It's not love. Perhaps to an onlooker spying it may look like acts of love but that's just scratching the surface. We are at war. During times of war, people crave certain things. Love, comfort, security. A way to let lose bottled emotions not dared seen during the day. No, during the day is when you have to be strong, show a brave face and pretend to be more confident than you really are.
It's the nighttime that true feelings and fears are shown. Hidden in the darkness, only glimpses of the truth are shown and only then can weaknesses be allowed out. It is at night I visit the room of a certain samurai. It is during the night that sins are acted out and forgotten when the sun rises. You might ask, why Kanda? The answer is simple. It isn't love and there is no threat of love. We are perhaps the only two beings in the Black Order that are incapable of love, especially with each other.
Because we are at war, love would only hinder, only hurt us more. We are not together because we care about each other. We use each other to forget our lives and to go to a world where only pleasure and comfort exists. It's a time where we forget our failures from the day before and let the dead rest in peace in our minds.
We never know when we're going to die. We're here now, but in the very next second we may not be. The human body is so frail and there are hundreds of ways to die. We have to live in the moment and collect all the happiness we can for at any given moment it can be swept away. I know what Kanda thinks of me. He feels that I wish to die that I hope to die whenever I perform a "martyr" move but I don't wish to die. No, I wish to redeem myself. Every time I save a life, be it humans or akumas, I make myself a better person.
We all find ways to atone for our sins, be whatever they are. Kanda throws his life away with reckless moves and I watch the petals fall from his lotus each night, Lenalee fights for her friends and brother more than for herself and Lavi tears himself inside, trying to care for his friends while battling with the bookman inside himself. Some people atone for their failures by inflicting pain onto themselves. I know, I used to be one of them. That's until I found comfort in Kanda. He had found me one night, just lying in my room, blood dripping off my wrist. I don't know why he was in my room in the first place or even why he stopped and helped me.
He bandaged up my wrist and in the next moment he was kissing me. Not a gentle loving kiss, no a heated hungry kiss that left no room for thoughts. Ever since then, when everyone retired for the night I would sneak into the hallways hidden in the shadows and I would slip into his room where he would be waiting. I don't know if anyone knows what we do at night but if they do, they feign ignorance.
When the sin is finished and we lay in bed beside each other sometimes we allow ourselves to pretend. Pretend that we love and are loved. We would kiss each other and whisper secrets in the other's ear. But no matter how much we get wrapped up in our world of make belief, when the sun begins to touch the sky, I slip out and go back to my room. I go take a shower to wash the night away and when we see each other again nothing will change.
It's a funny thing. It is only at night I take of the brave mask of mine and when I show my true self. It is only Kanda who had seen the true me, the me who is vulnerable and scared of the finality of death. He is the only one who sees the tears I shed for those I could not save. He never comments he never breaks the serenity of silence. He understands me and he knows and does everything that I need.
Night and Day. They are two different worlds and for them, we are two different people. In the day, I will fight. I will be brave and give others hope though there is none in my heart. I will give comforting words to my comrades and I will go out and save lives with a smile.
At night, I will shed the smile and I will seek comfort from the one who can give it to me. It is then I will be able to mourn and yet at the same time forget. It will be the only time I am free and can be who I really am. Only with Kanda.
I am not naïve. I know there will be a day when one of us dies. I also know that we won't mourn the other when the day comes. We will perhaps shed a tear but we will move on and find comfort somewhere else. Until then, nothing will change, there will always be just day and night.