Title: You try to smile it away (Some things you can't disguise)
Author: SomewhereBeyondReality
Rating: K
Summary: "She always felt nervous when Chandler was in these vulnerable moods – eager to have a real conversation with him, but worried about saying the wrong thing." Monica and Chandler have a late-night talk one night. Set after Ross and Rachel's break up in Season 3. Premondler.
Disclaimer: Could I be any further from owning Friends?
A/N: Just another premondler one shot, delving into Chandler's backstory. The exact nature of his parent's relationship and his upbringing are always ambiguous, so I've tried to fill out the while staying true to the show. Set in Season 3, sometime after Ross and Rachel's break up.
X-X
"I'm bored."
"Scrabble was your idea."
"You agreed to it."
"Only because of the beer. And now it's all gone. So, can we go inside now?"
Monica rolled her eyes and thwacked Chandler on the shoulder. "I don't want my apartment smelling of smoke." She said firmly. "So, either stop smoking or stop complaining."
Chandler groaned, muttering under his breath about 'impossible women' but did she said, clumsily shoving the empty beer bottles scrabble board aside and lying down on the blanket draped across the balcony floor. After a moment's hesitation, Monica followed suit and they stared at the sky together.
She and Chandler were alone tonight: Phoebe and Joey were on dates, Rachel was visiting her parents and Ross was with Ben. Despite the whining and smoking Monica appreciated having time alone with Chandler – it reminded her of a few years ago when she'd had no one but him around. Just after they'd graduated – her from culinary school, him from college – they'd been neighbours with no roommates or many other close friends to speak of. She'd just moved into Apartment 20 and quickly tipped him off about Apartment 19 being free, and with Ross married to Carol and busy with his PhD, she and Chandler had turned to each other support. Despite their messy early history, they'd just clicked in a warm, familiar way and somehow Monica just found herself trusting Chandler – and she knew he felt the same about her.
Of course, after two months or so, Phoebe moved in with her, Kip moved in with Chandler (and later out), then Joey arrived, Ross got divorced, Rachel came bursting into their lives, and their group was formed. And Monica has never been happier than with her little, surrogate family.
But she still treasures these moments alone with Chandler – especially at times like this, with how badly he was taking Ross and Rachel's break up.
Monica settled more comfortably on her back, gazing at the stars. Beside her Chandler, movements sloppy from all the alcohol, puffed on his cigarette, triggering her all-too-constant worry.
"Are you going to give it up?" She asked, trying not to nag.
"Well..." Chandler started. Monica cut off what she knew was an oncoming joke.
"Seriously Chandler? Are you?"
He fell quiet, staring at the burning cigarette balanced between his fingers. "I don't know if I can."
"You've done it before."
"That doesn't mean it gets easier."
Monica watched smoke spiral up from his cigarette and into the crisp night. She glanced back at Chandler. His normally lively eyes were tired, and she noticed tell-tale lines bracketing his forehead, evidence of a quiet pain no one noticed. She always felt nervous when Chandler was in these vulnerable moods – eager to have a real conversation with him, but worried about saying the wrong thing.
"Why do you put yourself through it?" She asked at last. "If it's so hard to stop?"
The corner of his mouth quirked. "Because dealing with a smoking addiction is easier than dealing with real issues."
So, biting, so observant, so…Chandler.
"But why are the 'real issues' so bad?" She pressed. "Yeah, Ross and Rachel broke up, I'm disappointed for them and things are difficult now, but the rest of us are ok. We'll get over it.
Chandler laughed without any humour, and Monica smelled the alcohol in his breath. "Yeah that's what the therapist said when my parents divorced: It's their problem not yours, it's not your fault, just get on with your life." He tossed the cigarette away, scowling. "What a load of crap."
Monica bit her lip, wondering how far she could push him. She was always careful talking about Charles and Nora's Bing's marriage, knowing how defensive Chandler was about the whole story, but in rare moments like this he was more willing to open.
"Your parents split always seemed…worse than others," she said cautiously. "I mean, I know a lot of people whose parents have split up, and none of them started smoking when they were nine. Why was it so bad?"
Chandler closed his eyes and Monica thought, as usual, he wasn't going to reply. Then she realized he was steeling himself up talk about it.
"I don't know Mon," he admitted, "I think my parents made it more painful just through being them. When I say they used the pool boys as pawns I mean it. Everyone was a pawn in their games... including me." He paused and Monica twisted her fingers together to restrain herself from saying anything. "It was like they – they only wanted me around as a prize. I got him – you didn't. If my mom wanted to take me to McDonalds after Club Scouts, then Dad would kidnap me before she arrived and take me to mini-golf. If I was staying with my Dad during his show, my Mom would demand I go on tour with her to Europe. It was never about me you know? Only what I stood for. They'd make choose: who do you love best? Who's the most important? They didn't even realize they were doing it, but whatever I said I'd let someone down so I decided it was easier to pick neither. So, they lost interest and I was left with no one."
"But who looked after you?"
Chandler lit another cigarette and shrugged. "House-keepers, nannies, equally traumatized houseboys. Whoever. Eventually they shipped me off to that all boy's boarding school, to which I totally attribute my inability to talk to women."
Monica chuckled weakly, more for his sake than hers. "I can't imagine you at boarding school." She said honestly, unable to see her sweet, witty, perpetually snarky Chandler fitting with a school of feral boys.
"Just picture hell and a hundred hormonal guys in blazers." Chandler said dryly. "Though I don't know why you'd want to picture that when I've been trying to forget it for the last ten years."
"Was it bad?" Monica asked.
Chandler flicked away some ash. "Let's just say you guys weren't the first people to mistake me for being gay."
"Oh."
"Yeah," he grimaced. "My head became well-acquainted with the insides of toilets in the first term."
"Didn't you complain to your parents?"
"I knew they'd had enough of dealing with me." Chandler said. "And honestly, the feeling was mutual. At least at boarding school no one knew it was my mother's sexual masterpiece they were discussing. And the longer I stayed the more I could get away from all that. It took me a while to figure out that normal kids didn't dance in Vegas drag shows over spring break or hear about their mother's latest marriage on E! Once I learnt the basics, other stuff got easier." He swallowed, looking gut-wrenchingly vulnerable. "They'd always just made me different you know? And all I wanted to be normal."
Monica felt her chest constrict. Her own mom may be horrible, but she'd had security growing up, a place to call home and people to turn to – Chandler had had nothing.
"I don't know how you dealt with that."
"You don't think I developed my stunning sense of humour because of popularity do you?" He quipped, avoiding eye contact.
Monica smiled, her heart tugging at how quickly he spun the painful reality into an easy joke.
"That's your solution isn't it?" She said ruefully, "Humour and cigarettes?"
"Don't forget bed-wetting."
"And you're using that now because you're scared of losing Ross and Rachel or one of us because of their break up. Or getting hurt again."
"Not the bed-wetting," Chandler said lightly, still determinedly staring up at the sky. "but the other bit; sure."
"Honey," Monica rolled over to face him, "You're not going to lose them. This situation is totally different from your family."
"Yeah, neither of them is sleeping with the staff – well, unless Ross has something with Treeger he's never mentioned."
"No," Monica said fiercely, grasping his shoulder. "You know it's more than that. We all love each other; no one wants to escape from each other like you and your parents."
"Sure," Chandler said flatly. "Ok."
"I'm serious," she insisted, "we're a family and we're going to stay together."
"Because my families have such a great track record."
Monica scowled, anger flaring. "Yeah well, your parents sucked."
Chandler grinned for a second, but then winced, pain flitting across his face. "I can't blame everything on my parents. They may have screwed me up, but I caused plenty of problems for them too."
"What? You said yourself the divorce wasn't your fault."
"Well...no." Chandler shifted uncomfortably, looking away again. "But the marriage bit was."
"Huh?"
He rested his head on the ground and shaded his eyes with his hand; Monica noticed his fingers were shaking.
"My mom was pregnant with me when they got married. It was too late to get an abortion, she didn't want to go through having me and then adopting me out. My grandparents definitely didn't want her to become a single mother... So, they got married." His tone became bitter. "And we all know how that went. So, in a way, nine years of marital hell and a very expensive divorce settlement really were my fault."
Monica's stomach lurched, bile rising in her mouth – she knew all about feeling unwanted, and recognised the pain simmering behind his words all too well. She shot up to kneeling position, staring down at him, while he fixed his gaze on the city below.
"Chandler...I've heard your mum talk about you: she wouldn't give you up for anything. They made their choices and you were the victim not them. You can't blame yourself for their mistakes."
"Kind of hard when you were the mistake." Chandler said so bitterly that Monica thought she'd throw up.
"Well then I'm glad they made that mistake then." She snapped, grabbing his hand. "Because without it we wouldn't have you Chandler."
"I'm struggling to see the bad side of that." He sniped. Monica gritted her teeth and nudged him, forcing him to look at her. Eventually Chandler rolled over, raw emotion shimmering in his eyes, the unadulterated hurt and lonelinessmaking her shiver. She swallowed, struggling to find the right words.
"Don't say that." She managed eventually. "Do you know what any of us would do without you? How Joey would survive without your support? Or how lonely Ross would have been in college? Or how you comfort Phoebe and Rachel? Do you know how I'd cope without having you to reassure me and listen to me complaining and make me laugh even in the worst moments? You're one of my best friends and an amazing person Chandler. I just wish you could see that."
There was silence, Monica waited for the next self-deprecating quip – but Chandler surprised her.
"Thanks Mon," he said quietly, and finally squeezed her hand back.
She smiled. "Anytime."
She lay back down, and they remained in silence again, hands still locked together, with only the buzz of the cars and traffic surrounding them. Eventually Chandler fell asleep, knocked out by all the beer and Monica gently pulled away, tiptoeing off to grab another blanket. She draped it over him, hesitating over his sleeping face and then crawled under the blanket next to him, kissing his forehead.
"Goodnight Chandler."
XXX
The next time Nora Bing visited her son, Monica stayed close to Chandler. She sat next to him at dinner and made sure she didn't laugh at Nora's story of his disastrous first date. When Chandler's responses became particularly biting or he curled his hands into fists, Monica steered the conversation to new topics. Chandler didn't say anything but his quiet sighs of relief and gentle brushes on her arm were enough.
Nora Bing didn't say anything either, but at the end of the night she caught Monica coming out of the restroom.
"Honey..." She placed her hand on Monica's arm and Monica stopped to look at her, "Thank you," she said sincerely.
Monica didn't pretend to wonder what she was thanking her for. "You're welcome."
Nora paused, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. "Monica...I know that, despite everything I've said before, I haven't been a good mother for Chandler. Even if I did buy him his first condoms." They both smiled briefly. "I put him through more than any child deserved to be put through, and that's hurt him. But I love my son and I'm glad he's got you."
Monica was surprised at the emotion washing over her. "I don't know what I'd do without him," she said honestly. "He's one of my best friends."
Nora frowned, seemingly wanting to want to say more but a voice interrupted them.
"I hope you're not kissing another Geller Mom," Chandler said appearing around the corner. "How long does it take to pee?"
Nora and Monica exchanged an amused glance, and Nora shook her head, "Oh honey we girls never go to the bathroom just to relieve ourselves. You know what women are like."
"If I only I did," he joked lightly, and Monica rolled her eyes.
"Actually," Nora continued, "I was just telling Monica how glad I am she's here for you. You're lucky to have her."
Chandler looked at Monica and gave his familiar, crinkly smile. "I know I am."
Monica squeezed his hand and smiled, thinking she was the really lucky one.
XXX
A/N: There we go. It's not as polished as I'd like but it's been sitting in my files for ages and I kind of want to get rid of it. All the details about Chandler's past are my own theories but are consistent with the show (boarding school, hints he was bullied, being used as a pawn). The show never stated he was an accident but imo it makes a ton of sense – Charles and Nora never seemed genuinely committed to each other (both sleeping with the best man before the wedding for example), and I could never figure out why they got married in the first place. This seems the most logical explanation and gives another layer to why Chandler's so insecure. As always please review!