COMING CLEAN
Monica entered the Quartermaine mansion still shaken after the events of the day. Going in front of the hospital board and learning of her subsequent suspension was humiliating enough, but the fact that Edward and Tracy had to be witness to the sordid details of her getting caught drinking at work was even worse. She felt their eyes piercing through her all throughout the meeting and all she could think of was how grateful she was that Alan wasn't sitting there listening to this too. The events of the past two days were still a blur – Epiphany walking into her office catching her, flask in hand, Dr. Ford having security escort her from the hospital premises, and now , today, sitting in front of the board of directors. Dr. Ford suspended her for an indefinite amount of time and mandated proof of completion of a rehab program before she'd even be considered for probationary return. Her actions would also be submitted to the state medical board, and she ran the risk of losing her medical license, either temporarily or permanently. She still didn't think her "problem" as everyone called it was all that bad. The alcohol calmed her nerves, cleared her head, and she falsely assumed she functioned better with it. The demons of the past year haunted her less and she was able to continue with life as before everything fell apart. Or so she thought…
She entered the den to find that Alice had thrown out all the liquor from the bar. The only thing that remained was club soda and water. Monica searched frantically for a bottle in the cupboards below the bar, but everything was gone. Edward and Tracy must have seen to it that everything was cleared out. Monica was furious at their overreaction. She headed up toward her bedroom and quickly opened her bedside drawers…they too were emptied of the bottles she used to keep there. A small drink or two before she went to bed helped her sleep peacefully, she rationalized. There was still the wine cellar….she tore down into the basement of the mansion only to find everything there under lock and key. By this time her hands were shaking and her anger was at a boiling point. She knew arguing with Alice or Edward was futile, so she headed out on her own. The first stop was the local liquor store, where she made a few purchases, and then she decided to stop at the Port Charles hotel. She was greeted by Donny, the bartender and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After a few of these, Monica felt herself calming and was ready to return home. As she stood up, she momentarily lost her balance. Donny took notice. "Hey, Dr. Quartermaine, how bout you let me call your driver or a cab?"
"No, thank you, I am perfectly capable of getting myself home." She insisted and took off before Donny could say more to stop her.
She drove home with some difficulty, swerving often as she negotiated the roads back to the mansion. Once home she took her purchases up to her room and attempted to strategically hide them. She saved one bottle to open now and took another drink before passing out in her bed, the days' events far from her thoughts.
When she awoke the next morning - the bottle of scotch was staring right at her. Monica's head was pounding and she looked at the clock. She almost got up to shower before remembering that she had no place to go. As she glanced about her room, Alan's picture caught her eye. She stared at it for a few moments and began to cry. "I can't do this Alan…..I need you so."
The days passed and Monica spent them all the same way. Without her work, she had nothing to fill her time and spent long hours just lying in bed. She felt worthless and depressed. She managed to keep her "stash" of alcohol hidden in her bedroom and spent most nights downing several drinks until she passed out into sleep. Edward and Tracy tried uselessly to get her help. Monica refused to admit there was anything wrong. "You were drinking at work Monica….my God, if that isn't a problem…" Edward argued with her.
"I wasn't drunk, Edward, besides, it was just a sip to calm my nerves. It was truly blown way out of proportion by everyone."
Edward made phone calls to various inpatient facilities, but they all had the same answer for him. He could not force Monica into rehab against her will. Monica was still unwilling to admit she had a problem. He even called Gail Baldwin. She was a dear friend of Monica's and had her own experience dealing with Lee's alcoholism. He hoped she could be of some help. Gail was heartsick to learn what had been happening with Monica and rushed to Port Charles to try and help.
Monica was overjoyed to see her, but the warm reunion didn't last long. "Gail, what are you doing here?" Monica greeted her at the door of the mansion.
"I thought I'd surprise you Monica."
"How's Lee?" Monica knew Lee had been quite ill, causing Gail to be unable to come to Port Charles for Alan's or Emily's funerals.
"I am happy to report he is in full remission. "
"Gail that's so wonderful." They embraced. Monica led Gail into the den and offered her a cup of tea. "So, why are you really here Gail? And why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"I wanted to surprise my dear friend, what's wrong with that? Beside, you haven't exactly been returning my calls, lately, so I thought I'd just come out and see for myself that you were ok."
"And you weren't called by say….Edward…to come out and 'straighten me out'?"
"Well, I may have been in touch with Edward." Gail knew she couldn't lie to Monica. Monica was so much smarter than that.
"Oh, so, I suppose you believe all the things he's said?" Monica felt herself getting angry.
"Why don't you just tell me what's going on Monica? How have you been, really?" She touched Monica's hand.
"Well, considering I've lost my husband, my daughter, and my career in less than a year, I'm just great!"
"What happened at the hospital, Monica?"
"Well, I'm sure you were told something so much worse, but it was a ridiculous misunderstanding there and now they've decided to suspend me. How much blood and sweat have I dedicated to that place, how much Quartermaine money built that hospital, and now, they toss me aside like I've committed murder."
"Monica, Edward told me you were drinking on the job. That hardly qualifies as a misunderstanding."
"It was one sip, Gail. My God, there was a man holding me hostage with a bomb strapped to his chest earlier that day. I was terrified he'd blow up all of us. I took a small sip to calm my nerves and some nosy nurse caught me."
"Why did you have alcohol at work to begin with Monica? You know better."
"It was a mistake. It was in my purse and I forgot it was there and I took it inside the hospital with me. It could happen to anyone. No one was hurt Gail. So what it the big deal?"
"Monica, why were you carrying liquor around in your purse? "
"What is this interrogation about Gail? I thought you came here to see me, not to put me on trial. I've already had my trial in front of the hospital board, so if this is your reason for coming here, you can just go."
Gail reached for her hand. "Monica, I'm very worried about you and I think you need to get some help to deal with all the things that have happened in the last year. You need to talk to someone."
"God Gail, did you come here as my friend or to play shrink?"
"Of course as your friend, Monica, but I know you. You don't deal with things. You keep everything bottled up until you crash and burn. Have you ever gone to a support group or counseling after Alan died?"
"In case you haven't noticed Gail, I'm not the type to sit around in a circle telling everyone how I buried 3 children and my husband and have lost everyone in this world I've ever loved."
"Well, it worked for you in LaMesa , Monica. And maybe I don't count anymore, but I love you."
"Humph. Then leave this alone Gail. I'm handling this best way I know how. So don't sit there and preach to me about something you know nothing about. Your husband is very much alive and you don't know what it's like to bury a child. I lost everything Gail. I'm back where I started my life – abandoned and alone. "
"You're right Monica, but I DO know what's it's like to live with an alcoholic. I know all about the deceptions, the lies they tell themselves and others, the denial. And you do too; you went through it with Alan and with AJ. You need help Monica and you can do one of two things - you can keep lying to yourself, or you can admit that you have a problem and start dealing with it."
"Get out!" Monica's face filled with fury. "I mean it Gail, you parade in here with all your psychobabble and think you know ME and know what I'm going through and then you spout out accusations. Get out – and don't come back!"
Gail knew she did all she could do. She got up quietly and walked toward the door. She paused before turning around and saying, "Monica, I love you. You are like a daughter to me. You're not alone with this – remember that." She left quietly.
Monica was infuriated – at Gail, at Edward, but mostly at herself. She missed Gail so very much and now she chased her away. But she was wrong, she rationalized, she didn't have a problem. She knew how to stop and she was in control of this.
Monica huffed up the stairs, trembling with anger. She felt the burning of tears welling up in her eyes. She dug in the back of her closet for the bottle she hid in there. She quickly took a long gulp and drank until she felt the tears leaving. She took a few more chugs and breathed deeply. She headed back downstairs and heard Edward on the phone in the den. She didn't wait for him to end his call. "How dare you!" she snapped. He quickly hung up his call. "How dare you call one of my dearest friends and spout off outlandish accusations to her about me."
"Monica, dear, now calm down," Edward spoke. "I called Gail to try and help you. I've been watching you. You've been spiraling out of control for weeks now. And what happened at General Hospital was proof of that. Monica, you need help to deal with this."
"Don't you dare sit there, all pompous and mighty and tell ME what I need, Edward. What I need is my husband and my children. But, they're gone now. Do you have any idea what it feels like, waking up each morning and knowing they're gone?"
"Monica, listen to me, I love you as a daughter, and I always have. And you have lost more than anyone deserves to, but you don't hold a monopoly on grieving. I lost them too. Alan was my son..Emily was my dear dear granddaughter. And every time I think of them gone, I wonder why on earth it was them. Why wasn't it a crusty old coot like me? Why am I still here? And let me tell you, there are days I feel like just giving up, drowning my sorrows in anything. But you know what gets me through….I think of Lila, of Alan, of Emily, and I know I owe it to them to go on and to honor their memory. Alan would hate seeing you give up the life, the career, the reputation you worked so hard for. "
"Oh, so that's what this is about. You're afraid I'm tarnishing the precious family name?"
"No, my dear, that's been tarnished irreparably years ago. Monica, like it or not, Alan's gone and you need to live on and be the best you can be. Not throw your life into some bottle."
Edward stormed out of the room, leaving Monica angry and upset. She paced around the den, but it seemed like everywhere she turned Alan's or Emily's photo was staring at her. "I have to get out of here," she thought to herself. It was nearly 8PM, so she grabbed her keys and sped out of the garage, tires squealing. A few minutes later she found herself sitting at the bar of the Metro Court, sipping on a very strong, very dry martini. The bartender eyed her suspiciously as she downed 3 drinks and ordered her fourth. Monica felt her nerves calm, but her head began to spin. Her thoughts turned as they always did to Alan. She let her mind wander for a moment. Her reverie was interrupted by a man's voice, "How bout I buy the next one?" Monica looked up at him; he was quite handsome and had a deep sexy voice. Before she knew it she was accepting his offer of a drink and inviting him to sit down next to her. He ordered her another drink and one for himself. They made small talk and after her next drink, Monica found his every word hysterically funny. They talked and laughed and drank for over an hour, when he leaned over and whispered in her ear. Monica shook her head "yes" and attempted to stand up. She staggered off her seat and he helped her walk to the elevator.
Monica awoke with a start and assessed her surroundings. She was shocked to find herself naked in a strange bed. Her eyes caught the glow of the clock on the table beside her. It was 3 AM. She could hear the quiet snoring of someone lying next to her. She frantically leapt out of bed and searched for her clothing. She dressed quickly in the bathroom and struggled in the dark to find her purse and her shoes. When she located both, she searched desperately for her car keys, cursing as she struggled to locate them, and turning on the light. He woke up and called to her, "Hey sweetheart, where are you going? Come back to bed".
"Where are my keys, dammit?" Monica asked.
"I have them, didn't want you to get any ideas about driving off last night. You were pretty darn drunk. Come on, no need to leave now baby," he got out of bed and reached for her arms.
"Get your hands off of me and give me my keys. I need to get out of here," she snapped at him.
He sighed and tossed her the keys. She ran out of the hotel room and pushed the elevator button repeatedly. Once downstairs, she struggled to remember where she had parked. She made it into her car and sat behind the wheel fighting back the tears that stung her already burning eyes. As she drove home, she was filled with a sense of self-loathing. The last thing she could remember last night was drinking with that man at the bar. But waking up naked in his bed. God, she didn't even know his name. The thought made her ill and she pulled to the side of the road and retched. She caught her breath again and headed for home. She was a few blocks away when she saw the flashing lights in her rear view mirror. Cursing to herself she pulled over. The officer approached her Mercedes and shone the light in her eyes, making her focus even worse.
"Evening ma'am, license and registration please."
Monica fumbled awkwardly through the glove compartment trying to find the papers the officer wanted. She turned them over to him and he told her to wait.
A few moments later, he was at the door again shining his light inside the car. "Dr. Quartermaine, you were going pretty fast back there. I clocked you at 20 over speed limit. You mind telling me where you're going in such a hurry."
Monica thought quickly, "I'm on call tonight and I have a patient emergency, so I was heading to the hospital" she lied.
"I see. Well ma'am you're heading in the wrong direction then."
She covered quickly, "Yes, I was woken up in such a hurry that I forgot my ID badge. I was heading back home to get it. That place is locked up tighter than Fort Knox, especially at night. I couldn't even get in without swiping my ID. That why I was rushing so much." She began to sweat realizing how stupid her lie sounded.
"I imagine security would let you in, wouldn't they? I'm sure you're pretty well known around that place."
You're right, I didn't even think of that."
"You been drinking at all tonight Dr?"
"No, of course not, I told you, I've been on call all night."
"Alright then, just do me a favor and slow down. You're not helping anyone if you get yourself killed out here tonight. Drive safely ma'am."
Monica breathed a huge sigh of relief as she pulled away in the direction of the hospital. The officer trailed her for 2 blocks then turned off. Monica headed back for home. Once inside her room, she fell onto her bed and sobbed. She was consumed with guilt and disgust at herself. She pulled the bottle of sleeping pills from her bedside drawer and stared at the bottle for a long time, the tears flowing freely. "God, what have I done to my life? There's nothing left," she thought. She caught a glimpse of Alan's picture. "I can't go on like this anymore, Alan. I'm so sorry. I tried…." Her hands were shaking as she opened the pill bottle. She looked in despair to find only 2 pills left in the bottle. "Damn it" she cried out and threw the bottle across the room. She pulled the pillow over her head and cried.
She awoke late in the morning, showered and headed downstairs. As usual, Tracy and Edward were embroiled in an argument. Monica's head pounded as she heard them argue. Makeup couldn't quite hide the dark circles under her eyes or the redness. Tracy strutted over to her, "Monica, you look like hell, another rough night?"
"Shut up Tracy," she spewed, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
"Alan would be so proud if he could see his wife right now, wouldn't he Daddy?"
"Tracy, this isn't helping," Edward warned.
"Oh and all of us standing around feeling sorry for her while she trashes what little is left of her life is really doing a lot of good."
Monica's head hurt even worse.
"I think we should toss her out on the street like she did to Alan when he was popping pills like they were candy."
"This is my house Tracy, and if anyone will get thrown out, it'll be you. Have you stopped for a moment to consider what I've been through?"
"Well, what you've been through and what you brought on yourself are two entirely different things. You're a drunk Monica, plain and simple. You don't care about anything but YOUR pain and YOUR grief. You're so determined to self destruct that you don't even consider who you'll take down with you. You almost cost Luke his life and God knows who else before the hospital got smart enough to get rid of you. Maybe if you hadn't insisted on "saving" Alan, he'd be alive too."
"How dare you!" Monica shouted, rushing over to Tracy and smacking her hard across the face.
"That's enough!" Edward bellowed. "Tracy, out. I want to talk to Monica alone."
Monica was red with anger. "Can you believe the nerve of her?"
"She's right Monica. You are out of control and someday there's going to be a really big price to pay. You watched this same thing happen with AJ and with Alan. What needs to happen Monica before you own up to this and get the help you need? I refuse to stand by and let you destroy what little remains of this family and that includes YOU." Edward left the room, leaving Monica's head reeling with emotions. A few moments later the phone rang. She was surprised to hear Mac Scorpio's voice on the other end, asking her to come down to the police station.
Monica became panic stricken. Suppose the officer from last night really thought she was drunk. She struggled to remember the events of the night. Did she hit something/someone? She grabbed her purse and keys and quickly inspected her Mercedes. No scratches or damage noted. Maybe it's about Emily's murder, she thought, as she drove to police headquarters. Mac gave no indication of what he wanted with her.
She entered the police station and was directed to Mac's office. He told her to sit down and what he said next shocked her beyond all expectation. "Monica…." He proceeded gently. "This is about Alan. He's alive. We found him in Argentina, being held by Helena Cassadine. "
Monica's head spun. She didn't even have a drink this morning so she couldn't be drunk. Yet what Mac was saying made no sense to her at all.
"Mac, that's …that's impossible. I mean, I saw him, I touched him. He was gone."
"I don't have any explanations yet Monica. Let me tell you what I do know. I received a call 2 days ago from a woman claiming to be employed at Helena's estate in Argentina. She told me there was a man being kept there and she was finally able to find out who he is. She told me it was Alan. She sent me a picture taken with a cell phone. I had to admit, it could have been Alan."
He passed the photo to Monica, who gasped at the resemblance. "I contacted Robert and had him get a WSB unit to go investigate. Sure enough, it's Alan. Helena got away, but they have Alan. He's coming home, Monica."
Monica still looked at Mac in shock, the words registering slowly. "Where is he now, Mac?" she asked excitedly.
"He's on a plane heading right here. Actually, if my estimates are correct, he'll be landing in about 2 hours. I wanted so much to tell you about this a few days ago when it came to light. But I didn't want to risk it being a case of mistaken identity. It would have been too cruel to get your hopes up if we were wrong on this."
"Oh my God Mac….is he…is ok. Is he hurt?"
"I had limited contact with Robert. But from what we did speak about, Alan seems to be ok. "
"I need to go…where is the plane landing Mac?"
"Robert will be bringing Alan in here for some questioning, so I think you should just wait here. Robert will make sure he gets here safely. "
Monica waited, calling Edward and Tracy from her cell phone to meet her at the police station. Tracy immediately thought she had been arrested and entered Mac's office chuckling and grinning widely. Edward arrived a moment later. "What kind of mess have you gotten yourself into Monica? Whatever it is, I'm NOT posting bail!"
Monica was smiling from ear to ear."You better sit down for this, especially you Edward."
She told them what Mac had told her.
"You are drunk Monica. Not only drunk, but I'm sure you taking some other illegal substance. What else would be causing you to hallucinate like this?" Tracy said, looking annoyed.
Mac came in and confirmed Monica's statements. "He should be here in less than an hour."
After getting over her shock, Tracy snickered at Monica. "Well, well, Alan's coming home..And look what shape he'll find his lovely wife in. This oughta be good."
"Both of you, I swear, don't ruin this right now with your senseless accusations. Please, I beg of you."
Tracy opened her mouth to speak, but Edward quickly cut her off. "Neither of us will say anything Monica. But you know, Alan's not stupid. He'll figure you out pretty quickly. So, I wouldn't wait too long to tell him what's been going on."
The Quartermaines waited for what seemed like an eternity until Mac's office door opened and Robert and Alan walked in. Monica raced into his arms, weeping and gripping him tightly. Alan pulled her in close, tears streaming down his face as he held on to her. He kissed her intensely and cupped her face in his hands. "My darling, I've missed you so much."
"Oh God, Alan…..I can't believe this. You were gone…. I thought I'd lost you forever. Are you alright….are you hurt?"
"No, no …I'm ok, I'm ok….perfect right now, actually." Alan kissed his wife again and then looked her in the eyes. "I know about Emily," his voice falls and he looks seriously at Monica.
She sighs deeply and allows the tears to fall. "We lost her Alan. Oh God, she's gone, "Monica whispers. "How did you know?"
"Helena, she took great joy in showing me everything about it in the newspaper. I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone, Monica."
They embrace again, neither one wanting to let go.
"Alright, are you going to let the rest of us see him too," Tracy interrupted.
Alan reluctantly let Monica go and turned to hug his father and sister. Edward held on extra tightly and fought back his own tears as he told Alan how much he'd missed him.
A few moments later, Mac entered and asked wanted to question Alan. Monica protested. "Please Mac, he just got home. Can it wait until tomorrow? Please?"
"Ok," Mac nodded, Robert joining him. Monica hugged them both and whispered a heart-felt thank you to Robert. "Thank you for bringing him back to me."
The Quartermaines returned to the mansion where Cook had begun preparing a special celebratory dinner. They ate and talked and tried to catch Alan up on the time he'd missed. He was vague about his captivity, not fully understanding how he got there, but admitting that he was not injured. He watched Monica intently as they talked and ate, thinking how beautiful she looked, yet feeling some concern that she appeared thinner and very tired. For as closely as he watched her, he missed the cool looks between Monica and Tracy as they all consumed several glasses of Edward's finest champagne. Tracy seemed to count every sip Monica took and Monica's sharp glances kept her from spouting off what had really been going on the past few months.
After eating, Alan announced that he was exhausted and wanted to go to bed. Of course, it was an excuse to get alone time with Monica. As they entered their bedroom arm in arm, Alan shut the door and pulled Monica into his arms. "Finally," he said as he kissed her passionately.
"Wait a minute, I thought you were tired," Monica teased.
"Not on your life, lady. We have so much time to make up for." Alan led her to the bed and soon they were making love. They made love slowly, spending so much time just looking in each others' eyes and professing their love over and over. Afterward, they held each other, Alan softly stroking Monica's hair and her back. He wasn't the least bit tired, so he began to ask questions. "So, fill me in on General Hospital. What's changed since I've been gone?"
Monica froze. She knew she should tell him about her suspension. It would only be a matter of time before he found out on his own. She didn't want there to be lies and secrets. "Alan, I need to tell you…" her voice dropped. She didn't want to spoil this perfect reunion by bringing everything up now. "You know, I really don't want to talk anymore tonight." She leaned in and kissed him. Alan returned the kiss and they were soon making love again.
They slept for the remainder of the night in each others' arms. When they arose, Monica headed to the shower. When she came out of the bathroom, she found Alan sitting at her dressing table, gazing upon Emily's picture. He heard her footsteps. "I can't believe she's gone Monica. I can't believe she'll never walk in this house again; we'll never hear her voice or see her beautiful smile again, "he choked up.
Monica came behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed it. "My God, what you had to go through Monica…you were so strong. I don't think I would have been able to do it if I'd lost you and Emily too."
Monica shut her eyes tightly, knowing full well that she was anything but strong.
Alan stood up quickly, "I have to be at the police station this morning. I thought when Mac is done questioning me, I can meet you at GH and then you can check me out, maybe run some tests. I was dead you know. I don't want to take any more chances with my health. Besides, there are so many people there I want to see."
Monica looked at Alan, and then looked away. This was it..She had to fess up. "Alan, we need to talk. There something I need to tell you. "
Alan froze for a moment. What was Monica going to say? "Oh my God," Alan thought to himself. "Maybe she's involved with someone else. A year is a long time to be alone," He braced himself for what she was going to tell him.
Monica paced in the bedroom, not knowing how to begin what she needed to say. She looked at the man she's always loved, the man she grieved so desperately for. "I can't..", her voice trailed.
Alan cupped her face in his hands. "Monica, I love you so much. Nothing you say to me right now could ever make me love you less."
Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away to avoid his eyes. "Alan, I've been suspended from the hospital."
This was not at all what he expected her to say."What? Suspended? That can't be. I'm sure someone has made a mistake. Monica, you're the head of cardiology and I'm assuming, chief of staff now too."
"No, Alan, I'm not chief of staff, and I'm actually possibly going to lose my medical license."
"This isn't another of those ridiculous malpractice suits is it Monica? We'll get you the best lawyer in the country Monica and they'll clear this all up."
"Alan, please….hear me out. I've had a pretty big problem since you were gone, a problem with drinking. Alan, I'm an alcoholic." She began to sob.
Alan looked at her in amazement and took her hands in his. "Go on, you can tell me."
"It started right after I thought you were gone. I couldn't sleep, Alan. I was haunted by all these memories. I missed you so much and all I could do was think about the past. I got sleeping pills, but they really didn't work for me, so I began having a drink or two to relax me enough to sleep. After a while I needed more than two and sometime I would start drinking earlier in the evening. But I was certain it wasn't a problem. "
Alan continued to watch her closely as she spoke, his eyes full of pain and empathy.
"Then Emily died," Monica began to cry. "I couldn't do it Alan. I couldn't handle it alone. I really tried to be strong. I really did. But I felt so alone, abandoned, like I did when I was a little girl. The drinking helped dull the pain. I didn't feel it quite so much. So, I started drinking more and more. I lost control Alan…it took over everything. "Monica sobbed loudly and clung to Alan as he held her. "I was so lost without you and without Emily. I wanted to die….I wanted to die. I just needed to get rid of the pain."
"It's ok Monica."
"No! No, it isn't Alan! I drank at work. I went into the operating room after drinking. I imagined I saw Emily there and I froze. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea. Some young doctor that I had trained had to take over. I almost killed him Alan. I almost killed Luke on the OR table."
"But I still didn't stop. Finally Epiphany saw me drinking in my office. I've been suspended and I very well could lose my license. I messed up Alan. I'm so sorry." She continued to sob heavily, allowing Alan to hold her tightly.
Alan was completely shocked, yet his heart broke for her. He knew how much pain she must have been in these last months and how hard it is for her to admit she's hurting. He held her for a long time, saying nothing, but allowing her to cry her heart out.
Finally when she'd cried out all her tears, Alan wiped her eyes with his hand and looked at her with love in his eyes. "Listen to me Monica, I've been down this very road. I know what addiction can do, but you've taken a very important first step. "
"I'm so ashamed. I did things I never thought I could do. I put my patients at risk every day. I could have killed someone. How can you even look at me?"
"It wasn't you Monica, it was the alcohol. It turned you into someone else. You said that about me when I was taking pills. You said it made me someone you didn't even know. But you never turned your back on me… and I'll never turn mine on you. I waited so long to get back here to you."
"You didn't deserve to come back home to this. I should have been able to be stronger."
"We all have our limits darling. You're human remember. We're going to get you the help you need. I'm so glad you told me everything."
Monica walked away from him and looked at the floor.
"That is everything, isn't it?"
"There's more Alan, "Monica's voice shook. "I did some pretty awful things. There are times when I drank so much that I don't remember what happened. I know I drove drunk more than once and.." she gulped "I slept with another man. I don't remember what happened. I woke up and…" she began to cry again. "God, I didn't even know who he was. I'm so sorry, Alan. I'm so sorry."
Alan felt as if he'd been slapped, but he remembered his days of addiction and some of the situations Monica caught him in. He walked over to her and took her hands. "It's going to be ok, I promise you. I still love you. I will always love you. Do you want to stop drinking?"
"Oh God yes!! I want my life back. I want my life with you. Please help me Alan."
"You need to help yourself Monica. You need rehab, AA meetings, counseling. But I promise to be at your side every step. I love you Monica."
She fell into his arms and felt a huge weight lifted off of her. He held her for a long time before letting go and saying "Let's take that next step." He headed to her nightstand and opened a drawer. "So where are you hiding it? The booze?"
"How do you know I'm hiding it?"
"Monica, you can't kid another addict. I know all the tricks, all the hiding places. Except pills were probably a bit easier to hide. "
Monica uncovered several opened bottles from her closet and together they dumped them down the bathroom drain. Alan went in to take a shower. When he came out Monica was hanging up her cell phone.
"There's a facility in Albany that can take me tonight." Monica announced.
Alan smiled and pulled her into his arms. "I'm so proud of you."
"I hate to leave you. I just got you back."
"It needs to be this way Monica, just for a while. And when you come back, you'll be clean and sober."
Epilogue
Monica spent three weeks at an inpatient rehab facility. She returned and began attending AA meetings. The medical board reinstated her license after she submitted proof of completion of rehab. The hospital board, at Alan's insistence, reinstated Monica on probation without surgical privileges. They also unanimously voted to oust Dr. Ford and rename Alan chief of staff. Alan meanwhile had his own demons to conquer after spending a year in Helena's captivity. He struggled with occasional nightmares and moments of anger at losing a year of his life and realizing the damage Helena did to Monica and his whole family. Helena remained at large, with the entire WSB after her.
After being home, the full impact of Emily's death hit Alan hard as well. Upon Monica's return from rehab, they decided to enter grief counseling together and Monica also entered private counseling to deal with her issues of abandonment and control. She spent many sessions dredging up her childhood and uncovering painful memories which she had long since repressed.
Alan was a pillar of strength for her and supported her throughout everything. She loved him more than anything and thanked God every day that he had been brought back to her. Alan felt exactly the same. As they held each other every night, they knew that their love truly could withstand anything.