Author's Notes

Inspiration originated when I was reading a HeiShin fiction Sometimes by Pandakitty, a quite long story composed of generally three stages. Fortunate that at the final stage those pains Shinichi had suffered in the first two were eventually comforted, I felt like it wasn't enough though. A considerable long eight-year interval between the only-one-night event and their career thereafter encouraged me to fill in this gap with some reflections on their love of Heiji, who once caused Shinich's heart to broken pieces with that bloody hell I-DID-NOT-MEAN-TO.

Written on and for Shinichi's birthday so that it might serve as both a gift and a painkiller, despite its hopelessly featuring incoherence and ambiguity. Apologize for possibly depicting Heiji as so verbose and sensitive as reflected by this letter, actually they are of my personalities.

I disclaim the possession of any characters here in this writing as they all belong to Aoyama so he could feel free to ruin it with that damn boring childhood-love pairs.

Take it easy. Only Heiji X Shinichi pairing is included.

Happy birthday to eternal-seventeen Shinichi - though did grow older to his twenty-five year in this fiction.

Deep in Momentos

This letter spans five years in the life without Shinichi of Heiji, living through anguish and loneliness in Osaka, planing to move away from his temporal residence where he should have stayed for just a little bit longer since before long Shinichi moved there with his hope to come across Heiji again failed.

—

Dear Shinichi. K,

The present day I'm writing this letter coincides with your 25th birthday - it reminds me of the fact that it's been five years since our last seeing each other and it feels like an eternity. I meant not to count the oozing days until I happened to notice the hanging calendar, superimposing a notable pile of leaves on that page marking your leave.

Long time no hearing from you strengthens my hope that, you shall live a happier life than as I know I did for the first two years. Swung wildly from euphoria to paranoia arising from any peculiar thing my memory picked up from you, your look, your touch, your smell and most clearly your striking confessions, your claim of loving me, that had lingered in my head for long time being. Sounds ridiculous as it might, till now I never have been able to tell that tempting night from dreams or truth when our torsos intertwined obsessively, instinctively seeking the touch of each other. You can hardly imagine how pale I feel opening my eyes in the next morning, realizing that it nearly came to an end, as you said you'd leave right away after your one-night-love wish fulfilled and we were not going to get involved anymore. I could have pressed you to stay longer that next morning, couldn't I? Why it hadn't be an inclement rainy day so that we couldn't move even a single step out of our sanctuary just curling up together waiting for endless "next mornings" when a sad leave is compelled? My thought hopelessly got twisted with such damn rubbish thing without a pause so that it could temporarily shelter itself from being drowned into some really deep internal feelings, such as that I didn't want you to leave; such that I had been into these sweet but rather bitter kisses with you; such that I couldn't bear to imagine a future with no you around me any more; such that...maybe, I could have, if not had it been absolutely impossible, fallen in love you.

Well, that abruptly emerged idea suddenly shocked me into a solid rock unable to think as a sentient human. So I hardly with any thought came out reminding you, or better to say, me of that was it in all to reject any deeper consideration, but only with regret after uttering it out, and even more guilty when I found it made you feel like crying. Frankly I was then thrown into a huge panic. I was afraid of losing control of my behavior that I recklessly drew you forcibly into my arms and pressed my lips onto your tearing face, consoling you that I was not letting you go anywhere anyway and we could be together everyday forever. Just before I could take them done your mention of Kazuha's earlier morning call reminded me of being unrealistic. Then I seized the chance to come up with that devilish excuse. I'm truly sorry Shinichi, I lied to you. It was not a making-peace call from Kazuha but merely an apologize for refusing my proposal of marriage. And neither did it include any damn dating invitation as I pretended there was. I didn't mean to hurt you Shinichi, as I would rather grasp your pain for myself. I just...badly needed some time to digest that breathtaking truth that I might have long been in love with you probably long before the time I could pick out intentionally.

I feel so, so, so sorry that I became the impresario of your anguish, deservedly now mine. As soon afterwards I realized myself being chastised by incurable lovesickness for once breaking your heart deeply. Though this punishment of me can't compensate your great disappointment and desperation when you painfully wondered why I always acted so cruel and so flinty. You wanna see how this punishment carried out on me? Well let me tell you dear. After your gone away I imperceptibly picked up some...abnormal habits, such that I couldn't help throwing myself into a large, deep, full-of-freezing-cold-water bath tub risking catching a bad cold but careless about it; I kept peering at the hazy shifty visage falling on the ceiling dwelling into our bygone accompanied days, one after another sleepless night for months through a severe insomnia; I "accidentally" passed by the train station every time irresistible to recall your painfully thin figure viewed from behind vanishing away, away with some things inside of me. Yes many times I repeated these ridiculous performances to release my heart once it uncontrollably ran up against some pungent feelings. As it was stated just now, something you'd carried off never came back to me even till now so I had no choice but confirmed some part of mine dead.

Well I do have no idea what you are in favor of mine. I just hope it could not be my bold and carefree appearance. Because sarcastically the peaceful facade of my happy and worry-free life could have been so easily shattered as it really was by your leaving. My childhood friend was the first - even earlier than myself - to have figured this degeneration out - "Why'd ya seem gettin so gloomy these days Heiji? Anythin I cou'do for you? Ya know, I just...don wanna see ya like this..." said Kazuha, trembled her voice got. "I mean it...If you missed him so much that every second ya spent with me turn' into a torment..."She took a deep breath, tears dropping fitfully, felt hard but insisted to say: "I hate dating with a corpse. I've had enough of it every time bumpin'to corpses when expectin' romance staying with you. Now that ya and your detective partner both lov'em...please...just go and find him..."She ran away in a second before my stretching arm could hold her, leaving me alone chewing her words.

I must have looked awful then, so awful that my father almost got me badly beaten up and dumped in an isolated spot, but eventually stopped by my mom, who instead took the mild way as being a philosophy mentor who taught me to extend the hours for some substantial and meaningful things, rather than immersing myself into the binge drinking like a decadent down at the heel - they had been kept from the fact I started to try smoking about the same time I firstly took in alcohols since I didn't want myself to look that terrible in their eyes. Just as I was tired of burring myself into piles of assorted junk that had been littering the floor of my disordered bedroom, I decided on another better place for burying myself - workplace, where I could regain those imperceptibly dropped brilliant qualities as they once served to associate our originally-never-interacted lives.

I set up a detective agency last year from scratch, not leaning on any other person's financial support, but totally my own savings kept so far. After an unpromising start where I had to cope with hundreds of freshly minted errands from subordinates and clientele from opening eyes to close them, things were beginning to settle into their own ways. I hired one woman whose glance was so annoyingly keen that could capture my intention of taking the job as a tentative remedy for my painful sickness. Her being so straightforward discomforts me though, an intuition lacking an appropriate linguistic expression drives me to keep her on. You might laugh at my failing to be an eligible detective as easily believing into an intuition. Laugh all you want, I just couldn't wish for anything else but only the truth of this intuition telling me that this excruciatingly long separation will end up with our staying together again. Only in that case could I go through it takes me so long to be pardoned after your grievous tears and voice delivered me the verdict of a culpable heart-breaker.

Pretty much the same with our relationship as adversaries when first encountering each other. We keep it by having both engaged into such a long war of attribution, slaughtering our happiness, incurring heavy wounds in our minds. We could impossibly get fresh from this fight at last, exhausted and incapacitated. There would be no fight tolerated in the future. I want you no my competitor. I want you my partner and I want you my lover.

Would it be better if we remain in our friendship? This is the question I found myself a thousand time asking, and the answer has never taken another alternative. Even though our love could bear a sad end, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. However these momentos hurt me, however they sustain me for the rest of my life.

Remember me with affection, should we meet again some day, I don't want to be the only one of us who could recognize the other's face.

Happy Birthday Shinichi.

I love you more and more each year.

As time goes by.

Forever Yours

Heiji. H

—

Many thanks for your kind reading and love for HeiShin.

And again thanks to Pandakitty for her works' pushing me into tears and smiles.