Lovely opening A/N:
So, this is kind of a 'I'm-sorry-for-not-updating-ASSS-please-forgive-me' bribe chapter, but I was inspired a little over two weeks ago to write this. I'm working on the fourth poem right now, but it's a work in progress. I'll update the ones I have every two weeks or so. It depends on what kind of mood I'm in when and what I write.
I don't know, I love looking at characters and especially the Guardians are fascinating to me. KHR tends to leave everyone pretty two-dimensional, but that's not how it works in rl! Other people have their own things going on. So this series of poems/poem-like things that will try to expand on possible problems that the Guardians may have.
Warnings: Dark, mentions of suicide, free-verse poem style, absolutely no capitalization, not very much punctuation either (I think it works), half the word count is A/N and character analysis (oops).
It's weird, and it looks weird, but give it a try?
Ah, yes. And finally, neither KHR or Smile are mine. I wish.
-.-.-.-
Rain
-.-.-.-
.
smile
-.-.-.-
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
-.-
he smiles and laughs
it's the only thing he knows how to do
(even when he sees the assessing glances from the corner of his eyes and knows
they only want him for his body or his skill or his bright, fakefalsefake laughter)
he smiles and laughs
even when they all blur together and his vision blanks out and all their hands grab at him, pulling out more than he can give,
his heart, his kindness, his calm, his forgiveness, his blue, his soul
(one more home run, takeshi-the-baseball-ace!)
they all blur together, one and the same, like greedy black holes of need and longing and they suck all the nutrients from him
destructive demons, static parasites
he smiles and laughs
and when he does they suck in the laugh and use it for a moment's sustenance
(he wonders where they learned how to do that
their own laughs sound empty and unfulfilling to his ears and he can't bring himself to swallow one. is it instinct?
if he tried, would it bring the void where his chest is supposed to be
(where it used to be overflowing with blueoceanrainblue before his mother died and took his emotions and soul with her)
(but now it's all sucked out before he can wet the walls of his insides)
would it bring a moment's relief?)
-.-
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
-.-.-.-
.
his name
-.-.-.-
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
-.-
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
is his name
Yamamato Takeshi was a person long ago
who had a heart overflowing with blue that
replenished at a kind word from mother
and a loud, barked laugh from father
he knew who he was
he had home
.
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
is well-liked, widely known, respected and revered, lusted after.
his house is among the baseball field and his teammates, friends
except it's a shaky place, unstable in that
it wasn't really framed, the foundation was never poured, never mind solid
it is just furniture and paint
.
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
is always, always smiling and always, always laughing
his shoulder is always there, ready to cry on
he offers false, taffy, too-wide smiles that students are only-too-happy to return
.
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
is happy, content, with his lot and keeps on smiling
Yamamato Takeshi is screaming inside, since he can't cry
any longer because the parasites have dried up all the blue
everything he is is crumbling and being painted over
(takeshi can barely hold onto his parent's words of calmcontrolcalmsmooth and comes an inch closer to slaughtering them all every day
he will laugh and then take their blood and bathe in it as a recompense for his blue)
-.-
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by
-.-.-.-
.
decay
-.-.-.-
Smile, what's the use of crying
-.-
then one day
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
breaks his arm trying to hold his house together during an earthquake and the paint starts to peel and the furniture cracks
(takeshi wants to surface but he's pushed down viciously)
Yamamato Takeshi is in control for the first time in years
he's confused and lost now
he isn't the same as when he was locked away in a box
the world's different and he's uncertain and he has nothing left to give, that's why takeshi-the-baseball-ace broke
he wants to scream and break down in a corner
(he can't talk)
but instead he ends up slapping their hands away and teetering on the edge of the roof
fantasizing about the rush of flying and (maybe the blue would pour in at the last second and let him taste it once more) the thunk of his malnourished body against the ground
the shock of their expressions as they realize
yes
this is who he is
what he felt
what I've done
it's not a joke
—and he's almost convinced himself that he's happy about this decision and everyone will be better off without him—
when Tsuna stumbles in ungracefully and mops up the situation in knots that somehow stroke the sides of his heart and make blue start trickling in again.
his words never should have worked, stuttered and quiet, desperate as they were.
But they weren't weak or false. They were utterly sincere, like he never had the courage to be,
backed by steel that forced him to pay attention and listen.
.
All Takeshi ever wanted was attention
-to the true him, not takeshi-the-baseball-ace-
someone who would see the house and think
it's unstable, it has no foundation
tear down the walls, look at the empty air it was perched on,
and say, let's build a new one. The right way.
-.-
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
-.-.-.-
.
dawn
-.-.-.-
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you
-.-
Tsuna did all that and more.
The moment Tsuna accepted him and decided that he wanted Takeshi for Takeshi, he clung.
He clung hard.
(He might have fallen a little in love.)
Tsuna was color, Tsuna was light, Tsuna was everything he begged for, never deserved but got anyway and
he had no idea how he'd ended up this lucky.
.
takeshi-the-baseball-ace
faded, no longer needed, and Takeshi and takeshi softly kissed him goodbye, glad when the last piece half-dissipated, while the other half was absorbed into a much wholer Takeshi.
Takeshi loved Tsuna, adored him, was single-mindedly devoted. He might be called crazy. He knew it, didn't care—loved it, embraced it, even.
Tsuna needed his love and support. He tried to reciprocate Tsuna's stunted, heartfelt, life-changing speech to the teen himself whenever possible. If he lost Tsuna, he would break.
takeshi didn't want to kill Tsuna, which said a lot. As long as he was appeased and Tsuna didn't mind, he actually kinda obsessed over his Sky in quiet moments and it helped to not drown in bloodlust and inaction.
Both parts of him would kill or die for their Sky, whatever duty dictated.
-.-
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
-.-.-.-
A/N:
That's a wrap! Didja like it?
-Character spiel-
Takeshi especially is fascinating to me. His seeming obliviousness and hitman instincts are an oxymoron. After he attempted suicide, the problem 'goes away' and we never hear about it again. He's a mix of conundrums we never really get a peek into the mind of. This is one take on it. I'll probably write a Rain 2 one day.
This is more of a depressed Takeshi, giving everything he's got to be popular and normal, but it's not very clear why. Oh well. There could be so many reasons. He's also just kinda detached, at least as takesh-the-baseball-ace, which has been his persona for a long, long time, probably since his mother died, if we're looking here. The desperation and knowledge that something is wrong is more from Yamamato, and it reaches takeshi-the-baseball-ace through a filter so he sounds kind of distant when the worries get to him, grave but not thinking like it effects him. He's been out for a while and for all he knows Takeshi is going to fade and he'll be all that's left.
Haha, ha, ha... I don't know what happened with Takeshi, takeshi, and takeshi-the-baseball-ace, but I feel like it fits pretty well. takeshi is his hitman side, of course, and Takeshi is who he used to be. takeshi-the-baseball-ace is his popular baseball persona. I don't feel like they're different personalities, just different masks/parts that he lets out when it's appropriate.
-End character spiel-
Yeah, and another thing. Tsuna's relationship with nearly all his Guardians just isn't very healthy, at least in the beginning, so I'm highlighting that at the ends of the poems. Not bashing Tsuna, when he grows up he's not a teenager anymore, but anyway. Takeshi's little spiel about Tsuna probably isn't what he felt in canon, he seems a bit too lighthearted around Tsuna for that, but the (realistic) alternative was to continue to have him struggle with depression. Maybe in Rain 2.
And the most of other poems aren't going have this 'fancy-perfect-song-lyrics' thing happening, I'm too lazy for that. I just happened to remember this song and thought it would go well, and it did!
Coming up next: Storm!
Questions for reviewers: What's your favorite depiction of Takeshi, where do you think I went a little overboard (I tend to be dramatic), and what do you think is going to happen in Storm?