Nessie

Jacob was always looking at me. You would think it would be something similar to being contemplated or judged; but I didn't mind. His constant staring meant he was watching over me, keeping me safe. He was protecting and loving me.

I dreamt about him sometimes. He was always peering at me that same way in the dreams, too. Simply and quietly, his eyes would swivel over and glue themselves to my face; or my hair, eyes, and sometimes even just my wrists. And it was always at the strangest of times, too. For example, I could be doing something as trivial as washing some dishes he had just dirtied, or he would watch me as I read a book; and his eyes, in both reality and in my dream world, would sprout this strange, bewildered look of appreciation and love for me.

It was nice. To be looked at that way, I mean.

In both universes, conscious and unconscious, I would raise my head questionably and say "what?"

He would tear his eyes away (regretfully, it seemed) and shrug.

"Nothing, just watching you."

"How boring. I'm just sitting here."

Jacob would smile and softly say; "That's what you think."

If I was dreaming this scenario, I would wake up feeling confused. Although there really wasn't anything confusing about it, it was a pleasurable experience. So I always wondered why I felt like I was missing something obvious, like I was unaware of something monumental happening between his heart and mine. I was just too stupid to realize it.

If I caught him staring in the physical world I would then have to resort back to whatever I was doing before I caught him looking. Still feeling quizzical, mind you. Only if I was studying I would read the same sentence over and over again until I could disperse the feelings of love and disorientation into a more dormant corner of my being.

This is one of those times. Realistically.

"What?" I ask him, pleased to have caught his eyes again.

"What?" He repeats playfully, stretching out his legs from a pretzel position and splaying them out on Esme's coffee table.

I chortle, "Stop staring at me! I'm self-conscious."

"What are you reading?"

"A book."

"No way."

"Yes way, but I'm bored now." I close it and turn to him, "Occupy me, Jake!"

He wrinkles his nose and sighs like I'm a bother. "I suppose I could take you out. A spoiled brat, is what you are." He grins a toothy grin. "I could take you to First Beach."

"That sounds nice." I blink up at him happily. "I'll go leave a note for Daddy."

Jake shrugs. "Okay, I'll go get my keys."

"No, actually." I say as I catch his arm as he tries to stand up. "If we walk, we can spend longer there. We could start a beach fire, too. If you want to, that is."

"Anything you want, Nessie." He stretches his back and yawns. "Aah, I'm stiff from babysitting you while you read big mammoth books. You nerd."

"You didn't have to sit with me, if you didn't want to." I answer as he opens the front door to the big house. Although I'm glad he did snuggle in next to me, I always love being close to him on couches. It's warm.

"But I like sitting with you," Jacob adds. "Its nice and peaceful. Like nap-time." He finishes with a contented smile at me.

We don't say much while making our way towards the Quileute Rez. My steps perk up when familiar salty air filters into my nostrils as we near the sea. I breathe deeply for more of it and catch a whiff of Jacob's rustic woodsy smell, like tilled soil or evaporating sweat.

"Jake?" I ask him hesitantly as we pass some fallen trees. My stomach churns.

"Yeah, Ness?"

"How come you don't have a girlfriend?"

"I do have a girlfriend, her name is so and so, and she is so great, Nessie. She really is."

He doesn't say that, but I've had that nightmare before.

Instead Jacob is quiet, and the only sound is Jake's bare feet walking on wet earth. If I listen really hard I can hear the worms tunneling through it.

Jacob's eyebrows are knitted together and his lips are pressed closed. His dark eyes solving things unseen.

I'm asking this question because of Seth. He had been at Billy's house for the fire three nights ago. His eyes had been bright and he was grinning when he sauntered into the Black residence after a perimeter run and came over to the group gathered around Billy and said something to Jacob, and then to Leah, and then Quil. Quil had smiled, Leah rolled her eyes and my Jacob had laughed out loud at his words. One of those belly vibrating laughs that take up a whole room.

I had been watching from Billy's kitchen window pouring soda for us both when Seth made his way inside, asking what there was to eat. That was when I first heard the word that has been on my mind ever since: imprint.

Seth had just met his; a girl from the other side of the reservation that he had met at some house party.

"Nessie!" He had gushed when he saw me with two glasses and a liter of Dr. Pepper. "How's it going?" He asked amiably. "Having a good night?"

"It's going good. Me and Jake were thirsty, so." I held up the glasses.

He just nodded. "I'm meeting my new girl here," he announced happily. "She should be here soon."

"Oh that's great!" I said. "When did you guys meet?"

"Yesterday," He said with an enraptured look on his face.

"Wow that was quick, then." I replied, just making conversation. "Think you two are meant to be?" I poured the most soda in Jake's glass.

"Oh, you have no idea. Well, you know, don't you? She's my imprint; you know, soul mates? She's pretty much the greatest thing ever."

I had cocked my head to the side, "Imprint? What's that?"

Seth had stilled. A surprised and nervous shadow crept over his face, and his eyes darted quickly to the window and the people on the other side.

"Oh…um. I thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

"Ah, I dunno. Is Jake still outside? I'll just go see if he's hungry for anything."

"Oh don't worry, I'm bringing stuff out."

Then Seth left… awkwardly. I just shook it off and then focused on pouring the brown liquid into plastic cups. I felt foolish when this scary feeling in my stomach, like a cold liquid, went seeping through my stomach and guts. I haven't felt that very often in my life, but it feels like fear.

And it was so stupid because there was nothing I could possibly be afraid of. Just Seth being Seth.

I had had unprecedented, unreasonable feelings before, especially in the past few years as I kept growing and changing. I remember how exhausting it could be to be an early year teenager. One morning you could be so, so high; and then by night one little thing could change and then the sky was crashing down around your ears. The day Carlisle pronounced me fully grown I was, needless to say, relieved. I think Jacob was too, since his stares increased in both intensity and minutes.

I didn't know that imprints were their soul mates. Consciously, I didn't. Seth had just mentioned it that once; but that night as Jake and I got in his car I began to start piecing things together. Jacob always told me I was clever, but I knew I was less so than he always said I was, and so it was really bruised my ego when I couldn't puzzle everything together. Just tiny bits here and there.

From what I saw through Billy's kitchen window, Jake knew what an imprint was, and so did Leah and Quil. So that meant it was common knowledge amongst the pack. But not me. I didn't know. And I wanted to know everything about Jake.

While he was driving me home after the fire that night I had fallen asleep. He shook me gently awake and groggily protested when he had lifted me out and carried me to my bed, my parents watching closely over his shoulder. I asked him to stay with me for a while and he nodded as he sat on the bed next to me. I had leaned over and threw my arms around him, burying my face in his chest and closing my eyes. Jake didn't look concerned about my sudden attachment; he looked pleased actually; so I just clung to him for multiple minutes while he hummed tunelessly. He rubbed my back and said "you feeling okay, honey?"

"Yeah," I didn't offer to explain any further, and so he took that in stride and just kissed my forehead.

"Okay. Good night, my Jacob." I said when I came up for air and started crawling under the covers.

"G'Night, Ness."

I had watched him as he opened my window and slid lithely into the night. A cool breeze nuzzled my cheeks and hair and I had closed my eyes to the sensation, trying to let it calm me. When I opened them again, Jake was still standing outside the window looking in. His eyes were deep. Rooted; almost bottomless. More enthralled than I've ever seen them. His mouth is slightly open.

"Oh, did you forget something?" I had asked him, confused…and excited that I had caught the ultimate unnecessary attention. What did that mean? His face? Could what I was worried about be nothing after all?

"No. It's nothing. Sweet dreams, Nessie." And then he was gone. I think I heard a certain shifting, and then there was a glimpse of a wolf disappearing into deeper shadows.

"Good night, my Jacob." I had said to the empty room.

Different thoughts, horrible thoughts, had entered my mind that night and I grew afraid. So very, very afraid he would leave me for another girl he just met, a girl he had imprinted on. Tears had leaked onto my pillow, I remember. But that was then, this is now. I refuse to cry about it now.

"Why would I need a girlfriend?" He says quietly, bringing me back to reality.

I shrug, shaking off the intrigue of the memory. "To keep you company."

"You keep me company, Ness."

"I didn't mean it like that-" I can feel myself turning red. "I meant, someone to, you know, h-hold and love, someone just for you."

I can't believe I stammered. I'm so stupid. The silence between us stretches and amplifies the sound of waves crashing, loud and obnoxious.

"Am I your best friend, Nessie?" There's a panicky tone to it.

I feel my eyes widen, "Of course! And you're mine."

"That's all I need, Ness. I just need you to need me and to be happy. You need me to be your best friend? I can do that. I will do anything for you."

"Because I'm your best friend?" We had cleared the forest now, and what was really amazing is that the sun was shining. Not a cloud in the sky. I took this as a sign that it was alright to do what I was about to do.

"Yes," Jake answered. "My best friend. You need it, I got it."

"So you'll never lie to me?" I questioned with the answer already burning in my pocket.

His dark eyes rounded out. "Never."

"Then what is imprinting? Seth said he met his, is it like geese? Like how geese imprint on the first thing they see?"

The whites around his beautiful black orbs increased in size, his iris a complete globe.

"Who-w-where did you hear that?"

"Around. Every one else knows what it is. So I don't understand why you think I'm so…either childish or stupid enough to keep it from me. Like I wouldn't be able to figure it out."

That was uncalled for. That comment. It really was.

I was just feeling little.

"Nessie…"

"Don't Nessie me, I just think it was a hell of a thing to leave out, you know?"

"I know, I know. Okay, ah... sit down." He gestures awkwardly to a fallen tree.

"No." I stamp my foot. I really, really just stamped my foot. For the love of all things holy. This man made me crazy.

And then it hit me. Who he had imprinted on, I mean. It made sense, actually. He had known her longer than I have. She was married, and I was the next best thing, her daughter. I was number two; similar but not quite the real deal. I was what he would have to settle for. He was protecting me for her. He would be whatever she needed him to be.

A babysitter.

"Just leave, Jacob." I whispered. The rain that suddenly began to pour wasn't water, it was blood. "Just leave me alone."

And then I was gone. Running for my second best life.