As Time Goes

by Augestine

And Rp one shot that takes place of Season 9. When the gates of hell are close and the heaven is mending itself, Dean asks Cas to take away Sam and his memory of being hunters knowing that he cannot deny him, leaving Cas with the burden of every thing they have forgotten and things he does not know how to feel. Written with MasterJessie. Destiel.

The gates of hell were closed. They had done it. Sam looked across the room to him, smiled, and collapsed with a sigh of relief. The rest was a blur. They ended up back at the bunker. Sam fell asleep and had been for the last few days. He went about his normal routine and occasionally he'd see Sam slipping into the bathroom or leaving the kitchen with an oversized sandwich. It felt so normal. When Cas showed up a day later, eyes looking tired, voice hoarse, he just handed him a burger and they sat at the table. He didn't talk about what had happened. He only said he'd been misled. He left it at that. A week later and Sam walked out in clothes and looking happier and more relaxed than he'd seen him since they started hunting together. They checked around worked a few cases, mostly ghosts. It felt normal. Easy. But it felt like something was missing.

The first time Sam said it he barely acknowledged it. A simple laugh and turn on conversation. The next time he didn't miss the phrasing. "We should go and be normal." he had sat looking at his brother until Cas came back into the room and Sam changed the subject. We should go. He wanted to leave their first home in over twenty years. How could they be normal?

He was sitting on the hood of the impala. A sky full of stars all to light the field where he'd settled. He knew it had to be him. He knew Cas wouldn't say no to him. Sam knew. He had given Dean the sorriest look as he stormed out. It had taken an hours drive to realize that maybe Sam had a point. He was silent for an hour or so as he watched the stars. "Cas?" he called. His throat tight. As if his own body was against what he was about to do. It was quiet enough that he could hear the faint flutter of wings as Cas landed. "What are you doing out here?" he could hear the confusion. He didn't like it. He still didn't know what to say. How to ask this of his only friend. Of someone who was so close to being something more. He coughed through the sudden weight in his throat. "I wanted to talk to you." he started lamely. He couldn't help this dread. This was the right thing for Sam. This was what he wanted. But Dean still couldn't say it. He didn't want a normal life where he sat and watched sports, he'd never been interested in, and talked about the same sports he never wanted to talk about. He wanted this. This traveling life where he got to be who he was. And be with who he wanted. "Promise me something." Cas looked down from where he had been watching the stars. His eyes were so bright in the darkness. "What?" he shook his head. "Promise me first. That you'll say yes." Cas looked like he was going to say no, but finally nodded. "promise." his heart dropped. He couldn't do it. He didn't want to. But he had to. Because in the end. He would always choose Sam. "Erase our memories. Make us normal." Cas looked liked he'd been stabbed. He searched Dean's face for any sign of a joke, but all he saw was the truth, and pain. He couldn't help it. He couldn't hide how much this hurt. "Dean..." he shook his head. "You promised." he pushed. Cas' eyes flashed with anger for a second before the sorrow engulfed it. Cas stared and he couldn't look away. He saw the minute nod. If Cas' eyes hadn't dropped he wouldn't have seen it. Cas stepped forward. His fingers raised. He grabbed his wrist just before he touched him. He could t miss his last chance. Truly last chance to stop being a coward. He leaned forward and slotted their lips together. A small gesture that meant so much more. "I'm sorry," he whispered when he pulled away. He could see tears threatening to fall. "Its ok Dean. You'll have nothing to be sorry for in a second."

The sun was too bright. The birds outside were too loud. His head hurt too freaking much. He could hear Sam downstairs making coffee. He could almost smell it. He slid out of bed. Pausing as the world adjusted and his head felt like it belonged again. "Sammy. Make me eggs," he yelled as he changed. "Make them yourself." Sam yelled back, but he could hear the fridge open and knew he was adding eggs to his own. He slipped his boots on and touched the picture of his mom before he headed downstairs. Sam's books were spread out on the table. He closed one and stacked it on another so he could have a place to eat. "What is it this time?" he asked skimming the page. "oh nothing interesting. Small case over some rent money." he shrugged. He doubted it was all that was going on if Sam was doing all this research but he let it be. They ate and Sam read. He zipped up the coveralls and headed out. The shop he ran was only a few miles outside Lawrence. It brought enough people that he kept busy, but never enough to where he needed help. He just worked on the cars sitting in his shop until the day ended then he headed home. He chuckled as he thought that and didn't really know why. The farm came into view over the hill. Small thing, but it worked for them, and they were far enough from the city that they could have quiet. He fiddled with the leaky pipe until he heard Sam's car hit the dirt drive up to the house. He headed upstairs and they went about their normal routine. He cooked, Sam washed up. Then he watched his show until it was time to go to sleep.

He was there again. Waving with a frown. He yelled for him. A name he only ever heard in his dreams. He tried to reach for him, but couldn't move. The world around him was stretching and he was fading into the distance. He screamed out the name again and suddenly he was sitting on a dock fishing. The sun was on his back and he listened to nature as it moved around him. He jerked awake. The sudden change in dream pulling him out of sleep. He rubbed the side of his face where he could still feel a hand touching his skin. He rolled over and fell back to sleep, he didn't dream.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

It was a very dangerous thing to allow himself these small moments of contact. To reach out and slip into the hunters unconscious, if only for the moment of total relief that crossed Dean's face as his hand slipped away. His eyes fluttered but he wouldn't see Cas, he never did. But the angel always saw him and he always felt the emotion that he was no longer allowed to feel dripping through his bones from the lock box that Dean had stabbed open and never been able to close. When he closed his eyes he could see him on the dock fishing for what he would never catch just happy for the act of sitting on the dock and waiting. Almost every time he closed his eyes he found himself there in Dean's thoughts. He knew that it was dangerous to go there but he couldn't help becoming lost. That was why he had to quit. Wings fluttered and he turned to find Nathaniel looking to him with the confused look that most of the angels left in the garrison did when they tried to comprehend what always brought him back here to them men that broke him, "Castiel." he said with no fear of waking the man in bed, "I'm coming." he told him. "I just wanted one last look."

He cast the Winchesters as far out of his as he was willing to let them wonder. He forced himself not to think of them. Not to go to them when Sam broke his arm or when Dean woke up screaming. He stayed focused. He did all of the things that good angels where supposed to do. He worked toward a better heaven and a better earth doing his best to hunt down the demons that were still roaming around and for any sign of where Metatron could be hiding. It was strange being in the garrison again. And stranger still to find that the other angels could put so much trust in him after he had caused so much destruction but he was determined to do things right this time. No attachments. And now that the ones he'd held onto weren't calling out for him on a moments notice he found himself free to watch over them again. All of the people on the earth, his father's gift that he had so neglected for years lay under his wings and for once the angel thought that he might actually help them.

"We found him." Rachel appeared beside him on the park bench in New York where he had been watching the ice skaters carve out eights on the frozen water. Cas didn't move. He got them announcement twenty times a day, not quite sure why all of the young angels felt the need to come and tell him when they should tell the head of the Garrison. But they all told Cas. And all of the leads turned out to be wrong. He was exhausted and tired of being disappointed and even more tired of not being able to express his disappointment to his brothers and sisters. "Where is he this time? Peru? Miami?" Cas asked feeling weary he knew that he wouldn't look to far into it, but the younger angels always thought that everything was urgent. "He's in Kansas. Lawren-" he was gone before his wings had time to fully expand.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He heard the bell chime while he was elbow deep in some sap's engine. He had told him it would be better to just replace the engine, but he wanted the original to stay with the car. It meant more money for him so he couldn't really complain. "Be right out," he yelled. He wiped his hands with a rag as he walked out into the small air conditioned office/reception area. The man standing in the room smiled at him. "I just had to see if the rumors were true." he looked at the squirrely man and something in him wanted to run away, but he just slipped behind the desk. "What rumors?" the man shook his head. "About you being the best mechanic in the Midwest." he scoffed. "No one said that," he dismissed. He pulled up his schedule and added an hour to the mess he'd just finished with. "You'd be surprised what people say about you." something about the man was striking wrong with him. "I don't mean to be rude, but do you have a car for me to look at?" the man smiled widely and nodded before heading outside. He followed tossing the rag in the bin next to his desk. "oh man... Where did you find this cherry?" he could feel himself fangirling over the 1973 (de Tomasco) pantera. "73 right?" he asked as he looked over the car. He got a nod. He popped the hood and leaned in. "She looks perfect. What kind of issue are you having?" he looked up and the man was gone. He looked around, maybe he'd gone around the car, but there was no one around. He shut the hood. "What the hell?" he looked back to the car. Had he just been given a car?

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Metatron was standing too close to Dean, his hand extended to him, fingers almost grazing his strong shoulders when Cas caught his arm and popped them out of his new reality. They were in an alley way in Cleveland, Cas' angel blade to the man's throat, but Metatron wasn't fighting him. "I knew that if I went to the Winchesters I'd find you." He said smugly causing an uneasy feeling to course it's way through his body. Sam and Dean weren't the target. How could they be. How had he let his worry get the better of his judgment. "What were you trying to accomplish by bringing Dean that car?" he demanded, "What do you want?" That was when he wished that he could turn off his emotions, if only to stop the terrible crawling feeling that ripped at his skin when the man smiled so genuinely he wanted it to stop. "I want what I've always wanted Castiel." he told him, his voice so reassuring that for a moment he almost let him go. Almost. "What is that?" he asked gripping tight at his blade. "I want to go home." Sadness gripped at the angel when he heard that. Yes, a life without heaven was one that most angels would die rather than see, but Heaven had not felt like home to him for a long time. Ever since he met Sam and Dean he had been compelled by them, always finding some way to return only ever flocking freely to heaven when he felt his family was in turmoil. A life without Heaven was one that he sometimes dreamed of. Or that he wished that he could dream of when he sat still for too long. A life where h could be one of the new and ordinary things in Dean's life that maybe he wouldn't want to forget about. "We could do it Castiel. You and I could take back heaven. We could heal it." Cas pulled himself out of his thoughts and pressed the blade more firmly into his skin. "You fed me these lies once before." he growled and the angel held up his hands in surrender. "And that was wrong of me. I can see that now. I can see in your eyes that you understand what it is like to loose your home." Cas let him go then, he didn't really know if it was because he was succeeding in being convinced or if he was too busy holding himself together to keep him pinned down. Metatron placed his hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Think about it." he told him and with a ruffle of feathers he was gone. Cas fell back to the shop just outside of Lawrence and allowed himself the small pleasure of watching Dean look over the new car. Metatron was gone. And despite his desire to do what he knew was the right thing, he had been the one to let him go. His eyes drank in all that he could let himself hold and then he was gone again, back across the world where the only thing that could tempt him were his thoughts, growing increasingly darker by the hour.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He moved the pantera into the garage. He still didn't know what was going on, but he couldn't leave that beauty outside. He decided to check it out in case it did need work. He was leaning over the engine when he thought he heard something. He looked around but the garage was still empty. He shut the hood and hummed behind blue eyes. He had no idea why it popped in his head. Suddenly the room felt empty. He went back to the working on the pos engine and put the weird day behind him. He kept the song in his head until he passed out.

He was sitting on the lake again. Warm sunny air blowing past. He dropped a piece of bread into the water for the little duck floating around. He smiled as he watched it gobble up the soggy mush. He tossed another further away and as soon as it hit the water black spread out. It flew out in tendrils of viscous ooze. He could see a hand descend under the water. He watched it sink unable to do anything.

His alarm went off and he woke up with a jolt. The world was blurry. He rubbed his eyes and his fingers came away wet. He rubbed his eyes under the tears were gone. He rubbed his head. The ache slowly went away. He took a few Tylenol before heading downstairs. Sam was spread out on the couch watching Saturday morning cartoons. He shoved his foot off the armrest as he passed. "Hey," Sam complained like always as he returned his feet to their rightful space. "Hey Sam you took a psych class right?" Sam laughed. "Yeah why?" he sat down with a bowl of oatmeal. "What do recurring dreams mean?" he saw the look Sam shot him but ignored it in favor of Batman. "its been a while but it is usually stress." he grunted. "or trauma." he saw the look Sam was giving him. "It just started, Sam. Well in the past few weeks." Sam was quiet for a few minutes. "I think it means your ignoring something in your life." he rolled his eyes. "I don't think there is some hidden stress. My life is exactly the way that I want it." Sam leaned back and looked up at him. "Ok. You know you can get rid of recurring dreams. You should look it up." They went back to watching their cartoons.

While Sam was mowing the lawn he looked up lucid dreaming, because there was no way he was going to therapy over a few dreams about... He didn't even know.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Cas watched Dean that night. He stood near wide window wondering why he never bothered to lock it before reminding himself that Dean wasn't really his Dean anymore. But it was still his body. And when he was sleeping, at least he could pretend that he was the same. "I need you to talk me out of this." He grumbled softly but Dean didn't stir. Sometimes when Cas spoke to him he would turn toward him unconsciously. He liked to think that it was because deep down he wanted to hear him, but he knew better than to give himself even that small bit of hope. "I know you cant." He told Dean, "but I think that, if you were still here with me, that you would tell me that I am being foolish." He watched Dean a moment as he slept, deeply inhaling his words to clean the air around him. He didn't move but if he watched him long enough he was sure that he would tell him that he must have too much space in his head without them to fill it up with all their problems if he was seriously thinking about helping Metatron. Again. After everything. "I know." He sighed walking over to his bedside. "But I don't have many friends left. There are angels everywhere and the ones that aren't after me are after you and-" he paused ans tilted his head to get a better look at him. It was frustrating and satisfying. He was so glad that he had finally gotten out of that life but so mad that he had left him here confused. "I miss you." He told him finally but he said it too loud. Deans eyes flew open but he was gone.

He kept his distance for a few days. Never jumping to the Winchesters but he still had them on watch when he closed his eyes. He shut them far too often. He often found himself somewhere he wasn't when they had closed but that didnt stop him from blinking. Every time he got a chance he blinked in and out of Dean's reality, his dreams, taking in each moment like fresh air. "Castiel." The angel fell back to his piece of heaven where Ezeikiel was waiting for him. He pursed his lips, "Why must you do this to yourself?" He asked but Cas turned out of heaven and ended up looking out at the lake that Dean often dreamed of thought standing before it now it was frozen over and barren. Ezeikiel followed him. "You cannot keep running from this." He told him. "You don't know what you are speaking about." Cas told him but the angel was in front if him then, grabbing his shoulder before he could look away. "You have to stop going to Dean Winchester." He gripped his shoulder tight when Cas looked away pulling his focus back to him, "he cannot hear you Castiel." He urged him. "When you have troubles you should speak to someone who can listen. Speak to me. Pray. Just stop torturing yourself." Cas yanked himself out of his reach and stepped away. He knew he was right. But he mad the mistake of blinking one last time. Dean was smiling. Humming as he rummaged through their pantry. Van Halen. But it was Ezeikiel who was there looking sadly at him when he opened his eyes. "I can't."

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

His head ache didn't go away even with the pills. He finally managed to fall asleep and not dream. It was the first time that had happened since... The dreams had started. He woke up with the head ache throbbing low in his head. He took a few more pills and headed down. Sam was working on something in the kitchen. They settled into their routine. He watched tv, ate lunch, tinkered with the impala, made dinner and passed out hoping that the headache would go away.

The wind was whipping around him. Pulling him in. He couldn't go. He couldn't leave yet. He reached out and grabbed on to the dirty trench coat sleeve. A gravely voice called out his name. The wind picked up and his grip was suddenly empty. He sat up gasping, "Cas!" he fell back to the bed and closed his eyes. The dream was so vivid. He could practically feel the bits of leaves in his hair. The grime under his fingers. What he'd read the other day flashed before his eyes. He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled the dream down. He underlined the name. It felt important. He sighed and rubbed his face. "Who are you?" he mumbled to himself. And to the ghost that haunted his dreams. Sam was gone when he finally managed to get down stairs. He took another round of pills and headed out. He worked and listened to the radio. He heard the bell ding in the office. He hadn't heard anyone drive in. He tossed the rag he had hanging on the side of the car back down and walked in. There was a guy just standing there staring at his price wall. "Can I help you?" he asked. The man turned. "You remember." he shut the door behind him and the radio was muffled. "Remember what?" the man took a few steps forward and he just notice how tall he was. Taller than him, maybe even as tall as Sam. "He hasn't noticed. Why hasn't he noticed?" he took a step back. He hadn't even noticed the lack of space between them until the man touched his forehead. "Ummm. Are you going to start making sense any time soon?" he saw the man tilt his head slightly. "I am sorry friend. I have misunderstood." he could have sworn he saw his eyes glow as his hand neared him again. "Ezekiel. What are you doing?" a familiar voice asked. Fingers met his skin. the world faded and twisted as he fell. "He is fighting." who is fighting, he thought before the world went black.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He set Dean gently into the only chair in his office that wasn't a rusty old bar stool or a rickety wooden one missing inches or a leg. He took that moment to look around the small work shop, noticing that there were more than just cars in it. There were also old chests, cabinets, children's bicycles, mopeds. It was an island of broken and misfit belongings waiting for careful hands to turn them into valued artifacts of the future and not for the first time since he had taken Dean's memories from him, he felt his chest both swell and sting with pride and longing but it didn't block out his anger. "You had no right to come here." he turned on Ezekiel with as deep a glare as he could manage which he didn't feel was good enough. "I do not need a right to pop in on the Winchesters, Castiel." Ezekiel told him, his eyes just green enough to hurt him with the sadness they created in his honor. "All angels were made to look over gods creation and as much as you want them to be, the Sam and Dean are not your burden alone." He looked away from the angel, focusing on Dean instead, his face still frozen in slight confusion though he was much more peaceful. "I.." he took a breath, "I appreciate what you are trying to do here. I'm sure the boys would as well it-" "I am not here for the humans. Castiel I am here as your friend." They got him to look up again, fists clenching nervously, "Being around them isn't good for you." Cas shook his head but the angel before him grabbed his shoulder making him listen. It was a human gesture. One made for his benefit but one that he had trouble dealing with coming from something so celestial. "Let me be your friend. They boy is remembering. Maybe it's you, maybe it's something else. But the web you weaved is coming apart and it will only hurt you when he starts asking questions. You need to leave them be." But Cas wasn't listening to him. Dean was starting to wake up. He was twitching, trying to get back to consciousness, to him before he flew away. He did this every time he heard Cas. He could feel him even if he didn't know him he thought that he had to. It made leaving him harder every time. "We should go now." He told him but he practically had to pull him away.

He asked Ezekiel to go with him. They were standing in Dean's room, he opened the window to let out the humid air. Dean was shaking in his sleep. He wanted to go to him, to lay a hand on his forehead and take it away, but he couldn't keep chipping away at his memories. He had to end this. End it for real this time. He closed his eyes and he was there, back in purgatory watch Dean watch him let him go. He had been so fixated on loosing him this time that he forgot about the time he spent alone in the monster afterlife. It had been easier in purgatory. He didn't have time to think about what he'd lost he just ran and fought and killed and repented. In this new reality all he could do was think. He hated it. He had to stop this dream before it ended and Dean woke up. He had to talk to him. "Dean." he was standing in the rip next to him, something the his dream self obviously wasn't expecting seeing how high he jumped and blinked at him. "Cas?" he sounded the same, if just a bit confused. The vortex was loud. "we shouldn't talk here." he placed his fingers to Dean's head and they where at the lake he liked to fish at and Dean was staring at him, those green eyes looking at him in a way that almost seemed lonelier than he was. "How did you..." he looked around expecting the purgatory landscape so Cas took the easy way out. "You're dreaming." he said simply and luckily Dean took it. He watched the hunter walk around for a little bit until Dean turned on him, "I don't understand." he admitted. "Do you know who I am?" Cas asked and Dean blinked at him. "Of course I do, you're Cas. You-" he stopped there unable to think of anything else. Cas nodded and looked at Dean grimly, "I'm dead." he lied hating the shocked and horrified look that crossed Dean's face. "dead," the hunter breathed. "You should stop dreaming about me." he told Dean, "It's not healthy for you." he told him but Dean being the most stubborn person in the world shook his head. "No, why should I?" he demanded. "because I want you to." Cas told him. "It would give me...peace of mind." he offered a up a half smile but it felt wrong so he dropped it. "Just..." he couldn't stop himself. He was too close. He reached out and pulled Dean to him, their mouths only colliding for the smallest of moments before he pushed off again. "Goodbye Dean." his conscious vessel left with him and when he opened his eyes, he and Ezekiel were standing in the old car graveyard that stood where Bobbies house had burned down. Why had he come here... "You'll watch over them?" he asked the angel and Ezekiel nodded solemnly, "Thank you." he whispered and then he was gone again.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

"Do you believe in past lives?" he asked from under the Camaro. A wrench clattered into an engine. "What?" Ezekiel asked. A few months ago Sam had talked him into hiring help after he'd started screaming in his sleep and Sam hadn't been able to wake him. It was a compromise. Therapy or help. Sam was still convinced he was stressed even though there wasn't anything to be stressed about. "Past lives?" there wasn't a reply. "Zeke?" he had put his hands down to roll out from under the car when he replied. "Why do you ask?" he shrugged and went back to the car. "its crazy, but I have these dreams. They feel like memories." he heard a laugh. "Are you high?" he laughed back. "No. Not for..." he couldn't remember. "a long time." they were quiet for a few moments. "they are just dreams." he nodded. "I wish they weren't," he mumbled. "What did you say?" Zeke asked. "nothing." he called. There were times in his dreams that he felt happier than he could remember. Laughing while walking down an alley. Answering question after question about Dr sexy. "He is a doctor Dean. Why does he require cowboy boots?" watching as a pie was slowly eaten. A content smile and warm blue eyes watching him.

"Dean!" he jerked up and banged his head on the undercarriage. He pushed himself out from under the car and met Zekes amused face. "I'd been calling you for a few minutes." he forced a smile. "lost in my head. What did you want?" he saw Ezekiel nod toward the office. There was a girl with long brown hair looking at the price chart. He headed in. "She'll be ready in a few." He knew Ezekiel was almost done. She nodded and sat down. Sam was convinced she liked him, but he wasn't so sure. "How much is the damage?" she asked. He slipped around the desk. He told her the price and her blue eyes widened. "Why so much?" he explained and she scrunched her nose before pulling out her wallet. The expression reminded him of a dream. "Thanks Zeke," she smiled and took the keys. He hadn't noticed him come in. She paid and headed out. "That's not a signature," Ezekiel commented pointing to the receipt. It was her number. Maybe Sam was right. He added the receipt to the stack. "Don't tell Sam about that," he added before heading back out into the shop.

He reread his journal before turning off the light. It was going to work tonight. He drifted to sleep. The lake spread out in front of him. He grinned. Off to a good start. The boat he had rowed out a few times before was already in the middle of the lake. He sighed and sat on the edge of the dock. "What are you doing?" he turned to see an angry face looking down at him. "I'm going to take it back." he saw an expression of fear cross the face. "What?" he nodded "Its sitting out there waiting. I know it. I'm going to get it back. Get you back." he stared out across the lake. The boat floating unhindered. "You can't do that." he looked back up. "try me." he dove out into the water.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Ezekiel kept telling him that he had been doing very well. He managed not to go see Dean, peek in his dreams, ask about him or think all that much about him for a little over two months. But the ache was still there. "I think there is something broken in you." Ezekiel told him once after he looked into his consciousness to see why he was acting so different. "Maybe it's time for you to get a new vessel." But Cas just shook his head. There was nothing wrong with Jimmy, he had been a very good vessel for Cas and there was a small part of him that felt that it would be very wrong to leave him. After everything that Jimmy had given up to help him. His life may be over, but his use would be eternal.

He spent most of his time hunting down the few demons that had been left walking among the humans. He had so much to atone for, it was the least that he could do to pick up the slack that he had created when he put the Winchesters out of commission. Maybe it was that, just that one small thought that took him there in the middle of a fight. But it felt like so much more than that. He was on a boat in the middle of a lake. It was Dean's lake but it wasn't the real one. He blinked once and then again but he didn't go back to where his vessel should be, he was actually here. the boat dipped to the side and Dean was there, breathing heavily as he pulled himself up, Cas rushing over to help him into the boat nearly falling in himself. Dean steadied them. He always had been the steady one. The one reliable thing in his life, the only person who's answers and thoughts that he could be sure of until now. "What did you do?" he asked not really sure if he should be angry or relieved or even worried about being there. Surely he wasn't summoned there. Dean couldn't have done anything to make him come back, so why was he there? Dean looked him over. he looked so relieved like he was afraid he wouldn't be there. "You're bleeding." he told him with a frown and Cas fallowed his gaze to his arm. He touched it and the cut was gone. "Why am I here?" he asked mostly himself. His vessel was in the dream with him. What was this?

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

"Why isn't he waking up?" Sam shook Dean, but he got no response. Ezekiel stared at the human and tried calling for Castiel again. Even if he knew it was a bad idea, this was not normal. Something was blocking him from the Winchester. And the symbol drawn across page after page of the journal next to the bed looked familiar, but he couldn't place it.

"Because it isn't right. I don't know why, but its not." he met the blue eyes and felt like he could breathe again. Like he wasn't being smothered with a life he didn't want. "You analyze cartoons. You watch me sleep. You cock your head like a dog when you don't understand what I say." The eyes were watching him. "I have memories of you. But I don't know why. They are like snapshots. I can't even remember your name. But I know that I want those snapshots. And I want all that came between them." the boat rocked. The sky was darkening. He felt a chill race up his spine. "Dean. What did you do?" he shook his head. He couldn't remember. he read something. A new way to lucid dream. He was dreaming. But he wasn't doing this. "Dean." he turned from where he was staring at the growing cloud. "Wake up." he blinked hard. Normally it woke him up. But when he opened his eyes he just had blue eyes growing more worried. "Dean. Think of something else." he thought of the first thing that popped into his head and they were standing at the side of a river. The world in a haze of grey. He could remember a hug and the end of an all consuming search.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Purgatory. Dean had moved them away from the storm and straight into a world of monsters. If Cas knew how to properly curse he would have. Only Dean would willingly take them to Purgatory. "Take us somewhere else." Cas barely breathed before the first monster attacked. Leviathan. Of course. What else was Deans brain going to vomit at them. He jumped in front of Dean pulling out his angel blade and cutting its head in half with a hard slice. "Come with me," he held out his hand and pulled him along. He remembered this river. This was where Dean had found him. He was just thinking about how to get Dean out of there when the trees disappeared and they were in a barn covered in symbols to block out the damned. They were standing in front of themselves. He gripped his Deans hand as the other asked, "Who are you." And his gruff reply, "I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. " the past gave his and odd look and then Dean at his side mutter thanks. Just as the other did. And then they were alone. The barn was shaking, the storm caught up with them. "Think of somewhere else." He told Dean but he was looking past him lost to his own jumbled thoughts. "Dean" he begged him but he was still jumbled. The wind blew harder, Cas took a chance and took Deans face pressing it to his own. The wind stopped. He drew back. They were at Bobby's.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He watched as a pair of women smiled across the table as the man standing next to him did shot after shot. He heard words, "I think I'm beginning to feel something." he smiled and he had no idea why. They couldn't stay there. He grabbed his hand and they were standing in a field. The impala was sitting under a starless sky. "No," he gasped and thought of somewhere else. He had been here before and it had been the most painful any memory had been. He'd woken up yo Sam looking at him terrified and had earned Zeke. "Dean, what was that a memory of?" he glance over. "Nothing." He looked around. They were in a warehouse. The memory played and his heart throbbed as he watched the kiss. They moved quickly to another one he didn't even have to think about it. "I'm Jimmy." he could feel how wrong that name was. He watched the subtle change in his doubles face. "I never knew." he heard the deep voice next to him whisper. The scene changed. "This is going to be so much fun." he felt the grip around his hand tighten. They were standing on the edge of a reservoir. A jacket floating on the edge. His voice echoed something but they were already being pulled away. He wasn't sure if either of them were in control any longer. He was staring down a few stares at the blue eyes that didn't know him. He felt his heart shatter. He looked over and the man met his gaze. He had felt it to. The pain of being forgotten. Something clicked and he could hear Zeke. "They aren't going to be able to do anything. He's still dreaming you can see... Dean?" he looked around the room but there was no one but Zeke and Sam. He was so sure it was going to to work. He had felt so real. He had been real. He wouldn't let his waking mind convince him otherwise.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He met Ezekiel outside the shop. It was very dark so dark that he could barely see bit he was so wrecked from the day he spent in Deans brain to look hard enough to see what he was thinking. "What happened?" He demanded and the angel sighed, "Dean was trying to lucid dream his way back to you. He found a sigel on the Internet that said it would help him remain half contentious. Unfortunately the sijel was planted to trap you." Cas seethed. "Metatron..." Ezekiel nodded. Now that his eyes were adjusting to the dark he could see the concern and deep concentration setting grooves in his forehead. "I fear that it is becoming too dangerous for you to stay so far away from the Winchesters." He admitted managing to surprise Cas. "What are you saying?" Cas asked. A hard glint formed in Ezekiel's eyes, "I'm saying that if you stay unpresent in Deans life, I cannot continue to protect them on my own."

Supermarkets were strange. Even though he want actually looking for anything he found that it was impossible to actually find what you needed. He felt naked walking around without his suit on but Ezekiel insisted the most people dressed more casually. He traded his suit for jeans and a white shirt but he was glad that it was cool enough to keep the trench coat on, for some odd reason he found himself oddly attached to it. Ezekiel was convinced that if Cas could pull off casual conversation with Dean with no recognition in his eyes that Dean could write off his dreams as some strange other worldly vision that happened once in a life time. That or he would go insane. Either would be better than Metatron getting to him. He just got the call that Dean was in the building and very suddenly he found that he didn't want to be there at all. What was the purpose of this? What go would this do any of them? Dean had seen him. He recognized him. This was ridiculous, this was- "hey!" He jumped, knocking over and entire shelf of books that he didn't realize he was walking next to when he turned and found green eyes staring into him, tearing him to pieces. He worked very hard to pull his face together in a perfect placid mask. "Salutations." He told Dean when he rounded his way over to him completely ignoring the dog food pouring out of the ripped bags behind him. Dean stared at him for a moment. Obviously he was doing something wrong. He just kept his face straight telling himself to blink. He had to blink more. He blinked several times and Dean shook his head, "yeah, hi." He clarified, "look do I know you?"" He asked and Cas had to bite back every part of him that was screaming yes. "No," he managed feeling proud of himself. A half smile peaked at his lips. This wouldn't be so hard. "Not at all." He said flat out grinning at him. At first Dean looked at him like he was crazy then his face just looked kind of disappointed. Cas wasn't smiling anymore."have I offended you?" He asked but Dean shook his head, "No, sorry I was just hoping. .." he trailed off. "You can know me if you want to." He told him wanting to make him stop looking so lost like that. This was more difficult that he thought. It was terrible. But it worked. Dean breathed out a short laugh, "Yeah?" He asked and they fell into step naturally next to each other as they left the isle. It took him.a second to think about how that could be bad and made himself stumble slightly after him. Dean waited. He was a good man like that. "If im going to know you, what do I call you?" He asked. Cas thought about it for a moment. Dean was starting to remember him. He couldn't use any of his names that he already knew that he was aware of. He remembered the moment in the lucid nightmare, there Dean was staring down at him unrecognized from the porch. "Emanuel." He told him. Dean grinned at that, probably having no reason why, but it broke the further into the open lock box in Cas' chest causing his mask to crack for just a second."I'm Dean." He told him, the world becoming right once more when their hands connected meeting, again, for the first time.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He couldn't help but stare as walled around the store. It was strange, but he felt like he knew him. But even more so he felt like Emmanuel knew him. He couldn't help but notice the recognition that had blinked in his eyes. He watched him bump into another stand. "Are you sure we haven't met?" "Yes Dean." he could hear an echo of that voice in his head but couldn't place it. As he neared the produce and the check out lanes he scribbled his number on a scrap piece of paper and handed it over. "Call me sometime." he blinked and couldn't believe he'd just done that. But there was something about him. Something that he just couldn't deny.

His phone was ringing he could hear it from where he was across the garage. He was halfway in an old oven trying to figure out why it wasn't heating evenly. "I'm answering your phone!" Ezekiel called. The ringing stopped and he was out of the oven. "No." it was too late. He stared as Zeke talked on the phone. "Its for you." Zeke said with a strange look on his face. He took it and stepped back out into the garage. "Hello?" he heard the deep voice rumble over the phone and relaxed. It was strange how right it felt. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so at ease with someone. "Hey, what's up?" it had been a few days since he'd heard from him. "I have been researching a new theory." he heard Zeke go out the back and leaned against the Caprice they were restoring. "How is that going?" he asked, even though Emmanuel wouldn't tell him anything about what he was researching. "Not well. I have yet to find what I'm looking for." he nodded. "Take a break. Watch a movie. I hear there are some good ones out." he muttered with a wave of his hand. "Hello Dean." he turned and held up a hand. "One second," he said to the phone. "Hey. Aren't you the guy that left the pantera?" he got a nod. "Hey, I have to go. I just got a customer." he pulled the phone away and could faintly hear, "no Dean!" through the phone.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Cas blinked and he was next to Ezekiel who was standing against some car that he knew nothing about as if nothing was wrong. He could see the office from where they stood, he could see Metatron. Dean turned his head and Cas ducked behind the vehicle hissing fir Ezekiel's attention. The angel pulled out if the car and looked at him confused before sewing Metatron and tensing. "Stop him," Cas told him the angel ruffled his brow. "How?" He asked so Blankly that a bubble of rage surged through the angels chest. "You can't let him talk to Dean." was all Cas could say, "We don't know what he is trying to do yet." Ezekiel ruffled his brow. "But won't he suspect-" "it dose not matter." he told him and gave him a shove in the direction of the office. The angel stumbled and hit the glass with a thump and Cas fell completely flat to the floor hoping that he had gone unnoticed. Ezekiel gave him a look that said he would stab him later, Dean's voice sounded from the office, the doorknob turned, Cas blinked and he was back in the small apartment that he was renting out for no apparent reason other than to have some place near by the pop to.

He made himself made himself at least act human enough not to instantly appear outside of the shop. He counted the minuets and all of the seconds and all of the foot steps that paced around the small room until it was seven and he couldn't take it anymore. He blinked and wound up outside of the shop. He hadn't meant to, he just did. Ezekiel had left, Metatron seemed to be gone and that washed a little relief through his system but not nearly enough. He was jittery. He felt as anxious as he had when his vessel was trying to hold in all of the Leviathan. He could see Dean through the window but it wasn't enough anymore. He needed to speak to him. To feel him close by. He took an involuntary step into the shop. Dean looked up from where he was packing his tools up and smiled at him. It was a surprised look but a pleased one, his eyes more than his thoughts telling him that he'd had a good day and he couldn't think of a better way to end it. It warmed him to see that but he knew that it shouldn't. "Hey," Dean told him shutting the hood of the car. It was a nice vehicle but he couldn't take his eyes off of Dean who picked up the bottom of his shirt to wipe off his face. His eyes may have wondered. Dean smirked at him, see something you like? his mind chimed before he actually spoke. "What brings you to this part of town?" he asked. Cas made himself speak. "I couldn't think." he told Dean truthfully. "Come see a movie with me."

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He called Sam to let him know he was going to stay ay work for a while and get caught up on a few projects. Sam hadn't really been listening. He'd heard the game playing in the background and only the fact that he wasn't alone had him letting the mocking go. He drove without even thinking about it. Emmanuel talked most of the way. He listened and was completely enamored by the sound of his voice. Emmanuel was leaning over the top of the car when they got out. He laughed and lightning flashed behind him. And he swore he could see wings. He blinked and Emmanuel was still laughing. He ordered the tickets and walked over to where his trenchcoated friend was ordering. He added twizzlers. They sat down and their hands bumped. He resisted his instinct to pull away and let the warmth spread across his hand. He didn't take in the movie. He thought too much. Emmanuel wouldn't let them leave until all of the credits had rolled. He draped his arm over him as they walked out. It just felt natural. They were stopped at a red light. Emmanuel was retelling the movie they had just watched like he wasn't there. He laughed at something and pat Dean's shoulder while he doubled over. He moved without thinking. The kiss felt so familiar and there was only one word in his head. 'Cas.' there was a honk from the car behind him and he pulled away and tore through the intersection. He licked his lips and glanced over to his passenger. Had he done the wrong thing?

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He was quiet for the rest of the ride. His heart hammering hard in his chest when he thought about how Dean had kissed him again. How he had felt that need still without all the memories and he knew that buried in his broken chest he loved him for it. When Dean pulled over at the side if his building Cas pulled him back to him. He needed to feel him to taste him. To know that despite everything he still wanted him and just him in whatever shape he was. Cas groaned and pulled away from him opening the door. "I have to go." He told him hardly able to make himself leave. So when Dean grabbed his arm and said, "Wait." He almost lost him composure. He fucked his head back into the car, he was soaked but Dean didnt care. He pulled him back and kissed him again, groaning into his mouth, "come see me tomorrow. " he told home kissing him before he protested. "Okay?" He breathed just barely and rheu finally said goodbye and he was left watching him ride away in the rain. What had he just done?

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He drove home completely blissed out. He floated past Sam and into the shower. He managed not to think about Emmanuel the entire time, but he did finally give in. He headed to bed he had an early morning of actually getting caught up on work.

The sky was dark, there were no stars, even though the field where he was sitting on the impala was far away from any city that would steal the stars' lights. He felt warm lips on his. And blue eyes looking at him. A worried expression on his face. "I'm sorry Dean." he blinked at the figure. He knew him. Knew that voice knew the feeling of him closer. "Cas?" then the memories came flooding back. They pounded against the false memories until they shattered and all that was left was the truth. The pain and sorrow sitting too close the surface. He huddled against himself as a cacophony of "Cas" ran through his memories. He finally saw the man standing a few feet away with a smirk. He knew. He moved to speak his name but the man held up a finger. He screamed. "Castiel!" his throat raw as he shouted. He was dreaming. He'd felt enough angel induced dreams to know this, but he couldn't wake up. "Cas," he whimpered as the pain spiked. Metatron walked closer to where he was curled around himself on the hood of the impala. "I don't think you'll be waking any longer. Sleeping beauty can be woken, but at a high price." he saw him smirk before he was gone, but the dream remained. He felt a burn fire on his palm and when he looked at it there was a symbol. He knew it, but couldn't figure out where it was from.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He ignored him at first. "He's dreaming," Ezeikiel told him. "He has no idea why he needs you, just that he misses you." He tried to hold onto that. He really did. But as soon as Dean shouted Castiel he was there. Ezeikiel fallowed him. "Dean." Cas shook him. "Dean I'm here." He told him but he didn't move. He took the mans hand and gave it a squeeze feeling an impression on his palm. He turned it over and saw the insignia, barely able to hold in his cry of fury. He looked at Ezekiel who was watching him with a wary look. Metatron had been here. He had trapped Dean in his thoughts. He broke down all the walls he'd weaved so carefully. He was calling Cas out. "Stay with him." He told the angel and he nodded then Cas was gone again.

"You took too long." Metatron was waiting for him in the metropolitan library, a collection of Shakespeare on his lap. Cas was in no mood for talking. He grabbed the man by his collar and shoved him into the shelf behind him, "You went too far." He growled and Metatron shoved helplessly at him, "You took too long!" He said again. People were staring at them but he didn't care. "Take it back." Cas hissed, "take him out if that dream and leave." "Only if you help me!" He told him. "What do you want?" Cas asked him, "You keep asking for my help but you wont tell me what you want!" "Your grace Castiel! Give me your grace and Dean is yours."

They were back in Deans room. It was empty now except for the man, too still in his bed. "Ill give him to you first." Metatron had promised him but still his chest felt tight when he watched the man lean over him muttering an in enocian that he could not quite waited his entire body tense but the color returned to Deans face and he knew it was done. Metatron examined him, he hated that he was ruining what he'd wanted to be his own private relief. He held up his blade. "Your grace, Castiel. " he muttered and the angel tilted his head back to give him access. He felt the slice, the light leave his body. There was a soft brush of skin over his flesh and the wound was closed, his grace bottled. "Thank you Castiel." He told him with a smile that made his skin crawl. "You've done the right-" there was a gargled cry of surprise and light poured out of his mouth and eyes, Cas looked away as his light left him and Ezekiel pulled his blade from his chest.

He caught the bottle the held Cas' grace and handed it to him. "Thank you." He told him. "Cas?" They both looked over to the bed where Dean was now fully awake and staring at him as though he'd been starved of his sight for years. He looked at his sadly and closed his eyes. Fingers pressed into his forehead and when he opened them again he was alone in the small place he'd gotten for his ruse with the small bottle in his hand that felt heavier than anything ever had.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Zeke stood in his room looking pained. He had both of his lives memories. The ones he'd created recently felt strange, like he'd had a book read to him. He could remember it, but couldn't remember turning the pages. "What did you do with Cas?" he had trusted the man as a mechanic, but this angel he wasn't sure he could trust. "He's safe. We need him. He's forgotten all about the cause because of you. I'm sorry, but I must sever this bond." he stumbled out of his bed to avoid the fingers coming at him. "I didn't want this. I never wanted to forget him. Please don't." he saw Zeke hesitate. He needed to say something. Something to make Ezekiel realize how wrong he was to think them separated from each other would be better than them together. He was better with Cas around. "Metatron is gone." he said with surprise. "What do you need Cas for?" Ezekiel looked lost for a second. "We need..." his phone started ringing. He answered it and kept his gaze on Zeke. "Cas?" he heard cas let out a sigh. "Dean." he smiled at the relief in Cas' voice. "Where are you?"

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He was still staring at the glowing vial. "I'm at my apartment." He told Dean. It was so good ti hear him say his name again, to know that he knew him. He closed his eyes. "Are you alright?" He asked. "I'm fine..." Dean told him but his voice was gruff and it didn't sound like he was fine at all. "I'm coming over." Dean told him and hung up the phone before he could say anything else. His phone hung up for him and he was grateful he didn't think he could find the button if he wanted to. He dropped his phone and put his grace on the dresser. He couldn't hold it anymore. He could decide what he wanted to do with it. It shouldn't have been so hard. He should take it back, the angels needed him too, he messed up heaven once but he had also come close to helping it and now that there was no clear leader they needed . but he needed Dean. There was no knock, his door opened and his Dean was standing in front of him, knowing him. It was like taking a breath after holding it for years. "Hi," he told him lamely.

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He rushed forward pulling him into a hug. It had been too long. He held on tighter than he ever had before. He had almost lost Cas. He'd almost let him go. "I'm sorry. I never should have-" Cas cut him off with a soft kiss. It was cautious like he wasn't sure it was welcome now that he had his memories back. He leaned into it and hoped it was enough of an apology. Cas pulled back taking a deep breath of air. He stared at him for a second. "Why did you just act like you needed that?"

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

He opened his mouth in question but shut it when he understood what Dean was asking him. His eyes flickers back to the dresser and Dean followed to the bottle that was the only decoration he had. "What is that?" Dean asked him and the angel relented, "My grace." Cas sat down hard on the couch that was behind them trying to clear his head of the intoxication that was Dean so he could make himself make the logical decision that the angels needed him too but he couldn't. He was so thinly stretched and his new body was so tired...

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

"Size of the Chrysler building," he laughed and Cas shot him a look. "Why is your grace just sitting on the dresser?" Cas told him what had happened and he stared at the bottle. "Why would you do that?" Cas turned to him. "Why would you give up your grace for me?" Cas started to explain, but he couldn't stop. "No. Not this too. You saved me from hell. Rebelled against your family. Died, a few times. Broke your own brain. And fought through purgatory on your own to keep me safe. Not to mention fighting against your reprogramming. For me to just erase all of it and you still gave up your grace to save me?" he grabbed the jar. "Take it back. I can't ask you to give up this too." Cas stood and raised his head until Dean was looking at him. "Do you want me to?" he stared at the blue eyes that he got lost in more times that he cared to admit. "Yes. No. I want you. I wasn't lying. I'd rather have you broken or not." he pulled Cas in for a hug. "If I take it back I'll have to leave. The angels need guidance. It is chaos in heaven." he nodded. The hug was just him holding on to Cas for as long as he could. "But if I stay. I'd be human. I wouldn't be able to protect you." he gripped him tighter. "You don't need to protect me. I managed nearly 30 years without you." Cas pulled away to look him straight in the eyes. "You had died and gone to hell when I met you." he nodded. "Touche. Hell is out of business now. We can handle monsters. Monsters have rules." he saw an expression pass Cas' face. "Sam doesn't remember. You aren't a hunter anymore." he remembered that now. "Even better. The worst that can happen is I get a finger chopped off." "Dean." "Cas." he replied immediately. "Dean, I will be useless." he grabbed his face. "Not useless. I love you. How could you be useless?" he placed the grace in Cas' hands. "It is your decision. As long as I can remember you, see you, touch you, I'm happy."

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Dean left him with his head too full and hist heart too heavy. His human body not quite enough to carry the burden of the heavens on its shoulders. His mind not entirely sure if he had too. His heart pumping the blood that didn't want to through the rest of his being and he was sure corrupting his better judgement. But it was a choice that he had to make on his own. And that was a gift he did not think that he would be given, and at the moment was not one that he wanted. He knew that he wanted dean, that in his mind was the one thing that he coveted and did not deserve. The heavens needed him, they needed a leader to take them out of their turmoil and he was the only who had invested little enough to see clearly through it. What would happen to his brothers an sisters if he didn't return? Dean had given him up once to save his brother. Was he not expected to do the same? He stared at the bottle on the mantle. All this worry over something so seemingly insignificant it almost seemed funny. He laughed. "I do not understand. What is funny?" Ezekiel was next to him, both of them watching the stillness of the bottle, "It's so small." He told him and laughed again, the angel still didn't understand exactly what he was saying. "Why have you not taken it back?" He asked and Cas sighed, "Because, I'm not sure if I want to." Ezekiel didn't say anything. He didn't tell him that he had to take it back for the sake of the angels. Instead he asked him something. "Why is it that you always fall over yourself to help Dean Winchester?" "Because he asked me to." The angel snorted and Cas shot him a look and then they quieted again and watched the bottle.

His feet fell heavy on the concrete as the world around him fully set into focus. His heart was heavy as he approached a good bye he wasn't sure he was ready for but one that he had to make. He though of Anna. Of her fall and how she could have let herself give up so easily on her home and her family. He thought about Dean and how he had left him because it was Sam who asked it. He wondered if that was how it would always be. If he could fall on Deans request and fly away at Sams. His decision wavered but he had already made it to the front door of the shop and he wasn't leaving now. Dean was alone behind the counter tinkering with some mechanical devise he was sure was important but it was beyond him to place it. He looked up and his features tightened and that was all he needed to speak. "I have acquired a vehicle." He said feeling out of place looking at the little spinning shelf that was covered in paper pine trees that did not really smell very much like what they are supposed too. "You bought a car?" Dean asked him sounding as if that were the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. Heat flooded his face, "Well it seemed logical given the current predicament." He starred but everything was coming out wrong. He wanted to be smooth about it but he wasn't smooth, he was shaky and cared and he drove a car which was the most terrifying thing he had ever done and now Dean was grinning at him like it was funny it great but it wasn't, it was horrifying. he was new at all of this and he felt so incredibly vulnerable that he almost flinched when Dean found his way around the counter and hugged him so hard his feet left the ground. When he kissed him, the taste was the last thing that he ever wanted to know. And everything felt so much...more...than it used to and when they pulled apart it felt so good to have to breathe. "Its not a very good car." He panted. "I can fix it." Dean mumbled into his neck. "I can't drive very well." He gasped, "I'll teach you." He grunted, his teeth scratch at his collar bone and he felt that he could die right there happily. "Dean." He pulled his face away from his skin so he could have his mind back, "I...don't know what to do now." Dean looked between his eyes. He had no idea where to start but Dean took a step back and offered his hand, "Why don't you come meet my brother?" Cas looked at his hand and took it without hesitation. Because that was it. When it came to Dean he didn't hesitate. He was all in.