I've never been...good at relationships; or friendships for that matter. People have always seemed so terribly dull to me - little imagination, little intelligence, and absolutely no observational skills.
Yes, they were always so dull, until John came along.
Something about him is different from the common rabble, in a way that I can hardly place. Despite the fact that we are opposites in many ways, I still find him fascinating. I can't quite control myself around him, either, which I find disturbing. I catch myself staring...
I should be able to control myself better than this. I should be able to not stare, to not act as though anything is different than it was before I realized I wanted him.
I should be able to not think about him - and what's more, I shouldn't feel this strange hope swell in my chest every time I see him. I should be able to close my eyes and not see him, not visualize scenarios and imagine him returning my feelings. I should not want to see that usually-stoic face above me, slack with ecstasy...
Yes, it always was easy for me to push aside these feelings...until suddenly, it wasn't.
And I fear that, in some way, this strange lack of willpower shall be my undoing.