Fluey Stewie

Note: First-ever Family Guy Stewie-centric fan fiction. Despite being ill, Stewie does his best (or in this case, his worst) to kill Lois.

"Damn your estrogenically charged tyranny !"—Stewie

Chapter 1—Victory Shall Be Mine !

Stewie had been in a matricidal frame of mind since his birth. If he had been born with a knife in his hand, he would've torn himself out of his mother's uterus, killing her on the spot. But since that hadn't been the case, he had been devising plans of destroying her. One day, he had installed a trip wire from the top of the stairs to the bottom. Usually Lois had been the first to awaken in the day and head downstairs for a hot cup of coffee and oatmeal. Stewie had set up the trip-wire the day before and waited downstairs, wringing his hands and stifling a maniacal laugh as he waited for her to fall down, hopefully breaking her neck. Instead his big sister Meg tumbled down the stairs and ended up with some pretty harsh bruises.

"Ow ! What the hell ?! Who put this trip-wire here ? Stewie ! I know it was you, come here, now !", Meg said, angrily. She sounded infuriated. She chased Stewie down and paddled him for his little escapade.

"Jeez, Meg. Why do you have to be such a bitch ?", Stewie shot back, not even phased by the corporal punishment.

"I'm not being a bitch, Stewie. I'm watching out for everyone else's safety. You could've killed someone.", Meg said, kissing her brother's overly-large football-shaped head and sat him in the naughty-corner. He loathed the naughty-corner technique since it never did him one bit of good. If he could find Jo the Super-Nanny's next location he'd teach her a lesson she'd never forget, let alone awaken from. He exhaled shortly, his eyes shooting daggers at Meg. Meg sighed sadly.

"I'm sorry but it is for your own good until you learn not to do such things anymore. I swear, you're such a naughty little boy !", Meg said, storming off back to her room to chat on the Internet. Stewie folded his arms and sulked, but then, a deliciously evil plan popped into his head. There was a harpoon gun in his closet. Of course, he would have to be sneaky. While Meg was away, he scurried upstairs to grab the harpoon. In time, Lois would be taking a bath, and then she would be vulnerable.

Chapter 2—Right In My Sights

Right on cue, Lois had begun her usual morning ritual of brushing her teeth. Soon she had stepped into the shower and begun to bathe. Stewie had set the laser targeting right over his mother's heart and aimed. Before he knew what had hit him, he had begun retching and couldn't stop. Also, he hit the trigger on the gun but Lois had ducked it in time. Accidentally, she bumped her head on the harpoon itself.

"Stewie, are you playing with violent toys again ? What did mommy tell you about that ?", Lois said, oblivious to her son's malicious intent.

"Mommy…I don't…feel so good.", Stewie said, vomiting in front of her. Not minding the puddle of vomit on the floor, she had picked him up and placed him in his crib, getting him some juice to soothe his sour stomach. Apparently, he had caught the dreaded flu bug that was going around this season. This year, it had been more devious and vicious than before.

"Damn, damn, damn.", Stewie thought to himself as he watched his mother shimmy away in the terry-cloth towel. He had been so very close to killing her this time, but maybe, perhaps he could use being sick for his own good. He thought of it, and it seemed so elementary he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it earlier.

"I'm such an evil genius.", he thought to himself. With what little strength he had, he pried one of the wooden pegs out of his crib and with a switchblade knife he had hidden in the back of his trousers, began carving a steak. With any luck, Lois would be back to check on him and he could slay his mom once and for all.

Chapter 3—Vampire Hunter Stewie

As Lois came to check on Stewie, she was going to give him some medicine to help him feel better. He hadn't thrown up since she had given him his juice but he still felt terrible. Poor Stewie had to breathe through his mouth since his nostrils were clogged.

"Here you go, Stewie-bear. Mommy's got some medicine to help you feel better.", Lois said, giving him a spoonful of strawberry flavored elixir. Stewie had no trouble taking it and with what little strength he had, tried stabbing Lois in the back with the steak. It had hit her in the shoulder with the steak, which caused her to yelp and swear in anger.

"I realize you don't like taking your medicine, but for goodness sake, you don't have to be so vicious about it !", Lois said, yanking the steak out and tossing it into a receptacle nearby. He had to admit he was impressed with how quickly she tended to her wound and stopped the bleeding. Unfortunately, he retched again, ruining his clothing.

"Blast it !", he cursed, shaking his fist in futility.

"Don't worry about it, honey. We'll get you out of those clothes and into some new ones, and put you back to bed.", Lois said as she hummed to him lovingly. The rhythmic motion of the water, the ritualistic bathing and gentle rocking slowly put him back to sleep and he mumbled,

"Soon, I'll get you.", which Lois hadn't heard. She was already gone from the nursery.

Chapter 4—Brian the Wonder-Dog

Bryan had found life a bit boring without Stewie to pick on. He had known his sinisterly ingenious infant friend had been sick with the flu. Feeling a little sorry for him, he crept into Stewie's room to see how he was doing. It seemed as though he had found his laser gun and had been hugging it close to him. Stepping in front of the crib, he had no time to react to Stewie's rapid trigger-finger. Fortunately, Bryan had ducked at the right moment. The hairs on top of his head had been singed a bit, and a hairline across his cranium could be seen.

"Damn it Stewie…You nearly scared the crap out of me.", Brian confessed, glad he hadn't made a mess on the floor after that creepily close encounter with Death. Speaking of the Pale Rider himself, he had come in only moments afterward, smoking a slim cigarette and seeming non-chalant.

"You dodged a bullet that time, Brian.", the Reaper said, in his annoying cultured British accent.

"More like laser fire of DOOM !", Stewie added, laughing until he coughed. It felt liberating to be able to laugh again, however. At least he knew he still had his twisted, black sense of humor. Ripping a seam into space/time, the Reaper made his phenomenal exit.

"Before you do that again, psycho, warn me !", Brian yelled, looking a bit angered. Stewie still laughed, amused at Brian's momentary discontent. It was just his way of letting his friend know he loved him.

"As you can see I am on the mend, my dear boy.", Stewie began.

"And let me guess, you're planning on killing Lois, aren't you ?", Brian asked, feeling a bit dumb for inquiring about the obvious.

"Of course, you jackanapes. This is my one purpose. One shot and it's over with !", Stewie stated, manically.

"Yes, true. But you'll be without a mother, and Meg will have to take care of you.", Brian responded, getting a chill down his spine simply thinking about how horrid a situation that would be. Not to say she couldn't do or handle taking care of the Griffin clan, but the thought of Meg in a motherly role scared Brian until his hackles stood on end.

"Oh dear GOD no !", Stewie exclaimed with a shudder. He kicked his ray gun to the other side of the room thinking about how having Meg for a mother would be the ultimate hell on Earth.

"Lord knows Peter could step up but we all know that isn't likely.", Brian said, taking a sip of a martini casually. Again, Stewie shivered, quivered and shook at the idea of Meg taking care of him instead of Lois. She couldn't cook, was horrible at cleaning and couldn't even prepare formula properly. Besides, Lois's care had helped him feel much better than he had before.

"You're right. But still, it would've been satisfying to have done the deed. Don't all kids want to kill their moms anyway ?", Stewie said, sitting down in his crib and crossing his arms.

"Certainly, in Freudian knowledge, which I am surprised to know you are aware of.", Brian said, in a bemused tone.

"I can read, you know.", Stewie said, scoffing at Brian's ignorance. Brian took another lingering sip of his martini, rolled his eyes and began to leave the room.

"Oh and Stewie, get well soon.", Brian said in a near whisper as he exited.

"Thanks, you old cur. My best and brightest friend.", Stewie said as he gathered his teddy Rupert close to him as he slept soundly through the night.

Epilogue

Stewie's little "outbursts" during the week had been forgotten, and unbelievably he had been forgiven of what he had done. He hadn't thought of anything morbid concerning Lois since the time he had been ill. If he didn't know any better, perhaps he believed he was becoming soft. No matter how much he wanted to kill Lois in a myriad of destructive, abrasive ways, he couldn't bring himself to do so. Even in her arms, being fed by her, he couldn't help but give into the love that was Lois. Momentarily, he shut his eyes, enjoying their warmth.

"Perhaps not being matricidal has its benefits.", he thought as soon as Lois kissed his forehead and burped him. She would die of old age, just as had been her destiny. Besides, Stewie wasn't going to be rebellious until he was a teenager, so he had plenty of time to plan. By that time, Meg would be out of the house, as well as Chris and once more, he could begin his plans again. But for the moment, he was a sleeping viper…waiting for the right time to strike and finally maintain victory.

To Be Continued…

In the second chapter, "Rebel, Rebel", Meg and Chris have moved out and Stewie is left to his own devices. Will he be able to kill his mother, humiliate her or will his plans once again be thwarted. Read on to find out, if you dare.