Written for the asoiafkinkmeme prompt:
"I feel like I hate you."
"Which is unfortunate for me because I'm very fond of you."
Mending Endeavors
Rhaegar lead his party through King's Landing and did not stop until he reached the Red Keep. If there was one thing he knew it was that he had been gone for far longer than he expected.
As he expected, and hoped, Elia had been waiting for him. It was far too long since he had seen her. It was not until now he realized how much he missed her. He missed his children just as much. He frowned slightly; they were not there.
He slid down his horse and walked up the steps and stopped in front of her.
"Husband, welcome home. Congratulations on your victory." His smile faltered slightly. He had hoped for a warmer welcome after being gone for so long, but, it seemed to be a futile hope. He had hoped she had not come to believe what others did and think he only fought this war because he loved Lyanna. He would not deny he did, but, it was not just for her alone. He fought for all of them; for the future. He fought for the future they would share together.
He shook his head and took her hand, "Not mine, ours." She nodded and smiled, but, not widely and it faded far too quickly. He wondered if his wife no longer shared his vision, but, he could not bring himself to ask her; not when he saw she was no longer looking at him. She looked past members of his Kingsguard who had bowed to her, and was focused at Lyanna and the child in her hands. Though her expression did not sour, nor did she say anything, Rhaegar did see how her spine straightened.
"Elia, I…" He hoped to reassure her, but, she shook her head.
"Perhaps this is not the time, husband." As if to emphasize the point she turned to the rest and in a louder, but, no less polite voice, "Welcome. Please, come inside, I am sure you are all tired from your journey and are in great need of rest. Food will be available in the Great Hall shortly."
As they turned to walk into the Keep he extended his arm to her and she took it willingly. Still, her arm is very stiff in his.
While most of his party is ushered away easily enough, the awkwardness increases when the Castellan questions him about where Lyanna's rooms are to be. When he is told to arrange rooms amongst the ones for the Royal apartments, the Castellan who, with looks between Elia and Lyanna, stutters out a nervous, "Of course, my Prince, it will be prepared shortly."
After the other man leaves the silence is nearly oppressive, and so Rhaegar asks a question which has been on his mind.
"Where are the children?" He had hoped to see them when he had arrived.
"They are in the nursery. Shall we go there now?" She asks the question to both him and Lyanna and they nod their agreement.
As they walk Elia turns once more to Lyanna to ask, "My lady, will the child be comfortable in the nursery or would you prefer for the child to stay with you in your chambers?"
Lyanna, apparently not expecting the question, much less to be directed towards her looks to him, before replying uncharacteristically apprehensively, "I think it would be best of Jon becomes accustomed to the nursery and please call me Lyanna."
Elia only nods. Rhaegar wishes he could be relieved, but, as they continue on, he finds he cannot be.
As he tries to mitigate the uneasiness which remains between them, he asks, "Are the children well?" The closer he gets to them, the more eager he is to see them.
She looks at him. Searching for what, he does not know. "Yes, they are. They have grown so much." He hears the 'while you were gone' she left unsaid. He looks away.
When they do arrive at the nursery, Aegon is asleep however Rhaenys was happy to see him. Rhaegar tries not to seem despondent when that happiness quickly becomes confusion when she is introduced to Lyanna and her newest brother and his daughter pastes herself to Elia's side.
Once he gave instructions for a new cot to be moved into the nursery for Jon, Rhaegar hopes that Lyanna did not notice that while the nurse was polite enough curtsey, there was thinly veiled disapproval in her eyes.
The next day when he arrives at the nursery to see a different nurse it is obvious Elia certainly noticed it. Rhaegar thinks fondly of his wife in that moment.
Even then when he asks her she, barely looking up from the shirt she is mending for him, says only, "The children are to be raised together. They should not be uncomfortable with one another because of others."
While Rhaegar is reminded again how sharp witted and kind his wife is, he tries not to see things where nothing should exist.
A few days later, after he convened a great council to see his father deposed, Rhaegar met with his new council. It appears that there are others who would require answers from him. To be fair, it was understandable that the members of this new council would be rather concerned. The rather motley group consisted of men who served on either side of the war and the tension in the room was palpable. However, it seemed they were all deeply interested in the two women who arrived with him.
Rhaegar was sure there would have been curiosity at the situation when Elia and Lyanna walked in behind him, but, he was dismayed at the expressions on the faces of the men present. Rhaegar could not pretend to ignore the looks of disgust the Targaryen loyalists or the unease of those who fought against them directed towards Lyanna. Nor could he mistake the expressions of pity and discomfort leveled at Elia from both factions.
Still, he was resolved to settle all doubts. There was no shortage of issues to be considered and discussed. The first of them are his coronation and his wedding.
"The Coronation will happen the day after the wedding." Rhaegar does not bother trying to ignore the stares of the rest of his council level at Elia who remains determinedly impassive and Lyanna who becomes increasingly more uncomfortable with the level of scrutiny.
"The wedding, Your Grace?" The question was asked by his Hand, Lord Tywin Lannister of Casterly Rock. The man's tone is measured; however, Rhaegar knows disapproval when he hears it. He is more than used to hearing that tone from the man, but, Lord Lannister was instrumental in Rhaegar's bid for deposing his father and chooses not to comment upon it.
Still, it is the brothers of the two women which concern him most. Doran was seemingly made of stone, but, Rhaegar was not fooled; not when there was barely contained violence in everything about Oberyn. Ned Stark seemed stiff, grim, and decidedly uncomfortable.
"Yes, I wish to marry Lady Lyanna before the coronation so that both of my wives can be crowned with me."
He wonders as the expressions of members of his council smooth into something akin to relief. His mind draws him to a conclusion he was not entirely prepared for and dismayed at. They thought he would repudiate Elia in favor of Lyanna. He could not help but question if that is what Elia thought would happen, as well. Because of her demeanor he cannot decipher her thoughts or feelings where before he could have easily.
He despairs at the thought. He would have never repudiated her. Though he could not say he loved her in the same way he loved Lyanna, he loved her in a different way; he was so very fond of her. She was his wife. She gave him two children who he loved. No matter what was said about Elia, and very few had something unkind to say, even his father at his most crazed had known her to be a worthy future queen.
His next pronouncement stating he is to marry Lyanna in the Godswood is met with grumbling and not-so discreet, disdainful looks sent Lyanna's way. Though Pycelle mentions something about the citizens of King's Landing being denied a public ceremony "because the enclosed nature of the place", to which many nod in agreement to, Rhaegar is not fooled. He is fully aware that are unhappy because of what they believe caused him to make this choice. He also knows that most at the table worship the Seven. Still, he was married in the Sept once before and it is Lyanna's wedding ceremony as well; and though it matters not to him the location, she should be pleased the day of her wedding.
The discussion only stops when Elia interjects, drawing all attention towards her, "My lords, the Sept needs to be prepared for the Coronation, and it would not do to overwhelm it with two ceremonies so close together. The people of King's Landing will not thank us from denying them the right to worship because we hope to hold the Sept hostage to ceremony."
The reasoning is sound, even if no one believes the words. Still, most of the men at the table nod approvingly at Elia's words. It seems her apparent acceptance settles the matter for most of them.
That night, he overhears Elia asking Lyanna if she needed help with preparations for the wedding and what she would like included at the feast. Rhaegar cannot be helped but be reminded again of how fond he is of her.
His second wedding was far simpler than his first. Though the High Septon disapproved of having the wedding in the Godswood, he presided over the ceremony all the same. The man was mollified by this break in protocol by a healthy donation to the Sept. As for guests: members of his family; Lord Stark; the Martells; Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, Gerold Hightower' and some members of the Small Council, were present.
It was just as well. Not only had Lyanna favored less pomp and ceremony, he was in no mood to celebrate after learning of the death of his mother. He wished he could have had her here; that she could have known what her life could be like without the specter of her husband over her. She never had the possibility to meet Lyanna or see her newest grandson. While he was under no delusion she would have been pleased at the events which lead to this, he was sure his mother would have come to like Lyanna, if given the time.
Of course, he also had to contend with his siblings. Daenerys was a well-behaved infant. Yet, not expecting ever to have one, he did not quite know what to do with a sister, much less one so much younger than him; even if she was their mother in miniature. In the end, she too was put into the nursery. Viserys, finding their father deposed and the make up of their family greatly altered, proved to be sullen much of the time, though he accepted occasional mothering from Elia.
Though the ceremony was to be brief, he could feel the tension in the courtyard as he waited for Lyanna and Lord Stark to join them. He could feel the weight of multiple eyes upon his person. It was a weight he expected, but, this time those eyes were not looking at him alone.
Elia stood, not with him, but, near enough, and so people looked, as they have been. Rhaegar hated the looks which, on this day, were again unmistakably filled with pity and unease. He hated them more because of his role in contributing to them. Though he did not know of it until two nights before, Elia helped Lyanna with the cloak he now held in his hands. He could not help but find pride in the way she withstood it all. She was acting very much like a queen ought to; like a queen she will be.
Though Elia was looking in his direction, she was not trying to catch his eye. He could feel someone else was; his best friend, Jon. While his friend was not overly warm to Elia, Jon understood that match. This marriage, with Lyanna, confounded Jon in many ways. Rhaegar could imagine his friend would be disturbed; minutes before he was to marry Lyanna, he was staring at Elia. He knew the others present might see the way he looks at her now and ask more questions, but, he could not find it in himself to stop.
When Lyanna came on the arm of her brother and came to stand next to him, Rhaegar was almost as relieved as he was happy.
The wedding itself was simple. First there were a few words of greeting by the Septon, who, none-too discreetly, tried avoiding looking at heart-tree as much as possible. To Rhaegar it seemed the Septon was trying to make it as close to a wedding under the Faith of the Seven the man could make it, without naming the Seven in his blessings. After that, he led them to saying their vows and Lyanna's cloak was changed and the ceremony ended.
The feast after the wedding was grand as befitting a royal wedding, even if the wedding ceremony was unusual. However, not even the finest food, flagons of flowing wine, or a variety of magnificent entertainments, stopped it from being an uncomfortable evening. It was true that any wedded couple would be the focus of the guests, yet, no one present could say they have ever attended a wedding feast of a man who married a second time while his first wife was still living.
All night people stared and whispered; not only because there was to be no bedding. Though they did not inform anyone about it, the Maester, after finding out Lyanna had a difficult time of the birth, expressly recommended Lyanna not engage in anything "too strenuous" for the time being. Much to Lyanna's frustration, that warning included dancing for very long; even at her own wedding.
Still, even if he wanted to dance and he had Elia to dance with, to dance with her more than Lyanna at his and Lyanna's wedding would have caused more unnecessary gossip. That did not stop the whispers and stares which started the moment he and Lyanna entered the Great Hall together. They continued when he and Lyanna danced for the first time, they continued when he and Elia shared a dance, and they continued all throughout the night.
He was relieved when the feast was finished and he could deduce Lyanna and Elia were as well. Though he spent the night in Lyanna's apartments they had not engaged in any marital activity. The Maester's admonition also included refraining from taking his "husband's rights" with Lyanna. While he watched Lyanna sleep, Rhaegar could not help but think Pycelle was fairly consistent in his advice; for months after the births of either of his two eldest children, he gave the same admonishment. Remembering how calmly Elia took his announcement that he would share Lyanna's rooms tonight; though he was grateful she was so agreeable, Rhaegar found that he could not sleep.
The coronation fared better. At least the crowd present was more animated as the procession rode through the city seeing it as something to be celebrated.
The almost blindingly white-clad Kingsguard led the procession from the Red Keep to the Great Sept of Baelor. Rhaegar, riding a white destrier, followed them. He was dressed in Targaryen red and black. After him, rode Elia and Lyanna, riding side by side. Though the both of them were dark of hair and they were similarly dressed in Targaryen colors, very little else was similar about them. Elia rode a black Dornish sand steed, while Lyanna rode a brown palfrey which was bred in the North. Elia had her hair styled atop her head in the Southron fashion and Lyanna wore hers down in the Northern fashion.
After them came his brother and daughter. Because of their ages, while they were allowed to participate in the procession, but, they were they riding in a small carriage. Behind the carriage were members of the Small Council.
The High Septon, Rhaegar knew, was far more enthused in this morning's ceremony than he was at the wedding. The High Septon quite jubilantly led prayers and the singing of hymns. He also was quite buoyant when producing the three crowns meant for the three of them. When the golden crown was set atop his head, Rhaegar could not help but smile as he felt the solid weight atop his head. It felt true.
The Septon then moved to place the one of the smaller crowns on Elia's head and then did the same with Lyanna.
That done the three of them moved towards the outside so that the crowd could see them. Rhaegar felt elation and now he could finally, truly call himself king. For him it was even better because he had his queens and the mothers of his children, by his side.
It seemed as though this feast was destined to be much more enjoyable and it was far grander than the one at his second wedding. At any rate, for Rhaegar, it seemed so.
He danced with Elia first. Not only was it proper, as she was his first wife and the mother of his heir, it would do well to stifle any unnecessary rumors and whispers amongst the guests. Most importantly, he found he wanted to dance with her. Though there had not been an opportunity to dance with her much and though he did not care to dance very much, but, he found as he held her, he missed her.
Though she had not said anything, there was a soft look on her face. In that moment, he gave in to impulse, "May I join you in your rooms tonight?"
She almost looked startled. Had they been anywhere else he was sure she would have frowned. He thinks he should have expected such a reaction; he had not asked to join her since he had returned. It is something else he needs to rectify. She glances behind him briefly before turning back to him; to see what, he does not get the chance to ask, because she nods. "Yes."
He found himself pleased about it. All too quickly the song ended and from behind him Doran interrupted them. "I would have this dance with my sister."
Rhaegar let her go, but, still watches her. He takes her acceptance of him as a sign of fate being in his favor. In a lighter mood than he has been he goes to coax Lyanna in to a dance. He knows he should not allow Lyanna to overexert herself, but, he cannot help but smile as she accepts his hand. Far too quickly, the song changed again. Lyanna wished to dance once with her brother and Rhaegar let her go, as well; as it was, Ned Stark was leaving the capitol soon. Rhaegar sought out Elia, but, noticed she was now dancing with Oberyn. The feast, and his jubilant mood, continues well into the night.
After the feast, Rhaegar sits with Lyanna for a while in her chambers. When he gets up to leave she looks at him confusedly.
She asks, "My love, where are you going?"
"Elia is expecting me."
Her brow furrows when she queries, "Will you be gone long?"
Rhaegar frowns, "I thought I would allow you to rest. I will be spending tonight in Elia's chambers."
She turns away slightly and flushes. "I see." Though he sees she is unhappy about this and understands Lyanna's feelings, Elia deserves his attentions as well.
He sits next to her, "Please, do not be vexed."
Lyanna huffs out, "I am not vexed." Ordinarily, he loves her fire, but, Elia had been more receptive to Lyanna and Jon than he could have hoped. Even if he was not as fond of Elia as he was, he owed her this much.
"Please do not be upset. This, us, has not been easy for her." He knows he is pleading, but, he needs Lyanna to understand that he cannot be unfair with Elia.
Slightly turned away from him, she replies, "It has not been easy for me." He knows it. Falling in love with him was one thing, having to adjust to life as a wife, a mother, and a queen at her age and so quickly was quite another. Though she does spend time with Elia learning about the management of the Red Keep, and spending time with Jon in the nursery, Lyanna did not like to be so confined. He knew also that the closer scrutiny their relationship caused made her deeply uncomfortable.
He fights the urge to sigh. His voice is soft as he says, "I know."
After a moment, she does sigh. "We are so rarely alone now. It is just that I miss being with you and I miss being with you that way."
He smiles a bit. "I miss you that way as well, but, for now, we ought to do as Maester Pycelle says. I should not want to risk your health because of our impatience."
Lyanna laughs, "Patience is not something I can claim to have much of."
He cannot help but smile at that. She gestures to the door with her chin. "Go on. You were correct. Elia has been kind to me."
"Are you sure?" He could not go to Elia tonight if Lyanna does not wish it. Both of them deserved better from him. Even if he refrained from joining her, Elia would understand; she always had.
His conscience is lighter when Lyanna nods her consent.
He spent some more time with Lyanna until she showed signs of tiredness. When he left Lyanna's chambers he entered the dark hallway. Looking out the nearest window he found it was very dark. When he knocks on Elia's door there was no answer. He frowned; he wonders if she sent her ladies away early for him. The outer chamber was empty and the fire in the grate was banked. He opened the door to her bedroom to see Elia was in the center of her bed, asleep.
He ran a hand over his face in dismay. Elia did not wait for him. He shook his head; he had been late. He took a breath and started to undress. When he laid down next to her he watched as she, in her sleep, turned her back to him. The very sight of that pained him. He did not leave. The least he could do is wake with her.
She was gone was by the time he woke. It was late in the day when Lyanna tells him she just left Elia's Solar where she was meeting with the Castellan. When he arrives there, he excuses the other man and her ladies.
Though she welcomes him warmly enough, Elia turns her concentration back to the ledgers in front of her almost immediately.
Unsure of how to breach the topic with her not looking at him, he simply starts, "I came to you last night."
"I am aware. I saw you this morning."
"You were asleep."
"I became tired, so, I went to sleep." She says it mildly, but, her words distress him, as does the way she refuses to look at him.
"I would have been there sooner, but, I was with Lyanna." He offers an explanation, but, he does not know how it will be received.
"I do not doubt that." She still does not look at him.
He wants her to look at him. "Will you not ask why?"
She finally obliges him and looks up. "I am sure you had your reasons." She looks back down.
Her words and actions fill him with unease. "What does that mean?"
"You always have your reasons for what you do." The answer alarms him as does her bluntness.
"Do you want to know my reasons?"
Elia shrugs, "Not particularly; I am sure they were worthy reasons. They usually are and Lyanna is."
Her nonchalance no longer simply confuses him; it angers him. "And if I was to tell you that even if she understood, I wanted to reassure her because I told her that I was to join you."
She sighs, but, looks at him. "If she felt that way you should have stayed with her." He is shaken by the dispassionate way she looks him in the eyes when she says this. He sits down in shock; trying to understand.
"Why? What about us, you? It has been…" He trails off as she goes to look out of the nearest window. Ever since he entered the room it was as if what he says no longer concerns her and it chills him.
There is no humor in her expression when she turns back to him. "Yes, it has been a while, but, I have long since grown accustomed to going without."
He is taken aback by what she says. He tries again, "Precisely. It has been far too long since we have been together."
She snorts, "What is this about, Rhaegar?" She makes a frustrated sound as she takes to her seat again. "If this is about falling asleep before you could sate your needs, I apologize, but, I was tired and could only wait for so long." Something cold settles in his stomach as he considers that it is not just last night she is talking about.
"I did not mean for me. Yes, I would have liked to be with you, but, I was referring to your needs."
She laughs slightly, "My needs? Have I said something or have you heard something from someone else? Certainly there are other items of far greater importance than 'my needs'?"
"Your needs are important to me." She scoffs.
"I am not hostage to them and I know better than most how you have other concerns."
"I know that, but, can I just not want to be with you?"
"Are we not together now?"
"You know that is not what I mean."
"I do." She takes a breath and looks at him. "Tell me, if Lyanna had been healthy enough to sate your needs or if others did not question the state of our marriage, would you have been as concerned about my needs as you seem to be now?"
He jumps up from his seat. "What sort of question is that Elia?"
"A perfectly logical one, I should think." She does not react to his outburst.
"This is no jape, Elia!"
"Do you see me laughing, Rhaegar?" Her voice is low.
"You are my wife and I wished to be with you." He could hear the frustration in his voice.
"And I am not denying that or your rights as a husband." Her voice is so calm.
"You act as though this is simply a matter of my convenience."
"Is it not?" She looks at him with her had tilted slightly; as if she really was curious as to the veracity of what is said.
"No, and it will not be. Yes, Lyanna cannot be with me as you can but I had hoped to be with you."
"Nothing prevented you from it and nothing will."
"It does not seem as though you wish it." As soon as he says the words he regrets them, but, he cannot take them back.
She narrows her eyes and her words are harsh. "How dare you? Do not make this about me when the only one to take issue with anything is you. I have never denied you in bed or outside of it. It is so easy to make this about my needs, but, what of Lyanna's!"
"What about her? I told you she understood."
Elia shakes her head. "If you felt the need to comfort her or to reassure her until she 'understood' then she clearly did not wish for you to come to me. What makes you think I would be happy to be with you knowing she is unhappy about it?"
"Then what would you have me do? I cannot be with the both of you at the same time, but, I cannot deny you just to keep her happy, and I could not deny her to do the same to you." He hopes she understands that he cannot be unfair with either of them.
She raises her chin. "If it makes her happy to have you alone, if that is what is needed, then it is what should be done." She takes a breath and he almost interjected, but, she continued on, "Soon, much of the scrutiny upon us will fade. Then you needn't concern yourself with my needs which will allow you to concentrate solely on her and I could discreetly take a paramour to satisfy any possible 'needs' that I may have." Her tone is level, as if she was just offering some sort of logical compromise; as if she will offer just about anything to be done with this.
He was shocked and alarmed at this "compromise" that he braces himself on her desk to force her to look at him she looks up to him. This was not the Elia he married.
"What is this Elia? How can you say this?"
If he had not been looking at her so intently he would have missed the frustration and dismay on her face. "What else would you have me say, Rhaegar? What else would you have me do?"
"You say this as if you do not care if you have me even though she understood."
She laughs and the sound of it is ugly to his ears. "Understanding will not make anything easier. Often it makes it worse. And as I have said, I have long since gone without you." She turns away but he sees the anguish in her face.
He was so very confused and disturbed. "Elia, please, speak plainly with me. I do not know what you mean."
"She is so young and her clear with emotions." Elia shakes her head; as if the only thing she laments is Lyanna's feelings could be hurt.
"What does that matter?"
Elia looks away and he wants her to look at him. The silence builds until she speaks again, her voice so low that he moves towards her, "It matters, Rhaegar, even if you do not think it does."
He tries desperately to understand, but, he cannot. "Why do you care so much about her feelings? Why would you tell me to go back to her?"
She looks almost disappointed with him. "She deserves better than for her husband to leave her when he knows she does not want it. Tell me, Rhaegar, if you did not love her, would you have eloped with her? Would you have left her if I asked?"
Again, the answer to the both of the questions is 'No'. But, there is nothing to be done about it, even if his answer was 'Yes'.
She exhales a breath. "I do not want that for her or anyone; to know…to feel-"
"To know what? To feel what?"
She ducks her head, but, when she looks up she looks tired. "To feel as I do, as I have often."
He is worried about the possible answer, but, he has to know, and so, asks regardless, "How do you feel?"
She whispers, "I feel like I hate you."
The words have the impact of a blow. Hate him? His voice is low as he asks, "How can you say that?"
She is on the verge of tears. "By the gods, Rhaegar, how could I not?"
Anger and distress courses through him as he barks, "What could I possibly say to that? Should I say it is that which is unfortunate for me because I'm very fond of you? Is that what you want to hear from me?"
"I do not want anything from you." Elia shakes her head.
"Then, what do you want? If this is what you did not want, then why say nothing until now? Why hide your feelings like this?"
"Do you remember when you first told me of the prophecy?"
Her reasons for the chance in subject are unclear to him and he is far too frustrated to try to understand why she asks what she does. "Why are we speaking about that now?"
She clutches her hands to her sides. "Just answer the question, Rhaegar."
"Yes, I remember." He knows his voice is sharp, but, he is beyond caring. Her words are equally biting.
"Would you have stopped trying to fulfill it, if I asked you to? If I objected would you have not sought out someone to have your third child?"
He feels as though he is drowning in confusion. "But, you did not."
She laughs again, but, it is a choked, harsh sound. "If I did, can you say you would not have?"
He closes his eyes, because he knows his answer would have been 'No'. It was necessary. He thought she understood the need. Her earlier words come back to him and he feels ill.
Rhaegar, if he is angry at her, he is angry at himself. In the days since he returned he had often wondered what Elia had been feeling and now it seemed he has gotten his wish.
"You would have wanted Lyanna and your third child and took them no matter what I did. Tell me, if I refused what would you have done?"
He looks away for a moment. If he had been anyone else he thinks perhaps he might not have done as he had, but, he cannot lie to himself.
When he returns his gaze to her, her face is the most melancholy he had ever seen. "When you returned with her, with them, I had thought perhaps I would leave."
Bile rises in his throat. "You would have left?" He is sick at the thought.
She shrugs, but, there is nothing nonchalant about the action, "Perhaps, but, then I realized I could not; not without making things worse."
He feels a rushing in his ears. "You stay because it is easy."
She laughs but it is a harsh sound. "It is not easy, but, it would be no easier if I leave."
"For whom?" He is beyond confused and tired.
"For me, our children, Lyanna, and even for you, perhaps."
"Gods, Elia, tell me what you mean." He is so tired, but, if she wants to tell him, he would listen.
She sighs but it is a shaky sound from her lips. "When I married you I knew my children would belong to the crown. If I left, I could not take them me, even if I wished to." He is horrified by the thought and her words. "Even if it might have been right to leave I would be without my children. Someone else would raise them, care for them, and love them. If I left, perhaps they would grow to hate me; I know I would. Or can you imagine how Lyanna would feel? Yes, she would no longer have to share you with me, but, she is no dullard. She sees how others look at her. She would blame herself and others would happily put the blame upon her shoulders, even for something I do. I have my pride, but, not so much that I would see any of that happen." Tears are falling from her face and he cannot bear to look at her though she speaks again.
"Even if I left and that never happens, where could I possibly go where I would not be reminded that I am the wife of Rhaegar Targaryen; the one he left to get a second? I would always be the one who was not enough for you."
Hearing this sickens him. He wonders how he could have possibly missed how Elia could have felt. "Do not say that! There is nothing lacking in you."
"Isn't there? Even before, I was always seen as sickly and not worthy enough. If I left, the whole of Westeros would celebrate the knowledge that I am not only infirm of body, but, also that I am infirm of will. What would I be telling my daughter, what sort of woman would I be if I abandon my duties as a wife, a mother, and a queen because my feelings are hurt? I would only be proving them right; that I was not strong enough, not worthy enough."
She is almost shaking, but he does not go near her. Instead he says, "You do not have to prove anything to anyone. They do not matter. Do not think for one moment that I find you lacking. I never have. I never will."
Elia closes her eyes. "And yet, you are just fond of me as you have always been."
He shakes his head, and goes to wrap his arms around her. She still shakes. "Do not think for one moment that I do not love you. It simply is not true."
"Yet, I have to share you. I can do it, because I must, but, it will not be easy; not for me, for her, or you."
"I am thankful that you would try, she will learn and she will try just the same." He is sure of this. Lyanna is very resilient and he knows she is willing. "So will I." He has to; this was his doing.
Elia pulls away from him, "We should not have to." There is very little he could say to that. He knows it is only by virtue of whom he is that no one protests too much; the only reason why the two women even bother.
He presses on, "I know. I cannot undo what happened, but, she is trying and I know you are. You cannot possibly know how I grateful that she has you; that I have you."
She turns back towards him. "Do you think you think your gratitude, fondness, or even love could be enough?"
He reaches for her again. "Perhaps it is or perhaps it not. What I know is that I could not have even dared this with anyone else. No one else would have been strong enough to even be willing to try as you have."
There is a bitter smile on her face, "I was not strong enough to bear your third child, but, I am strong enough to see you marry and have children with someone else? See you be in love with someone else?"
"I cannot bear to lose you."
"You could have lost me, still."
He holds her. He is relieved that she lets him.
"Yes, that is so, but, as you saw, I did not think I could or would lose you. I do not want to. You cannot bear the thought of you gone. The both of you deserve better, but, I dread to even imagine being without you." Thinking of what she said just minutes before and he finds himself tightening his hold on her.
"Then, what should I do?" They lock gazes.
"Stay with me. Try with me. That is all I can ask."
"Why?"
"You are my wife."
She laughs, but, her laugh is choked, "Yes, one of two. Does that not make me quite the fool?" She pulls away slightly.
He takes her chin in one hand and tilts it up so she looks at him. "No, that makes you my wife who knows me so well, who loves our children, and who kind even when you do not have to be." He wraps his arms around her again.
"And you expect that will remedy everything?"
"No, and I do not expected it to, because it should not." There is no great remedy which could fix this, and it is not only for one person, for her, to do.
"Then, what are we doing?"
"We are being each other's family as we always have been."
She smiles archly, "Our family is greatly changed."
"Yes, that is true; but, you are my family and I am yours. That does not and will not change." He hopes she sees the truth in that.
"You say that now." Her tone is still uncertain.
He is firm in his belief when he says, "It is true and it will remain true."
"You sound so sure."
"You know me well enough to know that I am always sure."
She smiles, but, it is not a care-free one. "I suppose I do."
"Yes, you do. You have never doubted me before. Please do not doubt me now."
She nods. While it was not the response he desired, it was not a refusal either. This was not perfect, but, there was hope and that was something.