Too Close to the Sun
Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King is owned by WB and Shoot the Moon. This story belongs to me. At least I'm claiming it today, but perhaps not tomorrow.
Huge thanks to Anne and Lynda for betaing, advice, and general encouragement.
Lee quietly stepped into the bright office and felt a chill snake up his spine. The room seemed cold, even as the sun streamed in through the window. And still – too still. He sat and involuntarily glanced over at his partner's empty desk, then quickly averted his eyes as you would from a dead body. He shuddered at the thought of death and berated himself for his squeamishness. He was a hardened federal agent, and coming to work every morning shouldn't be this traumatic. And yet, he was sure this past week had been the longest of his life. As soon as the thought sprang into his head he almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. He knew for certain that three weeks ago, when he was watching the only woman he had every truly loved hover between life and death, was the longest week of his life. After the emotional roller coaster he experienced in California, it should be trivial to spend a week at work without her.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't that he missed seeing her every day. He had been to the house every night this week, sometimes to spend the evening pretending he was a real member of her family or sometimes only to catch a moment talking with the woman he loved more than his own life before heading home to bed. He was glad that the family knew who he was now. It would have been impossible to have any clandestine meetings with Amanda in her condition and with the chill of winter still present. Her family seemed to notice there was something different between the two of them. He heard Jamie say as much to Dotty when he was removing his coat in the entryway yesterday.
"Why is he here again? Mom acts strange whenever he comes," he complained in a petulant voice.
Lee peered around the corner as Dotty shushed Jamie. "Well, he and your mother are seeing each other, and they have been through a terrible ordeal together." Dotty still could not bring herself to say the words gun or shot. "Something like that changes people. It either brings them closer together or drives them apart. I think that it brought your mom and Lee closer together," she replied with a lofty smile on her face. She tipped her head down and looked sternly into his face. "Now, you be nice to Mr. Stetson, young man."
No, it was more than just physically missing her presence. He couldn't even think clearly. Since when could he not work through cases without Amanda?
It must be fatigue. He was a damn good agent, but he was exhausted. He didn't think that he slept a moment from the time Amanda got shot until she regained consciousness. Even after, he only snagged little snippets of sleep. It wasn't until he was ensconced in a hotel with Amanda for the final days of their stay in California before she was cleared to fly that he really slept. In fact, they had done almost nothing but sleep. Amanda wasn't well enough to do anything else. He didn't mind though. The luxury of lying next to his wife for hours, holding her, was salve on an open wound. It still wasn't enough. It took the edge off the bone weary tiredness he felt, but he was still exhausted.
Maybe it was stress. While Amanda was lying unconscious in that hospital, he felt as though there was a vice around his chest. He finally took a real breath after he heard her voice and held her warm hand, so different from the cold, lifeless appendage he had been clinging to while she lay under that dreadful oxygen tent.
There was no question now that Amanda would make a complete recovery, but he still couldn't shake the feeling of dread that lived in the pit of his stomach. After leaving Amanda's last night, he had gone home and straight to bed, only to be awakened again by the same awful nightmare.
/~
Images and feelings flickered in his mind like an old-time silent film.
He was flying, free and magnificent, bodily constraint completely
stripped away. His favorite dream since he had first kissed Amanda.
/~
A brilliant light ahead, warm and inviting – the sun during an Indian
summer, hot chocolate sliding into his belly on a cold winter day, the
gentle heat of his mother's kiss on a skinned knee, the stirring in his
stomach when he looked at her, warmth radiating from the inside out.
Trying to reach it, the pull of the heat. Almost there – close enough
to stretch his fingers and feel warmth at the tips.
/~
But then after the accident, the dream changed. Still coming closer,
just about to embrace the light, when suddenly the sharp report of
gunfire erupted. Tensing, waiting for the sensation of pain, but he
felt nothing. Then ahead, the light bloomed red and he was falling,
plummeting downward. Terror clenched in his gut, icy tentacles
starting in his chest and branching out until numbness reigned.
/~
Last night was the worst yet. He got up, turned on every light in his apartment, poured himself two fingers of scotch and sat on the sofa in a cold sweat. He was terrified for her, for him. How had he let himself get so close to her, to open up? Clearly, fate decreed it could only end in ruin. He needed space. He had to keep Amanda away from him and his dangerous life. But how could he? How could he take his heart and banish it from his body?
A sharp rap on the door of his office interrupted Lee's dark thoughts. He looked up, attempting the impression of a smile, as Agent Tom Sanders entered the room.
"Hey, we're finished with the book on Project Icarus."
"And?" Lee prompted.
"Sorry, Scarecrow. We went over it three times and didn't find any more information than you already knew," the agent announced in a resigned voice.
"Yeah, thanks. I'll take a look and see if I can come up with anything." Lee walked over to take the little book from Sanders and then growled as the man left the room. He didn't know what good it would do to look at the book. If the top code guys couldn't come up with anything, he didn't know why they thought he could.
Project Icarus was the new Soviet program to steal the plans for America's stealth attack plane, Nighthawk. If the Soviets obtained the plans and could counteract the aircraft's stealth capabilities, they could shoot Nighthawk out of the sky and send it plummeting to the earth. This case had been dropped in his lap the moment he returned from California. Lee knew what was at stake here; he had to stop the Soviets from getting their hands on those plans.
An hour later, Lee threw the book to the far side of his desk in frustration. There was something he was missing. It was on the periphery of his brain, barely out of reach. Amanda would know if she were here. She always could find the little things that everyone else missed, the key that made the difference in closing the gap.
He leaned both elbows on the hard surface and pressed the heels of his hands into his tired eyes, then ran his palm over his head. Lee winced as he came into contact with the still tender goose egg he had gotten several days ago, courtesy of Fred Fielder, when they had gone to obtain this particular book. 'This wouldn't have happened if Amanda had been there,' he thought for the hundredth time.
Lee walked quickly into the bullpen after receiving an immediate summons from Billy. He found his supervisor seated at his desk throwing back several antacids, although it was only ten o'clock in the morning.
"Lee, we just got a call from the bureau. They have an informant who wants to trade some information about Project Icarus. Since Icarus is our baby, they sent the intel over here. The meet is going down in the back of a shop over on M Street in –" Billy glanced quickly at his watch. "–forty-five minutes."
"Good. We need a break on this case," Lee exclaimed with interest in his voice for the first time in ages.
"I want you to take someone with you. You don't have any idea what you are walking into here," Billy replied.
"Yeah, okay. Where's Francine?"
"She's out doing a security check with Chang." Billy rose and looked out his window into the bullpen. "It looks like Fielder is the only agent not tied up with something at the moment."
Lee rolled his eyes.
Thirty minutes later, Agents Stetson and Fielder were entering the storeroom through a back alley. Their plan was to get in position and observe the informant to make sure the meet was on the level. Lee had only gotten a few feet, when he felt a sharp thud on the back of his head. Stars popped in front of his eyes, but he was able to stay on his feet. He turned around as fast as he could manage and caught the guy with a hard right jab to his solar plexus. Lee simultaneously drew his gun and pointed it at his assailant.
"Dammit, Fred! How in the hell did you let that guy get the drop on me?"
"Hey, sorry Scarecrow. I musta looked away for just a second," Fred replied sheepishly. Then he gave a short laugh, "It's a good thing you have such a hard head, huh?"
Lee's glare effectively silenced Fred for the rest of the operation.
As they returned to the Agency, Lee angrily strode into the bullpen. Francine took in his stormy expression and smirked, "Missing your partner, Scarecrow?"
"Yes, Francine." Lee looked pointedly at her and then nodded his head behind him at Fred. "Amanda knows how to watch my tail, so I don't get jumped." He shook his head slightly and then winced from the slight pain and nausea that followed. He barely caught Francine's raised eyebrows as he turned and started into Billy's office.
For so long he had tried to keep Amanda out of dangerous situations, but now when it came right down to it, there was no one he would rather have backing him up than his wife. He stopped outside Billy's door and massaged his forehead, to ward off the headache that was threatening and the emotional turmoil that accompanied epiphany. He was getting too close to the sun.
Billy looked up from his desk. "How did it go?"
"Well, I got what we wanted, if that's what you're asking." He threw the small book on Billy's desk. "The FBI informant buys things off a janitor that works at the Soviet embassy. This little gem was headed for the incinerator when he rescued it. It appears to be a sort of diary, in English, of one of the men working on Icarus. He mentions the project several times."
"Excellent." Billy smiled broadly. "Get it down to crypto and let the code guys see what they can squeeze out of it. And go see what you can find out about this janitor. I don't want to be taking some fed's word on their sources. "
Lee rose from his desk and started to think about finding some lunch. As an afterthought, he grabbed the book on his way out. Maybe something would come to him on a full stomach. He exited the Georgetown foyer and squinted against the bright sun, which belied the chill of the March air. He turned to walk down the street toward Nedlinger's but then thought better of it. He was in no mood to encounter anyone he knew and make inane conversation. He remembered a new café that had recently opened several blocks over. A walk and quiet atmosphere were exactly what he needed.
The smell of freshly baked bread tantalized Lee's senses as he settled himself into a seat. He was surprised to find a waitress immediately at his right. The blonde looked down and smiled coquettishly.
"Hi, I'm Kimberlie," she started in the most breathy voice Lee had ever heard. He groaned as he waved her away under the pretense of looking over the menu. Lee knew what was coming. He would have to spend the next half hour fending off this woman's irritating advances. Normally, he enjoyed the ego boast that came from the attentions of women, even sometimes when Amanda was there. A smile came to his face as he thought about the flash of her eyes, her inability to cover the fact that it bothered her more than she would let on. Today, however, he was in no mood to put up with distractions. He wished he could put on his wedding ring and wave it triumphantly in her face. Maybe he should think about carrying it with him for these occasions. He watched the waitress move among the other tables glancing back at him every few moments with a predatory look on her face. It reminded him of Francine's absurd attempt to get past the guard at Embassy Cleaning Inc.
Francine sidled up to the man, batting her eyes, and cooing about how handsome he was. After several minutes of Francine's seduction, and the man's incredulous stare, Lee started to snicker.
"Honey, I'm a happily married fifty year old man. You haven't got a single thing that could possibly interest me. You must want something real bad, but it's not going to happen on my watch."
Francine looked affronted and stalked back down the hall to Lee who was struggling to contain his laughter.
"You think that's funny, Scarecrow?" Francine looked extremely perturbed.
"Kinda," he replied, then quickly cleared his throat, adopting a suitably subdued expression. They wouldn't get anywhere if he irritated Francine further. "Come on, we need to think of another way to get the personnel records." He knew he shouldn't have let Francine have the first go at the guard. Now the man would be even more vigilant.
Lee had thought about the guard's words for the rest of the day. There was a time in the not too distant past where there was no way he would have believed the man could be on the level. Francine was a beautiful woman, and had significant powers of seduction, as Lee knew all too well. Now, however, he could only smile as he thought about himself saying those exact words in fifteen years.
Amanda would have had that man eating out of her hand in a matter of minutes. They would have been swapping pictures of their children and grandchildren before his cup of coffee had cooled. He sighed, feeling almost a chill from her absence. It was like stepping from brilliant light into shadow. How was he going to keep Amanda safe, when he couldn't seem to work without her? This was what happened when you got close to the sun; you can't learn to live without it.
Lee was putting the finishing touches on an extensive requisitions order before heading out for the evening when he heard the sharp tap of heels in the hallway leading to the Q bureau. Francine entered unceremoniously and gave Lee a tired smile. "The FBI informant got some more information from the janitor about the book. He thinks he knows who wrote it, so Billy wants the guy under 24 hour surveillance – starting immediately." She smiled sardonically. "Guess who drew the first shift?"
Lee groaned, "Oh, come on." Why did it have to be tonight?
Francine noticed the deep scowl on Lee's face and quipped, "What's the matter, Scarecrow? Got a hot date?"
"As a matter of fact, Francine, I do," Lee replied.
"You know, Lee, when I was telling Amanda that you were a man who had to sample the whole buffet, I never really thought that you would be callous enough to start seeing another woman so quickly, especially after what she has been through."
"Francine, might I remind you that who I spend my time with after work is none of your business," Lee answered in an impatient voice.
Francine merely glared at Lee as she made her way to the door. "We need to leave in fifteen minutes, so you better get on the phone."
Lee met her haughty gaze with a cross look of his own. He couldn't believe this. He had been looking forward to this night all week. Amanda's family had been hovering ever since she'd gotten home, the boys in particular. While he understood, it didn't erase his own ache to be with his wife. Tonight, the boys were going with their father to a hockey game. They had been hesitant, but these plans had been made months ago, and Amanda insisted they not be changed on her account. She had finally convinced them she would be fine until Joe brought them back first thing in the morning. Lee was sure Dotty wouldn't interfere tonight. The two of them had come to an understanding in California.
"Mother, I know that you are worried about me, but I would really feel better if you were back home with the boys."
"I can take care of Amanda, Dotty."
Dotty looked apprehensively between the two of them.
Amanda spoke again, her voice quiet and uneven. "I know that Joe is taking good care of the boys, but they both sound so frightened. I would feel better if they were at home in a familiar routine." Her voice was stronger as she finished and she looked directly into her mother's eyes.
"Amanda," Dotty started. She looked down awkwardly, and made a noise like a short laugh. She seemed to gather her courage and looked at her daughter again. "Amanda, you can't dress yourself or even take yourself to the bathroom." Her eyes darted involuntarily over to Lee. "I just can't leave you."
Lee glanced at Amanda, expecting her to be uncomfortable, but he felt the pressure of her hand increase, while her eyes never left her mother's.
"I can take care of Amanda." Lee repeated, his voice strained with conviction. "I got another week off work, and I can – I want – to be here for," he paused and looked at his wife, "for anything she needs." The message was as much for her as it was for her mother.
Dotty observed him thoughtfully for a moment and he saw the play of emotions across her face. Concern and worry warred with curiosity and a bit of surprise. She clearly came to some kind of understanding about the nature of their relationship, because he saw a peace start in her eyes and move down to a slight smile.
Later, as Lee walked Dotty to her gate at the airport, she turned and opened her mouth to speak. Lee anticipated her. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of her."
"I know you will." Dotty smiled and blinked rapidly to try to avoid the rush of tears that was coming. She reached out to embrace him and choked out, "Thank you, Lee. Thank you for being here for her and for helping the police catch the monster that did this." She stepped back to observe him one last time.
"I would do anything for her." He glanced up and swallowed hard. All of a sudden, it seemed important for Dotty to know – at least something. "I love Amanda," he said quietly, "more than I ever thought possible."
A genuine smile lit her face for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. "Yes, that has become quite obvious to me this week." She patted Lee's arm. "I am very happy for you both."
Lee watched her walk away with a sad smile on his face. He was surprised to realize he was going to miss Dotty. On the other hand, it was going to be wonderful to not worry about hiding his relationship with his wife. Several times already, in his fatigue, he had almost slipped up in front of her. He shoved his hands into his pockets and slowly turned to head back to his car. He was starting to get an inkling that this mystery marriage was going to be more difficult than he would have ever imagined.
Two hours later Lee was shifting uncomfortably in the seat of a late model sedan across from the Soviet embassy listening to Francine drone on about her date with a senator's aide earlier in the week. Lee made non-committal grunts occasionally, but paid little attention to her prattle.
"Lee. I asked you about Amanda? Didn't you hear me?" Francine's tone turned to annoyance after the haughty air he had been listening to for the better course of an hour.
"Uh, no. Sorry Francine. What was it you wanted to know?" he replied trying valiantly to pull his thoughts into the here and now.
"I was asking about Amanda."
"Oh, she's doing lots better," he countered rather evasively.
Francine paused for a moment and then inhaled deeply steeling herself. "Lee, why did you go out to California after she was shot? Wasn't her mother already there?"
Lee gave a feigned smile and a deprecatory chuckle, "Come on, Francine, you could hardly expect me to enjoy my vacation, when my partner lay dying in a hospital bed." By the end of the speech, Lee's voice dropped off and he swallowed hard to try to clear the lump forming in his throat.
Francine inclined her head slightly, as if to indicate that she understood, but her eyes narrowed at him, searching for answers.
"So, who were your plans with tonight?" Francine began again in more lighthearted tone, quickly realizing that there was no information in Lee's countenance.
"Francine, I already told you that it is none of your business who I am dating. So just drop it, okay?" Lee didn't want to anger Francine, but he was not the least bit interested in continuing this conversation.
"Fine, have it your way," Francine huffed.
They sat in silence for some time, each absorbed in their own thoughts. Francine kept stealing surreptitious glances at Lee, still trying to ascertain the enigma that had become Lee Stetson.
Lee fidgeted restlessly in his seat. He wished Amanda were here. Tonight it was almost a physical ache. His muscles were taut and sore as if he had been tensing them for too long. His skin tingled with a burning sensation he was sure could only be soothed by the touch of her cool hands. He thought of the last stakeout he and Amanda had been on. She insisted emphatically on a professional demeanor when they were working. Yet they huddled closely together to stay warm while Lee softly caressed her arm and they talked quietly about their future together. Stakeouts with Francine weren't nearly as pleasant.
The moon was a slim crescent hanging high in the sky when Lee returned to his building. He was already shrugging off his jacket and loosening his tie as he walked into his apartment. He carelessly threw them onto the sofa and removed his shoulder holster which joined the clothing. He glanced at the wet bar. "I need a drink," he said out loud as though verbalizing made it acceptable. 'I don't need a drink,' he thought ruefully, 'I need my wife.'
He slipped off his shoes and retrieved a glass when he heard – or maybe simply felt – a noise. He turned around, but all seemed quiet. He walked back to the sofa, picked up his gun and started making his way around the room with cat-like tread.
He stopped when he came to the bedroom door and opened it slowly to let the light from the living room illuminate the dark space. He eased around the corner glancing left and right before his gaze took in his sleeping wife dressed in one of his t-shirts snuggled in the bed. Lee gave a half smile as he listened to her soft breathing and heard her give a little sigh. He closed the door and stashed his weapon in a dresser drawer while he shed his remaining clothes, dropping them in a heap on the floor. Lee knew that she shouldn't be here, but his pleasure at seeing her overrode any qualms he had about her presence. He could find out how she managed to get out of the house later. For the moment, he simply wanted to enjoy the feel of her. He eased back the covers carefully so as not to disturb her and slipped in cautiously. He gingerly snaked his arm around her waist and settled himself as close to her as possible.
"Lee." His name came off her lips as a contented sigh.
"How did you know that I needed you desperately tonight?" he whispered.
His eyes still hadn't adjusted to the dark of their bedroom and while he couldn't see, he felt her smile.
"I think it was me who needed you," she murmured in a voice still heavy with sleep.
"How did you get here? What about your mother?" The questions came out in a rush before he could stop them.
"I took a cab. Mother had a terrible headache, and took a sleeping pill. She won't be awake before eight, and the boys won't be home until ten," Amanda replied slowly.
Lee breathed a sigh of contentment and pulled her even closer to him. "Amanda, I missed you more than I ever thought possible this week."
"Hmmm. I missed you too. It's getting pretty boring sitting at home all day," she whispered. Her last words were barely audible as she started to succumb to sleep again.
Lee lay there listening to her soft breathing, practically inhaling her warmth, like basking in the sun. This was what he needed to shut out the cold he had felt all week. He couldn't live without her light and warmth and if that meant that he had to live with his fear of falling, then so be it. He could no longer function effectively without her and for the first time he knew he didn't want to.
He would talk to her about the case tomorrow and together they would figure it out. Although his heart was screaming for him to keep her away from the danger, his mind told him that it simply wasn't possible. He needed her. He wasn't going on personally or professionally without her. As he wrapped his mind around this idea, the tension of the week finally dissipated and peace followed. He would try to explain to Amanda in the morning, although she probably had figured it out on her own. He started to drift off himself. Yes, she likely already knew exactly what he was thinking; sometimes he thought that she knew him better than he knew himself. He smiled as his eyelids slid shut. It felt good not to be alone.
There is something so settled and stodgy about turning a great romance into next of kin on an emergency room form, and something so soothing and special, too.
Anna Quindlen
Author's Notes:
~The F-117 Nighthawk stealth ground attack aircraft with first flown in 1981 and was operational in limited use by October of 1983. Its existence was finally admitted in November of 1988, and the aircraft was retired by the Air Force April 22, 2008.
~Icarus and his father Daedalus were captives of King Minos on the island of Crete. In order to escape, Daedalus, who was a master craftsman, fashioned wings from wax and feathers for he and his son to fly back to Greece. Daedalus warned Icarus that he must not fly near the sun or the wax would melt and he would fall into the sea. Icarus was impetuous and failed to heed his father's warning. He flew too close to the sun and plummeted back to earth and drown at sea.