Okay first P+P fanfic, be nice, review and tell me if you want more. Enjoy J
Disclaimer: I know I don't need one but I like to cover my but from the law. Don't own it. Jane Austen does.
Mr Collins
Dear Mr Collins,
You do not know me and I have no intention of getting to know you any better as you are a smarmy git. In reading into your character I have been disgusted, appalled and I ardently hate you.
What puzzles me is your habits, firstly do you wash your hair? I assume not as you are very greasy-like. Also you kiss Catherine de Bough's ass as if it were roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with extra gravy. (Sorry for that mental image, actually no I am not.) And yet just when people think you're a smarmy git gold digger idiot, you marry the abhorrently awful Charlotte Lucas.
So this makes you a smarmy git wizard, a gold digger, a cradle robber, an idiot and I know what you are asking, why smarmy git wizard? Because when Lydia got into trouble with Wickham, you came over and basically laughed in their face and subtly reminded them that once there dad kicks the bucket, the house is yours.
Also just to clear the air on this, no-one cares about the mantle piece at Rosings, only other smarmy gits, therefore you and Wickham, but even he see's through your desperate attempt to climb the social ladder.
Learn to take no for an answer, as Elizabeth said no, deal with it, don't go crying of to her mother. I thank god everyday that Lizzie didn't pick you.
If I had to compare you to another literary character it would be dogberry from much ado about nothing.
If I have hurt your feelings then I am glad and please don't repeat yourself by running of to cry about it to my mother. She has enough to deal with without a smarmy git.
Please stop bothering the Bennet's, the Darcy's and the de Boughs.
Yours sincerely
Nicola
Sorry about the shortness of it, I hope that these chapters will become longer as more important characters get their letter. Who's next? ;)