Flowers for a Ghost
Summary: Sulking wasn't badass and he knew that Bella wouldn't have approved. She would be slapping his shoulder going on about some new adventure. But Bella wasn't here to disapprove. Not anymore.
" and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart."
― Jodi Picoult
Jacob had drunk alcohol before, with Bella.
He's sitting on the beach, on a fallen tree, with a drunk eighteen-year-old girl. She's got an entire bottle of tequila in her hand and giggling as she unscrews the cap, twirling around after taking a long swig.
"Where did you get this?" Jacob asks, and she grins.
"I stole it," she says, proudly.
Jacob says nothing in response because she seems happy for once and he doesn't want to ruin her good mood. But inside, he was concerned.
Every day, she seemed to become less and less like the quiet girl that he met on the beach.
"Nice," he states, and she holds the bottle out to him, gesturing for him to drink.
Jacob took the bottle and hesitated.
Their eyes met and he couldn't help but hold her gaze, trying to find some sign of his Bells in them.
"Jake?" she pressed, after a minute and he took a sip.
It had been a flash, but he knew that he'd seen it.
After that first time, Bella had never brought another bottle with her again and he hadn't touched the stuff since…until now.
Now he was sitting on the beach, in the same spot as that day…the same place as where they'd first met, staring out at the ocean as he drank from a bottle of whiskey. He'd snuck into a store and stole it, wondering if Bella had stolen hers from the same store, and how she had felt before she did it.
Was she excited?
Was she sad?
Or was she just numb…like he was when he'd done it?
She's in his garage telling him a story about how she hopped on the back of a stranger's bike outside of a bar.
"That's dangerous," he said, looking up from the bikes, Bella had really damaged them when she crashed this time, "You could've gotten hurt,"
Bella shrugged, her arm in a cast because she'd broken it when she crashed the bike.
"He was just a boring old guy," she says, rolling her eyes, but then a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, "We should get fake ID's and sneak into a bar!"
Jacob watches her, as she goes on, getting wrapped up in her idea. He glances at the cast on her arm, and the bandages on her face.
He knows that he's going to have to put a stop to the bikes.
The clouds are rolling in, and Jacob knows that it's going to rain soon, but he can't bring himself to move. He chugged half of the bottle, relishing how it burned his throat. He knew that the school was probably calling his dad, to tell him that he hadn't shown up for school.
He just didn't see the point anymore.
He looked at the empty bottle in his hand before impulsively standing and hurling it as hard as he could towards the ocean. It hit the water with a splash.
She's kissing a boy that he doesn't know.
Jacob looks away, ignoring the pang that echoes through his chest.
He knows that this boy is nothing. She probably doesn't even know his name. She just wants to start something with his girlfriend who Bella had described earlier as "A real blonde bitch,"
He glances back in her direction to see her pushing the boy she'd been kissing away and turning around to face the blonde girl storming in their direction.
She glances over and meets his gaze, smiling like her favorite show was about to start.
Jacob stared at the waves, thinking about how the rest of that night had played out. He'd barely managed to break up the fight, treating her wounds in the upstairs bathroom of her friend's house, while she gushed about how badass she was.
Sulking wasn't badass and he knew that Bella wouldn't have approved. She would be slapping his shoulder going on about some new adventure.
But Bella wasn't here to disapprove.
Not anymore.
It was the middle of the night and for some reason, Bella had climbed in through his window.
"Are you awake?" she called, "I got the fake ids. Want to go sneak in a bar?"
"I'm trying to sleep," Jacob groaned. "I have a test tomorrow,"
"So do I," Bella laughed, and sat on the bed next to him, "That's why I'm skipping tomorrow."
Jacob said nothing, and Bella laid down beside him.
"I had a bad dream," she said, quietly and Jacob wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jacob asked, already knowing the answer.
"No,"
She was warm pressed against his side, and Jacob could feel her heart beating. It felt nice.
"Jake?"
"Yeah?"
"Kiss me," she said, her voice cracking, "Please?"
Jacob leaned over until his mouth was inches away from hers, then hesitated.
"Have you been drinking?" he asked, and she shook her head, before closing the distance on her own.
It was his first kiss and it was a good first kiss.
They fall asleep facing each other and she's gone when he wakes up.
His head was spinning a little and he reached into his pocket, pulling out something silver.
As he gazed down at the bracelet that he'd made for Bella, his hand clenched, causing it to dig into his palm.
He wondered why she had taken it off.
He rolled up her sleeve to slip on the bracelet and paused.
The cuts were fresh, still red and puffy.
"Bella…" he trailed off, holding her arm, and she wouldn't look at him,
She pulled her arm back, pulling down her sleeves, before pulling her legs up to her chest, hugging them tightly.
"How long have you been cutting?" Jacob asked, carefully, and she shrugged.
"A few weeks," she mumbled, and he reached out, silently asking for permission to see.
She held out her arm, and he rolled up her sleeves, before brushing his fingers over the lines.
"Don't do it anymore," Jacob broke the silence, "Please,"
He stares into her eyes and she turns her head away.
"Okay," she says, and he lets go of her arm, slipping on the bracelet, before taking her hand and lacing their fingers together, "Want to go steal a candy bar from the grocery store?"
Jacob tries to smile, but it won't stay on his face, so he just nods.
He considered throwing it into the ocean.
It hurt to look at it.
But it would hurt even worse if it were gone.
He closed his eyes, fighting back tears, but quickly opened them again when he found that Bella's sad eyes were waiting in the dark.
Those heartbreakingly sad, hollow eyes.
He was on top of her, arms on either side of her as his warm forehead pressed against her cool one. He took in everything from her soft brown eyes, her soft, pale skin, her dark hair that managed to spread itself on his pillow.
She was like porcelain and sometimes he worried that she was going to shatter at his touch. But then he remembered that she'd already been broken once and that he would always do everything in his power to make sure that nothing like that ever happened again.
He pressed his lips to hers and then pulled away with a smile.
She gazed up at him, her cheeks flushed, but her eyes happy.
Jacob grinned and pressed their foreheads together again.
"I love you,"
He didn't understand.
He knew her better than anyone. He'd always been able to predict what she was going to do or at least understand why she was doing something.
But this?
This, he would never be able to understand.
Sure, she sometimes would get sad…she was almost always sad.
Of course, Jacob was always there trying to cheer her up and getting her to smile.
And it worked…it almost always worked.
They were on the beach, Jacob's battery powered radio playing music, while they sat on the fallen tree.
"It's going to rain soon," Jacob commented, and Bella nodded, "Do you want to head back?"
The piercing boom of thunder made them jump and Bella laughed, softly.
"No," she said, gazing at the ocean, "I don't mind a little water,"
"You hate it when it rains," Jacob laughed.
"That was before I found my own personal sun," she joked.
"I love you," he sighed.
"I know," she cuddled closer to his side and the conversation trailed off.
The radio was playing a song, some woman singing about loving someone for thousand years.
Jacob thought it was pretty, but then a sniffle came from his left. He looked over at Bella, who was still watching the ocean, but tears were streaming down her face.
Jacob turned off the radio.
"No!" Bella reached around him to turn it back on, "I'm sorry. Just let it play. I- I like it."
"Really?" Jacob replied, "Because you look like you're crying,"
"No, it...it just reminds me of…" she trailed off, wiping her cheeks with her fist.
"Of him," Jacob said, quietly, and she said nothing.
They both watched the clouds darken until the water spilled from the sky into the ocean. His radio wasn't water proof so it met its end, but Bella's hand found his and he figured it was a worthy sacrifice.
They didn't mention the song again.
He never thought that she would give up.
He never thought that she would just decide to end it.
Now, here he was…sitting on the beach…drunk…and alone.
Jacob sighed.
He just didn't understand.
Bella had been getting better.
Over the past couple months, Jacob had had the treat of seeing Bella smile a real genuine smile, and he'd heard Bella laugh.
Not the weird laugh she let out when she was doing something dangerous, or when she was drunk. He'd heard the soft laughter that could only come from genuine happiness…or so he thought.
Why?
It wasn't like he didn't know Bella was still hurting. Jacob had been on the receiving end of many late night phone calls, or visits. He'd rushed her to the emergency room when her quest for that rush went too far. He'd cleaned her cuts and had been pleased to see no new ones appearing. He knew that the mention of him would make her burst into tears.
But he was here and he'd been trying to put her back together the best he could.
Now, he was worried about what he hadn't seen.
What he might have missed.
He knew that Bella had a problem with being alone. But he was always there for her. He was always patient. He was always waiting in the wings to catch her when she fell.
So, why would she go alone?
Bella had seemed…happy, and Jacob didn't think that was an act.
It couldn't have been… could it?
She comes to him in the middle of the night, creeping in quietly through his bedroom window. She crawls in under the covers beside him and his arms wrap instinctively around her, pulling her close. She burrows into his chest, tucking her head into the crook of his neck, and he kisses her forehead.
"Bad dream?" he asks and feels her shake her head.
"I'm sorry for waking you up." She whispers.
"Don't worry," he says, "You know that you can come to me anytime, right?"
"I love you," She says and he freezes because it's the first time she's ever said it back.
"I love you too," he says, moving back a little so that he can see her.
She smiles a little and presses her lips against his.
"I've been wanting to say that for months," She whispers, her eyes glowing. "I just couldn't get the words out,"
"Well, I'm glad you did," he smiles back.
Then her face goes sad, and tears spill down her cheeks.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," she says.
"You'll never have to worry about that," he promises and she moves closer to him, her body pressing entirely against his. "Bella…?"
"It's alright," she smiles, through the tears, "This is the only thing that I haven't done. It's an adventure I was waiting to try with the person I love,"
"I love you so much," he breathes, before pulling her close.
It had been a night to remember and she'd still been lying beside him when morning came. He made her breakfast and they skipped school to spend the day lying in bed, just loving each other.
Jacob looked at the bracelet again.
He'd really thought…
It felt like half of his soul was gone now. Half of his heart.
He couldn't even remember what life was like before Bella pulling into his driveway with two motorcycles and a secret.
Jacob heard the sound of sand shifting beside him and opened his eyes, not even realizing that he had closed them.
Bella was sitting next to him, hugging her knees to her chest as she looked out at the ocean, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
Jacob closed his eyes again and opened them, but she was still there.
She didn't try to talk to Jacob, just sat there quietly.
She didn't look like Bella, but he knew it was her. Her hair was different, her skin looked paler, and she appeared to be wearing makeup.
"I won't forgive you," he choked out, "I'll never forgive you,"
"Okay," Bella said quietly, not shifting her eyes from the waves.
"Why did you do it?" Jacob snapped, unable to stop himself.
Bella flinched.
"I don't know." Bella whispered, "I thought…I just wanted the pain to stop,"
"You had me," he wondered if he was crazy, sitting on the beach talking to a ghost.
Bella said nothing and rested her head on her knees, and her eyes flickered down to Jacob before they returned to the sea.
"Why are you here?" he finally asked, when he realized that she wasn't going to respond.
"I… just wanted to make sure you're okay." Jacob snorted at that but didn't say anything. "And I…I wanted to say that I'm sorry,"
"You're sorry?" Jacob growled, shaking, "You can't apologize! It's not going to fix anything! You're dead, Bela!"
She turned to him with those sad brown eyes and he wanted to laugh.
He wanted to cry.
His throat hurts and he looked away.
He felt the bracelet dig into his hand, drawing blood.
He was angry.
He was mad at Bella for dying.
He was mad at himself too.
For not being right beside her to offer her another solution.
He should have been there.
But maybe that just would have been stalling.
She hadn't wanted to move on.
She just wanted to wait for someone who was gone.
Someone who told her that she wasn't enough.
But he was the one who wasn't enough.
He couldn't even keep the woman he loved from killing herself.
"Why wasn't I enough?" he asked.
"It wasn't you, Jacob." Bella sighed, "I wasn't…I knew that I…I couldn't—
"
Jacob choked back a snort and cut her off, "You don't have an excuse, do you?"
"No," Bella admitted, and all the anger drained from him, as he opened his hand, offering her the bracelet.
She didn't take it.
"I love you," she said, and that made the damn explode.
The tears came, followed by sobs.
"Jake?" Bella sounded concerned, and he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to stop crying but he couldn't.
Jacob swiped the back of his hand across his face to wipe the tears, but they just kept coming.
"I loved you so much," he stopped struggling and just let the sobs come.
Memories of Bella haunted him mercilessly, of her happy. Of her sad, of her wanting to get in trouble, of her saying she loved him. They morphed and turned into memories of Bella kissing him, of Bella laughing, of their first time, of their last time, of Bella stepping off of a cliff, falling …
"Please, stop crying," She says quietly.
"I'm sorry." he says, "God, I should've been there. I should have stopped you,"
"You couldn't have stopped me." She said, "I wanted this. I chose this,"
"I loved you more than anything, Bella," Jacob stands up, not looking at her.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," she said, standing up to.
"Then why did you?"
"I'm sorry," she said, "I wish I could take it back!"
"Yeah." he says sadly, "I wish you could too,"
He walks away, leaving behind the ghost of the woman he loved.
Author's Note: Okay, so I don't really know what to say on this one.
I just had the idea of Edward not coming back for Bella when he did. I wondered how far she would have gone to get that rush and how far Jacob would have gone to be with her.
(Jacob never phased in this story)
Please Review and let me know what you think.