I sat holding Bella on her bed. I loved this woman. So much. What a fool I had been to think I could ever live without her. She still didn't look like the old her, she was still more pale then she used to be, and far too thin. But each day there was more color in her cheeks, and I had gone about getting her to gain enough wait for her to be healthy. I gently kissed her forehead, oh how I missed her. Just sitting here holding her was enough for me. Bella's stomach growled, it was so low had I been human I wouldn't of heard it. But she defiantly could feel it and that beautiful blush of hers came out. She knew that I could hear it.

"Bella, love. As much as I hate to have to let go of you, you need to eat. Your father wanted to have lunch with you at the diner, remember? It's about time you go. Remind me to get on Charlie's good graces again before I lose it from having to let you go so much." I kissed her mouth before she could protest.

If I loved her one smidge less then I did, I would push her against the bed right now. I would kiss her the way I had wanted to from the very first kiss. I would bite her and she'd be mine for eternity, all mine. She had no idea of how much I wanted her. But I did love her, so I pulled away. Even though I honestly didn't want to.

"Hurry back to me, love."

"Always." She smiled at me, oh how I loved that smile of hers. She always accuses me of dazzling her. If only she knew of her effects on me. And that silent promise rested me, she'd be back.

"You don't mind if I stay here, do you?"

"Not a problem Edward. Make yourself at home. I'll be back soon. I love you."

"And I you."

She was gone far faster then I would have liked. But in truth I would have preferred if she didn't even come close to leaving in the first place. My eyes drew to her book case. A thing she said she had bought at a garage sell down in Seattle. It wasn't here before I left but now it was, her love of books was always there, but I didn't mind that.

I know that I don't have any problem with the bookcase. I think it is terrific that Bella has a place to put all of her books, I have a problem with her new friend. Jacob Black. There are some times I truly loath being a mind reader. Strange that the only time is when Bella is within the sights of another man. I don't mean my brothers or father, that would be gross, and disturbing, and impossible for that matter also. I mean like the children who go to our school. Erik, and Tyler, and I thought the worse had been Mike Newton. I was wrong. Jacob Black is worse by far. If only there was a way to see Bella's thoughts. It not that I didn't trust her, I knew she didn't want anyone but me. But I couldn't help but want to see what she sees in me. She seems to not look on the surface, but farther in. she sees the true beauty of everything. Oh how I love her.

Just as I turned I saw it, a thick black book. It was new, yet it looked tattered and dog-eared. Strangely it was put in such a way that was meant to hide, even with my superior vampire sense of sight I wouldn't of noticed it if I hadn't turned at the precise angle. I gently picked it up and opened it to the first page. There in Bella's hand righting it said:

I want to die…

I immediately shut the book, this was her journal. I cant read it, I must respect her and give her privacy. Yet, I have to know what I did to her, I understand how I felt. But did I ever truly grasp her feelings? I will read it, not stop at all, she will forgive me. If she was saying she wanted to die, as her love I must find out and protect her. Her protection is my only reason to live. Funny how I once asked her that if you can live forever what do you live for, now I've found it, I live for Bella, and I will keep her safe. I know my mistake, I had wanted to keep her safe physically, I had not even concerned mentally, now I had.

I want to die…I cant go on. Why? Why would he do this? He told me he loved me. He told me I was his life. I guess he lied. I guess it was my fault, I trusted him so completely. He told me don't trust him. I did however, I trusted him. I gave him everything. My heart was his, my life, my soul. I wish his family would have said goodbye. I wonder if any of the Cullen family ever even liked me.

I wish I could kill myself but how? I don't want to leave a mess for anyone. Maybe I could slit my wrists in the bathtub? Then they'd only have to run water, easy. No one would miss me, sure Charlie and Renee would be sad. Renee has Phil, someone to look after her. Charlie seemed fine before I came along, he'll be okay after I'm dead.

The problem is that I cant stop it. It's the dead of winter, and I leave my window open. If he were to ever come back, I know he wont but still, I wouldn't want him to think he wasn't welcome. I know he doesn't want me, it never made sense for him to love me, ever. So the point is moot. I'm alone, I know that. I know I'm all alone. Honestly were I to be honest to myself I take comfort in the bitter cold. I can almost pretend that I feel his arms around me, like he did once. Memories, that's all I have left of the only part of my life worth living, memories. That's what keeps me from suicide, so I can spend years remembering him, and what it was liked to be wanted by him. And for those few brief seconds I don't feel the hole in my heart ripping tearing and burning. Even though after the few blissful seconds I remember it's not him. It was never him really, the one I feel in love with was the real Edward, the part of him that loved me was the part that handled the scent, it was my scent that's all I could ever give him. It was never him holding me, and I always realize that when I pretend he is. It's not him holding me, its just the cold air. And the pain I feel is intensified but anything is worth those few seconds of forgetting that he's gone.

The only other way is from adrenalin. The rush of danger allows me to see him. Really see him, not messed up by my weak human memory, but completely perfect. I don't see him completely, if I did I would be going down alleys and looking for trouble, I only hear his voice. Always perfect, and trying to protect me. And it hurts the least of all.

I don't hate Edward. He has every right to leave, and I only want him to be happy. That's the only thing that means anything. The only small good thing in my life. Somewhere Edward exists. Sure he's having the time of his life while I'm in this small rainy town, and I'm just a memory. A memory that will never be thought of again. But he's happy, that all that matters. that's the only thing that keeps me going. I wish he would of just killed me, or let James kill me in Phoenix. It would have been so much better. I would of died thinking he loved me. Utter bliss. And the thing is I am so screwed up. Even though I feel this hole in my chest ripping and burning me, I'm still happy that I met him. I will gladly live my life with this pain rather then have never of met him. I love him, no matter what pain I have suffered, I love him.

My hands were shaking. My sweet Bella. My sweet, innocent Bella. What had I done?