Disclaimer: WARNING!!! This story contains anorexic behavior. If you have a problem with this or feel you may be triggered, then please, please, don't read this. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, and also, some slash. Now, onto the writing! Sarah
I wanted to die, right then. I had this idea in my head that dying would be lovely, a simple loosening of the ankle shakles that held me to the ground. I would lift off into the sky, float over the iced white streets, yes, that was death, and I was a princess in a cage, dying of a broken heart. That was death. I did not yet understand that the gasp and wheeze of my heart was death. The wild skittish flitting of my eyes and hands working themselves together, tying to get warm was death...I did not understand. –Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
Chapter One: Cold
Maybe in a different light, maybe in another life, you could love me Robin. Maybe if I wasn't me, if I didn't look the way I did you'd feel the same way. I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold, so cruel, so harsh. But that's the way it has to be.
I never wanted you to see the side of me that I keep trying to hide, I never wanted you to have to hear the things that I do, to see me the way that I see myself. I'm so sorry Robin. Can you ever forgive me?
Raven stood in front of her mirror, the shadows playing off her sickly grey skin. I never meant to be so cold...
She ran her hands down her stomach, thinly veiled by a black leotard. Concealing, secretive, it thankfully hid what was underneath.
She slipped it off, then, standing only in her black bra and underwear, counted her ribs. Her fingers played them like a piano, softly tickling the skin, her senses dull from two years of numbing starvation.
Still not good enough...not even close.
She hoped to never have to see another cup of herbal tea for the rest of her life. That was what she subsisted on now, and what she had been subsisting on for the past four months. But even she knew that she needed some food, no matter how much she may've disliked it. She made a sick face, her mirror casting a hideous reflection back at her.
Her purple hair had long been devoid of shine and luster. And it was starting to fall out.
She bit her lip, not feeling anything. Numbness and hunger were her only friends, the latter wrapping her in its searing embrace, cutting into every nerve, slowly carving it's way into her heart. It's name was never good enough, could not possibly do it justice. It could never live up to the way in burned itself into her thoughts, taking up every spare inch of her brain. It knew nothing of mercy, of pleading, of complaints, of sickness. The worst of it was, Raven had asked for it, had prayed for its wonderful hands to crawl up her body, to work their magic on her.
At least, that's how it started out.
Now, it was slowly digging it's harsh fingers into the inner workings of her body, dissolving her stomach and putting her repoductive organs into a eternal sleep. In the back of her mind she knew this was slowly killing her. But then again, she had told Robin she'd die for him. This just wasn't the way she expected.
She never wanted it to go this far. But here she was, standing once again in front of her mirror, searching for something other than her bones and her pain, other than the numbness and cold that penetrated every inch of her.
"Am I good enough yet?" Raven asked herself, her reflecting grossly distorted. "Is 102 good enough for you Robin?"
His voice echoed in her mind, as it had countless times before. "No," it replied, "you'll never be Starfire, no matter how hard you try."
She couldn't take it.
She shook her head frantically. Dizziness overwhelmed her. The world spun. She let out a small, almost inaudible gasp, as she fell to the floor. She was too weak to even stand anymore, so she just lay there, staring at her ceiling, finding shapes in the shadows, finding the outline of her bones with her fingers.
"She's still in there, isn't she?" Beast Boy asked, and Robin nodded his head solemnly. He swallowed hard, feeling choked by something that wasn't really there. It was as if his thoughts and worries about Raven had manifested themselves into a lump that lodged deep in his throat.
He hadn't meant to be so blunt and cold with her. He had seen the hurt in her eyes when he told her that he loved Starfire. She had tried to mask it, of course, but she had failed for the first time in her life. She had let him have a small piece of her soul, black as it was. She had helt her still beating heart out to him and he had spat on the proffered offering, preferring Starfire over her.
Starfire helped feed his lie, gave form to the voice in his head that told him he was happy, told him he was normal. Raven only made him realize he wasn't. And the voice she gave form to was slowly winning, much as he tried to fight it. Everyday, he put on a fake grin, masked his eyes.
He had always believed in the old saying that eyes are windows to the soul. That's why he kept them hidden, so others wouldn't get hurt by his own weakness.
It was safer that way. If only he could learn to steel his eyes and heart like Raven did...but he couldn't afford to get that close to her, couldn't afford to let her in, even to teach him ways to keep her out.
"Hey Rob, you okay?" Beast Boy asked. Robin blinked hard and looked up, the after-image of Raven still in his mind's eye.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Just tired, I guess."
Starfire rested her head on his shoulder, her red hair falling into her face as she did so.
"Why then are you not sleeping?" she asked groggily, her green eyes fluttering open.
Despite the warmth of Starfire's body pressed against him, Robin couldn't supress a shiver. He faked a yawn to hide it.
"Good idea Star." He stood up. "I'll see you guys in the morning." He gave Star a quick kiss on the cheek. His body stiffened as he realized he no longer felt anything when he kissed her. It was routine now. But she didn't notice, for she had fallen back asleep, and her breathing was the only sound in the room for a moment. Then Cyborg and Beast Boy burst into a chorus of goodnights.
As Robin walked down the hallway towards his room, he saw a sliver of light emerging from Raven's room.
He checked his watch. 1:52 AM. She never stayed up this late, or early, whatever way you may take it.
His brows furrowed with worry. He raised his hand to knock on her door, but then decided against it, knowing Raven preferred her privacy. And she definitely didn't want to see him.
Who could blame her? He had broken her heart, and they both knew it. Sighing, Robing lowered his hand and laid his cheek against the cold metal of the door.
"Good night Raven," he whispered, "and sweet dreams."
"Good night Raven, and sweet dreams." Raven perked up at the sound of her name. More so at the sound of Robin's voice whispering to her.
She tried to get up and go to him, but she was too weak to even speak, let alone stand and walk.
She wanted to run to him and fling her arms around him. She wanted to run her fingers through his dark hair, to murmer into the crook of his neck and tell him she loved him.
But she couldn't, no matter how much she willed herself to.
It is a truly frightening thing, to will your body to move and have it not be able to. In fact, it seemed to be wanting to do the exact opposite. She felt herself grow heavy. It was the same feeling she got right when she entered a trance. It was like her body was asleep but her mind was awake.
Robin, she mentally called, praying to whatever gods existed for him to somehow hear her, help me.
But he didn't. How could he? Raven saw shadows moving under her door, heard footsteps grow fainter, and then, the all encompassing silence.
He couldn't be seen, not now, not by them, at least. He moved swiftly, staying in the shadows. He heard Robin outside Raven's room. He froze. He'd have to make it past him undetected. And he knew well enough that the boy's hearing was more than great. Years of training had taught him that. He wasn't going to take a chance. He pressed himself against the wall, his dark clothing blending in perfectly.
Thankfully, he remained undiscovered. Silently, he moved along the corridor, stopping when he got to the room at the very end. He knocked three times, a ritual set up by the two of them.
The door opened, and he slid in. He chuckled. The changeling was as messy as ever.
"Hey, BB?" He asked. Beast Boy looked up, surprised.
"Oh, I didn't hear you." He replied, smiling. He approached the other boy, wrapping his arms around his neck. "But I'm glad you're here."
The other boy nuzzled his face in the crook of Beast Boy's neck, having to bend down, however, to do so.
"I've missed you." He whispered. Beast Boy gave him a light kiss on the cheek, still blushing at the intimacy, even after three months.
"I've missed you too." There was a silence, surprisingly comfortable, in which the boys stood there, wrapped in eachothers arms.
Finally, Beast Boy broke the silence as he and the other boy took a seat on the edge of Beast Boy's bed. "How are things going? Anything new?" He asked, the other boy shook his head and gave a cocky grin.
"You know, the usual. Fighting crime, saving pretty damsels." He said, ruffling Beast Boy's green hair.
Beast Boy scowled, feeling a tinge of jealousy well up inside of him.
"Hey, no saving damsels. You've got me, remember?"
As the boy leaned in and was about to press his lips against Beast Boy's, he whispered.
"Who said I liked it?"
Author's Note: Ooh, who is this mysterious boy Beast Boy is with? Any guesses? What is up with Raven? Why isn't Robin happy with Starfire? Ah, questions questions. R&R and maybe I'll pose a few hints if y'all are nice. Sarah