It was two years after Suzanna died. My mom had literally forced us all to come back to the beach house. Steven wasn't hard to convince. Anything to spend time with the brothers he never had. Jeremiah could never pass up a summer at the house. And Conrad...he just didn't want to say no to my mother. It already felt wrong walking into the house and Suzanna not being there. I wanted to cry right as I walked in, but I knew if I started to cry, my mom wouldn't be able to hold it together. The house smelled like her. It smelled like summer, and everything I waited for my whole life until june came around.
"Belly, you're blocking the staircase." Steven sounded annoyed as he trudged through the door with our bags. I ignored him and moved up the stairs with my little purple suitcase. The first room I saw was Conrad's. I knew he wasn't in there. He would hate the thought of us thinking he was eager enough to arrive first. I turned the corner before I could let myself think anything else about him. Walking into my room, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I took in a breath and looked around the room. The bear Conrad had won me, my jewelry box, all of the clothes and trinkets Suzanna had bought me. My childhood was in here. Suzanna was in here. I let out the breath and set my suitcase on my bed. I opened it up and started to put my folded clothes in my drawers. I didn't even notice when a tear rolled down my cheeck. I wiped it away quickly. No. I told myself I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't ruin this. Everyone was together, here at the house. Who knows if it would be our last summer. I heard a car drive up and peered out of my window. Two beautiful boys came out of the black car. The only two boys I had ever really loved.
"Shit." I muttered under my breath. Should I stay upstairs? Go down to greet them? If I go outside it will look like I was spying. Stay up here. Yeah.
"Beck's Boys!" I heard my mom holler to Conrad and Jeremiah as they walked in. This was my chance. I ran down the stairs at a good enough pace to stop quickly so it would look like I didn't know they were there.
"Belly." Jeremiah smiled. His smile. Any other girl would give their sister to get a smile like that. Then I look over to Conrad, and I was right back where I was two years ago. Telling him I had always loved him. Him shutting me down.
"What's up bells." Conrad said casually. I hated that, when he acted like nothing ever happened between us. I couldn't show my anger though. Not here.
"Hey guys." I tried to say as casually as possible. I still probably sounded excited. That night my mom tried to cook one of Suzanna's dinners. Meatloaf with corn and mashed potatoes. It didn't taste right, but we all ate it. It was nice, being together, talking about our lives, steven picking on me. It almost felt right. I had been accepted to Boston College, and I was going next year. It was closer to Conrad than Jeremiah. I don't think I meant it to be that way, but then again maybe I did. Jeremiah and I were left to clean up. Steven and Conrad were off playing some stupid video game.
"So how have you been?" Jeremiah said as he dried a dish. I turned my head up to him and watched his careful stare at his drying.
"Good. I'm going to college and I've been spending a lot of time with my dad. It's all good. And now we're here again, so it's..." I didn't know what word I needed.
"Weird." Jeremiah finished my sentence. He looked into my eyes.
"But good." I smiled at him, and he smiled back. We finished the dishes, and he told me about his freshman year at college, his new friends, and fraternity brothers. That was like Jere. He could pick up a relationship after two years of almost silence. It didn't matter if I hadn't seen him, or if Suzanna wasn't here. He was my friend, no matter what. Sitting in my room, I laid in bed for a while. I looked at the clock. Eleven thirty. I knew I should be tired, but I was too excited. I tried to go asleep anyways, and I did.
I woke up and looked at the clock. Two thirty. I wasn't tired at all. There's no way I'm going to sleep now. I sprung out of bed and rummaged through my suitcase in the dark until I felt the material of my bathing suit. I slipped it on, and after a few tumbles I was out the door and headed down to the pool. I stood at the edge of the pool. It was cold, but the kind of cold that made you feel alive, that woke you up. I closed my eyes, stretched my neck and dove into the pool. I would usually come up right after, but I didn't feel like being in air again. I swam to the end, then back again. When I finally came up, I wish I could say I was surprised at who was sitting on the diving board.
"Still coming out for little midnight swims Belly?" Conrad smiled, but I still felt like he was mocking me. I hated that.
"Still coming out to spy on my little midnight swims Conrad?" I raised an eyebrow. He nodded, as if he was impressed with my comeback. I swam up next to him and pushed myself up to sit on the ledge next to the diving board. It was freezing out, but I tried to stay cool. I didn't want him to see any weakness in me.
"So Boston College? You wanted to be close to me?" He smiled at me and took a sip of his beer. He had a sparkle in his eye. He was just kidding. I liked it better when he was nice to me, like this.
"Yeah. I just can't seem to get enough of you." I looked up at him. I meant it as a joke, but somehow it came out completely different. He turned to me and looked deep into my eyes. It felt like he was looking for something, but then I realized he was just looking at me. I turned away, wanting to be the one to end the moment.
"You're smart Belly. Always have been. I couldn't have gotten into BC if I payed my way in." Conrad laughed.
"Oh come on. You're smart. You're probably the smartest person I know. You just never cared enough." I felt bad as soon as I said it.
"Yeah. I guess you're right." He sipped his beer again. Phew. I was glad he took that right.
"I miss your mom." I sighed. It came out of nowhere. My mom had always said that grief came in waves. I felt bad for bringing it up in front of Conrad. As bad as I was feeling, he must've felt ten times worse.
"I miss her too Belly." He looked at me, and for a split second I thought he was going to kiss me. But then he sprung to his feet. "Well I'm beat. I'm gonna hit the sack. See you in the morning Bells." He walked away and closed the sliding door. Him being nice to me was like a present. And here I was, AGAIN. Falling for his bullshit. Oh god.
The next morning, I woke up and it was raining. I guess that meant Jere would be home since the pool would be closed. For some reason my face had dried tears on it. I guess I had cried in my sleep. It hadn't been the first time since Suzanna died. I looked at my clock to realize that it was only 6 a.m. The boys were extremely lazy, and my mom liked her sleep. There was no way anyone else would be awake. I slipped on my shoes and put on a jacket. I basically tip-toed my way down the stairs. I was already in my car before I realized I might need an umbrella, or even a heavier jacket. I didn't care. I turned on the radio for some distraction from my own thoughts, only to hear a song that made me think of Suzanna. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I remember me and Suzanna and my mom dancing around to it in the living room while the boys were out doing something I wasn't allowed to go to. I let it play, because this was a good memory. When I finally pulled up to the cemetery, it was pouring.
"Great. No hood. Good Job Belly." I sighed and got out of my car. I took a deep breath before walking over to Suzanna. I knelt down next to her grave on my knees so my butt wouldn't get wet. There was some dirt on the stop of her hedge stone. I started to wipe it off with my hands as I talked to her.
"So I'm back. It's been a while, I know. It's just hard to think about sometimes, even harder to not think about actually. Conrad and Jere are good, I think that Jere is starting to move on, or at least try." I nodded and took another breath. The rain was coming down harder now. "I know Con is trying. He's trying to be strong for Jere and my mom, but I know he misses you as much as I do and Jere does." I wiped a tear from my eyes. "I miss you so much. I don't know how to move on or how to forget you. Especially here." I stood up and took off my jacket. It was soaking. I put it over her grave, which I realized was pretty stupid but it made me feel better. I didn't like the idea of her out in the rain, even if it wasn't really her. "I love you Suzanna." I let a tear roll down my cheek and turned around to go back to my car. I didn't realize how wet or cold I was until I got in my car. I was shivering pretty hard, but I didn't care. The rain had finally let up a little by the time I got back to the house. 8:40. Hopefully nobody realized I was gone and I could sneak back in. My mom's car was gone. That's good. I got out of the car and quietly walked up to the door. When I let myself inside, the TV was on in the other room, so I quickly started to run upstairs.
"Hey Belly." Jeremiah was leaning against the wall in the kitchen. I turned around, surprised. I looked to the living room and realized Conrad had turned around on the couch and was looking at me.
"Hey Jere. What's up?" I started walking slowly towards the kitchen very casually.
"What happened to you Bells?" Conrad had that concerned older brother look. Jeremiah walked into the laundry room quickly and came back with a towel.
"I just took a walk." I shrugged. Conrad got up off the couch and came into the kitchen.
"Here Belly, you look freezing." Jere wrapped a towel around my bare arms and rubbed me with it to warm me up.
"Thanks." I looked up at him and smiled casually. He took me and led my to the fire in the living room. Conrad followed.
"A walk? Really? Usually people don't drive on walks, but whatever. To each his own." Conrad smirked at me.
"Don't be a smart ass. I drove to the Huck Beach and walked there." I made up quickly. I knew I shouldn't lie to Conrad, but bringing up Suzanna would'nt help them.
"Uhuh." Conrad was being annoying again. Jere positioned me in front of the fire and sat next to me.
"Where's my mom?" I changed the subject.
"She's at the store with Steven." Jeremiah answered me quickly. I popped up quickly.
"I'm going to take a shower. Rain water...it's gross." I hurriedly started up the stairs and ran into my room.