Flagg Day
Hawkeye approached the jeep that had just barreled into the compound, taking one look at its driver and groaning.
"What are you doing here, Flagg?"
The colonel squinted at him. Lots of squinting with this guy. Maybe he needed glasses.
"Hunnicutt? No, O'Reilly… right?"
He needed glasses and a scorecard and probably some sanity, too. Sure couldn't hurt.
"I'm Pierce," Hawkeye said helpfully. "But you would've gotten it eventually."
"Of course. Pierce. I knew that." He jumped out of the jeep, waving a hand around as his eyes suspiciously scanned the camp. "I was called in. Top secret. Not for your ears, Pierce, unless you've been promoted to colonel since the last time I was here."
"Perish the thought," Hawkeye said. "Col. Potter's in his office. Waiting with bated breath for your arrival, I'm sure."
Flagg stabbed a finger in Hawkeye's direction. "Don't get cute with me!"
"I can't help it—this is what nature gave me," Hawkeye retorted as Flagg sauntered off in the direction of Potter's office.
Potter stared at Flagg, wondering if he could have possibly forgotten calling for the intelligence officer. But no, something as significant as that wouldn't have slipped his mind. And anyway, even when he did need an intelligence officer to come around, he never requested this particular one.
"Wanna let me in on why you're here, Flagg?" he finally asked, hoping he wasn't coming across as some addle-brained old man.
"You oughtta know, Colonel," Flagg replied predictably. "Now where is he?"
"Where's who?" Potter rubbed his temples. He was getting a headache from this conversation.
Flagg looked around the office, but of course they were the only two there. "Top secret. Hush-hush."
Potter spread his hands. "You can tell me. It's my camp."
Flagg leaned a little closer. "The patient that you suspect of being a spy. Where is he?"
Potter still didn't know what he was talking about. Time to call in the cavalry. "Radar!" he bellowed. "Come in here!"
Radar burst into the office, doing an immediate double-take at the sight of Col. Flagg. "How'd you get in here? I was in my office the whole time…"
Potter didn't even want to spend time going down that road. Flagg may be paranoid, overzealous, narcissistic, and crazy… but you had to give him credit: he was awfully good at creeping his way around a camp.
"Radar, did we call for Col. Flagg regarding a patient of ours?"
Radar's brow furrowed as he thought. "No, I don't think so, sir. And wouldn't you know if we did?"
Potter couldn't argue with that logic. He turned back to Flagg. "I really don't think anyone here made that call."
Flagg was looking dangerously close to blowing a gasket. Pointing at Potter with his thumb, he barked, "Don't play games with me! My time is valuable! Somebody called me out here—now I wanna know which patient is the spy so I can take him into custody."
Potter knew better than to antagonize this man any further. He always was one step away from going loco. He held up his hands in a "calm down" motion. "OK, settle down, Flagg. I'll call a meeting of my officers… we'll get to the bottom of this."
Potter looked from Hawkeye to Margaret to B.J. to Charles. Nobody was saying anything. Not that Potter was surprised. He knew that if his officers had suspected a patient of being a spy, they would have talked the matter over with him instead of just picking up the phone and calling Army Intelligence.
"See, Flagg, what did I tell you? I knew nobody here had called you in," Potter said as the blank stares continued.
Flagg was squinting and looking furious. It was almost his normal expression, except to the nth degree. "You people don't want to get on my bad side," he growled.
"Now wait a minute, Colonel," Margaret piped up. "Don't threaten us. Nobody here has done anything wrong. Maybe you went to the wrong M*A*S*H unit. Maybe the 8063rd was the one that called."
Potter hadn't thought of that, but it made sense. "That's right," he said, "maybe it was some other unit."
"That seems to be the only logical explanation," Charles added. "Since it's obvious we didn't summon you."
Hawkeye cracked, "His mind's not what it used to be. If it ever was."
Potter watched as Flagg seemed to back off a little, perhaps realizing that it was possible he'd gone to the wrong camp. He said nothing, only looked around at the assembled group, his mind apparently working overtime. Potter waited, wondering if the colonel was going to end up exploding after all, like some deranged time bomb.
"All right," Flagg finally said, and Potter exhaled with relief. "I'll let you people off the hook. This time! But don't let it happen again."
Margaret's expression was one of utter disbelief. "Let what happen again? We haven't done anything!"
Potter motioned to her to just let it go. They were getting rid of Flagg, and that was all that mattered. Let somebody else deal with this lunatic. They had enough craziness around here without adding him to the mix.
Later, in the mess tent, Potter couldn't help noticing that Pierce and Hunnicutt were laughing much too hysterically considering all they were doing was eating a simple dinnertime meal of meat loaf and peas. He sat down across from them at the table and eyed them suspiciously. "OK, out with it. What's so funny… as if I don't have a sinking feeling that I already know?"
Hawkeye, still giggling a little, tilted his head at B.J. "You tell him, Beej. It was your idea."
B.J. gave his commanding officer an apologetic look that didn't seem entirely genuine. "Uh, well… We were the ones who called Intelligence and requested that Col. Flagg come out here today."
Potter, who had already surmised that much, shook his head. Some days, it was like being a babysitter in this place. "OK, I give up. Why on God's green earth did you do that?"
Hawkeye started laughing again, and B.J. explained with a shrug, "It's June 14th, sir. Flagg Day."