The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the movies. Just tiny little madness from my tiny little brain.
Spy Agency: A True Story
"Any calls?" Mallory asked as she walked out of her office. "I ask knowing the answer is no." All the members of the Figgis Agency were lounging around in the bullpen.
"Not a one," Pam groaned. She was sitting by the phone having a drink of beer. "And why do I have to take phone calls now?"
"Because we can't trust Glue-ia Child over here to do it!" Mallory glared at Cheryl, who was happily sitting at a table sniffing and eating glue.
"It doesn't matter anyway," Ray sighed as he put down the magazine he was reading. "Ever since the Double Indecency incident we haven't gotten so much as a ring from a telemarketer. Much less a client."
"That may not be all due to the incident," Archer admitted. "I may have had something to do with that. Let's just say I'm on a list now."
"Telemarketers put you on a do not call list?" Cyril asked. "That is bad."
"So is not having any clients for weeks!" Mallory sighed.
"Tell me about it," Cyril groaned. "We need to get some money into this agency and fast. Anyone have any ideas?"
"We could try selling drugs again," Pam suggested.
"And have you eat them all? No way!" Archer groaned.
"I didn't eat all of it last time!" Pam protested. "You guys destroyed or gave away a lot too!"
"We're not doing the drug thing again!" Lana groaned. "What about Cheryl's residuals? You know when she was Ms. Outlaw Country?"
"When I was what?" Cheryl blinked.
"It was a couple seasons ago," Pam sighed. "Never mind."
"Okey-Dokey Chokey!" Cheryl shrugged and went back to sniffing her glue.
"What residuals?" Mallory snapped. "The only person who paid for her music was Calderon and he used a bad check!"
"Well doesn't Cherlene have her album online or something?" Ray asked.
"She does but thanks to free music hackers who distribute her songs like candy corn not too many people are paying," Cyril sighed. "What few people who actually want her songs. The fact that she's a one hit wonder while dozens of other more popular artists are putting their stuff out doesn't help."
"She doesn't even have a record label anymore," Pam said. "They dropped her like an unwanted baby at an orphanage after those fires she set."
"The number one rule of the music business," Krieger said. "Never set the press on fire. At least on live TV."
"So the whole country music thing is a wash," Ray sighed. "What else?"
"We could try arms dealing again," Archer suggested. "I mean we were doing pretty well up until the coup…"
"Pass…" Mallory grumbled.
"How about robot fights?" Krieger asked.
"I'm not even going to ask what made you think that," Mallory sighed. "But the answer is no."
"Damn it!" Krieger grumbled.
"This agency has hit a new low," Mallory groaned. "We've never hit rock bottom before."
"Really?" Lana gave her a look. "This is lower than starting a drug cartel? Lower than being shut down by the government not once, but twice? And the second time literally dumped on the road like garbage? This is lower than that?"
Mallory thought a moment. "Okay third lowest."
"From what I gathered apparently all the other detective agencies knew about the Zissners' choice of activities but us," Cyril groaned.
"Wait, there are other detective agencies?" Archer asked.
"Yes Archer," Cyril gave him a look. "There are twenty-seven in LA alone! And we're the laughing stock of all of them."
"Twenty-seven detective agencies in LA?" Lana was stunned. "I didn't think there would be that many!"
"Well there are," Cyril sighed. "And four of them are huge! With global networks that rival ODIN. And they handle about ninety-five percent of the business of the rich, famous and powerful in this town!"
"Maybe that's why we haven't had that many clients?" Archer blinked. "Because of all the competition?"
"No? You think?" Mallory shouted. "I knew this detective agency was a bad idea! I knew it!"
"We just need a big break," Archer protested.
"We've had breaks!" Mallory snapped.
"Mostly in Archer's bones," Cyril quipped.
"Hey!" Archer snapped.
"Burn!" Ray quipped.
"Well we need to do something besides sit around all day," Lana said. "Something productive. Anything productive."
"How about going to a movie?" Pam suggested as she went to a computer. "There's some good stuff cheap at the Cineplex a couple blocks over."
"A new definition of productive," Mallory groaned.
"That theater also has a bar and sells alcohol," Pam said.
"On the other hand," Mallory thought. "Technically watching a movie is a team building exercise."
"So is coming up with new and interesting ways to get drunk," Lana groaned.
"There's this new movie that's out that got good reviews," Pam said. "It's called Spy Agency: A True Story. Looks pretty good."
"I don't know if I'm in the mood for a drama," Lana said.
"It's not a drama. It's a comedy," Pam said as she looked at the article online. "About the wacky antics of a rogue spy agency. Where espionage and danger take a back seat to backstabbing, bickering and sexual shenanigans among the self-centered spies and drones."
"Lame," Cheryl said. "It would never work as a movie. A TV series maybe…?"
"Work truly is hell at the rogue spy agency HADES," Pam read the online review. "And that makes this movie heavenly. With John Hamm as the suave and insane superspy Archer 'Princess' Silver…"
"Hang on," Archer blinked.
Pam read on. "Who works for his oversexed domineering mother Melody Silver…"
"Hang on," Mallory blinked.
"And with his ex-girlfriend Laura Lane," Pam kept going. "Who is sleeping with everyone but himself…"
"Hang on!" Lana shouted.
Pam kept going. "Espionage, double agents and secrets all take a backseat to the outrageous and hilarious sexual shenanigans of the world's worst spy agency with the world's worst agents."
"HANG ON!" Archer, Lana and Mallory shouted.
"What?" Pam asked. She then realized what she was reading. "Ohhhh…."
"That sounds like…" Archer did a double take. "Although I can see John Hamm playing me…"
"Wait a minute," Ray blinked. "Who wrote that film?"
"Some guys named Reed Adams, Thompson Matthews, Willis Casey and Jane Kapowski," Pam shrugged.
"Huh those names sound familiar to me for some reason," Archer blinked.
"Me too," Krieger frowned.
"Weren't those three guys working in the payroll department?" Cyril remembered.
"Yeah. Ohh…" Pam winced. "And Jane Kapowski…That's Scatterbrain Jane!"
"Wait I thought Jane's last name was…?" Cyril began.
"It was," Pam interrupted. "Remember she was married for a few months to that one guy? Before he got killed?"
"Oh right," Cyril said. "One of Krieger's interns. The one that gave her all those experimental drugs? And got eaten by one of Krieger's monsters?"
"That was her second husband," Pam corrected. "Her first husband who she was only married to for a week. Remember? Agent Kevin Kapowski?"
"That name sounds familiar," Archer blinked.
"It should," Mallory glared at Archer. "Kapowski was one of my top agents. And you killed him with that stupid stunt at that stupid office party!"
"Again, he saw me throwing the darts across the room," Archer said. "What kind of idiot agent just willy-nilly walks into the line of fire!"
"Do you know how much I had to pay that Scatterbrain because you killed that agent by throwing a dart into his ear so hard it punctured his brain?" Mallory shouted. "How do you do that anyway?"
"Well obviously a lot of that was skill," Archer shrugged. "I mean considering how wasted I was…"
"That was rhetorical!" Mallory shouted. "But not the fifty grand I had to pay out of my pocket so she wouldn't sue us!"
"That's when she got married to the other guy that was killed," Cyril remembered. "After what? A few months?"
"That sounds about right," Krieger nodded.
"Now was that the giant lizard?" Pam asked. "Or the robot dinosaur that ran amok?"
"Neither," Krieger groaned. "It was the exploding mouse incident."
"And that incident cost me another fifty grand," Mallory groaned. "That idiot wasn't even that upset!"
"Yeah she was thinking about getting a divorce when that happened," Pam said. "She told me in confidence that it was a mistake. They really didn't have a lot in common."
"That also explains the time we had sex in that hearse," Archer blinked. "I thought she was unusually cheerful for a widow."
"You don't think this movie is about us do you?" Cyril asked.
"It's very likely," Lana groaned. "Judging by this movie poster!"
There was a picture of a well-dressed man in a torn tuxedo with a large buxom African American woman scantily clad draped over him. Behind them were scenes of explosions. An older woman who looked like Mallory wrestling with a red haired woman who resembled Cheryl. A scientist wearing a lab coat and underwear looking a lot like Krieger ordering some radioactive pigs to attack. A large blond woman who looked a little like Pam wrestling an alligator. And another explosion where a man with a slight resemblance to Cyril was flung into the air.
"Is that supposed to be us?" Cyril asked.
"Where the hell am I in this picture?" Ray blinked.
"Who the hell cares?" Lana snapped. "Did our former drones write a movie based on our lives?"
"Archer 'Princess' Silver? Gee I wonder who that is?" Pam laughed.
"Okay we have to see this movie!" Archer snapped.
"There's a cinema about three blocks away," Pam said.
"Yeah Pam and I sneak down there every now and then when Ms. Archer passes out from drinking," Cheryl nodded.
"What was that?" Mallory glared at her.
"I said," Cheryl said louder. "When you pass out from drinking…"
"Never mind," Mallory groaned. "But I do agree with you Sterling. If our good names are being slandered…"
"Good names?" Cheryl interrupted.
"Shut up!" Mallory glared at her. "As I was saying we need to see this film and see how much damage this could do to our reputations."
"How much damage a movie could do to our reputations?" Cyril asked. "An agency blackballed from being spies not just once but twice? Accused of treason and running a failed cocaine cartel as well as a failed country music star career? How bad could that movie be?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh this is bad…" Cyril winced as he watched what was going onscreen. "This is very bad."
"How did they know about Fourth of Ju-Luau?" Pam asked as she ate some popcorn. The members of the Figgis Agency were sitting in the same area of the theatre. "Weren't those guys gone by the time that happened?"
"They were probably reading your stupid blog!" Archer glared at her. "And that scene is wildly inaccurate!"
"Archer," Ray sighed. "I was there. Trust me. That scene is very accurate."
"Other than the fact that we weren't all in our underwear when it happened," Lana said. She looked at Krieger. "Most of us."
"It was hot that day," Krieger protested.
"But I didn't do that with a dead pig!" Archer protested.
"Yeah you did," Lana gave him a look.
"Well not all the…" Archer began.
"You did," Mallory glared at him.
"Oh," Archer blinked. "Well I know I didn't piss all over…"
"You did," Mallory glared at him.
"I did?" Archer did a double take.
"Why do you think I had to replace all my plants?" Mallory shouted. "And called in the carpet cleaners? Twice!"
"Oh…" Archer blinked. "Okay but I didn't do that thing with the spoon."
"You did," Lana glared at him.
"Or smeared that poi all over…" Archer began.
"You did," Ray glared at him.
"But that thing with the coconuts is all made up right?" Archer said. "I didn't…"
"You did," Cyril glared at him.
"But I didn't set that fire!" Archer protested.
"You did," Cheryl giggled.
"Or do that thing with the leis!" Archer began to grasp at straws.
"You did!" Everyone told him.
"Oh…" Archer blinked. "No wonder you guys were so pissed at me."
"Not compared to how pissed I am at the idiots who wrote this piece of slanderous drivel," Mallory growled.
"If they got John Hamm to star in it they can't be that dumb," Cyril said.
"Gotta admit he does look like me," Archer said. "The voice is all wrong but other than that…"
"Speaking of voices," Cheryl snickered as she pointed to the screen.
A beautiful giant of a black woman was on screen wearing only black lingerie. There was a huge firefight going on. "No you listen!" She shouted. "Look at these! Look at these breasts!"
"Oh shut up Laura Lame!" Someone shouted. "No one wants to hear another one of your lectures!"
The Figgis Agency laughed. "It's not funny! I am not lame or do I lecture people all the time!" Lana protested.
"I beg to differ," Archer snorted.
"Wow they really nailed you!" Cheryl laughed.
"I don't run around half naked all the time because my clothes get torn!" Lana protested. "I mean look at her! She's barely wearing anything more than underwear and a bra!"
"To be fair darlin'," Ray said. "That does happen to you a lot."
"Only one or two…" Lana began.
"Dozen times?" Ray gave her a look.
"Victoria secret models don't run around in their underwear as much as you do," Pam quipped.
"Look who's talking," Lana gave Pam a look. "Pamela See More Of Your Ass."
"I never said it was a bad thing," Pam shrugged.
BANG!
"Well Chet got shot again!" Onscreen Archer called out.
BANG!
"And again!" Onscreen Archer quipped.
"The Brett based character getting shot every five minutes is accurate," Archer remarked. "I'll give them that."
"Hey we'd better keep it down," Cyril realized. "We don't want to disturb the other people."
"What other people?' We're the only people in here!" Pam snapped. "I mean the movie started at ten thirty in the morning so…"
"It's a good time to come," Ray said.
"Phrasing," Archer quipped.
"Oh this scene brings back memories," Lana groaned at what was going onscreen. "And none of them good."
"Screw your stupid whale puppet Sam!" Onscreen Archer was beating a large blonde actress on the floor with a puppet. Laura was trying to hold him back unsuccessfully. "Screw your stupid whale puppet!"
"Hey!" Archer protested. "It was a dolphin puppet! Not a whale puppet! And…other than that, what happened onscreen is pretty accurate."
"Painfully accurate," Pam grumbled.
"Archer Melody Silver! CUT THAT OUT! Stop beating up my HR director!" An older woman who was supposed to be Mallory shouted at Onscreen Archer. "It's interfering with my beating up the other employees!"
"Who the hell is that?" Mallory blinked.
"That's Jessica Walter," Krieger said. "Star of stage and screen. She's best known for playing Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development, Evelyn Draper in Play Misty for Me, Tabitha Wilson in 90210, Amy Prentiss on Amy Prentiss, and Fran Sinclair on Dinosaurs."
"Never heard of her," Mallory sniffed.
On screen Melody was standing next to a nervous young man with glasses. "But Ms. Silver," The nervous young man whimpered. "We can't bug the White House! It's technically treason!"
"Treason Schmeason!" Melody sniffed haughtily. "I need to know if the President of the United States is cheating on me with his wife!"
"Oh this is all made up gibberish!" Mallory hissed. "I never said or did any of those things!"
"So help me Frodo!" Melody slapped the young man repeatedly until he fell to the ground. "Are you dead? Damn it! Can't have anything nice!"
"Killing a man by slapping him to death," Ray looked at her. "That never happened?"
"Bilbo weighed almost four hundred pounds and had more cholesterol in him than an In and Out Burger joint!" Mallory snapped. "He was going to blow any second! Nothing like that 160-pound nerd onscreen! This is all taken out of context!"
"As is that," Krieger pointed.
"YEAHHH!" A man that was obviously supposed to be Krieger was in his underwear with electrodes attached to his mind. And also attached to a glowing pig.
"I can explain…" Krieger began.
"We don't want to know," Cyril interrupted him.
"You see the purpose of that experiment…" Krieger went on.
"We don't want to know," Cyril growled.
"I was trying to…" Krieger tried again.
"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Everyone else shouted.
"You don't have to be snippy…" Krieger pouted.
On screen there was a red haired secretary at a desk. "How do I turn this on?" She asked in a ditzy voice. "I keep typing O-N. Why won't it turn on? Oh well! Glue sniffing break!"
"Wow. I wonder who that secretary is based off of?" Cheryl blinked.
"This movie is a total farce!" Lana protested. "It shows us as being self-absorbed, sex crazed gun toting maniacs more interested in partying and screwing each other than doing our jobs!"
"And what part of that isn't true?" Ray gave her a look. "Because that seems pretty accurate to me!"
"They forgot the embezzlement," Krieger told him.
"Nope right there in this scene," Ray pointed. "See how the secretary is embezzling funds from the main computer for a party for the office. And the password is guest."
"Yeah that's pretty accurate all right," Cyril groaned.
"Archer! How could you?" Laura was shouting at Onscreen Archer. Onscreen Archer was in his underwear dancing with several scantily clad women in an elevator.
"Easy!" Onscreen Archer said. "I changed the elevator music! Much better!"
"Okay that part is definitely exaggerated," Archer spoke up. "There were only two hookers in that elevator with me."
"Simon?" Laura gasped as she saw a glasses wearing man also dancing in with the women. He was only wearing his glasses and his underwear.
"Hello…" Simon said sheepishly.
"Again that is exaggerated," Archer shrugged. "Cyril was caught with only one whore."
"And that dance party scene with the generals in my office is a total lie!" Mallory seethed. "Okay there was that one time in Vegas but not in my office!"
"This is slander isn't it?" Lana asked. "They can't technically show this! Mallory didn't you have them sign some kind of confidentiality forms?"
"Yes I did!" Mallory said. "Pam you sent them out and made sure every agent and drone signed them right?"
"Uh…" Pam blinked.
"Hang on," Cyril realized. "I was never given a confidentiality form to sign."
"Yeah when was this?" Cheryl asked.
"I never got one," Ray realized. "Archer did you get one?"
"Wait I was supposed to sign a form?" Archer asked. "I thought I was exempt because my mother ran the agency."
"I never got a form either," Lana realized. "Krieger did you…?"
"Nope, nope, nope," Krieger shook his head.
"Yeah I never really got around to sending those out," Pam shrugged.
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned. "In other words I can't sue these so called writers for breach of contract?"
"Pretty much," Cyril groaned. "You can't sue them for depicting…That incident on screen…Which is up right now."
"Oh dear God," Mallory groaned. "I'd completely forgotten about the Valentine's Day Disaster."
"Now I know that never happened!" Archer snapped. "I never used those candy hearts to…"
"You did," Mallory interrupted. "Again I had to call the cleaners."
"Yeah but I didn't shoot all those arrows…" Archer began.
"Yes you did!" Mallory snapped. "I distinctly remember Brett bleeding from an arrow wound on my carpet!"
"Okay fine but I know I didn't put the lemur in a diaper and…" Archer began.
"Again Archer," Ray growled. "We were there! It happened!"
"Oh…." Archer winced. "Now I understand why I got so many calls from the ASPCA the following week."
"I'm starting to understand how I lost so many employees," Mallory groaned.
"You didn't think it was weird the day after the Valentine's Day Disaster twenty people up and quit?" Cheryl snorted.
"Shut up," Mallory growled.
"And at least two to five people quit every time we had an office party?" Cheryl went on.
"I said shut up!" Mallory growled.
"And we had a lot of parties every year," Cheryl added. "Like at least three or four a month. Five if you were hopped up on pills and absinthe."
"What part of shut up do you not understand?" Mallory snapped. "The Up or the Shut?"
"Some people actually died during those parties!" Cheryl went on. "Like Scatterbrain Jane's first husband! Wow! You think she helped write this to get revenge?"
"It's a very distinct possibility, Cheryl," Cyril groaned.
"Like the fact that I won't be able to show my face in New York for quite a while," Mallory groaned.
At the end of the movie the Figgis Agency left the theatre completely demoralized. "I still don't see why we couldn't have burned that theatre to the ground," Mallory grumbled.
"Yes!" Cheryl grinned.
"No!" Everyone else snapped.
"Mother that wouldn't have done any good," Archer sighed. "They have copies of that movie all over the world."
"So basically…" Lana sighed. "They mishmashed the Quebec Separatist incident, the Conway Stern incident and the Albanian Ambassador incident all in one."
"As well as Cyril's little mental breakdown," Pam added. "Ms. Archer's affairs, Cheryl's several arson attempts, Krieger's crazy experiments and the Fourth of Ju-Luau incident."
"And every freaking party our agency ever had," Cyril groaned.
"I'm not even in this movie!" Ray groaned. "I don't know whether to be relieved or insulted. No wait, relieved. Definitely relieved."
"That's because you weren't interesting enough to write about!" Mallory snapped.
"Well maybe back then," Pam said. "Ray's become a lot more interesting as we've gotten to know him."
"So I can't sue those assholes for breach of contract," Mallory thought aloud. "What about slander? I can do that right?"
"You realize you would have to prove what happened on screen never happened right?" Cyril sighed. "Which means you'd have to open up your files and get interviews from people that worked with you to say that the events on screen were false."
"Oh sure," Ray said sarcastically. "Let's let the whole world know that we were rogue spies in an illegal agency. I bet Trudy Beekman would love that bit of news!"
Mallory frowned. "Damn it!"
"A lot of those people we'd have to interview would testify that a lot worse happened than what was depicted on screen!" Lana realized.
"And I'd bet Ron would especially be interested about your affairs with the head of the KGB," Archer went on. "Another head of a different spy agency and two of your own agents at the same time."
"Technically only one agent but…" Mallory began. "Damn it!"
"Let's face it Mallory," Lana sighed. "They got us. And there's nothing we can do about it."
Mallory began to say something. "Keeping in mind," Lana spoke up quickly. "That if they all did die horrible mysterious deaths there would be an investigation. And no matter how carefully we cover our tracks all signs would still point to us."
Mallory groaned. "Damn it!"
"All they have to do is say they made it all up," Ray agreed. "And if you say otherwise…"
"I get it!" Mallory snapped. "Damn it!"
"Did Trudy Beekman and those other society bitches know what you did for a living?" Cheryl asked.
"Of course not!" Mallory snapped. "They just thought I ran an office. What? You think I just put a sign up outside my door saying 'Mallory Archer, spymaster?'"
"Well they might get a clue if they see this film," Pam groaned.
"It said that the characters depicted were fictional at the end," Cyril said weakly.
"Who the hell reads the disclaimers?" Mallory snapped. "Besides film nerds like you?"
"Lawyers!" Cyril snapped. "Granted that's still me but…"
"Look it's just a dumb movie," Archer said. "Who's gonna watch it anyway? That theater was practically empty."
"That's because the show was at ten thirty in the morning Numb Nuts!" Pam snapped. "Early morning shows are almost always empty!"
"Maybe it won't do well at the box office?" Cyril suggested. "There are a lot of other movies being shown. Most of them are well written dramas with heart and intelligent writing."
"Which are not going to be seen nearly as much as something insane and stupid," Pam gave him a look.
"Damn it!" Mallory groaned.
"Again Cyril could be right," Lana said. "It's only been out a week…"
"And it's already number one at the box office," Pam looked at her phone.
"Damn it!" Mallory shouted.
"And it's also already the sixth highest grossing movie," Pam added. "Within opening week of course. Going straight to fifth with a bullet…"
"Damn it!" Ray snapped. Everyone looked at him. "What? It was my turn to say Damn it!"
"How do you figure that?" Archer asked.
"I wasn't in the movie," Ray grumbled.
"Oh Ramona Queen of the Dessert Table feels bad because she wasn't slandered!" Mallory mocked. "How tragic! Oh my God you weren't mocked! Now I really feel bad!"
"Now I really feel better," Ray smirked.
"And you wonder why you don't get more lines," Pam remarked.
"Hang on," Krieger looked around. "Where's Cheryl?"
"She was here a minute ago wasn't she?" Lana asked.
"Yeah but…" Archer turned around. "Whose turn was it to watch her? Way to go asshole!"
"It was your turn," Mallory gave him a look.
"Are you sure?" Archer asked.
"Yes!" Mallory snapped. "Where did that ding-a-ling ditz go?"
"Do I smell smoke?" Cyril blinked.
"Oh dear God no…" Lana closed her eyes. "No…Please tell me that we're just smelling cigarette smoke or something."
"I would," Krieger looked behind her. "But that would be a lie."
"Damn it!" Mallory screamed. There was now smoke coming out of the theater behind them. As well as the sounds of Cheryl's cackling laughter.
"Can't leave her alone for a minute," Pam groaned.
"What do we do?" Ray asked.
"Uh…Running is a good idea," Archer gulped.
"I second the motion," Cyril said. Right before he started running away. The others followed.
"But what about Cheryl?" Pam asked.
"What about her?" Archer snapped. "I'm seriously asking!"
"If the cops come say we never heard of her!" Mallory snapped.
"But we can't just leave her!" Pam protested.
"Yes we can!" Ray snapped.
"I'm not going back to the joint because of that crazy bitch!" Lana snapped. "Once is enough!"
"True dat," Cyril agreed. "Now that I think about it, the movie wasn't that bad. At least it didn't show the really bad stuff we did!"