Title: Colourful Metaphors
Author: dem bones
Genres: Parody/Humour
Pairings: Harry/Hermione, Ron/Luna.
Summary: AR that takes place after Secret Weapon. Harry and Hermione attend a Harry Potter convention, answer questions and play a little game...while I mess with your heads
Warnings: Mentions of crossdressing. Unspecific presences of real life people that could be interpreted as anyone.
Betaed by Trollnexus.
Word count: 1,799 words based on ff word count.
A/N 1: Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition-Round 9 where the Captain chooses what he/she thinks we like to write and I get picked Harry/Hermione and have to write about their necessity. Prompts: Blind (word), Bustling (word), "The secret of happiness is not doing what one loves, but loving what one does"-J.M. Barrie (quote)
A/N 2: An Alternate Reality fic that takes place after 'Secret Weapon', a fanfic that actually has a legitimate excuse for why H/HR together and doesn't just make the reader assume that it was already present in the books.
"The secret of happiness is not doing what one loves, but loving what one does." – J.M. Barrie
A certain author who could not only potentially sue me but also, due to the strict guidelines of this website, must remain unnamed had invited Harry Potter and Hermione Granger to a Harry Potter convention in London.
This author happened to be humbly acquainted with Harry Potter and his wife Hermione Granger, even writing a story under their support. Of course, the author had indeed left out every bit of information on the fact that Harry and Hermione were husband and wife at the end of the books...something about wanting the sense of wish fulfillment one gets in having the two most incompatible people end up together.
Harry allowed the author this indulgence, because damn it, an author shouldn't have to cater to the masses of people who believed he and Hermione should have gotten together. She's the damn author; she could have done whatever the heck she pleased. It was her work, and honestly Harry didn't care if she 'flubbed' it up. After all, that was what fanfiction was for.
He sighed. Most of his day had been rather taxing with his boss harping on him, and to top it off, it seemed Hermione had a prior engagement. According to her letter she had to clear something up, and it was very important.
All on the day before the damn Harry Potter convention. This was supposed to be the day that he could revel in the fact that the crowds in there never paid him any mind and he wasn't treated like dirt. His wife, it seemed, was always busy; if he wanted comfort any time his boss treated him like dirt, she was busy with paperwork.
By the next day she still wasn't back, and as the minutes passed Harry began feeling uncomfortable in the nice clothes he had decided to wear as he waited for Hermione to return, hoping to receive another letter telling him that she would in fact meet him at the house.
When one wasn't forthcoming, Harry assumed Hermione was in fact meeting him at the convention and stepped outside his home, Apparating outside the convention in London.
Inside the place was bustling with people, and it was when he spotted someone who looked almost exactly like him sitting at one of the tables at the convention that someone poked him on the shoulder.
Harry turned around and saw Hermione. Her hair was long and slightly curly, but in such a way that it didn't look like a lion's mane. She wore a long beige trenchcoat, flared black trousers and black heels but it totally seemed to fit with her face, which was practically caked with makeup. Her face was flawless, her eyes seemed to be highlighted with eyeliner that covered most of her eyelids, and her lipstick was a ghastly glimmering purple.
All in all, she looked tolerable, and he honestly couldn't complain, but he shuddered with Hermione practically leeched to him.
It was while exploring the convention that he eventually ran into Ron and Luna, who were talking with two people who also looked exactly like them.
"Hey Ron."
Ron turned.
"Oh hi, Harry, didn't see you there. Guess who these people are?" he asked, pointing to the two lookalikes.
"Are they important?"
Ron, it seemed, wasn't paying attention however, his eyes completely focused on Hermione.
"Why are you wearing so much makeup?" He asked. "You never wear that stuff; you wouldn't even know where to start."
"You don't think I could learn? I might be what you consider unfeminine, but at least I could learn. Last I heard you weren't even past wearing a girl's panties...talk about unmasculine."
Ron blushed.
"There's nothing wrong that," Luna said. "I happen to think men wearing female lingerie is...special."
"At least I'm always there for my spouse; you always have work. It's a wonder you two even married with the way you two inevitably avoid each other."
Much to Harry's shock, Ron's words seemed to cause tears to form at the corners of his wife's eyes. 'What do I do?' he thought.
"I see your husband doesn't even come to your defence."
'I shouldn't even have to.'
Hermione glanced at Harry and turned away, huffing.
"What are you playing at Ron? I don't want to play games," Harry said sternly.
"Just indulge me this once; you won't regret it unless you think I know more about my own spouse than you do about yours."
Harry's green eyes flashed.
"You're on."
Ron talked with his lookalike, telling Harry that his lookalike would be hosting the questions.
"What are your spouses' hobbies?"
"Researching magical creatures," Ron said.
"Cooking and reading," Harry said.
"What are the most likable things about your spouse?"
"She's not afraid to do the most unexpected things and she's very smart."
Harry glared at Hermione.
"She has a spine and doesn't give off the impression that she shatters like glass even when you insult her."
"Now I have a question for your wives. If you could have another guy who would you pick?"
"I'm fine with my decision."
"Only Harry," Hermione said.
"Pity, because right now, Ginny is looking rather hot and I wouldn't mind shagging her."
"How dare you? HOW DARE YOU BRING THAT FANGIRL INTO THIS?!"
Harry's lips curled in what looked to be a mysterious smile.
"You're not Hermione, are you?"
The anger died on the woman's face.
"How did you know?"
"You already know the answer to that," Harry said. "You practically act as though you shatter like glass around me and you cling to me like an overattached girlfriend, when my wife in reality is both a strong-willed and manipulative woman who simply gambles on the fact that someone will believe her sob-story. She also has numerous fantasies about Snape, Draco and Ginny and I think you might have insulted her when you insinuated that Ginny is nothing but a fangirl."
It was after he said these things that he heard a loud clapping noise from behind him.
"Good job."
Harry whirled around and saw Hermione standing there smugly with her hair tied in a messy bun and glanced at her prettily flawed face, including her chapped lips, her bushy eyebrows and her messily arranged clothes.
It looked as though she had been freshly shagged.
"Why are you late?" Harry snarled.
"Well excuuuuse me. A couple of days ago, I wrote a letter to the Daily Prophet after Rita Skeeter wrote in article insulting me and the husband who I married...saying that you would cheat on me with Ginny and I still had eyes for Ron Weasley...so I saw it prudent to write some letters to the paper, thoroughly explaining our relationship in layman terms," Hermione said.
"Wait, you don't mean you actually wrote the details..." Harry asked, his face red.
"I did, because I know how much it turns you on. It was a necessity."
"It doesn't turn me on."
"After that I may have added some colourful metaphors to prove my point but unfortunately when I came to work that evening, I was placed in Azkaban for sexual harrasment and resisting arrest. Luckily your boss bailed me out."
Ron coughed.
"So then let me guess: you are also one of the actors in the Harry Potter movies?" Luna asked.
"Wait, actors?" Harry said, before he took Ron by the collar of his shirt and shook him frantically. "Why didn't you tell me? You know I don't cope very well with surprises."
"I tried to tell you but you were too long gone. Now let go of me," Ron pleaded.
Harry took Hermione in his arms and placed a kiss on her forehead before her lips approached his ear.
"How are you enjoying your gift so far? You did say it was a necessity." Hermione whispered softly.
"It is; I feel I'm about to burst. The boss has been working me overtime and you're never there."
"I've been busy; you know that."
"Am I the only one that finds all of this strange?" the Hermione lookalike asked. "I mean you and Hermione and your relationship totally conflicts with my acting in the movies. I always thought the two of you would have a happily ever after. I never expected tension so great that the two of you might has well have been a Draco/Hermione couple."
Hermione looked at her in disgust.
"I take it you interpreted our relationship to be a fluffy sappy mess with us declaring our love for each other and sticking with each other to the end, even though practically all our interactions in the books are just as bad as I believe you described Ron. Oh and before you start pointing fingers, Harry also wears drag underneath his clothes as well. Ginny got him into it," Hermione said. "I bet you didn't even picture her to be so kinky."
"Don't you think your husband's a little cold though?
"He was being frank and honest and if he didn't have to stoop to your level he would have pointed out every single flaw in your acting. He's not blind. I mean you act like I'm made of glass and to be frank I'm quite offended...my whole fanbase will probably characterise me like that in all Harry/Hermione fanfiction now and I'm supposed to be an independent lady," Hermione said. "If I want coddling I would have married Ron. I mean most would think he's abusive with the amounts of rumours going around about how all our conversations end with a lot of tears on my part, but then again...men don't cry."
After the convention Harry and Hermione went home.
"So did you enjoy it, Harry?" she asked as soon as they got into the door.
"You have no idea. The masses of people there really raised my spirits. Did I tell you how much I love you? How will I ever repay you?"
"You already have. I heard what you said to her. It was so cute what you said. Only you would be so blatantly obvious about your humble regard towards me and still love me," she said.
Harry brought her chin up and kissed her on the lips. Harmony was the gift that never quit giving. It was the start and it would be the end.