"Triangles," Mr. Jansen began, "are the foundation of trigonometry. This shape is made entirely of angles, all of them adding up to…"
Teresa blew a stray strand of hair out of her face and sighed deeply as she tried to take notes on the subject matter. When Mr. Jansen had turned to write something on the board, a folded piece of paper landed on her desk. She blinked and looked around the room to see who threw it, frowning when she saw that everyone was fixated on the lesson. She took this moment to unfold the paper and smooth it out so she could read it.
Get it together Stick! You're zoning out in the worst class possible – midterms are coming up and you need to focus. ~Sonya
Teresa crumpled the note in her hand before stuffing it between the pages of her notebook and looking down at it, only to see that instead of notes on Trig, she saw lots of random lines and scribbles, some which started to form mazes on her page.
She's right, Teresa thought as she gripped her pen and copied down the content on a clean page.
"There's a party tonight at Harriet's," Sonya told her as they walked out of their last class. "I'm personally inviting you to come as you are, have fun, dance, eat, whatever. It starts at 6 PM."
Teresa shrugged her shoulders and shifted her messenger bag onto her other shoulder. She looked out at the largest tree on campus and sighed. "Sorry I have a doctor's appointment after this – not sure how long it's gonna take."
"You don't have to be right there when it starts!" Sonya laughed. "Just come whenever, okay?"
Teresa didn't respond and she gripped her messenger bag strap as she squinted to look at the tree more closely. We climbed that tree in grade school, she thought with a sad smile. The teachers were so mad at them and kept screaming for them to get down from there. It took stern-faced Mr. Jansen who had been with the high school for only 3 years then to order them to come down before he called the fire department and their parents.
Sonya shot her a sideways glance and pursed her lips. She stopped short of the bus loading area and turned to face Teresa.
"Okay, I know it sucks losing your brother, but you can't keep living like this," Sonya said as she looked Teresa in the eye.
"Sony, there's more to life than just parties and socializing," Teresa said as she narrowed her blue eyes. "Look, I know you're trying to distract me and be a good friend or whatever, but it still hurts and you…just…don't get it." Before her friend could say another word, Teresa walked around her and boarded her bus, flashing her bus pass at the driver.
"Hi Teresa! So nice to see you again!" the receptionist gushed with a huge smile on her face. "How are you today?"
"I'm empty 'cause I lost my other half," Teresa replied with an emotionless expression. "How's that sound?"
The smile faltered from the receptionist's face and Aunt Ava quickly checked Teresa in and apologized to the receptionist for her response before steering her to the far left side of the waiting room. She picked up a stack of teen magazines and handed them to Teresa, encouraging her to read the latest news in Hollywood and the fashion world before the doctor called them in. Teresa nodded faintly as she flicked through the pages, not paying any attention to the content on the colorful pages.
Aunt Ava busied herself with her book of puzzles and finished solving the 24th one before trying to figure out the next one. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, until a young woman with short hair came out into the waiting room with a clipboard of a patient's files.
"Teresa Agnes?" the woman called out as she looked around the waiting room.
Teresa closed the magazine and dumped the stack onto the table nearby before standing up and shuffling towards the young woman dressed in scrubs with international flags all over them. She held the door open for her and Aunt Ava before leading them over to the right to get height and weight.
"I'm Brenda and I'll be assisting Dr. Jorge today for your exam," she said as she held out her hand to shake.
Teresa smiled faintly before taking her hand, shaking it gingerly, and mumbling a greeting that sounded something like "Hello". She yanked her boots off before she stepped on the scale to get weighed and measured.
Brenda slid some of the notches on the scale to get it to balance out and recorded the weight on her sheet. She directed Teresa to stand against the wall so she could record her height. Teresa pressed her back against the wall with the numbers for feet and inches and waited until Brenda finished scribbling it down on the exam report. She picked up her boots and shuffled down the hall into a room on the right. Brenda closed the door behind her and asked Aunt Ava for Teresa's current state ever since the last visit.
"She's been quieter than usual," Aunt Ava said as she looked over at Teresa with a concerned look on her face. "Hardly eats, doesn't want to see her friends, and spends her weekends sleeping or listening to music locked in her room. I'm afraid she's lost weight – I can see it in her face."
"Okay then," Brenda said as she noted it in the exam report. She flipped to a past exam report and pursed her lips as she viewed the information that was written down. "Yup, she weighed more last time Doctor saw her. I'll have to let the doctor know that."
"Will he be in soon?" Aunt Ava asked as she wrung her hands.
Brenda nodded as she headed to the door. "I'll go grab him and let him know you're ready. Shouldn't take too long."
"Thank you," Aunt Ava replied.
Teresa jumped onto the examination chair and dangled her legs off to the side, keeping her eyes on the floor.
"Teresa?" Aunt Ava said.
Teresa tore her gaze from the floor and met Aunt Ava's eyes. Aunt Ava closed her puzzle book and put it back into her bag. She folded her hands in her lap and said, "When the doctor comes in, he's going to have the results from the tests you took last time. If he asks you any questions, please try to answer them as best as you can. Okay?"
"Okay," Teresa sighed as someone knocked on the door.
The door opened and Dr. Jorge came in with Brenda behind him. He shook hands with Aunt Ava and smiled politely at Teresa before leaning against the counter across from Teresa. He held up her test results and said he was going to review them. Teresa nodded and watched Aunt Ava move to the edge of her seat to hear the results.
Dr. Jorge flipped open the file and removed the reports along with some scans of Teresa's brain. He flipped them around to show her as he explained that the brain activity seemed fairly normal – low amounts of dopamine, which was common for someone who had recently experienced loss, but nothing that seemed too dangerous or a cause for concern. He reviewed the rest of the tests and concluded that Teresa was simply exhibiting common signs of someone who had experienced loss, which could lead to depression if they didn't handle it sooner rather than later.
"Well does that mean you're going to prescribe her something?" Aunt Ava asked as she looked at Teresa.
"I don't want to be put on something," Teresa said as she shook her head violently.
Dr. Jorge winced and shared a look with Brenda before answering. "Ms. Paige, I'm…hesitant to put Teresa on any depression medicine because, really, it doesn't seem necessary at the moment."
"But she's hardly eating Doctor," Aunt Ava persisted as she wrung her hands in her lap. "Well, I mean, look at her. You can see it in her face – she picks at her food and lacks any interest or motivation to do anything except sit in her room or attend class."
"M'am, these are just mourning signs – I went through them myself when I lost my father," Brenda spoke up. "It can take a while to recover, depending on the person and the kind of relationship you had with them but sometimes medicine can do more harm than help."
Dr. Jorge pulled his glasses off and studied Teresa thoughtfully. He looked over at Aunt Ava and tapped the earpiece on his lips before continuing. "There is a youth/young adult support group that meets in the area to talk about dealing with loss – most of the members are your age Teresa. They meet once a week on Thursday nights to discuss loss and ways to deal with it…I'd suggest you attend their meetings for a month and see if that helps. If not, then come back and I'll prescribe something. That sound fair?"
Teresa bit her lip and chewed on it for a moment. She didn't feel like sitting and wallowing in other people's misery and pity – to be honest it sounded like torture to hear about more pain and suffering than just coping with her own. But at the same time, she didn't want to be that girl on depressants at school. She straightened up and looked Dr. Jorge in the eye.
"I'll give the support group a try," she said. "Where do they meet?"
"You look nice," Aunt Ava commented when she pulled up to the community tennis and swimming club where the support group met.
Teresa looked down at her outfit, which consisted of her favorite blue t-shirt dress, leggings, black leather jacket, and a pair of biker boots. She put on a bit of mascara and lip gloss to look a little less blah and she had tied her hair back into a low ponytail. "Thanks," she replied as she unclipped her seat belt and got out of the car with her bag.
"Call or text when you're done, okay?" Aunt Ava called after her as Teresa began walking to the security booth.
"Membership card?" the guard asked.
Teresa shot him an apologetic smile and jabbed her thumb at the rec room. "Um here for the weekly support group?"
The guard nodded and waved her on, telling her to have a good night. Teresa thanked him as she passed the booth and headed to the rec room, peering inside to see if anyone else had arrived early.
"Oh hi! Are you looking for the grief support group?" a young man with blonde hair asked as he stood up from his seat.
Teresa nodded and he opened his arms out wide. "Well c'mon in, you found us!" he said he gestured to the seats. "We'll start in 10 if you wanna grab a cookie or water over there." Teresa saw that he nodded to a table near the door where there was a plate of cookies sitting out next to a pitcher filled with water. She smiled politely as she walked past the table and took a seat near the exit, in case she was tempted to bolt. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked around the room to see who else was already there.
Aside from the young man who welcomed her, she saw he was talking to a guy with sandy blonde hair and dark eyes. There were a few other guys and a girl or two who were sitting and chatting quietly amongst each other near the front but it was a pretty small group so far.
Is this it? Teresa thought as she looked towards the door. She sat up straighter as a few more people came in and checked her watch. She had 5 minutes to kill before she was thrust into, well, whatever was going to happen during this group. More people continued to trickle in and fill the seats as it got closer to the starting time of the meeting. Teresa had gotten distracted by something that two younger guys were doing on their phones when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder.
"Sorry but is this seat taken?" a girl asked.
Teresa shook her head and the girl took the empty seat to Teresa's right, winding her messy dark hair into a ponytail as she settled into her seat.
"Looks like that's everyone," the young man said as he looked around the room. He held up a hand and waved at the group. "For those of you who just joined us, name's Mozart, like the composer. But let's just call me Zart, okay?"
"Okay," the group said.
"Great," Zart said as he leaned forward in his seat. "Welcome back gang to another session – I see a couple new faces so welcome. Would anyone care to share first?"
I knew it, Teresa thought as she sank a little in her chair. Why did I agree to this?
The sandy haired boy sitting next to Zart shrugged as he studied the group and waited for someone to start. When no one volunteered, he rolled his eyes and stood up, hobbling to the center of the group's circle as quickly as he could on his bad leg. He waved and dropped his hand as he introduced himself.
"I'm Newt," he replied in a warm accented voice. "I won't go on and on with my story, since I don't think ya need to hear that. Right then, I lost a shank that I considered a best friend to a botched appendicitis surgery. So ya can imagine how mad I was when the doctor and his mum told me what happened and I thought it was some sick joke." He paused for a moment and looked around at the group. "Yeah I hated the doctor what happened and I hit a low point where I questioned my life but…I bloody realized that…I can't live angry and upset if I wanna function. Knowing him, he wanted people to just pick their asses up and finish what they started." His eyes fell on Teresa and concluded, "Not gonna bloody lie – it hurts like shucking hell knowing he's gone. But I remember the good times we shared…which are pretty good considering how long I knew him." He headed back to his seat and a few people clapped for him.
"Thanks for sharing Newt," Zart said once Newt returned to his seat. He scanned the room and asked someone else to talk. A few people came up and talked about what they were dealing with – a mix of siblings, friends, family, some pets… Teresa listened as people came up and talked – some kept a serious face, others tried to inject humor, while others broke down and cried. Then before she knew it, Zart had zeroed in on her, on the brink of asking her to share when the girl beside her stood up and asked to go next.
"Oh uh okay then, Rachel," Zart said as he gestured to the center.
The girl thanked him before walking to the center. She waved to the group with a small smile and turned towards Teresa as she spoke. "Hi everyone," she began. "Name's Rachel but some people call me Rach." She rocked on her heels as she let out a huge breath of air before continuing, her eyes falling on Teresa's.
"Basically, we've all lost someone we've cared about and it hurts," she said. "I'm with you on that." She looked down at her hands before looking at Teresa again. "I lost my best friend, who was practically my brother. Before he died, he told me this quote he heard Zig Zigler said, which was "It's not the situation, but whether we react negative or respond positive to the situation that is important." I didn't really understand it until I nearly burned bridges with good friends who were worried about me slipping further into a depression. Funny thing is, I heard the quote again when I was reading something for class and…it just clicked in my mind." She paused for a moment as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and pushed her hands into her pockets.
"I'm not gonna pretend that I don't think about him a lot," Rachel continued, "but in order for me to function, I have to remember the good times, like what Newt said, and just live my life while keeping him alive in my memories."
Teresa tilted her head towards Rachel and sat up a little straighter in her seat. It's not the situation, but whether we react negative or respond positive to the situation that is important, Teresa thought as she pondered what Rachel just said. Then it hit her – this girl went before her on purpose so it would take up the rest of the meeting session, thus sparing Teresa the embarrassment of having to talk about herself at the end.
Zart broke the silence by applauding Rachel and the rest of the group joined in, Teresa adding her quiet clapping to the mix. He checked his watch and thanked Rachel before announcing that this week's session had concluded.
"I'll see you all next week," he said. "Next week we'll be meeting at the diner down the street and trying a new activity. If you want to buy food or drinks, make sure you bring some form of payment."
The group began leaving in waves and Teresa decided to wait until the huge crush of people left. She stood up once most of the people left and picked up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. She walked towards the exit and saw that Rachel was standing outside, checking something on her phone. She walked up to the other girl as she wrapped her fingers around her bag strap.
"Thanks," Teresa murmured.
Rachel looked up from her phone and closed the app she was on before clicking the button on top to lock the screen. "You're welcome," Rachel said with a faint smile. "That was me a couple sessions ago – just sat in silence and didn't contribute because I didn't feel like sharing. You looked like you were quite ready to spill what happened just yet."
"Am I that obvious?"
Rachel shrugged as she put her phone away into her tote. "No…I just…know what it's like to have a bunch of strangers looking at you, not judging but kind of in a way, as you tell your big story about why you're there." She nodded at the entrance to the club and asked if Teresa was waiting for her ride.
"She won't be here until I tell her it's over," Teresa admitted. "Do you have to go now?"
Rachel shook her head no and shoved her hands into her jacket pockets. "Did you wanna walk to the diner and talk? We don't actually have to eat – probably get away with just buying drinks or something small."
Teresa shot her a small smile and nodded. The two of them walked a block and a half to the diner on the corner. Rachel turned to Teresa and held out her hand. "Rachel by the way," Rachel said.
"Teresa," Teresa replied as she shook Rachel's hand. She dropped it once they reached the door and held it open for Rachel before walking through it. Rachel opened the second door to the diner and waited for Teresa to walk through before following. They approached the hostess stand and waited for the hostess to seat them.
"Evening girls, just two tonight?" the hostess asked as she stuck her pen behind her ear.
"Yes," Rachel replied. "Could we get a corner booth by any chance?"
The hostess craned her neck as she checked the four booths in the location and nodded as she started taking them over to the one in the far left near the kitchen. She slapped the menus on the table as the girls slid into the booth on opposite sides.
"Can I get you girls something to drink?" the hostess asked.
"Just water for me," Rachel said as she put her tote next to her.
"Black coffee please," Teresa said.
The hostess nodded before heading over to the counter to fulfill those drinks. She returned shortly with them and plunked them down on paper doilies before excusing herself to return to the hostess stand.
"You drink your coffee black?" Rachel asked as she watched Teresa turn the mug in her hands.
"No um…" Teresa trailed off, "Thomas…my twin did. I always have to add something to it but ever since…um, yeah you know."
Rachel reached her hand out and gently placed it on top of Teresa's. Her skin was warmer with olive tones, a stark contrast to Teresa's fairer skin tone. "Take your time – no rush," Rachel reassured her. "I've got time."
Teresa flashed her a grateful smile before picking up the sugar container and pouring a long stream of it into her mug. She picked up her spoon and began stirring the sugar in. She kept her eyes on the mug as she started talking again. "He was fine until a year and half ago," she said as she stirred. "He felt something in his foot and our aunt took him to see the doctor. Doctor scanned him and found…early signs of osteosarcoma that had spread to his leg." She put her spoon down and looked up at Rachel. Rachel encouraged her to continue whenever she was ready and Teresa took a sip from her mug. Even though she poured what she thought was a lot of sugar into it, it still tasted bitter. She put the mug down and looked back at Rachel.
"They started chemo," Teresa continued. "But then it spread to his other leg, which just…killed him. He used to run cross-country with a guy he was close with and the doctors said they would try to amputate his legs to see if that would stop the spreading. It worked…for a while. He was sad that he'd never get to run again but he took up swimming because it was good physical therapy for his body. I'd say he was in the clear for a couple of months before he felt that same pain again."
"Remission?"
"Yes," Teresa said as she looked down at the table. She traced the retro swirl design pattern with her finger and she took a deep breath before continuing. "It was spreading really fast and the doctors said that they would try chemo again but it was ineffective. He was in so much pain and he wasn't able to function without dealing with pain at every moment. He talked to my aunt and they agreed that it was time. They didn't tell me until the day of and I was a wreck. Here I am, crying, trying not to yell at him for doing this to me but he wouldn't change his mind. He told me that I needed to be there for Aunt Ava, that he just couldn't function properly to do it and that there wasn't anything more than could be done. They had to pull me out of the room before they…" Teresa stopped abruptly and curled her fingers into a fist as tears pooled around her eyelids. She hated crying in public but she couldn't stop the first tears that escaped her eyes before the rest came down her face in a steady stream. She heard a squeaking sound coming from the pleather booth seat across from her and she felt Rachel wrap her arms around her, pulling her face towards her chest.
"Let it out," Rachel said in a soothing voice. "Seems like you had that bottled that up for a while and it needed to be come out."
Teresa nodded as she cried into Rachel's jacket, her shoulders shaking, her breathing labored with every sob. Rachel patted her shoulder and looked around the diner, studying the tacky cat clock with the shifting eyes that swung left and right as the second hand moved.
"His name was Aris," Rachel murmured. "He was my best friend since we were kids. He was on his way to his grandfather's when a drunk driver slammed into the passenger side of his mom's car on a busy highway. Car smashed into the center divider and killed his mom on impact. He had broken bones and was in a coma when they took him to the hospital. They gave him a couple of days before pulling the plug." She sighed deeply and rested her chin on Teresa's shoulder for a few moments.
The waitress approached their table and quickly shot them an apologetic smile before mouthing at Rachel to take their time. She disappeared into the kitchen to grab an order for another table while the two girls pulled away from each other and sat back against the booth. Teresa wiped away her tears and messed up mascara with her napkin as best as she could and crumpled the napkin into a ball.
"Sorry about that," she said after she took a deep breath. "You're the first person I've told about any of that."
"You don't have to apologize," Rachel said as she turned to look at Teresa. "You miss him because he was a part of you – I'm guessing you were both close when he was alive."
Teresa nodded and she propped her elbow on the table, resting her chin on top of her fist. "I'm so sorry about Aris. Did they catch the driver?"
Rachel cast her glance at the table and she fiddled with the doily under her water glass. "The driver died in the crash too. Apparently he had gone through a bad break-up with a girlfriend and he drank too much before getting into his car. He should have taken a cab home instead but…well, it happened and he paid the price for it too. I'm not trying to say he deserved it or anything but, I just can't dwell on the event forever."
"You made a good point during the meeting," Teresa began, "that quote, I mean. It made a lot of sense…"
"Thanks and I mean it – it has really helped me move beyond the depression I was experiencing after Aris died," Rachel explained. She nudged the menu on the table and glanced over at Teresa. "Hey, were you planning to order anything besides coffee?"
"Maybe," Teresa said as she yanked it open. She skimmed the pages and pointed to the sides. "I'll probably just get some French fries with melted cheese."
"Okay I was kinda thinking that too," Rachel admitted as she looked over at the page. "French fries sound good now – plus they're kinda hard to screw up."
"Good point," Teresa laughed as she closed her menu. "You said you had time, right?"
"Yeah I did," Rachel replied.
Teresa flagged down their waitress put in the order and handed over the menus. The waitress collected them and scribbled the order down before taking it to the kitchen to fulfill. Teresa watched as the waitress walked away before turning back to Rachel.
"Great," Teresa said. "You know, this is the first time I've actually felt anything other than sad or angry in a long time and after talking to you…I feel a lot better."
Rachel smiled as she tilted her head towards Teresa. "Well, I've got plenty of time to chat tonight, so…shoot."