A/N: Hola! This is my very first blindspot fanfiction and my first fanfiction in quiet some time so really let me know what you think, what worked and what didn't. I'm not quite sure I got the characters right and it got a little long. Otherwise I hope you'll enjoy it :)
She had been running on low batteries for weeks and she knew it. She kept going because when no one valued your life, well, you didn't really find the worth either. She had been recharging in that motel where the team had found her to bring her back, recharging after three months of torture by the hand of yet another government agency. Suffice to say that them taking her back didn't help with that plan, if possible it only managed to destroy her further. Within a few minutes in their presence they had managed to break something in Jane that the CIA never could. Because the CIA didn't use to be her family, the only people she had known and loved. They were strangers she only associated with pain and with pain she could cope. And they had never talked except for asking her all the questions she had never even thought of answering. She used to be destroyed by the lack of words, had wished that someone would just come up and talk to her, give her something resembling human interaction.
Now she almost wished that no one would talk to her ever again. She had always been hyper alert to her surroundings and given that she didn't have many memories she had always absorbed everything someone said to her, cherishing it, learning from it. Nowadays, even though she was still conscious of everything going on around her, she did her best to tune off the sub tone of a message directed to her because she had learned that it always said the same thing: You can't be trusted. We hate you. You deserved it. You are a murderer. We don't want you here.
She kept going in a downward spiral that seemed to reach deeper the deeper she fell, never really letting go of her but never really giving her a way out either. She was trapped. Worst of all, she didn't really want to snap out of it because really, what was the point? She had no one to fight for, least of all herself.
Her days consisted of getting up after a night spent barely sleeping - if at all after nightmares haunting her all for hours on end – drinking coffee, being brought in to the office by her newly assigned security detail – this time almost certainly to keep her in – going to the gym, the psychiatrist and out in the field, all the while ignoring everyone else around her the best she could. Her first days back she had spent hoping some miracle would happen and they would be able to look at her with something other than hatred someday again. She had given up on those dreams weeks ago. She only ate as little as she needed to survive the day without fainting – she couldn't really show weakness, could she? –her fluids she took in coffee and coffee only. Water reminded her of her drowning sessions at the black site and the shower already took care of that.
It was on one of those days – really they were all the same to her – when she overheard them talking about her. She was on her way from Dr. Bordon's office to the bullpen to see if something came up that requested her presence when she stopped short of the last corner, preparing herself for the hateful glares she was about to get, when she heard Zapata's voice.
"She's getting thinner and thinner. I don't think she's eating enough, if at all."
"Why do you care all of the sudden?" That was Reed, she could practically hear his eye roll and shrunk further back into the wall, not wanting to be found listening in on them because she was fairly certain they were talking about her.
"Well", Zapata gave back flippantly, "This entire case depends on her making it through the next few weeks and I don't really see that coming given her self- destructive rate at this moment."
"She did get tortured for three months. You wouldn't expect someone to just be fine after that", retorted Reed and after a short break added, "She does seem a little lost in the mission, as if there's nothing else holding her in this world."
Another break, longer this time, in which Jane didn't dare to even breathe and then: "You're right. She probably knows she's the pawn for both sides. I just hope she makes it to the end of this charade for our sake."
She didn't go to the gym after that. She didn't make it into the bullpen either. She fled the sight and took as many turns as she dared to without being questioned about her intentions and directions. She broke down in one of the smaller offices in the west wing she'd never been to before. She didn't even make it to one of the chairs or even the couch in the hallway, she simply stopped as soon as she stepped over the doorstep and saw the room empty. She stopped and every muscle in her body seemed to stop working at once. She fell to the floor, not catching her fall, not making a sound, not feeling the impact. For a moment she just put a halt on her whole existence, no breathing no thinking no being. But that only lasted for so long. After what felt like an eternity but really probably only was about a minute she blinked and with that simple motion everything came rushing towards her, carrying her towards a very small brink and leaving her hanging to decide what to do from here on.
At some point she got up and got going, having dried her tears and numbed her mind she pushed herself to the gym and pushed her work out even harder than usual. Of course no one noticed the new bruises – they'd have to see the other ones for that first – but for her they felt like a wakeup call whenever she came against them, felt the pain.
She knew she had to keep going, not for herself but for the team. They were caught up in this mess that she created with her mission and that they had never wanted any part in. She owed it to them to put her everything in this fight, to win for them. She had to make it right again. She was going to take revenge on Sandstorm, on Sheppard and on herself for them. It would be the last thing she would be doing but that was fine with her. She had nothing to look forward to anyway and she wanted to give something back to the people that had given her so much hope in her first few months of her new life. She could do that.
Over the next few weeks she began stepping up her game in the field and the gym but also at home by starting to take care of her body for the first time in a long time. In between working for the FBI, working for Sandstorm and reporting back to both of them she started learning how to cook.
Her first try consisted of two fried eggs and two slices of toast, both horribly burnt and almost unidentifiable. But she kept going and at least that way she always had some breakfast. She also made it a habit to shop actual groceries, preferably stuff you could eat without cooking like veggies and fruits. It was something other than the take out she had lived on for so long but still not the real deal.
She hated asking for help and in this case she didn't even know who to ask. The team? Hardly. She had scoffed at the mere thought of her going up to any one of them to ask them to teach her how to cook. They made it pretty clear they didn't want anything to do with her at that point. And who else had she? Shephard? She hardly seemed like the domestic type and she didn't expect Roman to be able to cook.
But the latter surprised her one day when they were sitting in the cafeteria of the compound – for the first time they kept her overnight and didn't keep her in that one room for the whole time – and she was poking around in her fried veggies, not being able to really identify them. Roman looked at her in amusement and told her that it had been easier when it was just the two of them and sometimes a few team mates with their own kitchen.
"Wait, we could actually cook?" she replied in mock surprise.
"Of course we could cook. Well", he looked at her for a moment probably thinking about what he was allowed to tell her and then deciding that it couldn't hurt, "I could cook. You on the other hand chopped the veggies for me because for some reason you never did figure out how to not burn stuff." The look he gave her just then was filled so much fondness and longing for a time that might never come back pulled at her heart and she returned his smile softly.
When she looked back down on her plate and then back up at him she had a twinkle in her eyes that made him narrow his eyes at her and wait for her to speak up because there was clearly something on her mind.
"Would you teach me?" she asked and when she saw his immediate reluctance she hastily added, "I live on my own and I'm tired of living off of take out and burnt toast. The first time I tried to cook after… after the memory wipe.. I almost burnt down the first safe house they put me in… I stopped after that." She could see his resolve crumble slowly and a grin appeared at her last words so she continued, "It's not really nutritious. Honestly I have no idea how I made it this far without proper food!" She glanced up at him through her lashes putting on the most persuasive look she could manage, she had a feeling he had never been in the habit of denying her anything, especially something as innocent as teaching her how to cook.
Soon enough he slowly started to nod his head, his brows furrowed, probably thinking about how they would be able to accomplish her wish.
"Well" he started, "I think there's a smaller kitchen around here somewhere and you're here pretty often as it is…" He looked up at her, "but we can't keep you here much longer. Otherwise they are going to get suspicious. But… I think we could manage to do that every once in a while."
The smile they shared after that felt so much like a long lost life that she had to blink away tears when she realized once again that she had a brother now. Someone who loved her unconditionally. And she was in the act of betraying their mother and him in extension… She had to find a way to keep him safe.
That had been the start of something resembling normalcy for only the second time in Jane's life that she could remember. Roman started teaching her the basics in the small kitchen at the compound she had gotten to know a little bit better over time – she was still blindfolded on her way there and out but she sensed that they started to trust her a little more, her brother especially.
And even when they weren't in the kitchen trying out new fancy dishes like spaghetti with pesto and chopped tomatoes, he always shared some helpful tips that she took to heart and kept in mind, getting better at the simplest things.
From now on she always took a packed lunch with her to the office, managing to eat it when the tension around her wasn't as unbearable at times. Sometimes she could even swear that she saw Patterson looking at her thoughtfully and with a little smile on her lips. She always tried to return it but kept to herself otherwise. If the team noticed the change in her eating and drinking – she had started drinking water more regularly and didn't live just off coffee anymore– habits they didn't comment on it and even though her real concern was still to get her body into top fighting shape to protect them.. on the way there she started feeling like a human being again.
It was all very slowly but the talks with Roman and the changes she saw in her body after having mistreated it for such a long time, gave her hope and that managed to put the fight back into her. She wouldn't show anyone, though, she kept quiet, keeping her head down, only speaking when spoken to and agreeing to whatever suicide mission anyone had for her.
One time when she found herself in a pretty critical situation with Roman next to her, their backs pretty much backed up at the wall behind them and five people running towards them she had looked at him in concern and had only found him grinning at her slyly. At her confused glance he had explained "We used to have that saying way, way back.. at the orphanage where we didn't have much to defend ourselves… we used to say 'We might only have one match but we can make an explosion'" He loaded his gun and told her to do the same, "What I'm saying is that we got out of worse situations with less. So let's make that explosion." And then he had started forward and she had followed without a second thought.
I might only have one match but I can make an explosion. That had become her mantra from that moment on and it surprised her how much solace she took in those words in various situations.
Slowly Jane realized that she didn't want to be done after finishing this mission of hers. Surprised at herself she realized just how much fight she had still left and how the fire returned slowly, keeping her warm and sharp and hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, she could do this.
Her mornings now consisted of a real breakfast – she didn't even burn the eggs anymore – her morning workout routine – she got back so much back of her original strength – and then meeting up with the team or going to Dr. Borden – not even that seemed as bad anymore as she started healing from the inside out.
But the relationship with the team was still mostly cold in contrast to what Agent Kamal wanted them to believe, it wasn't that easy to go back to where they had been before, it would take time. Time they didn't have. They had to depend on each other and trust each other implicitly which they didn't in the office but learnt to, in some way, in the field. It was the closest she imagined she would ever get to her former family ever again. She still felt the longing in her heart, the wanting to be part of their after- work- plans but that life just wasn't for her. So she kept glancing at them, at Kurt, only when she was sure they weren't looking and burying her dreams deeper than ever as to not let them distract her.
As much as she hoped to survive her mission, even if she did get to have a life after that, it wouldn't be here with them, of that she was certain.
She started talking to Nas and Kurt about bringing Roman on their side, having him help her and making a deal for him. They didn't even listen to her the first few times but she wouldn't stop. She couldn't imagine her life without her brother in it and she would damn well make sure she would save him. She had gotten Nas to make a sort of promise that, if Roman stepped up against Shephard, she would talk about a deal with him.
For a long time nothing really changed and they just kept going, solving tattoo cases and Jane leaving with Sandstorm ever so often but then one day they changed their routine in how they would take her in and she started seeing, smelling, and feeling things on her way to the compound. She made sure to let Patterson know about all the little things she noticed and after two weeks the Agent had enough details to actually locate Sandstorm. For the first time in this war they might have the upper hand, they just had to use it.
"We can't just charge into the compound and start shooting!" exclaimed a frustrated Weller and shot Nas a dark look, "This is still my team to command and what you are suggesting is a suicide mission. I'm not going to risk my agents' lives like that."
"Kurt" Nas cut in before he could keep going about just how bad of an idea he thought this was, "It is our first and probably only chance to stop this before they start Phase Two. We still don't even know what Phase Two is! But the longer they have time to prepare the worse the outcome will be. We have to try!"
The whole team stood in Patterson's lab after the blonde had excitedly texted them that she had found the location and Zapata was all for Nas' plan to charge into there as Kurt had put it.
"Weller" the young Agent said now, "You know she is right. We have to stop Sandstorm. If we are not going to use this opportunity, everything will have been for nothing. All the times we nearly died trying to stop her and" she cast a quick glance towards her former friend who listened to their exchange as quietly as usual, "Everything Jane did and risked for us will have been for nothing. And when they launch Phase Two then, well.. We'll be the ones to blame and I don't want to take that kind of responsibility" she ended her statement fiercely.
"What exactly is your plan, Tasha?" a frustrated Weller wanted to know. He seemed so tired just then, "According to Jane's observations there are too many highly trained people… soldiers really… how do you expect us to hold them down? Send in an army?"
"We might not need an army." It was the first time Jane had spoken to any of them today and the first time she actually spoke up in one of their meetings. Five pairs of eyes turned toward her and she squared her shoulders and looked Kurt in the eyes for the first time since she had been back. "I could go in. I know the area and the building and the people. I could plant enough explosives around the compound to destroy most of their arms and draw them out for you to take them down from the outside."
As soon as she had finished everyone began talking at the same time, probably mostly telling her how they would not send her in there alone. The only one not saying anything at all was Nas. She had her eyes trained on Jane who stared right back at her and nodded slowly.
Without paying attention to the others, Jane started talking again, her eyes never leaving Nas', and as she did she spoke very deliberately. "When I do this", really she didn't think anyone would have a problem with her going in, "I want a deal." Nas wanted to say something to her but Jane cut her off, "For me and Roman. I'm going to need help in there and he will help me, I know he will. And when he does, I want him to be cleared from everything he did under Shephard's influence."
Her eyes left Nas' now who seemed to really be thinking about it and moved over to the rest of the team who simply stared at her open- mouthed.
It was Patterson who spoke first. "Jane" she started tentatively "You can't go in there alone. It would be like signing your own death warrant. We can't let you do that. We will find another way."
It wasn't hard to see Zapata was only halfway agreeing with what the blond tech was saying which earned her a hard look from both Weller and Reed.
Jane sighed and looked at Patterson with a small smile, "No we won't. We won't find another way because there is no other way at least not in such a short amount of time. And there's definitely no way to risk lesser lives to stop Sandstorm. I can do this. This is my mission and I will finish it." She could see the Agent's eyes filling with tears – she always did have too good a heart for this job.
But apparently Weller was having none of it. "Jane" he cut in harshly, challenging her to meet his gaze which she did with the same intensity, "You are part of this team and I am responsible for all of you" he made a hand motion to the people standing in the room, "And I won't let anyone on my team commit to something this crazy. It's like you want to die! You are not strong enough to take all of them on your own and you can't guarantee that Roman will stand by your side. You're not invincible do you even realize that?!"
Jane felt the anger she had bottled inside her for so long slowly break out. Really she was too tired of this to hold it all in anymore. "Oh really? I am not? I thought that's what all of you thought! I have been going on suicide missions for this team under your orders for almost two months now! You didn't seem to care then. None of you", she glared at all of them, "None of them cared about how I was doing and really, I get it. I wouldn't either. But I got back up from the ground after you put me in that hole for three months on my own. I'm not letting you tell me what I can and cannot do. I'm strong enough. I can do this and I will because this is not only about saving the world and you the trouble of finally getting rid of me. This is about me making things right that I messed up in the first place. I know you said there's no way to make this right but I damn well will make sure to do my best to try. You might've not listened to me even once since I got back and I don't blame you. I hate all of my actions as well. But now you will listen and you will let me finish what I started when I helped build up Sandstorm. I'm going in there, I'm going to give all that I have and hope that it will be enough for you to defeat them outside when they come running. And I am going to save my brother. It's your choice if you are going to help but believe me I'm resourceful. I will do it."
She took a deep breath blinking a few times to get her emotions back in check and without giving the team another glance looked at Nas, "I want the deal for Roman and me in writing in an hour, then we can leave. I'll go in and place the explosives, as soon as I'm done I will let you know, I'll come out and fight with you. And after that, you do not own me anymore."
She didn't have to fight a lot after she had taken her stance in the lab and now about an hour later she had looked over the two drawn out papers with the signatures of A.D. Kurt Weller, Agent Nas Kamal and Director Sam Pellington and was on her way out, the team in a van a few miles behind her.
The plan was to go in without being noticed, if possible, to place the explosives in strategic places and get out there before triggering the bombs. While doing that she had to find Roman and get Shephard to draw her out, she didn't think that her mother didn't have an emergency plan but hopefully Roman would be in on it.
Roman.
For weeks now they had started growing closer, cooking together and sometimes simply talking to each other when time would allow for it. She knew about his doubts even though he never told her. She saw the way that when he got an order he glanced at her first and then at Shephard. She had realized some time ago that it was Roman who had vouched for her to move around the compound more freely. And she knew that he knew that she wasn't the same woman she had been before the memory wipe. He still called her Remi and she still responded to it but the look in his face told her so much more. Told her how he acknowledged the change. It had scared her at first, she had thought he had seen through her and would go to Shephard but when nothing happened she had started to relax a little. That's when she noticed that he had started telling her stories about Alice more often than about Remi. He also told her stories of them together against the rest of the world, the ways it's always been. She knew he was scared – of himself and of Shephard – but not of her. He was never scared of her, he trusted her to make the right decisions, still, and she would make sure he would be able to trust his own instincts again as well.
So on her way to the surprisingly empty compound she started looking for her brother right away. Finding spots to place the explosions and activating them while avoiding other Sandstorm members. She was in the middle of placing the third bomb, not even half way through the building when she felt her neck prickle and she spun around and had to catch her breath. It was Roman. Looking at her with surprise first, then confusion, then understanding after a glance at what she was doing and opening his mouth, his eyes full of distrust and the feeling of being betrayed.
She moved towards him before he had the chance to speak, though. She put her hand on his left arm but he shrugged it off glaring at her and she knew if she didn't speak up now she would lose him. So she spoke and she didn't seem to be able to stop.
"Please, Roman. Before you think anything right now, just listen to me" she urged him to look at her before she continued, "I made a deal. For you. With the FBI" Jane took a deep breath, "When.. if you help me now they promised to clear you from all the crimes you might have committed under Shephard's influence" she paused before adding "Or mine" in a whisper. "You have to believe me! You are my brother and I love you and I can't imagine me without you because I need you. But I can't let her keep doing what she's doing. I know I build it up with her, I know I made you into what you are right now and I know that a part of you probably hates me for that but I want to do better. I can do better. I got a chance to start over, to see the world from another perspective and I know you can too. I know you are more than the dutiful soldier Shephard thinks you are because I know you. Despite everything you would do anything for me. And I would too, believe me. But we can't let more innocent people die. I will not stand to see that happen if necessary I will go down in this fight. But please" she looked up at him, touched his arm again and this time he didn't pull away, "Please help me."
For a moment Roman didn't say anything just stared at her and just when she had almost given up hope, when she could feel tears burning in her eyes because she might've just lost the one person she loved the most, he started talking. His voice was hoarse and he was absolutely still moving no muscle except to talk. "You love me?" he repeated looking down to her, "I don't think Remi ever told me she loved me."
Jane swallowed hard, the fact that he used 'Remi' as a separate person from her didn't go unnoticed. "But I do" she whispered, "And I'm sure she did too. I'm sorry she never told you."
He continued simply staring at her, still not moving until they heard footsteps coming closer and Jane looked to the side. She… They had to keep moving.
"Can you trust me?"
That seemed to get through to him. "You are the only person I've trusted my whole life. I'm not going to stop now" he replied. Roman squared his shoulders and made himself as tall as possible and as he did he got a wild look in his eyes. The one he always got before a fight. But she wasn't scared. Not of him. "Okay what are we supposed to do?"
She told him about her plan and about the FBI team standing close by, waiting for her word to start the raid. He nodded absorbing the information quietly, his eyes narrowing at the mention of the FBI but he didn't interrupt her. When she finished she looked down at the amount of explosives she still carried and turned to his right. Nodding his head in the direction "I think the most damage will be done here since it's the tallest part of the complex. We should put these on the ground level. But we need to arm ourselves. I only have my gun."
"We don't have the time" she argued "We have to make it with our two guns that has to be enough." Jane listened for the steps, whoever it was they were coming closer but didn't sense them, they were in the middle of debating today's menu.
Roman and Jane moved to either side of the door frame that was separating them from the other soldiers. Without saying a word they communicated their strategy, falling into a pattern Jane didn't remember ever having to learn, it had simply always been that way.
The siblings took out the two men with two well- placed blows not making a sound and carrying them around the corner to avoid attracting attention. Then they moved to the right and made it to the next room without incidents.
They split up. Roman taking the right part of the hall, Jane the left one, installing the explosive on any mainstay they could find. Just when they were about finished they heard voices. Many voices. Way more people than the two they just took out coming towards them and from the sound of it they had already found their two colleagues. They were looking for them.
Roman pulled his gun waiting for them, positioning himself so he had full view of the door. "I won't be able to keep them off long. Do you have the detonator? You have to get out of here and set off the bombs."
She started shaking her head then "No. I'm not leaving you. I will contact the team and we will get out of here before setting off anything" she countered. With a fluid motion she got out the comm she had kept hidden in her jacket only to realize, once she had put it into her ear, that she couldn't hear anything.
Crap.
She looked at her brother, panic slowly rising. "I can't get a signal" she whispered "They must have a scrambler nearby." Roman nodded "Which means the detonator won't work either" he concluded simply.
That was when all hell broke loose.
About 20 men stormed into the open hall, weapons at the ready, looking for them. The siblings shared one last look before instinct took over and they simply started acting, taking out as many men as they could before finding cover behind a huge counter.
Breathing heavily Jane's mind was turning, looking for a way out when her gaze fell on a pack of matches in the counter and she grabbed them. Sure enough the box was too old to be used to ignite the matches. Of course, how could anything possibly ever go according to plan?
She was about to throw the pack away to help Roman, who was standing at the corner looking for the remaining men who were scrambling off the floor getting ready to attack again, when she stroke on an idea.
"How fast do you think we can make it out of here?" she wanted to know since he knew the complex way better than she did.
He threw her a quick look, "There will be more men outside. For now we're safer here where we can at least try to defend ourselves."
"True" Jane agreed bevor a slow grin took hold of her face – it was a desperate grin, sure, but that made it that much more frightening – "But it won't be safer in here once I set off the explosives" she continued holding up the matches in her hand, "That will slow most of them down since word must have gotten around already and most of them are here or on their way here now."
Roman shrugged, "Suppose you could set off the explosives with that" he looked around quickly "I think if we turn left we should be able to get out of here. But in case you haven't noticed, that box is pretty much junk."
Jane nodded. "Well, I've got an idea. But we'll have to move quickly."
With that she took five matches from the box, putting four of them together to form a square with their red noses and holding them in one hand while taking the other match and spinning it right in the middle of them. It didn't work on the first try and not on the second one either, her heart rate picking up, hoping against hope that what she remembered would work.
It worked on the third try, though, and all of the sudden she had six burning matches in her hand grinning at the stunned expression on Roman's face.
"Ready?" she asked. When he nodded she threw the matches against the bomb nearest to them and they ran.
They could hear the explosion and they felt the impact but they simply kept going. Staying by each other's side they ran through everyone who got in their way not pausing to look back. The whole building was combusting and they were still in it. If they couldn't make it out… No, Jane didn't let herself think like that. They would make it. At last she could see the exit, saw the trees outside. She grabbed Roman's arm and together they jumped out of the building just when they heard what must have been the fifth explosion go off.
"You know, sis. I never thought of actually taking the thing with the matches so… literal" Roman remarked dryly once they were able to breathe again.
And despite of their current situation and the fact that they were in the middle of a fight that they didn't know for sure they would win, despite having her face covered in ashes and dirt and a smoking building in the background – Jane started laughing. A wholehearted laugh. A laugh she hadn't heard in what felt like a lifetime and it sounded like hope.
That was the way the team found them.
After seeing the explosion but not hearing back from Jane and realizing the comms weren't working they sprinted out of the van running towards the burning building, hoping to find Jane again but quickly losing it when no one came out and they couldn't see anyone. But they heard her laugh. And they almost didn't recognize it because it was such an unusual wonderful sound in this scenery but when Weller ran towards the sound he thought he'd never hear again, he found her hugging her brother and even though her laugh died when she saw him, the twinkle in her eyes remained as she returned his glance.
When she let go of Roman and put on her bulletproof FBI vest seeing Roman do the same and seeing the team getting ready alongside them, she thought that maybe… Maybe she would have another shot at having a family again.
A/N: I'm not even sure how to do the uploading so if something isn't working I might have to edit it again. :)