A/N: Warning! This is a crackfic and not meant to be taken seriously. Characters are all EXTREMELY OOC. We (meaning me and my cousin) will not be held responsible for death by too much laughter or lack of air. THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! You have been warned.
Hera's POV
"Zeus! Get yo butt over here!" I shouted for the seventieth thousandth time.
I had been searching for him for two immortal lifetimes. Well, not two immortal lifetimes, but still.
He had been gone for a loooooooooong time. Probably chasing after some mortal girl. That girl is soooo dead.
I went to the other Olympians for help. Why now, instead of before, you may ask. Because that's convenient for the plot.
The first Olympian I went to was the King of the Gods. He was at the throne room.
I approached him and demanded "Where the Zeus is Hades?"
A weird girlish squeaky voice replied "1 meter away from you."
So I turned around and nearly ran into Hades.
"Oh hi Hades, never you knew you were Zeus." I muttered.
"I just heard someone call me. I tried texting them back on their phone but they won't reply."
"Phone? What phone?" I asked. "Phones are so 2 immortal lifetimes ago."
Just as I said that, I heard a weird buzzing noise.
I whipped out my bottle of whipped cream and materialised a phone out of whipped cream.
There were 17 846 581 763 240 918 text messages from Hades, my BFF Gaea, and Percy Jackson. Wait. Peter Johnson?! I thought he was dead!
Violets are red,
Roses are blue,
I thought you were dead,
When I threw that brick at you.
Apollo appeared riding on Rainbow Dash,"HEY! I'M IN CHARGE OF POEMS! ROSE ARE RED! VIOLETS ARE ORANGE! I AM AWESOME LALALALALA."
Anyways, I peered down at Earth to check if Peter Johnson is still alive. Turns out he's living happily ever after with the brick I threw. That Bricknapper. That was for Jason!
I checked on the other text messages.
Hades: Hello?
Hades: HELLO?!
Hades: OH MY HADES! PICK UP!
Hades: Echooooo
Hades: I'm going to paint you pink if you don't pick up!
Hades: HOLY HAMBURGERS!
Hades: PICK UP YOUR PHONE ALREADY!
Hades: I'm coming for you.
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
Hades: Hello?
And that was about it. Just about 1 204 398 710 495 more of those.
Gaea: Hey BF! How's life?
Gaea: Sleeping is boring! I got some nice dreams about Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows!
Percy Jackson: Thanks for the brick! I'm divorced with Annabeth now! Thanks again!
Percy Jackson: Oh yeah, I named the brick Annabeth 's Suit Case.
Percy Jackson: Annabeth is the name, the middle names are 's and Suit, with Annabeth's last name as Case.
I saw Artemis run into the room, shouting "DADDY! DADDY! SOMEBODY KIDNAPPED MY BOW! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE ONE ON MY BACK!"
Wait. Artemis's dad? No, nevermind. I'm pretty sure that's Poseidon.
I saw Artemis run and hug a guy on ZEUS'S throne! So I shooed him off of MY husband's throne.
And I may have accidentally pushed him down Mount Olympus.
Then I went back to screaming "WHERE DA ZEUS IS HADES?!"
Wait. Wasn't Hades already here? Wasn't I suppose to search for Zeus?
Hades apparently got really irritated and went back to the Underworld in a poof of magical fairy dust.
I decided it was time to pay another visit to Earth, and to not arouse suspicion, I disguised myself as Hades in a magical frilly pink dress.
On Earth, I found Zeus with a little girl hugging onto his leg.
Don't tell me he's cheating on me with a 3 year old! So with a poof of my wand, I turned that girl into Hades.
She, or maybe he ran off to the underworld shouting "Bwahahahaha! I'm Hades!"
That's when she tripped and fell into the river Lethe.
Then I remembered. Hey, where's Artemis? Well, she must be with Poseidon.
I started singing.
Do you wanna build a SnowHades?
Come on, tell me where you've been.
I never see you anymore
What rhymes with door?
It's like you've gone away (which you probably really have)
We used to be like married
And now we're not? (Wait WHAT?! Never mind!)
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you wanna build a SnowHades?
It doesn't have to be a SnowHades...
Okay, bye... (WAIT! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU ALONE JUST YET!)
Do you wanna build a SnowHades?
Or ride our kids around the halls?
I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
your pictures on the walls! (Or maybe it was Hercules)
It gets a little lonely
All these empty rooms
Just watching the centuries tick by...
Do you wanna build a SnowHades?
It doesn't have to be a SnowHades...(Maybe a SnowKhione)
Okay, bye…(NO WAIT I'M NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND JUST YET! STUPID SONG! STOP SINGING THAT!)
Metis I know you're in there
People are asking where you've been (Well, maybe just the titans)
They say, "Have courage", and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in
We only have each other
It's just you and me (And Zeus)
What are we gonna doooooooooooooooooooFor another 2 Immortal Lifetimes
Do you wanna build a SnowHades?
It doesn't have to be a SnowHades...
Okay, bye…(NO I'M NOT LEAVING SHUT UP ZEUS)
Apollo suddenly popped in, created some popcorn and shouted "HEY I'm in charge of that! And why can't we build a SnowApollo? AND WHERE'S MY SIS?!"
"Ummm about that Hera...-" Zeus started.
"Ya? Vat?"
"I sorta wanna..."
"Huh?"
"Divorce. Pleasedon'tgetmadatmeI'msorry."
"YASSSSSSS!" I screamed. "I can finally date Peter Johnson!"
So I skipped off. Into the next chapter.