back.
"We probably will but we can't do nothing! Let's start a huge family of kung fu warriors together. There is only one woman under us and I'll go first!" Mantis yelled as he already started to go crazy and he then tackled Viper to the ground.
"Wait a minute, a snake doesn't have a vagina. Hey, Viper, how do snakes make babies?" Mantis asked her serpent who glared at him.
"GET OFF OF ME! HOW SNAKES MAKE BABIES IS SOMETHING ONLY A SNAKE CAN UNDERSTAND AND EVEN IF I WOULD HAVE A VAGINA, I WOULD NEVER LET SOME PERVERT LIKE YOU ENTER ME!" Viper yelled throwing Mantis in the water and using her tail to hold him down.
"Uhm… Viper? I think you're drowning him." Po said nervously as he watched airbubbles go up from where Viper was holding Mantis down.
"WHO CARES? IF HE WANT TO FUCK SOMETHING THEN LET HIM FUCK THE WATER!" Viper screamed making the jaws of Po, Crane and Monkey fall on the ground as the weren't used to Viper using such language.
"Viper, if you kill him now you will feel really sorry later on!" Po yelled starting to panick as there weren't coming airbubbles from where Mantis was anymore.
"Fine." The snake murmurred pulling the insect out of the water revealing him to be unconsious.
"He's not beathing! Someone needs to give him CPR!" Crane yelled and they all looked over at Viper who glared but they then glared back.
"It's your fault he is like this so you need to give him CPR, Viper." Monkey said crossing his arms.
"And you are also the only woman. It would be akward if one of us gave him CPR since we're guys." he added.
Sighing Viper made her way over to the insect and was about to put her mouth against his when the door flew open revealing Tigress.
"AHHHHH!" the four consious hiding animals screamed.
Tigress just cocked her head lightly to the left and blinked and asked "What is wrong with Mantybanty?"
"Uhm… he slipped, fell in the water and almost drowed but we managed to safe him." Po lied as he didn't know what Tigress would do to Viper if she found out that the reptile almost killed the insect.
"You only got him out of the water but didn't safe him! He isn't breathing!" the big cat gasped and moved over to the little guy.
"I'll safe him!" she yelled and then put her mouth on his making Po feel slightly jealous but that went over when Tigress blew as hard as she could and Mantis's eyes snapped open and Tigress kept blowing.
Slowly Mantis's body was starting to grow bigger by all the air just like a balloon.
When Tigress finnally stopped blowing Mantis was a big as a elephant and when Tigress let go of him he flew through the whole bathhouse as all the air neede to get out of him and when he was finnally normal again Tigress picked him up and yelled "Come on, I've made lunch!" and she then grabbed the others too and run to the kitchen.
Running inside the kitchen she placed Po o none end of the table, Monkey and Viper next to eachother o none long side of the table and Crane and Mantis next to eachother on the other long side of the table leaving the end of the table opposite from Po for her.
After she placed everyone in a seat Tigress made her way to the stove and grabbed a big pan wich had some kind of grey slime coming over the edge.
"Here we go!" the tiger laughed happily placing the pan in the middle of the table.
Everyone got out of their seats and took a few steps back when a big blob of grey slime climed out of the pan and ploped in the middle of the table.
It let out a strange sound that sounded like a mix of a sick manatee and a broken recorder and then it jumped ontop of Crane's head.
"AHHH! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!" the poor bird yelled as the blob was trying to eat his head.
Po quickly run over to Crane and pulled the blob off and threw it out of the window.
"Bye, Mr blob! We'll miss you and don't forget to write!" Tigress yelled as the blob bounched towards the village.
"Bleh! I got some of his slime in my mouth." Crane complained.
"How did it taste?" Tigress asked with shiny eyes
"Uhm… nice… I guess…" Crane replied not wanting to hurt her feelings.
"Yay! He tasted good! Speaking about tasting, how do I taste? How do you guys taste? Who wants to taste me?" Tigress asked and Monkey, Crane, Mantis and Viper all stepped back leaving Po standing there.
"Okay, Po is gonna taste me but I still wanna know how you guys taste!" Tigress yelled and with the speed of lightning she licked the cheeks of the other four members of the Furious Five making them disgusted and then she walked over to Po and said "We can taste eachother at the same time!"
"Huh?" Po asked confused and was about to ask what she ment when she kissed him right on the lips.
Everyone's eyes gew wide and they became wider when Tigress pushed her tongue into Po's mouth.
"You taste good but do I taste good?" Tigress asked after she finnally pulled away.
"Oh yeah…" Po answerred with a goofy dreamy grin and Tigress smiled sweetly while the others still stood there staring.
"Wow, for Po this nightmare just turned into a dream." Mantis was the first to break the silence and Viper, Crane and Monkey could only nod.
"Oh Po!" a familiar voice then suddenly could be heard calling out.
"Dad!" the panda yelled turning around and then the door of the kitchen opened and Mr Ping came running inside and jumped into his son's arms.
"Po, I've gotten my hands on something wonderfull!" the goose yelled pulling a box from behind his back.
"What is wonderfull?" Tigress asked.
"This! I have gotten my wings on a special type of cheese!" he laughed pushing the box into her face and opening the box revealing a big chunk of cheese lying insede wich smelled like hell.
Tigress went cross-eyed mumbled something and then fainted.
"Mr Ping, you saved us!" Viper yelled as she and the guys tacked the goose in a big hug.
"What do you mean by that?" Mr Ping asked confused.
"To make a long story short, Tigress breathed in some catnip and went crazy." Mantis explained.
"Well, some people also call me crazy but you're not scared of me, right?" Mr Ping asked smiling gently.
"Not that kind of crazy. Ity was the kind of crazy like this." Mantis said and started shaking his head wildly with his tongue sticking out that was flying along and he rolled his eyes in different derections.
When he was doing that the sound of a cuckoo-clock was heard.
"Allright, allright, I get it!" Mr Ping yelled as he was getting Mantis's spit all over himself.
Anyway… When Tigress waked up she will be completely normal again." Crane said.
"But untill then, why don't you all come with me for some noodles?" Po's father offered and everyone agreed with that so they put Tigress in bed leaving her a note and then they left.
When they walked down the stairs Viper stopped to look back up to the Jade Palace
"Viper, what's wrong?" Crane asked her.
"I just a a feeling like we're forgetting something." she replied.
"Don't worry, now is the time for us to go and relax." Monkey said putting his hand on her back gently pushing her to the village.
But little did they know that they were indeed forgetting something as twenty feet under the Jade Palace in a bunker Shifu was sitting rocking himself back and forth wearing a helmet and sucking his thumb on one hand and holding a pink teddybear covered in heart in his other hand and in his head he just kept saying 'It's allright Shifu. You've got teddy to protect you. hust think of happy thing.'
The End
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