AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is based on the gameplay of two friends who love Mass Effect 1 &2 . It's not intended for the easily offended. We poke fun at all the characters and even include some glitches that we had in the game. We somewhat follow the storyline, but it will definitely deviate from it are certain points. 95% of the credit belongs to Courtney because this was her idea and genius. I (Jenna) have only been editing and adding bits and pieces. We hope you enjoy.

Commander Jenna Shepard was helpless in her captain's quarters seething with anger while the SSV Normandy was recently grounded at the Citadel by Udina after an unpleasant talk with the council. Her door was kept open as a welcome invitation to any visitors. Kaiden Alenko took this opportunity and tiptoed inside. Jenna was unsure why he tiptoed; she was facing towards the door and watching him as he entered.

"Commander," Kaiden started in his raspy, whispery voice. "Is there something you need help with?"

Jenna raised an eyebrow in question, "What? No. You came in here… whatever. Kaiden, come hither and sit with me on my bed." They sat next to each other, buttcheek to buttcheek. "Kaiden, you've been a great suck-up to me this entire time we've spent together. I want to present you with a gift expressing my gratitude."

Kaiden broke into a big goofy smile to match the hopefulness in his eyes. "Commander? Is there something-…"

"Just shut up," Jenna interrupted him. "You always start the same conversations everyway, just take the damn gift. It's my favorite book; it really expresses how I feel about you."

Jenna forced a book into Kaiden's hands which read FUCK OFF as the title. He opened it and flipped the pages. Every page was blank except for the first page that had one single texted line: "You're a faggot." His smile grew bigger and chuckled under his breath like a smoker trying to clear their throat.

"Commander, I appreciate the gift but it's just… my L2 implants make it impossible for me to read. It's a downside to the older L2 models in comparison to the L3's, but at least I don't have cancer." He hugged Jenna for her thoughtful gift. Kaiden was in love.

Jenna cut the romantic date short before Kaiden could talk more about biotic camp. She was too irritated at being grounded she just couldn't put her whole self into a risqué date. The commander of the Normandy had to get her mind off it until she could continue further into the storyline. She flipped her red hair over her shoulder. Jenna felt a little frisky and there was only one place where all the cooler characters on the ship hung out, and she wanted to cause some trouble. As she headed down the elevator she could already hear some arguing ensuing between the few aliens aboard the human ship.

"You ignorant turtles do not know how hard it is for us quarians! Pilgrimages are a functional solution to helping our race unlike you krogans who used to kidnap my kind to make your ships!"

The scarred krogan snorted uncaringly towards the quarian's banter waving her off. "At least we gave you a purpose to your pathetic lives than constantly tune-up your tortilla."

"Oh yes, please tell us more about your flotilla stories. They're so interesting," Garrus jabbed in with a very condescending tone.

At this time Jenna walked out of the elevator and took one look at Tali. She narrowed her bright green eyes and made a "shooing" motion with her hands while questioning the quarian, "Ew! Who said you can come out from your hole, freak? Shoo-shoo!"

Tali stomped off hissing and screaming obscenities about the other races as Jenna scanned the room looking for something or someone in particular. Her eyes lay where the recently deceased Ashley used to stand and webcam to her stupid family all day. The memories of being back on Virmire with the weight of the world laid on her shoulders. Jenna had to make the decision to either let Kaiden die or kill Ashley. She never made an easier decision in all of her life. Jenna's eyes wandered over to the Mako, wondering who designed that piece of shit. Another memory sparked in her head.

"Commander, you can't be serious!" the blue skinned woman yelped in a panic in the backseat of the Mako.

"CALM DOWN LIARA!" Jenna shouted back. "IT'S JUST A MOUNTAIN!"

Neither Tali nor Liara had seatbelts and the Mako was looking down a very steep and long fall down the side of the mountain. Jenna put the pedal to the metal and the Mako went tumbling down. Flip after flip the alien's screamed profanity and knocked their bodies in the inside of the tank. Vomit began to spew from their mouths splashing against everything. Once the Mako came to a complete stop everyone was a complete mess.

"It was worth it," Jenna mumbled under her breath smiling to the happy memory. In a few long strides, Jenna was up in Garrus' face with a scowl. "Well, where is she?" Her demands didn't make the turian very happy but she was the commander of the ship so he had to oblige himself to give a curt nod to a dark shadow in the corner of the room.

Silence enveloped the room for a while until the shadow spoke in a violent raspy whisper "…I am the night."

"Buttney, get your ass over here, I need to speak with you!" Commander Jenna demanded. Doing what she was told, Courtney emerged from her corner revealing herself in a Batman outfit. "What the fuck are you wearing?" Her blue eyes were glowing in a scary way, and her dark brown hair tucked away in the mask.

Continuing her violent whisper "I am vengeance. I am here to protect those worth protecting." This sentence earned her a quick slap across the cheek and some more lecturing from Jenna to quit it.

"Buttney, listen. Captain Blackerson asked me to go to the Citadel and meet him in Flux. I don't want to meet him, so go for me. "

Courtney narrowed her eyes at Jenna questionably as if trying to scrutinize the true reign of Jenna's authority. Both were commanders, but Courtney came from an alternate dimension making her an alternate Shepard or something; Jenna was drunk for the first half of this mission she couldn't remember. The scrutinizing only lasted for a few seconds until her face relaxed and agreed to go. Courtney wanted to get out of the Normandy. "Okay, Garrus and Wrex come, come," she said with two claps and they left for the Citadel without question.

Jenna had her own errands to run in the Citadel. She took Kaiden and Navigator Pressley.

Now normally dressed, Courtney always admired the Citadel and enjoyed strolling through the wards. She breathed out a loud admiring sigh as they went down a very long elevator ride.

"Garrus, remember when you worked at C-Sec?"

The turian groaned a bit before responding. "Yes, Commander you ask this question every time we come back to the Citadel. I dread coming back here. Not only was C-Sec not fun to work for, but you find me the ugliest armor and helmet to wear…"

Courtney let out an exaggerated gasp, "You don't like pink? We don't get paid for saving the galaxy, Garrus."

"You have over a million credits stashed from all those Batarians we've killed and mugged!"

"Yes but it's so hard finding a store I like…" she paused and immediately brought her two hands to her face covering her nose. "WREX!"

The krogan laughed which clearly admitted his crime and shouting about something about how he is krogan. The entire elevator was stuck with a stench so foul and dense it was impossible to breathe through your lungs without suffocating and burned your eyes. Courtney slowly was losing consciousness and weakly slamming her fists against the elevator glass windows screaming "I don't wanna live anymore!" Garrus was fighting to stay alive against the toxic gas as well. He joined in with Courtney's slamming fist with the butt of his rife against the glass until it shattered. The both of them suicide jumped off the elevator.

Jenna had written a list of goods she needed to buy before the next long journey. She didn't intend to be grounded for much longer. She'll humor Anderson and play things out his way for now.

"Pressley this is your half of the list, I need everything exactly it is written. No mistakes, got it?" Pressley of course responded back with a "Yes, Ma'am!" before he turned on his heels and went his way. "Kaiden, you stick with me because you'll prance off and get lost for hours if I let you go alone." Kaiden followed Jenna in his usual ballerina walk, hands in the air like a puppet.

But, before she could even get started on her list she heard a scream that made her heart sink. Such a cry that only Jenna's heart would break over. Pressley was in trouble. Jenna threw her head back where she last left Pressley and there were two armed krogans holding Pressley captive.

"What are you doing with Pressley?" Jenna demand. Her emotional stability was at its edge, tears were building in her eyes at the threat of something terrible happening to Pressley. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" She yelled as she dropped to her knees and punched the ground forcefully. "You bastards," she muttered defeated.

The two krogans exchanged looks completely taken off guard by such a reaction. "Listen well human," one krogan spat. "The shadow broker wanted to leave you a message. The shadow broker doesn't take kindly to your betrayal with his services."

This changed Jenna's face to a more serious look. "Shadow broker, huh?" She stood back up and went into a thinking pose; she was very deep in thought. "Could you remind me exactly what this betrayal was?" Jenna honestly couldn't think of any deal she made that would connect with the shadow broker.

The other krogen piped in, "We don't have that kind of information. We're just here to give you the message." After this was said he placed his gun to Pressley's temple.

Kaiden screamed a little too high pitched at this sight, "Please don't! You don't have to do this! This is my entire fault commander, if only my L2 implants were a L3 implants. I'd take the cancer for Pressley."

"Yes please," Jenna begged "shoot Kaiden, but leave Pressley alone! Let's do a trade. Besides I really think you have the wrong Shepard."

The krogans exchanged looks again. One of the krogan in a confused voice explained, "You really don't have a place to negotiate over this." Again Jenna collapsed at the threat of losing Pressley and on her knees weakly punched the ground.

While distracted by this over-dramatic emotion from Jenna the krogans had no idea of the threat behind them. That instance, in a flash, a blur a figure came from the shadows and swiftly maneuvered itself to stab and slice the throats of both of them. The krogan's bodies fell to the ground with a loud thump in contrast to their silent death. As quick as the figure came, it had vanished.

Jenna looked up to see the dead krogans fall and an unharmed Pressley. Kaiden and Pressley were just as confused. "What happened?" Jenna was so confused.

Pressley with his power of hindsight took in all that was accounted for, "I've heard stories Ma'am of deadly assassins that make such clean kills they are invisible to all."

Jenna stood back up and went back into her thinking pose. "Shadow broker and assassins…"